Fixing ruined friendships

[cormac_1998]

hi im cormac

I kind of joined this site to kill time and loneliness but I thought i would ask a question also.

I currently messed up all of my friendships and relationship with my family. My friends dont talk to me anymore and my family doesnt want me living with them. I get beat up at school or pushed around alot and I dont really know how to undo all the changes that happened.

My question is how do you deal with being a social outcast and how do you meet new people when you have problems socializing. Its kind of a broad question I guess...

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Not really sure I have any useful advice on the matter, except the following observation.

When seeking to make a changes, it's all about set and setting.

What is your primary set? This would be, where you live, where you go to school, where you work, where you spend leisure time, stomping grounds etc...

The setting is your state of mind, and the overall feel of your surroundings.

Unfortunately a lot of these things often can't be changed. If you can't change where you live, you then have to focus on what you can change, in your mind, to best deal with that. If you can't change your social setting, etc...

All of this goes a million times easier saying, than doing. However, it seems to ring true.

What you can do is change your physical appearance, this will change how you see yourself and by contrast, allow you to change the setting of the sets/environments you frequent.

You can work out, also another way to change how you perceive yourself and how others do.

You can study 'the self', as in going to the library and persuing subjects of interest as they pertain to improving your knowledge of the greater world at large around you.

You can seek out new sets/settings that are new. This will allow you to get a break from negative encironments and possibly bring back new treasures (either physical or metaphysical) to improve the one's you can't leave.

And for all the things you can't change, that you would like to, you can set goals, both short term and long term to start fixing what is broken.

Again I say all of this, with ease, but struggle to do these thigns myself in practice, however, it is the practice that makes perfect.

And quite honestly, I haven't had a lot of experience being pushed around in my developing years. However, I will admit to being rather cruel to a particular individual in the 5th grade, to the point he actually left the school. I was very fortunate to get in touch with him again some years later, and apologized. He was very understanding and even offered to hang out in the future some time. He was doing rather well, and did not in anyway bring himself down to my level or hold any grudges. And I'd be willing to bet he's doing far better in life as far as 'social status' is concerned than I am, if I wanted to make a competition out of it. So all in all I guess he was fortunate enough to find a better environment, and started thriving, but I can only guess, I don't know his experience, just my own.

As far as being an outcast or in the fringes goes, it can be very liberating, but lonely, and at times dispairing or frustrating. I've just followed the echoes of those that have gone before me and done my best to keep faith and hope. Meeting new people, though, not sure. You have to get out there, I know that much. Can't meet some one new unless they are new people around you. I struggle with this, as I'm sure a lot of people here do.

Good luck!

 

[Badjedidude]

May I ask why you feel that you're a social outcast? What is it that changed, exactly?

 

[cormac_1998]

I cant say whats changed because im kind of ashamed of it. My friends and family learned some personal things about me and my parents made me leave over it. Said if i ever contact them again that they would do some pretty bad stuff to me.

I work out and stay kinda healthy. I still do all that after moving in with my friend, and I stayed in school because I have to. I'm trying to find a job and keep busy but im not really happy anymore. I cant really change much because I have no money and im not an adult. I know people go through worse and deal with it, but i dont know how. Im not suicidal or anything, but im always really stressed out and upset and feel like breaking down most of the time.

I think when new people meet me they realize something is wrong with me and the conversation only lasts a few minutes

 

[Badjedidude]

I cant say whats changed because im kind of ashamed of it. My friends and family learned some personal things about me and my parents made me leave over it. Said if i ever contact them again that they would do some pretty bad stuff to me.

Well I mean... it's hard to know what kind of advice to give if I don't know what changed, but I'm not going to push the issue.

Is it something that you could seek counseling for? Perhaps discussing it with a therapist or a professional could be beneficial?

 

[TheRealCallie]

So you did something that you're ashamed of and people don't like it, so you are now the pariah?

You can't do anything about how other people feel, except to try to amend whatever it was that you did. But, understand that you can't force people to forgive you. But, you can forgive yourself. Accept what you did and come to terms with it for you own sake. Apologize to anyone that hurt, in a letter or through someone else, if they don't want to see you right now.

It is unlikely that your family will not eventually forgive you...granted, I don't know what happened, so I can't say for sure. But if you are really a FAMILY, they will. They just need to adjust and get their heads around whatever it is.

To the people at school, if you are being harassed and/or abused, whether physically or verbally, report it. You don't deserve that, regardless of what you did.
As for friends, get new hobbies, find something to do in a different area, get to know new people and you'll likely make new friends.

 

[cormac_1998]

I cant say whats changed because im kind of ashamed of it. My friends and family learned some personal things about me and my parents made me leave over it. Said if i ever contact them again that they would do some pretty bad stuff to me.

Well I mean... it's hard to know what kind of advice to give if I don't know what changed, but I'm not going to push the issue.

Is it something that you could seek counseling for? Perhaps discussing it with a therapist or a professional could be beneficial?

Not really sure if its fixable. My family found out that I might be gay :x. They then went ahead and called all my friends parents and told them that im gross and stuff.

 

[Badjedidude]

My family found out that I might be gay :x. They then went ahead and called all my friends parents and told them that im gross and stuff.

Let me be as clear as possible here:

THERE IS NOTHING SHAMEFUL OR WRONG ABOUT BEING GAY.

Period.

I also have to say that if your family and friends have disowned you for possibly being gay, then they are despicable, disgusting, unloving, ignorant people. Sorry if that sounds offensive, but really. What kind of low, mean, sick people would let something like that come between family members and cause such strife and discord?

And you're right, it's not "fixable," or more accurately... it's not something that needs to be fixed.

So... perhaps instead of seeking out a therapist, have you spent much time searching for support groups or online forums that deal with this issue? There are a lot of helpful sites and forums online that can give you resources and support in your exploration of who you are and what your preferences are, etc. Maybe you are gay, maybe you're not... but there are places you can go to get support and information about this stuff, so I would urge you to spend some time searching for support networks or groups focused on these things.

But I want to be SUPER clear about this:

You are not gross.

And I'm very, very sorry that we live in a world where someone can become a social outcast for something like this. Truly.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, in light of the new developments....Do NOT apologize to ANYONE for being who you are! As BJD said, there is NOTHING shameful, wrong or gross about that.

If people don't accept you as you are, you don't need them in your life and they don't deserve to have you in theirs. Stay true to yourself and never let anyone make you feel bad about it.
Yes, support groups sound like an excellent idea. Please, check into them. Find yourself some support, some understanding and most likely some new friends that you can call family.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Not really sure if its fixable. My family found out that I might be gay :x. They then went ahead and called all my friends parents and told them that im gross and stuff.

That's it? I'm thinking it was something terrible. Dude, there's nothing wrong with being gay. It's not something you have to fix. So what if you are gay... Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. I'm positive you'll find more accepting people, and your family should be downright ashamed of themselves for treating you the way they did.

Never be ashamed of who you are. You don't have to be straight to be loved. You're not a monster. You're a person, a human being with feelings. Don't let anyone make you forget that.

 

[Pike Creek]

I was brought up in a strict religious house. My younger sister announced she was a lesbian and my parents and two of my siblings did everything they could to make her feel ashamed of herself, that she was a devil's spawn and a terrible sinner. They said if she didn't come back to "the flock" that they would do all they could to have her ex-communicated from their church. They talked so much behind her back to their friends/neighbours and other family members that my sister just couldn't handle it anymore and left. I never heard from her again, funny because she was the only sibling I would have kept a relationship with when I disowned the rest of them.

Being gay isn't a sin, or anything to be ashamed of. You don't need to ask them for forgiveness, they need you to accept their forgiveness for making you feel so terrible.

Sometimes the only solution is to let go. I'm not encouraging you to disown your family like I did, but it is possible to be on your own and rebuild your life from scratch. I left home at 17 and yes, it was a struggle throughout my life, but I made it. Alone, without family support, I was able to finally build the life I wanted to lead. It was hard to let go because even though they may hurt you deeply, they are still family and it feels like a devastating loss to lose them all in one shot, but you have to concentrate on YOU and your own happiness, accepting your sexuality and being proud of it. I wish you all the best.

 

[Badjedidude]

I was brought up in a strict religious house. My younger sister announced she was a lesbian and my parents and two of my siblings did everything they could to make her feel ashamed of herself, that she was a devil's spawn and a terrible sinner. They said if she didn't come back to "the flock" that they would do all they could to have her ex-communicated from their church. They talked so much behind her back to their friends/neighbours and other family members that my sister just couldn't handle it anymore and left. I never heard from her again, funny because she was the only sibling I would have kept a relationship with when I disowned the rest of them.

I've heard sooooo many stories like that.

It makes me sick.

I don't want to turn this into a hating-on-religion thread, but... it certainly seems to be the fundamentalist, religious families that will gleefully disown and degrade their own children/siblings for being gay (or of another faith, or a non-believer... or really anything that doesn't fit into their cookie-cutter beliefs).

What a sad state that families can be torn apart and become such toxic environments.

Is your sister doing okay today? I hope so.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I hope she's okay, too. That is just horrendous. It doesn't matter to me if someone likes boobies or balls. Respect and kindness has nothing to do with sexuality.

 

[Pike Creek]

I have no idea about my sister. She has purposely disappeared, I think she moved to another continent...because she hinted at that before she left. For a while there I was looking for her, but I do think that people don't want to be found for a reason. I think that my sister is very happy now living her own life. I did the same, left the "flock" and never looked back and I certainly don't want to be found by any of them. It's a shame that certain antiquated beliefs can ruin a family unit.

But I just wanted to give the OP some advice that even in a worst situation case, you CAN still enjoy the choices you make, and they don't HAVE to involve the family you were born into. I often heard the tired old phrase "you can't choose your family" - but it was said to me in a threatening type of way, like...do what we say or we'll make life hell for you. Well, you CAN choose what you consider family. My bf and my pets are MY family. And to the OP, it's YOUR life, choose what makes you happy and try to leave the toxicity behind. If one day, they decide to ask for your forgiveness, it's then that you will decide if you want them in your life or not. It's not easy, but it can be done, even if you start at a young age.

 

[Badjedidude]

But I just wanted to give the OP some advice that even in a worst situation case, you CAN still enjoy the choices you make, and they don't HAVE to involve the family you were born into. I often heard the tired old phrase "you can't choose your family" - but it was said to me in a threatening type of way, like...do what we say or we'll make life hell for you. Well, you CAN choose what you consider family. My bf and my pets are MY family. And to the OP, it's YOUR life, choose what makes you happy and try to leave the toxicity behind. If one day, they decide to ask for your forgiveness, it's then that you will decide if you want them in your life or not. It's not easy, but it can be done, even if you start at a young age.

This. So much this.

We absolutely CAN choose our family, and it doesn't have to include our biological family, because... let's be honest:

We didn't choose to be born into our biological family. They didn't even necessarily choose us, either. They chose to have a child (or maybe not, in some cases)... but they didn't choose you specifically.

We can choose our families, and we can escape the hell-hole of our biological families; and without guilt about it.

 

[Pike Creek]

This. So much this.

We absolutely CAN choose our family, and it doesn't have to include our biological family, because... let's be honest:

We didn't choose to be born into our biological family. They didn't even necessarily choose us, either. They chose to have a child (or maybe not, in some cases)... but they didn't choose you specifically.

We can choose our families, and we can escape the hell-hole of our biological families; and without guilt about it.

Thank you You always hear things like "blood is thicker than water" and "we're a family no matter what" and "family is the most important thing in the world"...well, not necessarily. If you are in a loving, accepting family, then yes, these clichés apply. But they shouldn't be used to continue any pattern of abuse or shame. That's where things get messy mentally, the guilt and then the doubt...people who love you shouldn't make you feel like dirt, even if they are biologically considered family. The earlier you learn that, the more fulfilling your life can be once you move on.

 

[cormac_1998]

Thanks for the replies. im kind of bothered by it still, its how i raised but i definitely feel gross about it. I looked online for some support groups so i may go to one but im not sure. Ive heard bad things about those places.

It really sucks without my family because im having to live off a friend who i dont really trust that much.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Thank you You always hear things like "blood is thicker than water" and "we're a family no matter what" and "family is the most important thing in the world"...well, not necessarily. If you are in a loving, accepting family, then yes, these clichés apply. But they shouldn't be used to continue any pattern of abuse or shame. That's where things get messy mentally, the guilt and then the doubt...people who love you shouldn't make you feel like dirt, even if they are biologically considered family. The earlier you learn that, the more fulfilling your life can be once you move on.

Well, the thing about that I consider my friends blood. I'll do everything to the best of my abilities to do what I can for them. Send them things. Stay up all night and day just to talk to them and comfort them when they're having an issue or a problem. I'll wake up out of a deep sleep or no sleep if they simply want to ask me something. And to me, that is family. When someone offers you the most to the best they can, even if it's just a comforting thought.

I wish more people could hear your story and experience just to know that it could be better. People don't have to determine happiness for you, and you can certainly create your own with learning to appreciate yourself. To the OP, I hope you can learn to like yourself, and forget those who don't.

 

[cormac_1998]

You guys I went to a support group today!

 

[TheRealCallie]

You guys I went to a support group today!

YAY, I'm glad you found something

How did it go?