Getting laid is really overrated

[the-alchemist]

Well, 2013 has truly been a crazy year for me. After a lifetime of never having a girlfriend, not to mention never getting truly laid(previously my sole source of sex was by paying for it, if u know what i mean), I have in the course of 6 months plowed through 3 girlfriends who I had normal consensual sex with.

And I can tell you, having a gf and all that is truly overrated. It's really more trouble than it's worth. First one was a *removed* one, second was a psycho, and this third and current one is beautiful but too bothersome. Sometimes she comes to my home and we're having a great time having sex, and then when she returns home to her husband(she's a married *removed*), she texts me that we should break up, that it isn't right yada yada yada. Rinse and repeat.

In the past, I thought once I would get properly laid, it would be a life-changer for me. I thought I would be confident, that I would no longer be depressed. Once upon a time I set a goal for myself that I would be loved by an east asian woman(I know, Yellow Fever. But I myself am of Central Asian origin. I currently live in China)

But here I am, still the depressed insecure guy that I always used to be. I've now finally gotten a taste of what it's like to have a gf, to go out and hold hands, to kiss a girl. And aside from the first time I did it, it all feels so mudane. In fact, it's worse now. I have to put up with my gf's constant back and forth of loving me and rejecting. Some days she wants to break up, sometimes she never want me to leave her. I'm just feeling tired of all this. Really, I feel no difference in my state of mind. I still have no confidence, I still have this lingering depression

I really just wanna go home and have a break, and see my mother. I consider her the only family I have because I am estranged with my brother and father

 

[jaguarundi]

Oh Alchemist, Alchemist!!! I shake my head more in sorrow that in anger...There is a lot in your post, so I will concentrate on bits....
Firstly, instead of 'getting laid' you might consider getting to know a girl, and having a relationship. This may not be with a girl who is drop dead gorgeous, but if you only concentrate on looks and sex you aren't ever going to know a girl as a person. You might find sex with a girl you actually like as a person (let alone dare I say it - love) is a good deal more meaningful...

2nd - I don't know what you mean by the girl who was 'a psycho' - not enough info from you there, but I have noticed that sometimes men call women 'a psycho' when in fact the woman is angry at her treatment by a dick-honeysuckle of a misogynist who she finds is just using her for sex. But of course in your case she really could have had mental issues.

3rd - OF COURSE your current girl is a lot of bother - she's MARRIED, you nitwit! Good grief, a relationship with someone married is practically the definition of "bother." And I speak as someone who knows on that one (see posts on falling in love with someone you shouldn't). Finish your relationship with this woman and give her space to work out what she needs in her life. Then go for an available girl (by which I mean single, not available for a booty call).

It all sounds like old-fashioned romantic stuff, alchemist sweetie. But the fact that you have found a sex-only approach meaningless makes me think that maybe you might be an old fashioned kind of guy at heart. So look into your heart - instead of concentrating on what's between your legs - and you might have better luck next time.

 

[Danielle]

just the act of having sex doesn't change your life. Its about the person you are with and how you feel about them. If you haven't really been invested in any of the women that you have gone to bed with, then your sex life will be empty and un fulfilling.

When someone comes along that you care for, a person you do not describe as Fugly, psycho, or married.... then I think you may find your experiences will be different. I wish you all the best.

 

[Goblin]

Far be it from me to be telling you whether you should be having sex or relationships, but don't you think that your selection process might be introducing you to unpleasant women? I wouldn't look to an adulterer for a taste of stability, character, intimacy, and warmth, is all...

I do think it's true that a relationship won't cure depression and insecurity, though. Those issues are rarely rooted in simply being single, so removing the single factor won't fix them. Just like I can't fix my leaky faucet by painting it a different color.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I do think it's true that a relationship won't cure depression and insecurity, though. Those issues are rarely rooted in simply being single, so removing the single factor won't fix them. Just like I can't fix my leaky faucet by painting it a different color.

This.

And wow, you have such an utter lack of respect for these women. The way you describe them and talk about them (after I post this I'm removing a few words from your post btw). You need to take care of yourself first, it seems you just want sex instead of what others above have suggested, truly get to know someone first. Forget about sex, you have two hands use them for awhile. Take six months to get to know someone before you get intimate with them, and stop seeing this married woman. Nothing good can come of that.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Oh Alchemist, Alchemist!!! I shake my head more in sorrow that in anger...There is a lot in your post, so I will concentrate on bits....
Firstly, instead of 'getting laid' you might consider getting to know a girl, and having a relationship. This may not be with a girl who is drop dead gorgeous, but if you only concentrate on looks and sex you aren't ever going to know a girl as a person. You might find sex with a girl you actually like as a person (let alone dare I say it - love) is a good deal more meaningful...

2nd - I don't know what you mean by the girl who was 'a psycho' - not enough info from you there, but I have noticed that sometimes men call women 'a psycho' when in fact the woman is angry at her treatment by a dick-honeysuckle of a misogynist who she finds is just using her for sex. But of course in your case she really could have had mental issues.

3rd - OF COURSE your current girl is a lot of bother - she's MARRIED, you nitwit! Good grief, a relationship with someone married is practically the definition of "bother." And I speak as someone who knows on that one (see posts on falling in love with someone you shouldn't). Finish your relationship with this woman and give her space to work out what she needs in her life. Then go for an available girl (by which I mean single, not available for a booty call).

It all sounds like old-fashioned romantic stuff, alchemist sweetie. But the fact that you have found a sex-only approach meaningless makes me think that maybe you might be an old fashioned kind of guy at heart. So look into your heart - instead of concentrating on what's between your legs - and you might have better luck next time.

+1

 

[ShybutHi]

If you are just out to "Get laid" then what do you expect... It is just a temporary fix and you seem to of thought it is somehow going to make you completely content.

You say having a girlfriend is truly overrated. Finding someone you want to be with can be a wondrous thing, one of the best things in life, and sex with someone you truly want to be with is totally different from getting a fix... It has a lot more meaning to it and it is not just about yourself, it is about the both of you together.

 

[Goblin]

If you are just out to "Get laid" then what do you expect... It is just a temporary fix and you seem to of thought it is somehow going to make you completely content.

You say having a girlfriend is truly overrated. Finding someone you want to be with can be a wondrous thing, one of the best things in life, and sex with someone you truly want to be with is totally different from getting a fix... It has a lot more meaning to it and it is not just about yourself, it is about the both of you together.

As a bonus, you can sleep together and make breakfast the next morning without hubby asking questions!

 

[ShybutHi]

As a bonus, you can sleep together and make breakfast the next morning without hubby asking questions!

loool

 

[zero]

Wow, 3 relationships in 6 months is quite an achievement.
I won`t go into how you appreciate the women (does it apply also for how you`d describe the relationships as well?), because it`s obvious an emotional reaction that indirectly reflects the way you manage to detach yourself from those partnerships (yes, a relationship implies a partnership, whether we like it or not, i.e. are conscious of it or not) and how well you "managed" them (a relationship is also about management).
Well, if there were only one "life-changer" thing/ cure for depression, confidence, whatever, and moreover this only one thing would be sex, I guess everybody would`ve known by now, don`t you think? Maybe you should think a bit more about the expectations you had in the first place and reconsider them for your future choices.
You say the 3 experiences were a total waste of time. At least did you learn something from them and what?
Last but not least (maybe I should`ve started with this): What does your mother have to do with this topic? Why do you want to go home and be with your mother? (I couldn`t help but remember Freud and his theories).
Think about this: What do you actually look for? Is a relationship the answer? How do you see a relationship? Read again, detached, the way you describe your experiences. Where is the "I" or "we" that shows your active part in those relationships? I see that "she was like that or like that and does that and that" and "I`m still depressed, without confidence and dreamt a long time ago to be loved by X" (summed up) and understand that you have a strong need to receive, but do not see a will to give/offer (what). During those 6 months was there also love besides sex involved? Did you love or feel loved?
Look inside and you will find the answers. Then share them with us.

 

[the-alchemist]

Well, on the flipside, even though my depression still lingers, I don't get hurt by rejection as much as I used to, since I've been there and done that.

I wouldn't say it's been a waste of being with those 3. This has taught me that sex in itself isn't the key to a fulfilling relationship. On the other hand though, having come to this realization, I'm sort of doubting I'll ever find true love. Perhaps I'm not destined to find it.

The second one truly was a psycho. She would all of a sudden have a mental breakdown and curse at me for no reason at all. Not very stable. It came to the point where she started hitting me, and I hit her in SELF DEFENSE. If you think I'm a macho pig, so be it. But she was about to take a knife from the kitchen, so I feared for my life. She is now in police custody for attempted murder after I reported the incident.

But, back on topic, sorry if I came off as a misogynist. I didn't mean to come off like that. I guess in the past, I just wanted to know what it feels like to have a relationship. I know now, if it's not with the right one, it's devoid of meaning.

I really love my current gf, but sadly she is married. She just told me this last week. All this time she's been hiding it from me. So I just feel sad now. I dunno if I'll ever find the right one. But still, I've learned alot in these past 6 months, so that's one good thing. Only problem is, aside from my current one, there no girl that interests me, that I really wanna get to know.

English is not my mother tongue so please forgive me for any mistakes.

 

[edgecrusher]

Just "getting laid", yea I can see how that can be overrated. Having an intimate sexual moment with someone you've truly connected with on the other hand, that is something else entirely. I don't think it's overrated.

 

[ShybutHi]

Yeah I would of thought having an intimate sexual moment with someone you feel a connection to is a lot different.

That really is a shame she is married and she hid that fact from you. It is not fair on her husband (unless they have an open relationship?) and not fair on you. I would be pretty upset too.


Think of it all as a learning experience though I guess. I am still yet to experience being in a relationship and I hope my first proper relationship, if I ever get in one, goes well but there is no guarantee.

 

[Peaches]

getting laid is overrated only when you manage to do it

anyway, probably you are a smart person and not too superficial because you see by yourself that even if it's fun and great for one's self esteem it's not all that it's hyped up to be.

But I have to disagree with you when you write ' guess in the past, I just wanted to know what it feels like to have a relationship."

the things that you describe don't sound like relationships, sound like some steamy, unsavory affairs like in a French movie (or Sundance festival style, because of the knife).

So I'd say you still have to experience what is it to be in a relationship but I guess you have to go out and try out by yourself what is best for you.

But, yeah, sleeping around won't help your depression, that's for sure, no morals here, just facts, the two things (having sex / depression) are happening on two very different levels.

 

[SofiasMami]

Your thread title should really say Getting laid with a married woman is really overrated.

You'll never truly enjoy sex until you have a partner you love. You'll get what I mean when it happens.

-Teresa

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Scrambled eggs

 

[SofiasMami]

Scrambled eggs

...was the original working title for Yesterday by the Beatles. Just thought I'd mention that.

-Teresa

 

[Batman55]

Issues of misogyny or "lack of respect" aside for now--can I just ask the guy a question without bringing that up again?--may I ask how you changed from someone presumably lonely, shy, anxious into someone who was able to get 3 women in 6 months and become intimate with them? It is quite a transformation.

Did you somehow improve your status in that time, and that is most of the explanation? Or were the changes more in the way you carried yourself... dressing smartly, acting more confidently, speaking without getting tongue-tied, being more assertive, etc..? If so, how hard was it to get there?

 

[jaguarundi]

Well what a pleasant surprise with my morning coffee. The Alchemist is not a snot-nosed misogynist honeysuckle who needs a sharp slap upside the head The world breathes a sigh of relief...

So you have found out you want a relationship. Good for you, my little dumpling. Shame you haven't had one yet. As Peaches says

the things that you describe don't sound like relationships, sound like some steamy, unsavory affairs

I will set aside questions like 'where are you meeting these women' or 'what psychological issues have you that you are attracting women like this' - you might want to consider these yourself.

On the positive side, you have been dating for 6 months and have had 3 women in this time. OK so one was a bit troubled - but being chased around the kitchen by knife-wielding homicidal maniac is not statistically high on the list of things that happen when you are dating, so that shouldn't occur again. But one of these is someone who you might have had something real with, had she not been unavailable. Hells bells boy, one out of 3 ain't bad! There are people on this very site who would trample over their crippled grannies to get odds like that, even if it did end badly. Also you have gathered enough material for chapters one to three of a best selling novel....

I'm sort of doubting I'll ever find true love. Perhaps I'm not destined to find it.

So now you are doubting that you will ever find love. This is a normal phase after something has ended. Witness 90% of all love songs. Somewhere on a watery planet orbiting a distant star, a 24 metre high purple tentacle being is crooning an alien version of 'The First Cut is the Deepest' and refusing to get out of bed.

Listen to some music, write some bad poetry (if you must) take time to heal, and then get back out there. But when you do try dating again, remember that lust, like alcohol, can blind you to what a person is really like. So if you really want an intimate and loving relationship, don't be looking for sex before you have taken a bit of time to get to know the other person.

I will pass on some advice a wise old auntie once gave to me. If you are looking for a relationship, not just a hook-up, take a bit of extra time while you are showering and dressing for your first few dates with a new man/woman. Use this time to masturbate. Yes, you heard me boys and girls. Taking the edge of your sexual desire/frustration like this might enable you to see the other person without the lens of desire clouding your judgement. You also might be less likely to jump into bed with them at the first opportunity and end up regretting it. Setting that aside it should relax you a bit, and put a healthy glow in your cheeks...

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Scrambled eggs

...was the original working title for Yesterday by the Beatles. Just thought I'd mention that.

-Teresa

Wasn't it something like "Scrambled Eggs with buttered Toast and Jam"?

Anyway, OP, everyone hates their ex's, but you need to learn how to respect women. Don't treat relationships like you treated hookers, for starters.