I have started dating and...

[Sam_Wright_1988]

Hi everyone!

I have a question concerning dating because I don't get it.

First of all, I haven't been in a relationship for five years. Nor did I make love, did I kiss a girl, whatever. By now, I am twenty-five!

Second of all, and this took me years to figure out: I am a nice guy! I am genuinely kind and I also happen to look good. Everyone kept saying I was nice and I finally figured, I am. And life isn't so bad after all: I study at a university and I'll go to the art academy next year as well. I sort of do what I want to do. Oh, on my last date I got told I was an intriguing person. And apparently I look and smell great but maybe she was just flirting with me .

Third of all, I don't have a lot going for me in my opinion. My life is a bit dull because I have been extremely anxious the last few years. I worried a lot and I was my own worst enemy. Lonely, confused and embarrassed. For no good reason it seems. I have few friends and I tend to read, a lot. Occasionally I play a video game. I draw and write as well. I enjoy being on myself but I sometimes go out. I actually have a favourite bar.

But I still feel too little is happening in my life. I now also understand that I can change that.

I have started dating, the first thing I wanted to change . It's not that I am scared any more but I tend to hold back. Like I said, I don't believe I have a lot to offer. I am also a little confused as to how to go about it: when to kiss? How can I tell whether she is flirting with me? Friends I go out- which is rarely, mind you -tell me 'she likes me' but then I don't know what to do because I do everything I can, in my opinion. But I am the guy so I am sure I am supposed to show initiative.

When I flirt, I believe it's obvious. I have no trouble touching, making funny/ witty remarks but the sad thing is, I never move past that stage! I keep doing this until... nothing ever happens.

Yesterday I had a wonderful date but again, I don't get it. She was beautiful, we have been 'trying' to flirt for a while and I asked her out. That went reasonably well. Then things got awkward fast, but we did have a very intimate conversation that went on... forever and ever. I felt comfortable in her company, I hope she felt comfortable as well. Why do I have to make things so awkward? It's true that I don't let people in. I am fine with that though. Not everyone is a fast and smooth talker.

I had a hard time complementing her despite my thoughts. I guess that might have something to do with it. I really try but isn't there supposed to be some chemistry? Well there was but...

I don't get it. Can anyone give me some practical advice? I have thought this through and thinking is not the answer, obviously. Maybe I am just not open to a relationship but that means I'll be lonely for the rest of my life, probably. And I don't want to go down that road either.

Sam

 

[hye345]

Hi everyone!

I have a question concerning dating because I don't get it.

First of all, I haven't been in a relationship for five years. Nor did I make love, did I kiss a girl, whatever. By now, I am twenty-five!

Second of all, and this took me years to figure out: I am a nice guy! I am genuinely kind and I also happen to look good. Everyone kept saying I was nice and I finally figured, I am. And life isn't so bad after all: I study at a university and I'll go to the art academy next year as well. I sort of do what I want to do. Oh, on my last date I got told I was an intriguing person. And apparently I look and smell great but maybe she was just flirting with me .

Third of all, I don't have a lot going for me in my opinion. My life is a bit dull because I have been extremely anxious the last few years. I worried a lot and I was my own worst enemy. Lonely, confused and embarrassed. For no good reason it seems. I have few friends and I tend to read, a lot. Occasionally I play a video game. I draw and write as well. I enjoy being on myself but I sometimes go out. I actually have a favourite bar.

But I still feel too little is happening in my life. I now also understand that I can change that.

I have started dating, the first thing I wanted to change . It's not that I am scared any more but I tend to hold back. Like I said, I don't believe I have a lot to offer. I am also a little confused as to how to go about it: when to kiss? How can I tell whether she is flirting with me? Friends I go out- which is rarely, mind you -tell me 'she likes me' but then I don't know what to do because I do everything I can, in my opinion. But I am the guy so I am sure I am supposed to show initiative.

When I flirt, I believe it's obvious. I have no trouble touching, making funny/ witty remarks but the sad thing is, I never move past that stage! I keep doing this until... nothing ever happens.

Yesterday I had a wonderful date but again, I don't get it. She was beautiful, we have been 'trying' to flirt for a while and I asked her out. That went reasonably well. Then things got awkward fast, but we did have a very intimate conversation that went on... forever and ever. I felt comfortable in her company, I hope she felt comfortable as well. Why do I have to make things so awkward? It's true that I don't let people in. I am fine with that though. Not everyone is a fast and smooth talker.

I had a hard time complementing her despite my thoughts. I guess that might have something to do with it. I really try but isn't there supposed to be some chemistry? Well there was but...

I don't get it. Can anyone give me some practical advice? I have thought this through and thinking is not the answer, obviously. Maybe I am just not open to a relationship but that means I'll be lonely for the rest of my life, probably. And I don't want to go down that road either.

Sam

Sounds like you aren't in too bad a spot, if you are getting dates. From what you described, it looks like there was chemistry between you two. Sounds to me like you are just nervous about the leap from flirting to kissing/etc: You say that you don't think you have a lot to offer; couple this from what seems to be a lack of (recent) real-world experience/success, and it makes sense that you probably aren't the most confident in this arena.

If you are close with this girl, and you feel that she likes you too, then the best you can do is make a reasonable guess as to whether or not she is 'ready' to be kissed: Has the date been going well as of yet? On the date, has she made 'excuses' to touch your arm/shoulder? Do you have your arm around her? Is she keeping eye contact? And of course, is she smiling

Even after all these cues, it can still be a scary jump, because what if she rejects you? I myself have been rejected once by a girl (the dreaded turning of the head) who was displaying most of the above cues. Turns out, it wasn't as bad as I'd imagine a rejection would be: I just played it off and kissed her cheek

Point is, you will get rejected sometimes; at best, it will give you valuable insight; at worst, it will 'inoculate' you against future possible rejection.

 

[Sam_Wright_1988]

Hi everyone!

I have a question concerning dating because I don't get it.

First of all, I haven't been in a relationship for five years. Nor did I make love, did I kiss a girl, whatever. By now, I am twenty-five!

Second of all, and this took me years to figure out: I am a nice guy! I am genuinely kind and I also happen to look good. Everyone kept saying I was nice and I finally figured, I am. And life isn't so bad after all: I study at a university and I'll go to the art academy next year as well. I sort of do what I want to do. Oh, on my last date I got told I was an intriguing person. And apparently I look and smell great but maybe she was just flirting with me .

Third of all, I don't have a lot going for me in my opinion. My life is a bit dull because I have been extremely anxious the last few years. I worried a lot and I was my own worst enemy. Lonely, confused and embarrassed. For no good reason it seems. I have few friends and I tend to read, a lot. Occasionally I play a video game. I draw and write as well. I enjoy being on myself but I sometimes go out. I actually have a favourite bar.

But I still feel too little is happening in my life. I now also understand that I can change that.

I have started dating, the first thing I wanted to change . It's not that I am scared any more but I tend to hold back. Like I said, I don't believe I have a lot to offer. I am also a little confused as to how to go about it: when to kiss? How can I tell whether she is flirting with me? Friends I go out- which is rarely, mind you -tell me 'she likes me' but then I don't know what to do because I do everything I can, in my opinion. But I am the guy so I am sure I am supposed to show initiative.

When I flirt, I believe it's obvious. I have no trouble touching, making funny/ witty remarks but the sad thing is, I never move past that stage! I keep doing this until... nothing ever happens.

Yesterday I had a wonderful date but again, I don't get it. She was beautiful, we have been 'trying' to flirt for a while and I asked her out. That went reasonably well. Then things got awkward fast, but we did have a very intimate conversation that went on... forever and ever. I felt comfortable in her company, I hope she felt comfortable as well. Why do I have to make things so awkward? It's true that I don't let people in. I am fine with that though. Not everyone is a fast and smooth talker.

I had a hard time complementing her despite my thoughts. I guess that might have something to do with it. I really try but isn't there supposed to be some chemistry? Well there was but...

I don't get it. Can anyone give me some practical advice? I have thought this through and thinking is not the answer, obviously. Maybe I am just not open to a relationship but that means I'll be lonely for the rest of my life, probably. And I don't want to go down that road either.

Sam

Sounds like you aren't in too bad a spot, if you are getting dates. From what you described, it looks like there was chemistry between you two. Sounds to me like you are just nervous about the leap from flirting to kissing/etc: You say that you don't think you have a lot to offer; couple this from what seems to be a lack of (recent) real-world experience/success, and it makes sense that you probably aren't the most confident in this arena.

If you are close with this girl, and you feel that she likes you too, then the best you can do is make a reasonable guess as to whether or not she is 'ready' to be kissed: Has the date been going well as of yet? On the date, has she made 'excuses' to touch your arm/shoulder? Do you have your arm around her? Is she keeping eye contact? And of course, is she smiling

Even after all these cues, it can still be a scary jump, because what if she rejects you? I myself have been rejected once by a girl (the dreaded turning of the head) who was displaying most of the above cues. Turns out, it wasn't as bad as I'd imagine a rejection would be: I just played it off and kissed her cheek

Point is, you will get rejected sometimes; at best, it will give you valuable insight; at worst, it will 'inoculate' you against future possible rejection.

Thanks for the reply. Turns out, the date was way too confusing (I don't know what to do with myself and our past dates got in the way). She thought it might be a date, because my signals were really, really vague and I thought it was. I haven't been clear to her and the reason I was nervous, is because of what she seems to expect of me. I feel like I cannot live up to her expectations because my life is a bit boring, nor do I plan to fall deeply in love. If it happens, it happens, if not, not. You can't force love.

I like her and she likes me. That much is obvious, she couldn't have been any clearer: long eye contact, she asked very personal questions and she alludes to the fact that she likes me, once asking me whether I like her back (because of mixed messages!). Perhaps this is a bit weird but she also said I'd probably be very sweet in bed, and I am 100% sure she is not toying with me, it's more like I am toying with her because I am pretty insecure, she has been giving me loads of opportunities to do something, making it very easy to at least figure out what she means. So, nothing to lose right? I just don't know what to do, never had my arm around her though we're pretty touchy.

She isn't convinced I really like her, nor am I. That is bothering me as well, sometimes there is chemistry but she holds back as well because I am being vague. That makes it confusing. I just wanted to test the waters first. I told her I like her and whether we could go on a second date and that was her reply, she thinks it's great but wants to date someone who really wants her. It's true: she has been very open about her intentions and I just can't get across what I feel for her, I am used to 'hiding' my feelings and it's a little weird. I need to work on that. I like her but I am not sure whether I can give her that, though again, I don't date random people so for me this was a pretty big deal. I haven't dated for years.

I also don't realise how lucky I truly am and I can't make heads or tails of what happened: this is a beautiful, vibrant girl and I am being distant. She is one of the few people I feel comfortable around.

But again, maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. I get that feeling now but it has been so long and I think I only believe that because I still don't get it.

Sam