I used to suffer from depression many a year ago. I felt alone, shy and unapproachable. I'd try my best to fit in when I was out, but it seemed useless. This stemmed from about the ages of 14 to 20 where I'd literally just lock myself away and immerse myself in video games, as an immersive false reality was far more appealing that the actual reality that I had to endure during school/work.
When I turned 20 and I still didn't have a girlfriend or any real close friends, I decided to just give up even trying. I wasn't going to stress out over whether or not people liked/approved of me. I was going to just do whatever I wanted, when I wanted and not care about being observed as a social pariah. I wasn't going to pretend to be who I wasn't anymore and I actually started enjoying my life for the first time in 7 years.
Then all of a sudden, the unthinkable happened: A girl asked me out, I assume because she was interested in the "me" who was carefree and liberated from the false identity that I used to enforce. We dated for 3 years, got engaged and... she cheated on me and left me for another man.
But to my surprise, I wasn't upset... I wasn't feeling anything at all. I mean I was happy while I was with her, I woke up most mornings with a smile on my face. But when it was over, I wasn't even remotely upset, which seemed very odd.
I then confided in the arms of some female friends I had made along the years of dating. It was their suggestion that we should meet up and talk, presumably because they thought I'd be upset about the matter. In the long run, I ended up dating each of these 3 girls one after the other, which ultimately ruined the friendship I had built with each of them. Leaving me on my own again, having to work from the beginning.
The only thing I have been able to find that hints at how I now experience the world is Ataraxia- The freedom from worry and stress. A sense of heightened tranquillity, where I am able to feel positive emotion without the negative. You might feel as though this were a gift, but stress and worry is what forces us to better ourselves. Because I don't feel them, I don't try to advance my career, I don't try to do anything because simply, I just don't care. I'm now single and have been for the last 3 years, but missing human contact again. But being in a minimum wage job with no future prospects isn't exactly a catch, especially for someone in their late 20's.
I'm not quite sure why I can't attract anyone anymore as my personality, weight, looks have all remained the same. If anything has actually changed it's that I have absolutely no problem talking to women anymore. I work in a department that literally only has 2 male colleagues, and about 40 female colleagues. I have no trouble talking, joking, etc with any of them. But that is all they are, colleagues; not friends, and I can't help but feel lonely even though I appear to be surrounded by people.
When I turned 20 and I still didn't have a girlfriend or any real close friends, I decided to just give up even trying. I wasn't going to stress out over whether or not people liked/approved of me. I was going to just do whatever I wanted, when I wanted and not care about being observed as a social pariah. I wasn't going to pretend to be who I wasn't anymore and I actually started enjoying my life for the first time in 7 years.
Then all of a sudden, the unthinkable happened: A girl asked me out, I assume because she was interested in the "me" who was carefree and liberated from the false identity that I used to enforce. We dated for 3 years, got engaged and... she cheated on me and left me for another man.
But to my surprise, I wasn't upset... I wasn't feeling anything at all. I mean I was happy while I was with her, I woke up most mornings with a smile on my face. But when it was over, I wasn't even remotely upset, which seemed very odd.
I then confided in the arms of some female friends I had made along the years of dating. It was their suggestion that we should meet up and talk, presumably because they thought I'd be upset about the matter. In the long run, I ended up dating each of these 3 girls one after the other, which ultimately ruined the friendship I had built with each of them. Leaving me on my own again, having to work from the beginning.
The only thing I have been able to find that hints at how I now experience the world is Ataraxia- The freedom from worry and stress. A sense of heightened tranquillity, where I am able to feel positive emotion without the negative. You might feel as though this were a gift, but stress and worry is what forces us to better ourselves. Because I don't feel them, I don't try to advance my career, I don't try to do anything because simply, I just don't care. I'm now single and have been for the last 3 years, but missing human contact again. But being in a minimum wage job with no future prospects isn't exactly a catch, especially for someone in their late 20's.
I'm not quite sure why I can't attract anyone anymore as my personality, weight, looks have all remained the same. If anything has actually changed it's that I have absolutely no problem talking to women anymore. I work in a department that literally only has 2 male colleagues, and about 40 female colleagues. I have no trouble talking, joking, etc with any of them. But that is all they are, colleagues; not friends, and I can't help but feel lonely even though I appear to be surrounded by people.