Emotional Affair: My Personal Story. Can anyone help?

[EveWasFramed]

You know, in a weird way I can relate to this guy. Granted, I wasn't married nor a father, nor did I continue on with the original relationship, but...

Well, maybe I can't relate to this guy.

Well, did it bother you...what you'd done? That's one of my issues with this person - he doesnt show any remorse for what he did...he's just pissed at his ex-mistress. He came here to get advice on whether or not he should confront her. No guilt, no remorse.
Big difference between making a monumental mistake and regretting your own stupidity, compared to what this guy is about.

Oh I was a wreck. It's one of the reasons why I came on here. I almost sought out therapy. All I could think about the days after it ended was her cute little ways and whatnot. I realized that we were probably going to break up, but I wish the timing had been a bit better.

^^ Those are the actions of someone who actually deeply regrets their mistakes. It's the way we should feel when we've wronged someone. And kudos to you having the guts to admit that you'd made a poor decision.

 

[Vic Sage]

You know, in a weird way I can relate to this guy. Granted, I wasn't married nor a father, nor did I continue on with the original relationship, but...

Well, maybe I can't relate to this guy.

Well, did it bother you...what you'd done? That's one of my issues with this person - he doesnt show any remorse for what he did...he's just pissed at his ex-mistress. He came here to get advice on whether or not he should confront her. No guilt, no remorse.
Big difference between making a monumental mistake and regretting your own stupidity, compared to what this guy is about.

Oh I was a wreck. It's one of the reasons why I came on here. I almost sought out therapy. All I could think about the days after it ended was her cute little ways and whatnot. I realized that we were probably going to break up, but I wish the timing had been a bit better.

^^ Those are the actions of someone who actually deeply regrets their mistakes. It's the way we should feel when we've wronged someone. And kudos to you having the guts to admit that you'd made a poor decision.

I actually talked to her for the first time in since mid May earlier this week. Things are a little bit better now. She didn't blame me for finding someone else, just for not telling her sooner. My intentions were to not offend or hurt, but we all know what the road to Hell is paved with...

Honestly, it's probably something that will haunt me to some degree forever. I just don't see how some guys do it. I didn't even set out to "cheat" per se, I just fell for someone else before I could end things with the other, but I did end things fairly quickly. And I felt bad enough about that.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I actually talked to her for the first time in since mid May earlier this week. Things are a little bit better now. She didn't blame me for finding someone else, just for not telling her sooner. My intentions were to not offend or hurt, but we all know what the road to Hell is paved with...

Honestly, it's probably something that will haunt me to some degree forever. I just don't see how some guys do it. I didn't even set out to "cheat" per se, I just fell for someone else before I could end things with the other, but I did end things fairly quickly. And I felt bad enough about that.

Well, in a situation like that, at least one can understand the circumstances behind the decisions that were made. I won't chastise you - you've obviously done that enough. We can only learn hard lessons from our mistakes and move on. The fact that it will haunt you means you have a conscience. From what you've said, it sounds like you two were likely at the end of your relationship and she already knew it - especially if she was understanding. It sucks to learn the hard way. *hug*

 

[Vic Sage]

Okay, my actual advice to this guy?

One- avoid this new chick, for good. Don't work with her, don't talk to her, delete her number, block her on forums, period.

Two- warn this new guy. Talk to the previous young married she seduced, and the both of you message this new guy. I know a lot of you are placing a lot of blame and anger on the OP, but it takes two to tango and she's a married woman herself who is knowingly seducing other women's husbands. She must be stopped before she does irreversible damage to more marriages.

I don't know the ethics, morality or legality of posting craigslist and/or forum messages warning against her, even sans picture, but consider that unless someone comes in and tells me that might be a no no.

Three- never tell your wife. If you plan on staying faithful from here on out... don't tell her. It's not just what I recommend, it's what I've seen several experts recommend, too. All that will do is hurt her. If you feel like you can't be faithful, then just ask for a divorce. Start treating your wife better, buy her some jewelry, take her out for a vacation, and pray she never asks you just where you were all those lonely nights.

Fourth- for karma purposes... do something nice for society. I don't know if you're Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist, atheist, whatever. Spend time in a soup kitchen. Read to sick kids in a hospital. Try to atone. I don't think you're an irredeemable monster, but you do/did come across as more self-centered and worried about getting your affair back than fixing your marriage. That's not a good train of thought.

And finally, and this just came to me as I was writing the last one- see a therapist. You're clearly not 100% into your marriage and not 100% over the new girl. You gotta work that out with a professional, son.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Okay, my actual advice to this guy?

One- avoid this new chick, for good. Don't work with her, don't talk to her, delete her number, block her on forums, period.

Two- warn this new guy. Talk to the previous young married she seduced, and the both of you message this new guy. I know a lot of you are placing a lot of blame and anger on the OP, but it takes two to tango and she's a married woman herself who is knowingly seducing other women's husbands. She must be stopped before she does irreversible damage to more marriages.

I don't know the ethics, morality or legality of posting craigslist and/or forum messages warning against her, even sans picture, but consider that unless someone comes in and tells me that might be a no no.

Three- never tell your wife. If you plan on staying faithful from here on out... don't tell her. It's not just what I recommend, it's what I've seen several experts recommend, too. All that will do is hurt her. If you feel like you can't be faithful, then just ask for a divorce. Start treating your wife better, buy her some jewelry, take her out for a vacation, and pray she never asks you just where you were all those lonely nights.

Fourth- for karma purposes... do something nice for society. I don't know if you're Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist, atheist, whatever. Spend time in a soup kitchen. Read to sick kids in a hospital. Try to atone. I don't think you're an irredeemable monster, but you do/did come across as more self-centered and worried about getting your affair back than fixing your marriage. That's not a good train of thought.

And finally, and this just came to me as I was writing the last one- see a therapist. You're clearly not 100% into your marriage and not 100% over the new girl. You gotta work that out with a professional, son.

Solid advice. I don't know if I agree 100% on warning the "new guy" or not (I'm torn on that one), but for the rest of it - spot on, dude.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Solid advice. I don't know if I agree 100% on warning the "new guy" or not (I'm torn on that one), but for the rest of it - spot on, dude.

Warning the new guy or her husband smacks of vindictiveness, and again, this guy has no right whatsoever to be vindictive or feel wronged here. By that token, someone ought to go warn his wife right now about his shenanigans. I say that he stay the fresia out of it lest it come back to bite him in the ass. I could easily see a scenario where someone warns this chick's new bf or her husband or whatever, and she hightails it right to his wife... with pictures, no less.

Also, I am torn about not telling the wife. As much as I hate the idea of a cheating spouse, I hate the idea of a lying one even more. Plus, what if she asks him, point-blank, if he had had an affair? It certainly sounds as though she was uncomfortable with his "friendship" with Sarah. She might have put 2 and 2 together and may just ask him.

In that case, I'd say, tell her the truth for two reasons:

1. It is possible that she is looking for validation that he still loves her and an admission that he strayed but is filled with regret and will never ever do it again might be what she is looking for. Starting anew with total disclosure might not be a bad thing. It could be the foundation for more trust.

Or:

2. She already knows everything about the affair and is planning to leave him, and just wants to see how deceitful he really is, in which case, he is totally messed.

 

[Badjedidude]

Two- warn this new guy. Talk to the previous young married she seduced, and the both of you message this new guy. I know a lot of you are placing a lot of blame and anger on the OP, but it takes two to tango and she's a married woman herself who is knowingly seducing other women's husbands. She must be stopped before she does irreversible damage to more marriages.

I think that at this point I would advise that the OP just stay the fresia away from it all. Is there really any need for him to become more involved in the situation by meddling? Sure, it sounds nice to say that he will "warn" the new guy... but honestly, will the guy listen? Most likely not. And it would only further entrench the OP into all of this unfortunate business. I'd advise a clean cut. JUST GET OUT AND STAY AWAY from the entire situation!

Fourth- for karma purposes... do something nice for society. I don't know if you're Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist, atheist, whatever. Spend time in a soup kitchen. Read to sick kids in a hospital. Try to atone. I don't think you're an irredeemable monster, but you do/did come across as more self-centered and worried about getting your affair back than fixing your marriage. That's not a good train of thought.

Doing something like this also has the added benefit of rearranging one's priorities and attitude. After you ladle some soup into a paper bowl for a starving mother and her three kids at the local kitchen in the dead of winter, you start to care less about yourself and begin to appreciate others for who they are. Volunteering is a pretty **** good way to combat the sort of self-centered attitude that the OP has shown in this thread.

So yes yes yes, volunteeeeeeer!

 

[EveWasFramed]

If she asks, point blank, he needs to tell her. If she doesn't, I dont think he should. That's IF he plans on keeping his nose clean in the future and really wants to keep his family intact. It will only hurt her more than she already has been (with being ignored, etc.). I agree with CTF - if she asks, she likely already knows anyways. No point in lying and making it worse.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

If she doesn't, I dont think he should. That's IF he plans on keeping his nose clean in the future and really wants to keep his family intact. It will only hurt her more than she already has been (with being ignored, etc.).

That is a very big "If," but I might be persuaded to agree with you on this, and I mean ONLY IF he makes a covenant with God to make his dick fall off should he ever be tempted to stray again. Seriously. He has to want this, otherwise, it's a huge damned lie.

I would be very surprised if she didn't have an inkling though. As it turned out, in retrospect, my gut instinct was right on the money about my ex ad his gf. We can turn a blind eye and hope that ignorance will make it all go away. In the OP's case, it might if he really means that he wants to stay.

 

[EveWasFramed]

If she doesn't, I dont think he should. That's IF he plans on keeping his nose clean in the future and really wants to keep his family intact. It will only hurt her more than she already has been (with being ignored, etc.).

That is a very big "If," but I might be persuaded to agree with you on this, and I mean ONLY IF he makes a covenant with God to make his dick fall off should he ever be tempted to stray again. Seriously. He has to want this, otherwise, it's a huge damned lie.

I would be very surprised if she didn't have an inkling though. As it turned out, in retrospect, my gut instinct was right on the money about my ex ad his gf. We can turn a bind eye and hope that ignorance will make it all go away. In the OP's case, it might if he really means that he wants to stay.

lmao@ pact with God.

I agree that the wife isn't stupid and knows about the mistress, but doesn't have any proof. And yes, it's a HUGE "if." If he isn't serious, he may as well split from his wife NOW. It will save her more grief.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^Usually in a relationship, a person can tell when his/her partner is being unfaithful. Call it intuition or ESP, but either way... I think most of the time, the one being cheated on knows it deep inside. The only question is whether or not they listen to their inner voice or try to ignore it and pretend that nothing has changed.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

The only question is whether or not they listen to their inner voice or try to ignore it and pretend that nothing has changed.

Yup. That IS the question. I think that when kids are a part of the equation, the cheated-upon spouse might be more likely to be blind to it and just try to let things go. The prospect of ripping up a family over a spouse's infidelity is not a pretty one.

Ugh, I should probably stop reading this thread. It's not a good day for this sort of honeysuckle and is only making my incipient ulcer less, um, "incipient" and more "realized."

 

[EveWasFramed]

*hands CTF a pint of Ben and Jerry's*

 

[cheaptrickfan]

*hands CTF a pint of Ben and Jerry's*

Ooh, ice cream! Thanks. :9

 

[Vic Sage]

Regarding warning the new guy... I don't think it's so much revenge against the mistress as it is helping another potential person. She's evidently making her way through the photography scene of whatever city this is.

Side note- just got idea for CW nighttime soap revolving around photographers. Must pitch to Hollywood later.

I think it's clear that she's got issues and intentions of her own, and I feel sorry for her husband who has no idea his wife has been getting plowed all around town.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Regarding warning the new guy... I don't think it's so much revenge against the mistress as it is helping another potential person. She's evidently making her way through the photography scene of whatever city this is.

Then, that's really HER issue, not his. He should worry less about being a Good Samaritan to all the hapless male photographers out there ready to fall prey to her evil ways and more about being a good husband and father.

 

[Vic Sage]

Regarding warning the new guy... I don't think it's so much revenge against the mistress as it is helping another potential person. She's evidently making her way through the photography scene of whatever city this is.

Then, that's really HER issue, not his. He should worry less about being a Good Samaritan to all the hapless male photographers out there ready to fall prey to her evil ways and more about being a good husband and father.

I think he can do both. Both him and the previous guy can send anonymous messages. Information is never a bad thing, especially when it's true.

 

[SophiaGrace]

And the guy who created all this fuss is no where to be seen at the moment.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Then, that's really HER issue, not his. He should worry less about being a Good Samaritan to all the hapless male photographers out there ready to fall prey to her evil ways and more about being a good husband and father.

I think he can do both. Both him and the previous guy can send anonymous messages. Information is never a bad thing, especially when it's true.

*sigh* He takes a risk even doing it anonymously, because guess what? As soon as she is busted for being a whore, she'll send her own anonymous message or text message to the guy's wife.

MUCH BETTER to stay the fresia out of it.

---

And the guy who created all this fuss is no where to be seen at the moment.

Let's hope that he is making that aforementioned covenant with God.

 

[Electric_Fusilier]

^^or having a wank, at least...