bipolarBear
New member
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2016
- Messages
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Hi Everybody, I just joined this site today and thanks to the wonderful people I met in chat for the warm welcome.
I'm a guy who lives in Toronto Canada and I'm suffering from depression and loneliness. Honestly I feel like Toronto is the loneliest most unfriendly city in the world! I even tried to join a meetup group here, but they wouldn't have me, and they never told me why
In fact, many people try to get out of Toronto as fast as possible for many reasons! Some of them for not very nice reasons which I won't get into, but trust me, its not nice.
This holiday season was really really bad for me, the worse it's ever been, so I finally started looking for a way out and I found this site. It's really tough not having anybody to really talk to, especially people who you can really open up to, or understand. I do have friends, but most are like the kind of friends where you still feel lonely inside when you are with them, know what I mean? Its funny, not in the nice way, but loneliness is something that I'm really scared of, and I've lived with it all my life. I got pretty good at controlling it for a while, but something just really broke this season, and it all came boiling out, and it hit me like a freight train.
So basically I've just been singing sad songs and playing guitar because I just have to let those emotions out. Is that a bad thing or a good thing? It's like that John Cougar song, It Hurts So Good. Seriously, you know somebody's in big trouble if they are singing Adele! I honestly hope that she finds her happiness and stops writing these sad songs because even though they are great songs, I just want her to stop hurting!
And in case anybody was wondering, it wasn't really about a girl, except there were some around here in there, and not in the good way. I should know better by now, but this struggle between my brain and my DNA is being lost, and I know which side I am rooting for. Screw you CGATTACAATCCTTAAC, what have you ever done for me? Your selfish and don't care about me at all! I don't mind losing that battle if I win the war in the end, but that ain't happening, at least not in the most unfriendly city in the world. I wish I could just splice you out and replace you with something way cooler, like the ability to do back flips or riding a unicycle.
I tried dating/personals websites, but that ain't nothing but an exercise in humility. Besides I suspect that most of the profiles on there are fake.... actually some sites actually came out and admitted it. I wish they'd actually write some code to make people feel a bit better. It wouldn't take too much seriously. Just like add an auto response to let suckers like me down gently. Now I was dumb enough to actually pay them (again)! So I am sure some algorithm in their database is like, **** we just hooked a live one! Cuz I'm getting some responses and stuff, but none that ever come out say they like me. Guess even computer code has standards huh?
It's tough out here for me. I haven't had any physical contact in like almost 5 yrs since my last girlfriend. Like I need a good real hug that lasts. I rock myself now when I sleep. Now I've heard that that is what some autistic kids do. Anybody else out there do that?
I keep thinking about that line in the Avatar movie by James Cameron. The part where the Na'vi look at somebody and say "I see you". Now I know he probably got that line from some real honest to goodness Earth culture here, but I don't know it. But that got me thinking... nowadays I just don't get that. I think think people don't see me, I think they look right through me. Now to me, the sad part is that I think its been true for most of my life. I know that most people are just into their own lives and that is totally fair, but its nice to make connections. I mean what do we have if we don't have each other? We can't survive on our own. Sure I can fix a toaster, but I can't synthesize a vaccine or anything like that. I probably woulda been a good cave man. I'd totally be out there hunting and gathering for my cave homies, and I would have been so happy to do that! The times that I have been so happy are when I have somebody special to do nice things for. And its gotta be more than just friendships, because the ones I've had, are kinda limited. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about them, but a friendship is what it is. It means that you are never gonna be as important to somebody as their significant other is to them, and rightly so I might add. But in the end it still sucks. At least I never had that kinda friendship that I always want, and I'm not about to join a gang or anything like that. I used to have tons of female friends. I used to be a phone monster, we'd talk and talk. Now this was before the time of txt messages which I hate. My record I think was 10 hrs on the phone once. But you know? When my girl buddies got bf's and husbands they disappeared without even saying goodbye Now if any of you have friends that don't do that, that is awesome. You got real people who care.
OK, now this is really long and I don't even know if anybody will read this, but it kinda makes me feel a bit better just writing it, hoping that somebody will read it, and like .. feel me, know what I mean? I was always the type that wrote long emails to people, which is why I hate all this modern texting crap. Why I don't even remember the last time I actually spoke with somebody over the phone, and like I said, I used to be a phone monster. Maybe cuz I'm not phone worthy to anybody.
Anyways, if any of you have read all this, thanks a lot. I dunno what's gonna happen in the future, but it feels kinda comforting that a little part of is out there in the world.
Best wishes to all of you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm a guy who lives in Toronto Canada and I'm suffering from depression and loneliness. Honestly I feel like Toronto is the loneliest most unfriendly city in the world! I even tried to join a meetup group here, but they wouldn't have me, and they never told me why
In fact, many people try to get out of Toronto as fast as possible for many reasons! Some of them for not very nice reasons which I won't get into, but trust me, its not nice. This holiday season was really really bad for me, the worse it's ever been, so I finally started looking for a way out and I found this site. It's really tough not having anybody to really talk to, especially people who you can really open up to, or understand. I do have friends, but most are like the kind of friends where you still feel lonely inside when you are with them, know what I mean? Its funny, not in the nice way, but loneliness is something that I'm really scared of, and I've lived with it all my life. I got pretty good at controlling it for a while, but something just really broke this season, and it all came boiling out, and it hit me like a freight train.
So basically I've just been singing sad songs and playing guitar because I just have to let those emotions out. Is that a bad thing or a good thing? It's like that John Cougar song, It Hurts So Good. Seriously, you know somebody's in big trouble if they are singing Adele! I honestly hope that she finds her happiness and stops writing these sad songs because even though they are great songs, I just want her to stop hurting!
And in case anybody was wondering, it wasn't really about a girl, except there were some around here in there, and not in the good way. I should know better by now, but this struggle between my brain and my DNA is being lost, and I know which side I am rooting for. Screw you CGATTACAATCCTTAAC, what have you ever done for me? Your selfish and don't care about me at all! I don't mind losing that battle if I win the war in the end, but that ain't happening, at least not in the most unfriendly city in the world. I wish I could just splice you out and replace you with something way cooler, like the ability to do back flips or riding a unicycle.
I tried dating/personals websites, but that ain't nothing but an exercise in humility. Besides I suspect that most of the profiles on there are fake.... actually some sites actually came out and admitted it. I wish they'd actually write some code to make people feel a bit better. It wouldn't take too much seriously. Just like add an auto response to let suckers like me down gently. Now I was dumb enough to actually pay them (again)! So I am sure some algorithm in their database is like, **** we just hooked a live one! Cuz I'm getting some responses and stuff, but none that ever come out say they like me. Guess even computer code has standards huh?
It's tough out here for me. I haven't had any physical contact in like almost 5 yrs since my last girlfriend. Like I need a good real hug that lasts. I rock myself now when I sleep. Now I've heard that that is what some autistic kids do. Anybody else out there do that?
I keep thinking about that line in the Avatar movie by James Cameron. The part where the Na'vi look at somebody and say "I see you". Now I know he probably got that line from some real honest to goodness Earth culture here, but I don't know it. But that got me thinking... nowadays I just don't get that. I think think people don't see me, I think they look right through me. Now to me, the sad part is that I think its been true for most of my life. I know that most people are just into their own lives and that is totally fair, but its nice to make connections. I mean what do we have if we don't have each other? We can't survive on our own. Sure I can fix a toaster, but I can't synthesize a vaccine or anything like that. I probably woulda been a good cave man. I'd totally be out there hunting and gathering for my cave homies, and I would have been so happy to do that! The times that I have been so happy are when I have somebody special to do nice things for. And its gotta be more than just friendships, because the ones I've had, are kinda limited. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about them, but a friendship is what it is. It means that you are never gonna be as important to somebody as their significant other is to them, and rightly so I might add. But in the end it still sucks. At least I never had that kinda friendship that I always want, and I'm not about to join a gang or anything like that. I used to have tons of female friends. I used to be a phone monster, we'd talk and talk. Now this was before the time of txt messages which I hate. My record I think was 10 hrs on the phone once. But you know? When my girl buddies got bf's and husbands they disappeared without even saying goodbye
Now if any of you have friends that don't do that, that is awesome. You got real people who care.OK, now this is really long and I don't even know if anybody will read this, but it kinda makes me feel a bit better just writing it, hoping that somebody will read it, and like .. feel me, know what I mean? I was always the type that wrote long emails to people, which is why I hate all this modern texting crap. Why I don't even remember the last time I actually spoke with somebody over the phone, and like I said, I used to be a phone monster. Maybe cuz I'm not phone worthy to anybody.
Anyways, if any of you have read all this, thanks a lot. I dunno what's gonna happen in the future, but it feels kinda comforting that a little part of is out there in the world.
Best wishes to all of you from the bottom of my heart.
