I Don't Know If I Am Enough

[Poueff]

I have friends. I have family. I can feel them. I don't know if I can make them feel me.

It's just... bah,all of them are just so nice and cool to me,and I don't know how I should do the same.

Some months ago I came here and said I had basicly no close friends. I worked my ass off to improve myself,not only to become more likeable to others,but to myself too. And now I have friends. But I don't know if myself is good enough for them,and if I can really be the same to them or more that what they are to me. I'm not saying I need someone to hold my hand along the process since I don't know honeysuckle,but I feel all I do,the dumb puns and jokes,playing with them,chatting and stuff,is just not enough.

An example is that my father and my brother play piano and drums,and I play guitar,but they play most of the time,and sometimes I just want to either play by myself and train,or just do other stuff,and I feel guilty for not being with them. This is not something that they induce in any way,I just feel I should be better...

Any thoughts? =/

 

[Sci-Fi]

Start acting more your age?

Seriously, you are young but when you post its as if you are ten years older. Stop over thinking things. At your age you should just be hanging out and having fun. You shouldn't be worrying about all these things yet. I hate to see young people grow up too fast. All this shouldn't be on your mind right now, just go with the flow. Enjoy your time with your friends, and if you feel you should spend more time playing with your dad and brother then do it. Obviously if you feel guilty about not spending more time with them yourself is trying to tell you something. DO IT! If all of your friends are so nice and cool to you, why are you worrying if you can do the same? You must already be doing it or else they wouldn't be so nice and cool to you. All the dumb puns, jokes, etc that you are doing is exactly what kids your age should be doing.

Enjoy your youth and dumb puns while you can, before you know it, poof, it's all gone.

 

[Poueff]

Look,no disrespect,but would you go back a step in human evolution?

You get more strength,you can climb trees,and you have a neat tail.

But your brains is as big as your eyeball.

Well,I wouldn't go back either.

 

[Bud_Weis_Er]

That's pretty funny man, I'm also a guitarist (for about 6 years now). My stepfather and his son also are musicians(they play guitar and banjo). When they play together I'll be in the next room doing my own thing and playing by myself, which they don't even know I'm doing. I have no problem saying that I can play better than both of them lol, no doubt about it. But, for some reason, I also feel like I'm not good enough to join them. I'm sure that the problem is of course not because my guitar skills are inferior to theirs (quite the opposite).

Funny thing is, whenever I try to play with these people, I clam up and look like a retard that don't know what I'm doing, although if I was alone I could do anything that they play like 10x faster and it would just amaze them if they heard that. Nah, my problem is much deeper than just pure skill, but what it is I can't really pinpoint. If I had to guess, I would say extremely low self-esteem (in my case anyway), dunno bout you. I wish I could find out how to fix it though, it sucks. I'm missing out on so much.

 

[VanillaCreme]

A lot of younger kids don't feel like they're enough.

 

[Bud_Weis_Er]

I'm 24, surely you don't consider that young?

I know you're not talking to me now -_- nvm lol

 

[Poueff]

That's pretty funny man, I'm also a guitarist (for about 6 years now). My stepfather and his son also are musicians(they play guitar and banjo). When they play together I'll be in the next room doing my own thing and playing by myself, which they don't even know I'm doing. I have no problem saying that I can play better than both of them lol, no doubt about it. But, for some reason, I also feel like I'm not good enough to join them. I'm sure that the problem is of course not because my guitar skills are inferior to theirs (quite the opposite).

Funny thing is, whenever I try to play with these people, I clam up and look like a retard that don't know what I'm doing, although if I was alone I could do anything that they play like 10x faster and it would just amaze them if they heard that. Nah, my problem is much deeper than just pure skill, but what it is I can't really pinpoint. If I had to guess, I would say extremely low self-esteem (in my case anyway), dunno bout you. I wish I could find out how to fix it though, it sucks. I'm missing out on so much.

Same with me. Actually,I'm the only one playing to improve myself,besides playing for fun,being that that is what both of them do. I love playing guitar,obviously,if I didn't I wouldn't be playing for the last 3 years,but I just want to write RPs for my e-feds sometimes or play in a forum RPG I'm in... But they like to play with each other for fun. My dad learned to play piano (organ really) when he was a kid and only learned the chords/harping,and nothing more,since he got bored of it,and my brother is 8. So,yeah... (I'm currently playing Satriani's Tears in the Rain,but with my family the max I can play is Coldplay's Scientist)

I just feel like I'm letting him down,and letting myself down to for not playing with them every chance I get,but sometimes I just don't have the drive to do so...

A lot of younger kids don't feel like they're enough.

Well,I'll give you an example of what I mean.
An online friend of mine,which I met at an e-fed,I don't know his real name (since his msn nickname is a sentence) but his "kayfabe" name is Dren,and he is basicly one of the coolest guys I've ever met. Once,I really really messed up on the e-fed,and when everybody got mad at me,he really said it was ok and that the subject didn't matter. (all of that when he was my opponent on that match)

My internet keeps failing and generally ruins our convos,and sometimes it looks like I just abandon the conversation,but he always says something like "welcome back" or "bah,tough luck". Same when I screw up on my english (second language) and he just laughs at it. Really one of the nicest guys I've met,and I don't know if I deserve to be friends with him.

But that's just one example,and an online on. I won't go and bore you people with more,but I could spent two hours talking about stuff like this with RL friends,who are even more comprehensive and can lighten up everything. It's just mindblowing,and I don't know if I fit like I should,if I contribute to it enough,with convo drying puns and idiotic one-liners...

Bah,I really need a decent sense of humor

 

[Bud_Weis_Er]

yo, what the hell is an e-feds lol

 

[Poueff]

yo, what the hell is an e-feds lol

E-Fed is a fictional wrestling federation,generally organized in a forum of some kind. The basics are: both competitors write a text about their own character,expanding their character as much as they can. The quality will reflect in the match writing,and the best text will win.

 

[Happy_Aspie]

Maybe you have aspergers. I do and a lot of people with aspergers just don't join into stuff like that..very practical..linear thinking...they like doing things alone. Sometimes they are seen as being too mature for their age. I can understand your wanting to play a guitar to be really good at it..and less likely for the fun aspect. Its not that you can't appreciate their company..its just that you can't give them something you just dont have...Is it that you feel guilty because you can't strongly 'feel' the same way they do about things? I used to feel like that but when I found out I had aspergers I just accepted myself because I understood myself better. You can't beat up on yourself for being you. You are fortunate to have family who love you unconditionally..

 

[Billy Spleen]

Maybe people around you think that you're better than them while you're feeling sad because of it. You know, sometimes people tend to exaggerate everything. Let things flow. Feel good about yourself and they will feel good about you. It's that simple.

 

[Poueff]

Well,probably I just got so used to being sorrounded by dicks and being thrown around like a paper bag by so many people for a year (since March 09 till the last day of February 2010... why do I remember this so well?) and then being thrown to the sidelines by everyone that I forgot how people being friendly to me felt. I made a change in the beggining of this school period where I basicly injected a huge dose of confidence into myself and started saying whatever the flying fresia I wanted to say (not as a dick,I have manners ) and that had improvements... kinda weird,considering the frozen state I was in for so long.

Maybe you have aspergers. I do and a lot of people with aspergers just don't join into stuff like that..very practical..linear thinking...they like doing things alone. Sometimes they are seen as being too mature for their age. I can understand your wanting to play a guitar to be really good at it..and less likely for the fun aspect. Its not that you can't appreciate their company..its just that you can't give them something you just dont have...Is it that you feel guilty because you can't strongly 'feel' the same way they do about things? I used to feel like that but when I found out I had aspergers I just accepted myself because I understood myself better. You can't beat up on yourself for being you. You are fortunate to have family who love you unconditionally..

I don't have aspergers. I am in all truth fairly social,and this is more a question of guilt about not giving back than anything else.
Being loved unconditionally isn't something I like,since the meaning of the word is they have to love me either way,or they are seen by society as bad parents and degenerates.

I appreciate the help though.

 

[VanillaCreme]

They don't love you unconditionally because of society. They do that from the heart. I honestly don't know what to tell you, because ever since you came to this site, you seem to think you know it all. And you have an answer for everything someone says. Not everything requires your response. Learn to listen some time. Despite what you think, you don't know everything, especially at your age. You act extremely mature for your age, and I think that's going to hold you back in the long run.

 

[IgnoredOne]

You sound like you have doubts in your present level of competence. That will only come with time and practice; its not a bad thing to realize that you might have limits, so that you can work to improve on them. Take it as a positive sign that you have so much to grow and improve in, and by being associated with people with superior skill or knowledge, your rate of learning is much better than others of your age without such suitable mentors.

I don't see how it is ever wrong to act mature for your age. I've always been that way, and while it has kept me away from some moronic social activities, I am better for it.

 

[Poueff]

They don't love you unconditionally because of society. They do that from the heart. I honestly don't know what to tell you, because ever since you came to this site, you seem to think you know it all. And you have an answer for everything someone says. Not everything requires your response. Learn to listen some time. Despite what you think, you don't know everything, especially at your age. You act extremely mature for your age, and I think that's going to hold you back in the long run.

If the matter relates to me,I'll anwser it. This thread is about one of my problems,thus I'll anwser other user's opinion's with my own. I don't claim I know it all,I just give my opinion,be it right or wrong.
If I don't have faith and confidence in my own words,then who will?

And that's not what I meant.

I could sit here and just write the basis to what I said (at least,my point of view about it) and talk about Biology and society and such,but that wasn't the point of that post. The point was that I don't like inconditional love not because it's worse,fake or weaker (which it isn't
) but because it implies that they have to love me either way,and I prefer to earn someone's love other than just live off of it cause they have to love me either way. That's all.

 

[VanillaCreme]

They don't "have" to love you. They just do. I honestly don't think you know what unconditional love is. It's not a contract signed when YOU feel it's there... Whether it be parents or friends, that love is just there. You don't earn it, and it's not some sort of reward program.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I wouldn't worry about it if I was you - if it is really unconditional, then it is the way it is. To an extent, I can admire the way you think - everything should be earned. But the world is the way it is, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse; the best you can do is to continue to improve yourself until you feel that you are worthy of whatever you receive.