OhGodImLonely
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- Sep 28, 2012
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I've been away from my family for 5 months. I haven't seen them since I left. Where I lived I had a few friends. We met quite regularly on week-ends.
The reason I left home was because I wanted to become independent. I don't know why I made that decision but I left for another town where an old friend was. He assured me I could get an apartment in no time so I went there.
I packed my bags and left. A week before that I had a big fight with all the members of my family. So I assume I left because I felt ashamed for starting that fight. I hit my sister because she went out with a guy I didn't like. My mother and brothers got involved and the day after I felt very odd in the house. There was an unbearable silence. No one would talk to me. And I wouldn't talk to nobody either.
I had spent a whole year on the doll, not doing much. I would sleep, eat, spend my day on the computer watching movies, and the night getting drunk. I would come back home late, eat something and go to bed. I was pretty much the parasite.
I had been through a very deep depression since I was an adolescent. That depression never really left me. When young I would do a lot of sport to get my mind off the depression. But when I turned 17 or so I stopped going to the gym and to replace the gym I started doing drugs and alcohol. Now I'm 28 so it's been a good 10 years of self-abuse.
So I arrived at my friend's and started searching for both a job and an apartment. I found the apartment 2 weeks later and a job a month after that. I began a new life and for the first time in my life I thought I could make a living on my own and be responsible.
The problem started a few weeks later when my friend decided to leave the town and fly to Canada. I said ok now I'm alone but I have everything I need to keep going. So I continued working and paying the rent. Very soon I got fed up with my job and I think that's when the loneliness kicked in. I hadn't drank nor smoked for a few months. I wanted to be clean. But when the loneliness got stronger the first thing that came to mind was I could do some booze and smoke to relieve that feeling.
The weeks passed by and I increased my alcohol consumption to the point where I would drink everyday. The work didn't help because it was very boring and repetitive. Outside the job I didn't do much, and still don't. I quit the job about 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take it any longer.
That's when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. I was considering dying because I had left my family to get a better life and as a matter of fact my life was worse than when I left. I had failed. At least back there I had them and a few friends as well who I saw quite enough to say they were my friends. Here I have no one.
Now I'm stuck here. I should give back the keys by late December and go somewhere else. The thing is I can't get back to my family because I swore to myself that I would cope by myself from now on and that it would be a very big failure otherwise.
So now I'm left with a little money and not sure what I'm going to do when I give back the keys. My plan was to travel to Australia and spend a year or two to give me some time to think about what I'm going to do with my life. But when I get there I'll have like 2500$ left in my bank account and I'm scared I don't find a job quickly and start to lack money and live in the streets like a bum.
The future scares me a lot. Now I have a month to think about what I really want to do and make sure I'm able to do it.
Please if you can give me some advice that would help. Thanks very much.
The reason I left home was because I wanted to become independent. I don't know why I made that decision but I left for another town where an old friend was. He assured me I could get an apartment in no time so I went there.
I packed my bags and left. A week before that I had a big fight with all the members of my family. So I assume I left because I felt ashamed for starting that fight. I hit my sister because she went out with a guy I didn't like. My mother and brothers got involved and the day after I felt very odd in the house. There was an unbearable silence. No one would talk to me. And I wouldn't talk to nobody either.
I had spent a whole year on the doll, not doing much. I would sleep, eat, spend my day on the computer watching movies, and the night getting drunk. I would come back home late, eat something and go to bed. I was pretty much the parasite.
I had been through a very deep depression since I was an adolescent. That depression never really left me. When young I would do a lot of sport to get my mind off the depression. But when I turned 17 or so I stopped going to the gym and to replace the gym I started doing drugs and alcohol. Now I'm 28 so it's been a good 10 years of self-abuse.
So I arrived at my friend's and started searching for both a job and an apartment. I found the apartment 2 weeks later and a job a month after that. I began a new life and for the first time in my life I thought I could make a living on my own and be responsible.
The problem started a few weeks later when my friend decided to leave the town and fly to Canada. I said ok now I'm alone but I have everything I need to keep going. So I continued working and paying the rent. Very soon I got fed up with my job and I think that's when the loneliness kicked in. I hadn't drank nor smoked for a few months. I wanted to be clean. But when the loneliness got stronger the first thing that came to mind was I could do some booze and smoke to relieve that feeling.
The weeks passed by and I increased my alcohol consumption to the point where I would drink everyday. The work didn't help because it was very boring and repetitive. Outside the job I didn't do much, and still don't. I quit the job about 3 weeks ago. I couldn't take it any longer.
That's when I started to have serious suicidal thoughts. I was considering dying because I had left my family to get a better life and as a matter of fact my life was worse than when I left. I had failed. At least back there I had them and a few friends as well who I saw quite enough to say they were my friends. Here I have no one.
Now I'm stuck here. I should give back the keys by late December and go somewhere else. The thing is I can't get back to my family because I swore to myself that I would cope by myself from now on and that it would be a very big failure otherwise.
So now I'm left with a little money and not sure what I'm going to do when I give back the keys. My plan was to travel to Australia and spend a year or two to give me some time to think about what I'm going to do with my life. But when I get there I'll have like 2500$ left in my bank account and I'm scared I don't find a job quickly and start to lack money and live in the streets like a bum.
The future scares me a lot. Now I have a month to think about what I really want to do and make sure I'm able to do it.
Please if you can give me some advice that would help. Thanks very much.