How do you handle feeling lonely when you're not really alone?

[Prometeus]

I've felt very lonely from time to time for.. years, I think it started about 7 years ago when i left high school, where i had a very social life. Since then I've lost quite a few friends but also met the first women in my life, two of which has been my girlfriends (one currently is.)

About half a year ago I met by current gf, and for the first time in these 7 years I didn't feel lonely anymore. About a week ago she changed antidepressants, which has sort of completely shut her off, she tells me she doesn't really feel anything for me, but I hope that is just because of the medication situation.

So I'm back to feeling lonely, and I realize I can't be this dependent on my gf for being able to function as a person. Is it completely unreasonable to "demand" from oneself that one should be able to live with friends, family but without gf and not feel lonely?

The loneliness i feel is sort of existential, it feels like if my gf weren't with me, my entire future would be lonely, I imagine my friends leaving me, my older relatives dying and so on, and it makes me completely depressed. This also makes it very hard for me to live my life in general, when i get the anti-loneliness comfort my gf gives me i get stuff done, but when i'm alone i just can't focus on anything, especially not at home, and especially not in the evening.

I'm wondering if the various rejections and other sad things that have happened in my life has lead to this fear of being alone? Could it be that i'm depressed?

The fact is that I'm not a very lonely person, i have a gf even though she's.. distant, I have a small but loved/loving family, some close friends and quite a few other friends and i'm a pretty social guy at work.

I'm very grateful there is a forum like this, everyone here who spends time helping people who are alone or feel lonely is a ******* hero.

 

[HC22]

The loneliness i feel is sort of existential

You might have hit the point, in this case religion ( getting closer to God through Jesus 's message ) is the solution. It can truly give meaning to your life, it was like this for me. This is the reason that althoguh I'm pretty much always by myself I don't feel empty anymore.

Could it be that i'm depressed?

Yes is could be, the circumstances that trigger depression are different for each person, but personally I don't think you are.

I have a small but loved/loving family, some close friends and quite a few other friends and i'm a pretty social guy at work.

This is a very important thing, many people don't have such a luck.
Stop to think about it and realize it, because this also will make you appreciate your life more.
Personally I think that if you are healthy, have a healthy supporting family and a good spiritual life, you can consider yourself lucky no matter what.

I'm very grateful there is a forum like this, everyone here who spends time helping people who are alone or feel lonely is a ******* hero.

Become one ?
It could make you feel more fullfilled

Good luck

 

[somber_radiance]

I've felt very lonely from time to time for.. years, I think it started about 7 years ago when i left high school, where i had a very social life. Since then I've lost quite a few friends but also met the first women in my life, two of which has been my girlfriends (one currently is.)

About half a year ago I met by current gf, and for the first time in these 7 years I didn't feel lonely anymore. About a week ago she changed antidepressants, which has sort of completely shut her off, she tells me she doesn't really feel anything for me, but I hope that is just because of the medication situation.

So I'm back to feeling lonely, and I realize I can't be this dependent on my gf for being able to function as a person. Is it completely unreasonable to "demand" from oneself that one should be able to live with friends, family but without gf and not feel lonely?

The loneliness i feel is sort of existential, it feels like if my gf weren't with me, my entire future would be lonely, I imagine my friends leaving me, my older relatives dying and so on, and it makes me completely depressed. This also makes it very hard for me to live my life in general, when i get the anti-loneliness comfort my gf gives me i get stuff done, but when i'm alone i just can't focus on anything, especially not at home, and especially not in the evening.

I'm wondering if the various rejections and other sad things that have happened in my life has lead to this fear of being alone? Could it be that i'm depressed?

The fact is that I'm not a very lonely person, i have a gf even though she's.. distant, I have a small but loved/loving family, some close friends and quite a few other friends and i'm a pretty social guy at work.

I'm very grateful there is a forum like this, everyone here who spends time helping people who are alone or feel lonely is a ******* hero.

Wow, we're in the same boat...it's crazy how similar we feel. I have always felt lonely while among friends or family. I have a loving immediate and extensive family. I have many friends I can have fun with, but also a few really close ones that can be there for me when I need someone to talk to. What I don't have though is bf or gf.

For the longest time I thought finding a guy (my perfect match) would solve my loneliness problem. I wanted a guy in my life so badly, so I went through many unsatisfying flings. This year, I developed deep feelings for a guy I met in grad school. He quickly became a close friend (and then more than just a friend)...our relationship was a roller-coaster, but he made me happy...even his presence cheered me up. Like you, I could get so much work done when I sat with him in the library. And then...he left me. I was so hurt...for days I didn't feel like doing anything but cry. I realized how much I was relying on HIM to make me feel happy and motivated. Happiness shouldn't come from others...it's something you should be able to create on your own. People can leave, die, or let you down, but you'll always have yourself...so at least YOU shouldn't let yourself down.

I'm slowly learning not to anchor my happiness in others. I picked up drawing and story-writing again. These were hobbies that always provided me with a different kind of satisfaction/accomplishment. There are many other activities I can pick up too (sports, clubs, charities)...so many possibilities. I hope you can find happiness within yourself, whether it is doing something you enjoy or learning to love yourself more.

Plus, when you're happy in yourself, you become a glowing light that others would want to be around. It's a win-win situation.

 

[Prometeus]

Thank you for writing!

You might have hit the point, in this case religion ( getting closer to God through Jesus 's message ) is the solution. It can truly give meaning to your life, it was like this for me. This is the reason that althoguh I'm pretty much always by myself I don't feel empty anymore.

I can imagine that it gives you comfort and I'm glad it does, but being an atheist means that's not really possible for me, there is certainly such a thing as atheistic spirituality, but it's still more "pessimistic" than religious spirituality. I'm very skeptical about an afterlife and I do not believe in God so it doesn't give me that sort of comfort, but it gives me a sense of awe and mystique.

This is a very important thing, many people don't have such a luck.
Stop to think about it and realize it, because this also will make you appreciate your life more.
Personally I think that if you are healthy, have a healthy supporting family and a good spiritual life, you can consider yourself lucky no matter what.

I do feel lucky, especially now that my girlfriend decided to end things, I realize there are many who care.

Become one ?
It could make you feel more fullfilled

Good luck

Yes it feels great to give people to opportunity to become better and happier. I'll take a look around Thanks!

Wow, we're in the same boat...it's crazy how similar we feel.

Well I guess that counts as company

I have always felt lonely while among friends or family. I have a loving immediate and extensive family. I have many friends I can have fun with, but also a few really close ones that can be there for me when I need someone to talk to. What I don't have though is bf or gf.

For the longest time I thought finding a guy (my perfect match) would solve my loneliness problem. I wanted a guy in my life so badly, so I went through many unsatisfying flings. This year, I developed deep feelings for a guy I met in grad school. He quickly became a close friend (and then more than just a friend)...our relationship was a roller-coaster, but he made me happy...even his presence cheered me up. Like you, I could get so much work done when I sat with him in the library. And then...he left me. I was so hurt...for days I didn't feel like doing anything but cry. I realized how much I was relying on HIM to make me feel happy and motivated. Happiness shouldn't come from others...it's something you should be able to create on your own. People can leave, die, or let you down, but you'll always have yourself...so at least YOU shouldn't let yourself down.

I'm slowly learning not to anchor my happiness in others. I picked up drawing and story-writing again. These were hobbies that always provided me with a different kind of satisfaction/accomplishment. There are many other activities I can pick up too (sports, clubs, charities)...so many possibilities. I hope you can find happiness within yourself, whether it is doing something you enjoy or learning to love yourself more.

Plus, when you're happy in yourself, you become a glowing light that others would want to be around. It's a win-win situation.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this situation (even though it would actually be better if no one else had to suffer it...) My gf and I recently decided to break up, and even though she was taking the initiative I know she was right. It's a terrible idea to be together with someone romantically when you're not independent enough to feel comfortable on your own. So I guess we're kind of on the same track you and I, but the goal still feels very unreachable to me, I can imagine one can be content with living without a significant other, but would it really be possible to be so independent that one doesn't need other people at all? I think there is something in our genes that demand that we are around other people, just like it demands that we eat, breathe and so on. Have you made any progress on this, feeling more independent, that is?

Being "dumped" has been both good and bad for me so far, bad because I feel constantly empty and sad, I can hardly eat due to my loneliness anxiety and I've lost quite a lot of weight.

Good because it pushed me on what I hope is the right track, I feel motivated and quite hopeful, but that might change, I'm not very emotionally stable right now.

I've learned some things though, one good way of feeling less lonely is to get active, doesn't really matter what you do, it gets you out of the house and you feel better when you get back home. I'll try to do something new every day and avoid getting home alone before 8pm.

Perhaps we're no more complicated than dogs? They tend to get depressed and less social when they don't get exercised enough.

Sorry about my (sw)"english"

 

[HC22]

Thank you for writing!

You might have hit the point, in this case religion ( getting closer to God through Jesus 's message ) is the solution. It can truly give meaning to your life, it was like this for me. This is the reason that althoguh I'm pretty much always by myself I don't feel empty anymore.

I can imagine that it gives you comfort and I'm glad it does, but being an atheist means that's not really possible for me, there is certainly such a thing as atheistic spirituality, but it's still more "pessimistic" than religious spirituality. I'm very skeptical about an afterlife and I do not believe in God so it doesn't give me that sort of comfort, but it gives me a sense of awe and mystique.

The fact that you are an atheist now doesn't mean that you have to stay one, so I truly I hope that one day you'll change you're mind, to me it was the key of salvation. Religion is what can save you and give you comfort when everything else fails to.

I truly wish you the best my friend.

 

[Felix]

What you feel op, I've felt too. Is the emptyness you face when you become disconnected to someone you used to be connected with. There is something missing... How do you handle? I guess you either try to talk directly to the person and/or work to improve the relationship or move to other relationships and stablish new connections.

So my opinion from your post is that you are in a situation when you don't know exactly your gf's toughts. Seems quite difficult. Specially after all the time you've spent together. You'll be the one to decide if it's worth sticking by her side or not.

 

[Lost for now]

I think we're in the same situation. Yesterday someone asked me what made me happy and I replied talking to my boyfriend. Then they asked what else made me happy. I had no answer. I've been thinking over it for past 24 hours and I still can't come up with any answer, not even to myself, much less to anyone else.

I think it arises from being deprived of intimacy, of any sort, for a long period of time. And when you find the person whom you feel connected to, it's really hard not giving yourself up. You grant them a power so strong that even you don't know how to take control of it.

I come from a long-distance relationship. So when my boyfriend left the country almost an year ago, I had trouble going to sleep or getting up in the morning because I did not know what I was without him.
To cope up with that, I've been practising a few things -
- Taking up a hobby, the one I had given up years ago. Now I draw every day. It keeps me distracted and makes me happy.
- Making new friends, the ones I can relate to on different levels. Some share my taste in art, music, food or some are just funny. I like talking to them.
- Pleasing myself, be it with good food, or dressing up or going out by myself and drinking.
- Meditation, helped me sleep well and also clear my mind. There was just too much going on inside the head, still is. But it's much calmer now.

All I'm trying to say here is make up some time for yourself. Try to know yourself better. Be selfish, if you have to. If you won't make yourself happy, then nobody else will.

 

[Prometeus]

Thank you for writing!

You might have hit the point, in this case religion ( getting closer to God through Jesus 's message ) is the solution. It can truly give meaning to your life, it was like this for me. This is the reason that althoguh I'm pretty much always by myself I don't feel empty anymore.

I can imagine that it gives you comfort and I'm glad it does, but being an atheist means that's not really possible for me, there is certainly such a thing as atheistic spirituality, but it's still more "pessimistic" than religious spirituality. I'm very skeptical about an afterlife and I do not believe in God so it doesn't give me that sort of comfort, but it gives me a sense of awe and mystique.

The fact that you are an atheist now doesn't mean that you have to stay one, so I truly I hope that one day you'll change you're mind, to me it was the key of salvation. Religion is what can save you and give you comfort when everything else fails to.

I truly wish you the best my friend.

Yeah that's true, I'm open minded and enjoy spending time discussing religion and philosophy, I guess I'm unusual in that I enjoy visits from mormons and vitnesses

But so far I'm unconvinced.

Thank you! I hope you have a good life as well.

What you feel op, I've felt too. Is the emptyness you face when you become disconnected to someone you used to be connected with. There is something missing... How do you handle? I guess you either try to talk directly to the person and/or work to improve the relationship or move to other relationships and stablish new connections.

So my opinion from your post is that you are in a situation when you don't know exactly your gf's toughts. Seems quite difficult. Specially after all the time you've spent together. You'll be the one to decide if it's worth sticking by her side or not.

Sadly the relationship is already over, it was her decision but I'm somewhat ok with it. The problem transcends relationships though, it doesn't really matter who I'm with, when I¨m alone I feel lonely.

I wonder if it is so because I never was part of the "main" group in school and so on? I've always had friends though.

 

[whiteSky]

The problem transcends relationships though, it doesn't really matter who I'm with, when I¨m alone I feel lonely.

I had a predicament similar to yours op, when i broke up with my gf a while ago. It's hard to focus during the day, and can't really get anything done.
Sure I have friends and family there for me.. but still felt lonely all the same.

My theory is that when I was with my ex-gf.. I did not manage my time properly. I was too invested in our relationship, and I ended up neglecting my relationship
with my friends. So when we broke up, sure i still had friends around to support me but it never felt the same.

Since then, I think I've started to appreciate and value my relationship with my friends more. I told myself that I can be happy + not lonely even if i'm single.
I'm still struggling with this though.

I think Lost for now's advice is really good:

To cope up with that, I've been practising a few things -
- Taking up a hobby, the one I had given up years ago. Now I draw every day. It keeps me distracted and makes me happy.
- Making new friends, the ones I can relate to on different levels. Some share my taste in art, music, food or some are just funny. I like talking to them.
- Pleasing myself, be it with good food, or dressing up or going out by myself and drinking.
- Meditation, helped me sleep well and also clear my mind. There was just too much going on inside the head, still is. But it's much calmer now.

All I'm trying to say here is make up some time for yourself. Try to know yourself better. Be selfish, if you have to. If you won't make yourself happy, then nobody else will.

 

[Prometeus]

I think we're in the same situation. Yesterday someone asked me what made me happy and I replied talking to my boyfriend. Then they asked what else made me happy. I had no answer. I've been thinking over it for past 24 hours and I still can't come up with any answer, not even to myself, much less to anyone else.

I've had similar moments like that, the positive part of this is that we both have some exploring to do, I believe very much in that interests and "wants" don't come for free.

I think it arises from being deprived of intimacy, of any sort, for a long period of time. And when you find the person whom you feel connected to, it's really hard not giving yourself up. You grant them a power so strong that even you don't know how to take control of it.

Absolutely! I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 21 and my social life in general hasn't been that good, so there might be something to that.

I come from a long-distance relationship. So when my boyfriend left the country almost an year ago, I had trouble going to sleep or getting up in the morning because I did not know what I was without him.
To cope up with that, I've been practising a few things -
- Taking up a hobby, the one I had given up years ago. Now I draw every day. It keeps me distracted and makes me happy.
- Making new friends, the ones I can relate to on different levels. Some share my taste in art, music, food or some are just funny. I like talking to them.
- Pleasing myself, be it with good food, or dressing up or going out by myself and drinking.
- Meditation, helped me sleep well and also clear my mind. There was just too much going on inside the head, still is. But it's much calmer now.

All I'm trying to say here is make up some time for yourself. Try to know yourself better. Be selfish, if you have to. If you won't make yourself happy, then nobody else will.

I agree with all of this except for the self-distraction part, I don't think it's a good idea to do things just to get distracted from unpleasant feelings/thoughts. Sooner or later you will stop your activities and then you will feel bad. It's better to deal with the problems themselves.

The problem transcends relationships though, it doesn't really matter who I'm with, when I¨m alone I feel lonely.

I had a predicament similar to yours op, when i broke up with my gf a while ago. It's hard to focus during the day, and can't really get anything done.
Sure I have friends and family there for me.. but still felt lonely all the same.

My theory is that when I was with my ex-gf.. I did not manage my time properly. I was too invested in our relationship, and I ended up neglecting my relationship
with my friends. So when we broke up, sure i still had friends around to support me but it never felt the same.

Since then, I think I've started to appreciate and value my relationship with my friends more. I told myself that I can be happy + not lonely even if i'm single.
I'm still struggling with this though.

I think Lost for now's advice is really good:

Since we seem to feel the same way, do you worry that you won't find someone to spend your life with, that your ex-gf was the last one? I can feel that way, eventhough I know I'm a pretty awesome bf and that I'll probably find someone who makes me happy. Feelings aren't very rational...

I've been practicing mindfulness the last week or so, and I think it's been helping, so I would recommend that to anyone who wants to try something new to combat anxiety and loneliness.

In short, mindfulness is the practice of feeling present, living now instead of living in your dreams or in your memories. It's also completely secular so you can practice it no matter what religion or lack thereof you count yourself to.

 

[kinzeUK]

Good question. I will read and respond tomorrow/next time I'm on here and my eyes are a little less messed