I created my own loneliness

[OhGodImLonely]

I've been away from my family for 5 months. I haven't seen them since I left. Where I lived I had a few friends. We met quite regularly on week-ends.
The reason I left home was because I wanted to become independent. I don't know why I made that decision but I left for another town where an old friend was. He assured me I could get an apartment in no time so I went there.
I packed my bags and left. A week before that I had a big fight with all the members of my family. So I assume I left because I felt ashamed for starting that fight. I hit my sister because she went out with a guy I didn't like. My mother and brothers got involved and the day after I felt very odd in the house. There was an unbearable silence. No one would talk to me. And I wouldn't talk to nobody either.
I had spent a whole year on the doll, not doing much. I would sleep, eat, spend my day on the computer watching movies, and the night getting drunk. I would come back home late, eat something and go to bed. I was pretty much the parasite.
I had been through a very deep depression since I was an adolescent. That depression never really left me. When young I would do a lot of sport to get my mind off the depression. But when I turned 17 or so I stopped going to the gym and to replace the gym I started doing drugs and alcohol. Now I'm 28 so it's been a good 10 years of self-abuse.

So I arrived at my friend's and started searching for both a job and an apartment. I found the apartment 2 weeks later and a job a month after that. I began a new life and for the first time in my life I thought I could make a living on my own and be responsible.
The problem started a few weeks later when my friend decided to leave the town and fly to Canada. I said ok now I'm alone but I have everything I need to keep going. So I continued working and paying the rent. Very soon I got fed up with my job and I think that's when the loneliness kicked in. I hadn't drank nor smoked for a few months. I wanted to be clean. But when the loneliness got stronger the first thing that came to mind was I could do some booze and smoke to relieve that feeling.
The weeks passed by and I increased my alcohol consumption to the point where I would drink everyday. The work didn't help because it was very boring and repetitive. Outside the job I didn't do much, and still don't. I quit the job about 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take it any longer.
That's when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. I was considering dying because I had left my family to get a better life and as a matter of fact my life was worse than when I left. I had failed. At least back there I had them and a few friends as well who I saw quite enough to say they were my friends. Here I have no one.

Now I'm stuck here. I should give back the keys by late December and go somewhere else. The thing is I can't get back to my family because I swore to myself that I would cope by myself from now on and that it would be a very big failure otherwise.
So now I'm left with a little money and not sure what I'm going to do when I give back the keys. My plan was to travel to Australia and spend a year or two to give me some time to think about what I'm going to do with my life. But when I get there I'll have like 2500$ left in my bank account and I'm scared I don't find a job quickly and start to lack money and live in the streets like a bum.
The future scares me a lot. Now I have a month to think about what I really want to do and make sure I'm able to do it.

Please if you can give me some advice that would help. Thanks very much.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

A good tool for a bum to have is a can opener, it's all you need really. Canned goods are on the cheap and provide a days worth of nourishment per serving, usually.

I think part of being independent is more about accepting responsibility and depending on yourself. If you are alone in the woods and break your **** leg, then part of being a responsible independent person is knowing that in order to get back to the point of self reliance you were at previous to the broken leg, you may have to find some help if you can.

Being truly independent of everyone for anything, is a very difficult task to achieve. The monks and the priests lead very solitary lives, but yet most of their well being is due to the charity of others.

I think you have to accept responsibility for alienating yourself from your family, accept that you had a goal, you achieved it, and it didn't work out as smooth as you would have hoped. Seems like you've figured out you can't depend on alcohol and smoking.

Seems like if you want to make this work on your own you better find some more work and get in touch with a social network of some sort. There's all kinds of meetings everywhere filled with sad lost ******* looking to find some sort of meaning in the chaos that is their lives, if you get lucky, you might make some friends.

Seeing the situation you are in, such places may be your best bet. Happy people aren't always sympathetic to those in tough times. They'd rather do charity or throw money at problems.

I don't really have all that great of advice for you, I am not independent myself.

I would suggest getting a hold of a can opener, though, if you don't own one. Build a social network if you can. Human beings are social creatures, generally. Even the hermits must come out of their caves from time to time to let the tribe know they aren't dead yet and such.

So yeah, can opener, job, some sort of new social network, etc.. etc..

Focus on what you can do, and get to it. Might want to work on patching things up with your family, too, if you can. They'll be a lot more sympathetic to you in times of need if your on their good side.

Good luck, that's about all I've got, if it's worth anything.

 

[perfanoff]

Deep down you have to find the courage to forgive yourself to the mistakes you've made and face them. Everybody makes mistakes. Yours is a big one but not unforgivable.

But I feel you need to do some soul searching before there's any reason of going back to your family. And I can tell you that, I've ran too, on the opposite side of the world to be exact and no matter how far you run, you can't run away from your shadow. But you already know that.

Best of luck out there.

 

[monkeysocks]

Have you talked to your family about the options you have ?

Going back to your family would be a safer one to a degree and it wouldn't have to be forever, it might even pave the way to a more successful trip abroad to sort things out first regarding money, drinking etc before you venture to another country.

I am concerned if things didn't work out abroad the stress of having little money etc is going to have a bad impact on you.

But you must follow your heart, you are obviously aware of the risks of going abroad.

It does seem that you have made a break through, and sound much more focused. So well done.

 

[MsMac]

Your family love you and probably miss you a lot. If they don't know where you are they are probably really worried also.

It is not admitting defeat if you go back.
If someone needs help, and reaches out for it, to me, that shows courage.

Family should ALWAYS be there for you and they will forgive you
all families argue

 

[The Good Citizen]

Get in touch with your family. Whether you choose to go back or not probably isn’t the immediate issue right now but saying sorry and showing you still care about them might be.

With that monkey off your back it can give you the impetus to start afresh, you've done it before, things just changed that’s all and without your family as support it was probably inevitable you would slip back into old bad habits. Maybe putting that ghost to rest will give you peace of mind to clear your head and start making some good decisions again.

Moving home is not failure, its just giving yourself a base to start again so make it an option but not your sole option just yet. See if you can make it on your own and really push yourself, but one way or another do get in touch with them. It sounds like you need to hear their voice down the phone, tell them you love them, it might prove cathartic.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Honestly?

Talk to your family. Taking more risks while you are already in a shaky, unstable position, is not a good idea in any way, shape, or form. I've known others in your position - and everyone who didn't go back to family ended up in disaster. There aren't many people you can trust in this world, and sometimes not even family - but far and wide, your best option is family.

And you need something to believe in. The reason why you keep stumbling is because you're essentially hollow - you do nothing because it is for nothing; you find life meaningless, which makes everything pointless. Go back to your family, find some peace, and discover something worthwhile to live for. Until I've found my purpose, not much meant anything either; purpose is everything.

 

[OhGodImLonely]

A good tool for a bum to have is a can opener, it's all you need really. Canned goods are on the cheap and provide a days worth of nourishment per serving, usually.

I think part of being independent is more about accepting responsibility and depending on yourself. If you are alone in the woods and break your **** leg, then part of being a responsible independent person is knowing that in order to get back to the point of self reliance you were at previous to the broken leg, you may have to find some help if you can.

Being truly independent of everyone for anything, is a very difficult task to achieve. The monks and the priests lead very solitary lives, but yet most of their well being is due to the charity of others.

I think you have to accept responsibility for alienating yourself from your family, accept that you had a goal, you achieved it, and it didn't work out as smooth as you would have hoped. Seems like you've figured out you can't depend on alcohol and smoking.

Seems like if you want to make this work on your own you better find some more work and get in touch with a social network of some sort. There's all kinds of meetings everywhere filled with sad lost ******* looking to find some sort of meaning in the chaos that is their lives, if you get lucky, you might make some friends.

Seeing the situation you are in, such places may be your best bet. Happy people aren't always sympathetic to those in tough times. They'd rather do charity or throw money at problems.

I don't really have all that great of advice for you, I am not independent myself.

I would suggest getting a hold of a can opener, though, if you don't own one. Build a social network if you can. Human beings are social creatures, generally. Even the hermits must come out of their caves from time to time to let the tribe know they aren't dead yet and such.

So yeah, can opener, job, some sort of new social network, etc.. etc..

Focus on what you can do, and get to it. Might want to work on patching things up with your family, too, if you can. They'll be a lot more sympathetic to you in times of need if your on their good side.

Good luck, that's about all I've got, if it's worth anything.

Thanks for the can opener advice. I already got one so I'll definitely bring it along. But I hope I'm not going to sleep rough there. That would be a disaster.

---

Deep down you have to find the courage to forgive yourself to the mistakes you've made and face them. Everybody makes mistakes. Yours is a big one but not unforgivable.

But I feel you need to do some soul searching before there's any reason of going back to your family. And I can tell you that, I've ran too, on the opposite side of the world to be exact and no matter how far you run, you can't run away from your shadow. But you already know that.

Best of luck out there.

I'll give a call every body before I go. In case I should die there. At least they know I loved them.

---

Have you talked to your family about the options you have ?

Going back to your family would be a safer one to a degree and it wouldn't have to be forever, it might even pave the way to a more successful trip abroad to sort things out first regarding money, drinking etc before you venture to another country.

I am concerned if things didn't work out abroad the stress of having little money etc is going to have a bad impact on you.

But you must follow your heart, you are obviously aware of the risks of going abroad.

It does seem that you have made a break through, and sound much more focused. So well done.

Go back to my family would be safer I agree but being safe isn't something that'll bring joy to my life. I need to bring about changes in my life and not depend on family support to the end of my life. Because they'll die anyway and I'll ultimately have to be on my own again. So let's see if I can handle myself for once in my life and see if it brings about some good. I've already booked my ticket and it's a oneway and with no insurance for money recovery in case I change my mind. I know that sounds kinda stupid but I don't wanna look back now.

---

Your family love you and probably miss you a lot. If they don't know where you are they are probably really worried also.

It is not admitting defeat if you go back.
If someone needs help, and reaches out for it, to me, that shows courage.

Family should ALWAYS be there for you and they will forgive you
all families argue

All I wish is to get back with a healthy mind. Right now is to soon. If I went back there now I'd only repeat the old destructive patterns and create more sadness than happiness. Right now I'm sure they're better off without me. Even if they might think otherwise.

---

Get in touch with your family. Whether you choose to go back or not probably isn’t the immediate issue right now but saying sorry and showing you still care about them might be.

With that monkey off your back it can give you the impetus to start afresh, you've done it before, things just changed that’s all and without your family as support it was probably inevitable you would slip back into old bad habits. Maybe putting that ghost to rest will give you peace of mind to clear your head and start making some good decisions again.

Moving home is not failure, its just giving yourself a base to start again so make it an option but not your sole option just yet. See if you can make it on your own and really push yourself, but one way or another do get in touch with them. It sounds like you need to hear their voice down the phone, tell them you love them, it might prove cathartic.

I'll do dude. Thanks for the message.

---

Honestly?

Talk to your family. Taking more risks while you are already in a shaky, unstable position, is not a good idea in any way, shape, or form. I've known others in your position - and everyone who didn't go back to family ended up in disaster. There aren't many people you can trust in this world, and sometimes not even family - but far and wide, your best option is family.

And you need something to believe in. The reason why you keep stumbling is because you're essentially hollow - you do nothing because it is for nothing; you find life meaningless, which makes everything pointless. Go back to your family, find some peace, and discover something worthwhile to live for. Until I've found my purpose, not much meant anything either; purpose is everything.

Sense of purpose is exactly what I want to create with this trip.

 

[monkeysocks]

You sound really strong and adamant, but this bit worries me:

You said 'I'll give a call every body before I go. In case I should die there. At least they know I loved them.'

It sounds (and correct me if I am wrong) a bit like Russian roulette. Going has given you motivation and drive and don't deny you that, but if its goes wrong I am concerned if you are going to spiral down further than you have been, especially after reading the sentence above.

Sometimes when we find a solution of hope or possible cure, we hang onto the success of it, and not consider the possibility of failure or disappointment or how we are going to handle it.

If things go wrong out there, whats your fall back plan ?

 

[bulmabriefs144]

I've been away from my family for 5 months. I haven't seen them since I left. Where I lived I had a few friends. We met quite regularly on week-ends.
The reason I left home was because I wanted to become independent. I don't know why I made that decision but I left for another town where an old friend was. He assured me I could get an apartment in no time so I went there.
I packed my bags and left. A week before that I had a big fight with all the members of my family. So I assume I left because I felt ashamed for starting that fight. I hit my sister because she went out with a guy I didn't like. My mother and brothers got involved and the day after I felt very odd in the house. There was an unbearable silence. No one would talk to me. And I wouldn't talk to nobody either.
I had spent a whole year on the doll, not doing much. I would sleep, eat, spend my day on the computer watching movies, and the night getting drunk. I would come back home late, eat something and go to bed. I was pretty much the parasite.
I had been through a very deep depression since I was an adolescent. That depression never really left me. When young I would do a lot of sport to get my mind off the depression. But when I turned 17 or so I stopped going to the gym and to replace the gym I started doing drugs and alcohol. Now I'm 28 so it's been a good 10 years of self-abuse.

So I arrived at my friend's and started searching for both a job and an apartment. I found the apartment 2 weeks later and a job a month after that. I began a new life and for the first time in my life I thought I could make a living on my own and be responsible.
The problem started a few weeks later when my friend decided to leave the town and fly to Canada. I said ok now I'm alone but I have everything I need to keep going. So I continued working and paying the rent. Very soon I got fed up with my job and I think that's when the loneliness kicked in. I hadn't drank nor smoked for a few months. I wanted to be clean. But when the loneliness got stronger the first thing that came to mind was I could do some booze and smoke to relieve that feeling.
The weeks passed by and I increased my alcohol consumption to the point where I would drink everyday. The work didn't help because it was very boring and repetitive. Outside the job I didn't do much, and still don't. I quit the job about 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take it any longer.
That's when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. I was considering dying because I had left my family to get a better life and as a matter of fact my life was worse than when I left. I had failed. At least back there I had them and a few friends as well who I saw quite enough to say they were my friends. Here I have no one.

Now I'm stuck here. I should give back the keys by late December and go somewhere else. The thing is I can't get back to my family because I swore to myself that I would cope by myself from now on and that it would be a very big failure otherwise.
So now I'm left with a little money and not sure what I'm going to do when I give back the keys. My plan was to travel to Australia and spend a year or two to give me some time to think about what I'm going to do with my life. But when I get there I'll have like 2500$ left in my bank account and I'm scared I don't find a job quickly and start to lack money and live in the streets like a bum.
The future scares me a lot. Now I have a month to think about what I really want to do and make sure I'm able to do it.

Please if you can give me some advice that would help. Thanks very much.

Bullshit. I call bullshit.

Look, American culture and for the better part modern Western culture, has people buying this crap line about independence. It's a hoax.

We have a culture of a billion (or whatever, I'm no good at math) people who are "connected" by having some number of friends, and who are "independent" by cutting ties with close friends and family. They're both complete and utter lies. Connectedness by friending a bunch of random people isn't true connectedness, and independence is impossible because without other people what are you dependent on? Yourself. You said it yourself, you got hooked on drinking and this sort of lifestyle, and basically wasted your time alone. Suck it up, go home to your family, and admit what a miserable piece of human being you are right now. With any luck, they'll take you back, and you'll have learned a lesson. If they don't, well, you made your bed.

You are right about the title. I too have created my own loneliness. So let me tell you a little story...

Seven years ago, I went to China. Because of a relationship that wasn't going well. I had a lot of fun, and taught kids English (sorta).

When I came back, I had a sort of reverse culture-shock and never really recovered (we have such screwed-up hiring priorities). I spent alot of time doing nothing, and sitting in my room, then my dad pushed me into this employment commission job which turned out to be some double-shift janitorial job. I really hated it, and decided to downsize (I told him I'm not working anymore, but that didn't work, and somehow I got out of the nights), so I could take classes, and do part time gardening stuff. So for awhile, I gradually phased out of this job, and was able to take up a more flexible job, and my evenings I could use to take classes.

Later I met this girl (Caitlin H) who walked with us in the evenings, since my family liked to exercise. She was sweet and I still miss her. She couldn't let go of her boyfriend in Alaska, and I couldn't persuade her otherwise, so I just said "fresia it" one day, and gave my parents some line about independence. "What's your plan?" they said. I didn't have one, I was scared, because once again, I wasn't connecting, and I didn't want to be someone's second option.

So I make up some story, and head out. They gave me clothes, gear, and a bunch of supplies and I go in my car, aimlessly for a day, getting really depressed. Then I head over to my sister's and mooch off of her for a few weeks, she gets me an apartment, and I realize something immediately. I hate having my own apartment. I hate paying rent, because frankly, I spend most of my time meeting her friends, and I'm in some cheapo middle of nowhere apartment three miles outside town, paying $300 a month when all I really need is a couch to crash on. I can't find a job there (heavy Hispanic zone in Arizona, speak Spanish or you're doomed), and don't want to. I don't make friends normally, I don't go out and meet people, meaning I mainly hang out with family friends.

So I leave. My sister tells me about WWOOF, so I tour the US getting small stipends for farm work.

My first experience is an actual cult (Morning Star Farms, run by Twelve Tribes). If you ever want good insight why independence is basically impossible, look at a cult. Humans can't even control their own addictions, and yet the first thing they do is try to control other people.

Then I go to somewhere up in Washington, just north of Seattle (on an island). These were supposedly good Christian people (or at least people who believed in homeschooling kids and memorizing random Bible verses). So for awhile, I'm staying rent-free, and being paid a stipend of $75 a week. I go to a wedding and get kicked out almost immediately afterwards (they are having a July 4th party and family is coming over). I have like nowhere to go, so I decide to stay until then so I use campsites for $15 a night (this by the way adds up to more than the $300 with no roof over my head, basically just for parking privileges, so yea I'm still getting $75 a week, but first they let me stay with their son at his apartment, but nah that's out even though I clean their grub-filled kitchen, then I get kicked out of there, and get campgrounds with an addition of some grocery money meaning I can sorta afford the $15 parking, then I get in some kind of accident and try to blow off steam by making a joke of it and they decide "I don't even care" and cut even that). So, I like these guys, and wanna stay near them, and my reward for waking up early driving around burning gas and grocery money? I'm basically being told quietly to leave and having my own earnings wasted for essentially slave labor, but wait I'm being rude if I try to make a joke of something that was an accident? Some Christians.

So I go to New Mexico for the next job. I'm allowed to leave for some days, because frankly it's too hot, so when work is done, I head to the library or movies. I recover alot of money in just two weeks of work, and she doesn't mind that I can't get anything to grow there. The burner doesn't work so I eat essentially cold canned food, but I'm treated a hell of a lot more decently than those Bible-bashers (I actually go to church, and this is no way to treat a fellow human being).

I get a job for Chicago area in two weeks, but in the mean time I stop for a job in Grand Junction. I last two days before the woman manages to rub me the wrong way. I'm tired of control freaks, so I bolt. I spend the next two weeks touring the country, and spending nights when I can at rest stops for free, or in cheap hotels (some states don't actually allow you to rest in rest stops, meaning the stupid place shouldn't even exist).

I work in Chicago having a decent wage, and a roof over my head, and free food. I still spend some money, but I could seriously stay here. Only I can't, because after a month of working, one of the old workers was coming back, and me being the newest, had to go. Since I had gotten a birthday message on my phone from family and Caitlin, I decided to head home. After stopping in Michigan and working for my uncle awhile (before this, my dad and uncle were not close, they've gotten closer since), I saw Niagara Falls (US side sucks, they can't see anything but a big column, whereas Canada can see the entire horseshoe) and heading back a roundabout way (I wanted more exploring) I headed home.

We moved, and I went with my parents. Caitlin lost touch with me, after I screwed things up. My sister moved back east, and my sister thinks I should move to the city, and work full-time to own an apartment. Be "independent." I'm independent now. I'm living on my terms, doing the jobs I want to be doing (though I could use a few more hours), and spending time with the people I want to be seeing. And now I'm an uncle. But I will probably never get married, or even date again.

I put the world's promises of independence and success aside, for dependence and true connectedness. But paradoxically, because I put life at home first, if I want to drive 50 miles away to visit other people, well it's tough, because I work about two days a week for only a few hours. I don't want a job that demands more of my time than that, not unless I can somehow control the hours (hence, I'm freelancing garden work and handing out business cards). So, yea I created my own loneliness, by seeking its exact opposite.

Read "Into The Wild" about Chris McCandless. Or see the movie.

 

[OhGodImLonely]

I've been away from my family for 5 months. I haven't seen them since I left. Where I lived I had a few friends. We met quite regularly on week-ends.
The reason I left home was because I wanted to become independent. I don't know why I made that decision but I left for another town where an old friend was. He assured me I could get an apartment in no time so I went there.
I packed my bags and left. A week before that I had a big fight with all the members of my family. So I assume I left because I felt ashamed for starting that fight. I hit my sister because she went out with a guy I didn't like. My mother and brothers got involved and the day after I felt very odd in the house. There was an unbearable silence. No one would talk to me. And I wouldn't talk to nobody either.
I had spent a whole year on the doll, not doing much. I would sleep, eat, spend my day on the computer watching movies, and the night getting drunk. I would come back home late, eat something and go to bed. I was pretty much the parasite.
I had been through a very deep depression since I was an adolescent. That depression never really left me. When young I would do a lot of sport to get my mind off the depression. But when I turned 17 or so I stopped going to the gym and to replace the gym I started doing drugs and alcohol. Now I'm 28 so it's been a good 10 years of self-abuse.

So I arrived at my friend's and started searching for both a job and an apartment. I found the apartment 2 weeks later and a job a month after that. I began a new life and for the first time in my life I thought I could make a living on my own and be responsible.
The problem started a few weeks later when my friend decided to leave the town and fly to Canada. I said ok now I'm alone but I have everything I need to keep going. So I continued working and paying the rent. Very soon I got fed up with my job and I think that's when the loneliness kicked in. I hadn't drank nor smoked for a few months. I wanted to be clean. But when the loneliness got stronger the first thing that came to mind was I could do some booze and smoke to relieve that feeling.
The weeks passed by and I increased my alcohol consumption to the point where I would drink everyday. The work didn't help because it was very boring and repetitive. Outside the job I didn't do much, and still don't. I quit the job about 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take it any longer.
That's when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. I was considering dying because I had left my family to get a better life and as a matter of fact my life was worse than when I left. I had failed. At least back there I had them and a few friends as well who I saw quite enough to say they were my friends. Here I have no one.

Now I'm stuck here. I should give back the keys by late December and go somewhere else. The thing is I can't get back to my family because I swore to myself that I would cope by myself from now on and that it would be a very big failure otherwise.
So now I'm left with a little money and not sure what I'm going to do when I give back the keys. My plan was to travel to Australia and spend a year or two to give me some time to think about what I'm going to do with my life. But when I get there I'll have like 2500$ left in my bank account and I'm scared I don't find a job quickly and start to lack money and live in the streets like a bum.
The future scares me a lot. Now I have a month to think about what I really want to do and make sure I'm able to do it.

Please if you can give me some advice that would help. Thanks very much.

Bullshit. I call bullshit.

Look, American culture and for the better part modern Western culture, has people buying this crap line about independence. It's a hoax.

We have a culture of a billion (or whatever, I'm no good at math) people who are "connected" by having some number of friends, and who are "independent" by cutting ties with close friends and family. They're both complete and utter lies. Connectedness by friending a bunch of random people isn't true connectedness, and independence is impossible because without other people what are you dependent on? Yourself. You said it yourself, you got hooked on drinking and this sort of lifestyle, and basically wasted your time alone. Suck it up, go home to your family, and admit what a miserable piece of human being you are right now. With any luck, they'll take you back, and you'll have learned a lesson. If they don't, well, you made your bed.

You are right about the title. I too have created my own loneliness. So let me tell you a little story...

Seven years ago, I went to China. Because of a relationship that wasn't going well. I had a lot of fun, and taught kids English (sorta).

When I came back, I had a sort of reverse culture-shock and never really recovered (we have such screwed-up hiring priorities). I spent alot of time doing nothing, and sitting in my room, then my dad pushed me into this employment commission job which turned out to be some double-shift janitorial job. I really hated it, and decided to downsize (I told him I'm not working anymore, but that didn't work, and somehow I got out of the nights), so I could take classes, and do part time gardening stuff. So for awhile, I gradually phased out of this job, and was able to take up a more flexible job, and my evenings I could use to take classes.

Later I met this girl (Caitlin H) who walked with us in the evenings, since my family liked to exercise. She was sweet and I still miss her. She couldn't let go of her boyfriend in Alaska, and I couldn't persuade her otherwise, so I just said "fresia it" one day, and gave my parents some line about independence. "What's your plan?" they said. I didn't have one, I was scared, because once again, I wasn't connecting, and I didn't want to be someone's second option.

So I make up some story, and head out. They gave me clothes, gear, and a bunch of supplies and I go in my car, aimlessly for a day, getting really depressed. Then I head over to my sister's and mooch off of her for a few weeks, she gets me an apartment, and I realize something immediately. I hate having my own apartment. I hate paying rent, because frankly, I spend most of my time meeting her friends, and I'm in some cheapo middle of nowhere apartment three miles outside town, paying $300 a month when all I really need is a couch to crash on. I can't find a job there (heavy Hispanic zone in Arizona, speak Spanish or you're doomed), and don't want to. I don't make friends normally, I don't go out and meet people, meaning I mainly hang out with family friends.

So I leave. My sister tells me about WWOOF, so I tour the US getting small stipends for farm work.

My first experience is an actual cult (Morning Star Farms, run by Twelve Tribes). If you ever want good insight why independence is basically impossible, look at a cult. Humans can't even control their own addictions, and yet the first thing they do is try to control other people.

Then I go to somewhere up in Washington, just north of Seattle (on an island). These were supposedly good Christian people (or at least people who believed in homeschooling kids and memorizing random Bible verses). So for awhile, I'm staying rent-free, and being paid a stipend of $75 a week. I go to a wedding and get kicked out almost immediately afterwards (they are having a July 4th party and family is coming over). I have like nowhere to go, so I decide to stay until then so I use campsites for $15 a night (this by the way adds up to more than the $300 with no roof over my head, basically just for parking privileges, so yea I'm still getting $75 a week, but first they let me stay with their son at his apartment, but nah that's out even though I clean their grub-filled kitchen, then I get kicked out of there, and get campgrounds with an addition of some grocery money meaning I can sorta afford the $15 parking, then I get in some kind of accident and try to blow off steam by making a joke of it and they decide "I don't even care" and cut even that). So, I like these guys, and wanna stay near them, and my reward for waking up early driving around burning gas and grocery money? I'm basically being told quietly to leave and having my own earnings wasted for essentially slave labor, but wait I'm being rude if I try to make a joke of something that was an accident? Some Christians.

So I go to New Mexico for the next job. I'm allowed to leave for some days, because frankly it's too hot, so when work is done, I head to the library or movies. I recover alot of money in just two weeks of work, and she doesn't mind that I can't get anything to grow there. The burner doesn't work so I eat essentially cold canned food, but I'm treated a hell of a lot more decently than those Bible-bashers (I actually go to church, and this is no way to treat a fellow human being).

I get a job for Chicago area in two weeks, but in the mean time I stop for a job in Grand Junction. I last two days before the woman manages to rub me the wrong way. I'm tired of control freaks, so I bolt. I spend the next two weeks touring the country, and spending nights when I can at rest stops for free, or in cheap hotels (some states don't actually allow you to rest in rest stops, meaning the stupid place shouldn't even exist).

I work in Chicago having a decent wage, and a roof over my head, and free food. I still spend some money, but I could seriously stay here. Only I can't, because after a month of working, one of the old workers was coming back, and me being the newest, had to go. Since I had gotten a birthday message on my phone from family and Caitlin, I decided to head home. After stopping in Michigan and working for my uncle awhile (before this, my dad and uncle were not close, they've gotten closer since), I saw Niagara Falls (US side sucks, they can't see anything but a big column, whereas Canada can see the entire horseshoe) and heading back a roundabout way (I wanted more exploring) I headed home.

We moved, and I went with my parents. Caitlin lost touch with me, after I screwed things up. My sister moved back east, and my sister thinks I should move to the city, and work full-time to own an apartment. Be "independent." I'm independent now. I'm living on my terms, doing the jobs I want to be doing (though I could use a few more hours), and spending time with the people I want to be seeing. And now I'm an uncle. But I will probably never get married, or even date again.

I put the world's promises of independence and success aside, for dependence and true connectedness. But paradoxically, because I put life at home first, if I want to drive 50 miles away to visit other people, well it's tough, because I work about two days a week for only a few hours. I don't want a job that demands more of my time than that, not unless I can somehow control the hours (hence, I'm freelancing garden work and handing out business cards). So, yea I created my own loneliness, by seeking its exact opposite.

Read "Into The Wild" about Chris McCandless. Or see the movie.

Waw you've had some good time man ! that is such an experience ! I'd love to travel around like that too and see some new honeysuckle because I feel like all I've seen of this life is my garden and my dick.

I'm going to Australia because there it seems quite easy to live that kind of life. First there's lots of odd jobs to do and especially in farming where workers live under the same roof so it's a good thing for making friends and it's well-paid and this country has great landscapes and awesome beaches all along the east coast, etc. I can't wait to be there !

I'm not going to read that book though because I didn't like the movie and I'm on another book right now "LOVE and DEATH in the American novel" and it's pretty good but thanks for the suggestion anyway !

---

You sound really strong and adamant, but this bit worries me:

You said 'I'll give a call every body before I go. In case I should die there. At least they know I loved them.'

It sounds (and correct me if I am wrong) a bit like Russian roulette. Going has given you motivation and drive and don't deny you that, but if its goes wrong I am concerned if you are going to spiral down further than you have been, especially after reading the sentence above.

Sometimes when we find a solution of hope or possible cure, we hang onto the success of it, and not consider the possibility of failure or disappointment or how we are going to handle it.

If things go wrong out there, whats your fall back plan ?

I don't have any fall back plan. I'm rushing headlong. I have no choice. Staying here is not even an option any more. Every day I'm counting the remaining days before I go.
I don't care about the idea of dying there because here I'm sort of dead already (metaphysically speaking). And I'll die anyway here or there.

I don't want to consider the possibility of failure because it's depressing and I don't need that right now. I have to stay focused on my trip and get ready as much as possible and stay positive.

I'm sure I can make it there. I don't know why but something keeps telling me this inside my head and it makes me kinda excited and happy. So yep, let's go !

 

[bulmabriefs144]

I think you missed the point of my text. Yes, my travels were fun, but throughout them, I met people who either wanted to control me, or think of a nice way of telling me "bugger off" because I couldn't get controlled. I came seeking a place to fit, and only found it back at home. The next time I'm forced to travel (i.e. I don't fit at home either), I'll probably seek instead a place to die.

There is nowhere to go that will automatically be any better. Not Australia, not Antarctica.

Wherever you go, even if it's back to your folks, you must decide you belong there and make the effort.

Otherwise, you could wind up stranded somewhere with no money. Chris McCandless died, because he failed to plan ahead and bring enough supplies. But he really died because he had a death wish.

 

[monkeysocks]

I agree with post above.

I also understand how you feel, felt in similar positions myself, I didn't like addressing the worse case scenario, but realised if I hadn't I WOULD have failed. Because any new venture is as much pressure as it is opportunity already.

Thats not pissing on your parade, its just pointing out how not addressing such can affect you. Consider some safety nets and you WILL have a far better trip because you won't be under so much pressure to succeed.

Sometimes we have to take a few steps back to go forward and the thought of it is always far worse than it actually turns out. So please consider yourself (and your family) as an option if it was to go wrong.

The thing that is telling you to go is called 'hope' and it is great that you have picked yourself up to look for it, but if you don't consider the pitfalls and solutions for them it is blind hope.

Certain people can spot vulnerable circumstances a mile off and will take advantage, even if you are not actively showing it.

You have made so much headway by now thinking proactively, but that is fruitless if you don't consider the risks.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I do not believe you are not going to create purpose by rushing headlong; you are essentially, in a way, running away. Genuine change needs to come from within, not without.

 

[SophiaGrace]

you are essentially running away.

+1

 

[ardour]

You could just contact your parents and try and find a job and an apartment or flat within a few hours drive. There's no need to move back home.

What can you expect out of life if you're going to roam around the world doing unskilled labour.

Some qualifications and some sort of plan are required.

You can earn a lot working in the mines, but these days the jobs are likely to be way out in the middle of nowhere, as in Western Australia or Northern Territories. It seems like another attempt to escape, same as you have for the last decade. If it hasn't worked out so far, why would it this time?

 

[shocktop]

My advice will be short and sweet. I don't think being independent means that you can't lean on people every once in a while. It's good to have a support network. I wish I had one. My family is far away from me.

 

[OhGodImLonely]

You could just contact your parents and try and find a job and an apartment or flat within a few hours drive. There's no need to move back home.

What can you expect out of life if you're going to roam around the world doing unskilled labour.

Some qualifications and some sort of plan are required.

You can earn a lot working in the mines, but these days the jobs are likely to be way out in the middle of nowhere, as in Western Australia or Northern Territories. It seems like another attempt to escape, same as you have for the last decade. If it hasn't worked out so far, why would it this time?

You are killing me with you poisonous words. So do all the messages above. Hey guys, stop ruining my pulp. I'm happy for once; so don't spoil my joy with your negative comments.

What do you guys want me to do ? go back to my mum, cry a little bit and stay in my bedroom doing nothing ?!

If that's what you call "being safe", I don't want any of it.

Please cheer me up instead of pulling me down like this. I've already called my mum and told her I was leaving for Oz. She said "well I 'd rather see you married by now and settle down, but do as you wish".

So don't tell me guys that I'm wrong.

Thanx

 

[ardour]

A bit oversensitive.

People have suggested amongst other things, that you re-establish a relationship with your parents (or mother as the case may be), not necessarily move back home. I lost my mother to cancer in January so it's depressing to read this from someone who's not willing to make the effort with family.

 

[monkeysox]

No one is trying to ruin your pulp, you are obviously so excited by the prospect you can't see the pitfalls.

We are all worried about you and the potential danger you could put yourself in if it all went wrong and especially in your words over if it failed.

It would be more encouraging to hear that you had an open return ticket and if you couldn't make a living out there and got stuck, you would go back to your folks (just to start again for a while).


Arranging such would take the pressure off you while you are there too because if you feel crap now with a roof over your head - how are you going to feel if you end up in another country and homeless.

Not saying that is going to happen, but there is no guarantee it won't happen either.

So BRILLIANT and DO It - But don't go without considering plans if it doesn't work out.