I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this. I like my online contacts/friends and long distance friends but every time I make a friend IRL I find myself wishing that I had never courted the real life friendship to begin with. Real life friends are so time/energy consuming and I really like being alone and free to do as I please when I go out. 80% of the time I'm cool with not having friends but 20% of the time I wish I had a few. I don't know what to do because obviously friends don't hang around if you only feel like talking to them 20% of the time. I'm a very solitary person by nature but I still get lonely once in a while.
I want friends...but I don't.
- Thread starter roguewave
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FreedomFromLiberty
Well-known member
roguewave said:
I feel the same way. Having a social life is so much work that sometimes I don't care to have one at all. So many of my hobbies are things that I can and prefer to do alone. Reading, writing, painting, etc. Hell, I even like going to the movies by myself. I suppose I wouldn't mind hanging out with people so much if I could find people who actually shared my interests, taste in movies, etc. Too often, I feel like spending time with others means one of two things:
1) I will force them to do something I like to do, but that they don't like (makes me feel like an *******)
2) They will force me to do something with them that they like to do, but that I don't like (makes me feel taken advantage of and my time wasted)
And that's pretty much it. Very rarely do I find people who share my interests AND want to spend time with me doing said shared interest. The last time I invited somebody out for a night, was to go see Bill Maher do standup. I felt okay asking him because I knew that he liked Bill Maher as much as I do, but I would have still gone by myself he had said he didn't want to go.
People: I could take them or leave them. Doesn't matter much to me anymore.
JamaisVu
Well-known member
Yeah, same here. I try to find fellow introverts, the quiet types who'll be respectful of my preference for alone time. I don't like to interact daily for hours with anyone really, my social requirements are minimal.
"1) I will force them to do something I like to do, but that they don't like (makes me feel like an *******)
2) They will force me to do something with them that they like to do, but that I don't like (makes me feel taken advantage of and my time wasted)"
Yes, this.
I'm glad to know that there are at least two other people who feel this way.
2) They will force me to do something with them that they like to do, but that I don't like (makes me feel taken advantage of and my time wasted)"
Yes, this.
I'm glad to know that there are at least two other people who feel this way.
Yeah I feel similar to this.. it's really nice to hang out with people with similiar interests but only every once in awhile. When it comes to online friendships, I really enjoy them and can talk most days online. It's less demanding I guess.
TrailerTrish
Well-known member
Well Rogue, I can relate to that. I'm so used to being alone I wouldn't really know what to do with someone who wanted to spend time with me going out and doing things, and with the new job I just don't have the time or the energy anyway.
I think it depends on how deeply you connect with the other person. If it really sparks, and you have serious interests in common, together with common values a friendship can really take off, but that's a rarity. More often we just run into others wanting another to drag along with them so they don't feel alone, and have someone to talk to while pursuing *their* interests.
And then there are the users. You never know when one of these reptiles will insinuate themselves into your life with their hidden agenda running, looking to use you for whatever and have done with you. I've run into some real doozies over the last couple decades, and have learned to spot them early on after some very expensive lessons. These people are the reason I sometimes don't think much of my own species.
When it comes to the vast majority of people I'd rather have a good dog.
I think it depends on how deeply you connect with the other person. If it really sparks, and you have serious interests in common, together with common values a friendship can really take off, but that's a rarity. More often we just run into others wanting another to drag along with them so they don't feel alone, and have someone to talk to while pursuing *their* interests.
And then there are the users. You never know when one of these reptiles will insinuate themselves into your life with their hidden agenda running, looking to use you for whatever and have done with you. I've run into some real doozies over the last couple decades, and have learned to spot them early on after some very expensive lessons. These people are the reason I sometimes don't think much of my own species.
When it comes to the vast majority of people I'd rather have a good dog.
TrailerTrish said:
That sounds right on target. Probably part of my problem with not being sure I want RL friends is that to me, a friendship is a deep connection and a commitment. My idea of friendship is probably more intimate that most would describe their friendships as being.
Yeah, another good point there are some people don't take friendships as seriously as the next person. There's friends, and then there's acquaintances. When two people view it differently..I think that's when stuff goes downhill.
FreedomFromLiberty
Well-known member
Okiedokes said:
I definitely make a distinction between friends and acquaintances. This is how I can get away with saying, and believing, that I have no friends most of the time.
I know a lot of people. I have spent time just hanging out and having fun with some of them too. But that doesn't make me comfortable calling all of them my "friends". Doing so feels too disingenuous. A friend is somebody who I can actually trust to care my well-being and my troubles. I just don't feel close enough to most people to actually trust them though. I don't trust that they would have my best interests in mind or really care how I feel about things. And I really want to emphasize that: If I don't think they care about my feelings, then I don't trust that person. I also don't really trust people who don't seem to be aware of their own feelings, or don't appear to have feelings. If they don't care about their own, they sure can't be trusted with mine. I think people who are always positive and happy are ignoring their own feelings because nobody can be positive and happy all the time (I don't trust people who are always positive).
Maybe how I approach friendship stems from my general lack of trust people. Maybe if I WERE more trusting, I would think of myself as having friends. I think my general lack of trust in people has come from the utter absence of emotional support and love when I was growing up.
FreedomFromLiberty said:Okiedokes said:
I definitely make a distinction between friends and acquaintances. This is how I can get away with saying, and believing, that I have no friends most of the time.
I know a lot of people. I have spent time just hanging out and having fun with some of them too. But that doesn't make me comfortable calling all of them my "friends". Doing so feels too disingenuous. A friend is somebody who I can actually trust to care my well-being and my troubles. I just don't feel close enough to most people to actually trust them though. I don't trust that they would have my best interests in mind or really care how I feel about things. And I really want to emphasize that: If I don't think they care about my feelings, then I don't trust that person. I also don't really trust people who don't seem to be aware of their own feelings, or don't appear to have feelings. If they don't care about their own, they sure can't be trusted with mine. I think people who are always positive and happy are ignoring their own feelings because nobody can be positive and happy all the time (I don't trust people who are always positive).
Maybe how I approach friendship stems from my general lack of trust people. Maybe if I WERE more trusting, I would think of myself as having friends. I think my general lack of trust in people has come from the utter absence of emotional support and love when I was growing up.
I know what you mean about trusting people with your emotions. It takes time and it is earned for sure. Not everyone who seems friendly, and hangs out with you is an actual friend but can be a friend with time and willingness. I had to learn that a not so easy way but hey I'm glad I know now.
roguewave:
I understand the feeling of wanting friends but not wanting them too.
There's the desire to have people to do things with but then when they want to do things you feel like you want to be alone.
I view anyone who will speak to me as a friend. Everyone that speaks to me views me as an acquaintance. It's never a good mix.
I understand the feeling of wanting friends but not wanting them too.
There's the desire to have people to do things with but then when they want to do things you feel like you want to be alone.
I view anyone who will speak to me as a friend. Everyone that speaks to me views me as an acquaintance. It's never a good mix.
Pheenix
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Speaking from personal experience: Your subconscious can concoct a deadly cocktail of feelings and associate it with "friends" in your head. If you have sufficient problems, such as self-esteem issues, trust issues, depression, general lack of motivation, your subconscious can make friendship seem unappealing in light of these feelings, without really "telling you."
TrailerTrish
Well-known member
roguewave said:
Or emotions at all. I've been running into people who seem to ape emotions in order to fit in, and take advantage of we who actually have feelings. They aren't concerned with our feelings beyond how to manipulate them to their advantage.
I have very serious trust issues after encountering a LOT of these people over the last ten years. Anyone who claims to be my friend before proving it is instantly suspect.
Most recently a woman at work did her best to act like my friend, and then during the work day engaged in some very offensive domineering and aggressively manipulative behavior that totally repelled me, so I froze her out and tried to keep my distance, but she just kept after me trying to fake friendliness, and following me around, working next to me all she can, and trying to get close enough to run her honeysuckle on me again.
So after a decade of these types I really do prefer loneliness and solitude to their treachery, and I long to have another good dog, as dogs are on average much better people than humans.
blackdot said:
Really? Let me get this straight. When you speak to someone you don't expect to see again or learn anything more about other than their physical attributes you were exposed to in an exchange of auto hellos, you feel you've made a friend?
I THINK maybe you're referring to people that you may run into frequently, but the extent of your relationship is an exchange of auto hellos and goodbyes. Even still, don't you think that if no effort is made to make more of the relationship that both sides couldn't care less if they ever see each other again and that this very idea prohibits classifying the relationship as a friendship?
S
SophiaGrace
Guest
TrailerTrish said:
I don't know if this will offend you or not but you kind of come off as hating everyone.
TrailerTrish
Well-known member
SophiaGrace said:
Well I certainly don't, I've just been through a lot of bad stuff over the last decade, and run into a lot of bad people who did me a lot of evil. I'm quite aware not everyone is like them, and there are people around me I care very much for.
If I were to post the long story of what I've been through since 2001 I think you would understand, though you might find it hard to believe that much bad stuff could happen to anyone.
roguewave said:
I can totally relate. You have just described me. I always felt as though I was programmed not to need the companionship of others. Yet once in a while this lonely feeling will creep in. I do find the 20% idea very appealing. But I think the other 80% would be exhausting. Maybe you should post a search for a 20% friend. It may be the perfect solution.
F
fox
Guest
Oh, yes...
Some times i want friends, but then when time is spent around people, the desire comes to be in isolation completely.
People are very difficult to deal with, often more trouble and drama than any time that is pleasant.
I think it might be i am too picky. A friend I would seek, is wise and kind, and has patience to teach me things. But most such people would not bother with me. People who would bother with me, either have their own motive, or they are too pushy and frighten me.
But the lonely feeling is still there, and I become sad to see people who are happy, with good friends.
Some times i want friends, but then when time is spent around people, the desire comes to be in isolation completely.
People are very difficult to deal with, often more trouble and drama than any time that is pleasant.
I think it might be i am too picky. A friend I would seek, is wise and kind, and has patience to teach me things. But most such people would not bother with me. People who would bother with me, either have their own motive, or they are too pushy and frighten me.
But the lonely feeling is still there, and I become sad to see people who are happy, with good friends.
