I was used as a tool.

[TheRealCallie]

I have had many guy friends (JUST friends) work on cars for me. It's called helping a friend in need, but maybe my friends aren't quite the same as yours....

 

[kamya]

I have had many guy friends (JUST friends) work on cars for me. It's called helping a friend in need, but maybe my friends aren't quite the same as yours....

These friends probably know exactly where the two of you stand and they probably know whether you are single or not.

I have many friends that I would help out this way without other motives. But someone that I don't really know that well and have only had dinner with a few times after work? Nah. Not unless I'm interested in them or they were going to at least help with most of the work. Better things to do.

 

[SofiasMami]

-The OP seems like a generous person for spending all day and going out of his way to fix this lady's car. Even if he was hoping for this lady's time in return - that seems like a heck of a lot of work to do for anyone.
-No doubt here that the lady used her feminine ways to get some help. Anyone who thinks otherwise is being foolish.
-The lady's boyfriend sounds useless. Why wasn't HE helping her with her car problems by fixing them or helping her pay or at least hooking her up with someone who could help her instead of leaving her to drive with an unsafe car? Bad boyfriend.

-Teresa

 

[HoodedMonk]

Why wasn't HE helping her with her car problems by fixing them or helping her pay or at least hooking her up with someone who could help her instead of leaving her to drive with an unsafe car? Bad boyfriend.
[/b][/i]
-Teresa

Good point.

I wouldn't want my loved one driving in an unsafe car. :/ I would absolutely refuse to allow it.

Maybe she was keeping it a secret from him? We don't really know…

You also have to wonder if the boyfriend knew about the lunch "dates" that were going on or whether she was keeping that a secret too.

We'll probably never know.

---

-The OP seems like a generous person for spending all day and going out of his way to fix this lady's car. Even if he was hoping for this lady's time in return - that seems like a heck of a lot of work to do for anyone.

-Teresa

Yeah it is a lot of work, which is why I praised his generosity.

I hope he at least takes something positive out of this and feels good for helping another person, rather than letting it damage his self esteem. Her motives were on her, not him. Good deeds are still good, despite the actions of others.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I hate to be THAT person, but it kind of sounds like you were both trying to use each other. She just succeeded a little more than you did.

And I would like to say to the above comments questioning the bf, how do we even know they have that kind of relationship? For all anyone knows, it could have just been a friend she dragged along to the dinner to prevent an awkward scenario. Or they may have just started dating. Or perhaps they aren't in that kind of commitment. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is useless.

 

[mintymint]

-The OP seems like a generous person for spending all day and going out of his way to fix this lady's car. Even if he was hoping for this lady's time in return - that seems like a heck of a lot of work to do for anyone.
-No doubt here that the lady used her feminine ways to get some help. Anyone who thinks otherwise is being foolish.

Generous? I'm not sure. Hard working? Yes. In service of his own goal. He was the one who proposed the terms. Honestly, he should have just asked her out at some earlier point. If you're more direct it will help to avoid situations like this. And you probably shouldn't barter for a date like people have said.

-The lady's boyfriend sounds useless. Why wasn't HE helping her with her car problems by fixing them or helping her pay or at least hooking her up with someone who could help her instead of leaving her to drive with an unsafe car? Bad boyfriend.

I'm not sure why this guy is being dragged into things. I've never been the resident mechanic for any of my partners. If they told me their car was making funny sounds, I'd just say take it into the shop. In lieu of them doing that, I wouldn't have any way of knowing what was wrong with it to begin with. She may not have even mentioned the issue to him. Or he could have already told her to take it in. Not to mention it's her car, and her boyfriend isn't her parent. She's an adult who should take care of herself. Calling him a bad anything is just highly speculative.

I hate to be THAT person, but it kind of sounds like you were both trying to use each other. She just succeeded a little more than you did.

And I would like to say to the above comments questioning the bf, how do we even know they have that kind of relationship? For all anyone knows, it could have just been a friend she dragged along to the date to prevent an awkward scenario. Or they may have just started dating. Or perhaps they aren't in that kind of commitment. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is useless.

Yeah, I don't think there's much sense in going there either.

 

[Batman55]

I have been in similar situations. I respect the opinion of everyone here, however, I do think she knew what she was doing. If a guy asks me out for dinner in exchange of a favour it is VERY obvious that he is interested in me. She would have to be very naive or very stupid to think it was only a friendly dinner. I am sorry if this hurts you, however I must say that you are right and I completely understand the way you feel. I don't know for sure if she did actually flirt with you. However, accepting dinner in return of your favour and then taking her boyfriend was a terrible thing to do. In a way I feel bad for the boyfriend, I wonder if he knows the kind of woman he has with him. These type of situations help you "open your eyes" and see that she wasn't that special, hence you won't have to waste more time with that b*tch. Learn from this. I suggest never again ask a girl on a date in exchange of something. Some women out there are very cruel and will take advantage of you if you let them. I am a woman myself, so I know what some individuals of my gender are capable of doing. Take care of your heart, nobody else will do it for you.

Finally. Reason.

Absolutely, I was waiting for this. TBH what was going on there was crystal clear in the OP's post, I have a hard time seeing anyone call it into question.

 

[VanillaCreme]

-The OP seems like a generous person for spending all day and going out of his way to fix this lady's car. Even if he was hoping for this lady's time in return - that seems like a heck of a lot of work to do for anyone.
-No doubt here that the lady used her feminine ways to get some help. Anyone who thinks otherwise is being foolish.
-The lady's boyfriend sounds useless. Why wasn't HE helping her with her car problems by fixing them or helping her pay or at least hooking her up with someone who could help her instead of leaving her to drive with an unsafe car? Bad boyfriend.

-Teresa

Not every guy knows how to work on cars. None of us here know him. So that's pretty wide of someone to claim he's a bad boyfriend because he didn't fix it. We don't know what his reasons were, and that's pretty archaic to assume that just because he's a guy, he knows how to fix every car issue.

And yes, the OP was generous. But that's on him. He could have just as easily pointed her to another mechanic or a auto shop.

 

[lmph8885]

I have had many guy friends (JUST friends) work on cars for me. It's called helping a friend in need, but maybe my friends aren't quite the same as yours....

And do your friends ask you out on a date in exchange of a favour? It is not the same, there are different things.

---

I have been in similar situations. I respect the opinion of everyone here, however, I do think she knew what she was doing. If a guy asks me out for dinner in exchange of a favour it is VERY obvious that he is interested in me. She would have to be very naive or very stupid to think it was only a friendly dinner. I am sorry if this hurts you, however I must say that you are right and I completely understand the way you feel. I don't know for sure if she did actually flirt with you. However, accepting dinner in return of your favour and then taking her boyfriend was a terrible thing to do. In a way I feel bad for the boyfriend, I wonder if he knows the kind of woman he has with him. These type of situations help you "open your eyes" and see that she wasn't that special, hence you won't have to waste more time with that b*tch. Learn from this. I suggest never again ask a girl on a date in exchange of something. Some women out there are very cruel and will take advantage of you if you let them. I am a woman myself, so I know what some individuals of my gender are capable of doing. Take care of your heart, nobody else will do it for you.

I guess part of me is inclined to see it that way. Then again, what if this woman was really in dire straits? She was facing a $1500+ problem that she couldn't afford to fix. She'd be risking her safety driving in the car as it was, and having her car break down could present many challenges to her daily life, perhaps even adversely affecting her livelihood in a significant way. Is it good to take advantage of her little crisis and use it to secure a date? If you throw a rope to someone drowning, they're likely to grab it, regardless of the fine print.

You've got a point there. However, I picture myself in the situation. I would have tried other resources. Why didn't she ask for help to her bf? If the bf had no idea how to repair a car, then why didn't she asked to borrow some money? Or at least, why not ask for rides to her bf, family or friends until she saved enough money to fix her car? Or use public transportation? I don't know, I could think of many options that could have helped her stay safe and not be dishonest. Yet, she chose the easiest and most convenient for her in exchange of a date, she hid important information (that she had a bf) and was only honest until she got what she wanted. Still not valid for me.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I have had many guy friends (JUST friends) work on cars for me. It's called helping a friend in need, but maybe my friends aren't quite the same as yours....

And do your friends ask you out on a date in exchange of a favour? It is not the same, there are different things.

I think that was the point she was making. You have a friend, you do something for that friend... Do you automatically assume you'll get a kissing date out of it? That was probably the point of Callie's comment. When you're friends with someone, most of the time, it's probably not assumed a date will arise out of it.

Some people want to put blame on the girl - why didn't she tell him she wasn't single... why didn't she just ask her own boyfriend - or what confuses me more is they want to say something about the boyfriend... Those thoughts are irrelevant to the fact that he assumed he might get a date. This is why you don't assume things. Because often, things aren't what they seem.

She probably asked him because she knew he'd be better off looking at it over anyone else. That doesn't mean she was being a tramp about it. That means she asked someone she trusted.

 

[lmph8885]

I have had many guy friends (JUST friends) work on cars for me. It's called helping a friend in need, but maybe my friends aren't quite the same as yours....

And do your friends ask you out on a date in exchange of a favour? It is not the same, there are different things.

I think that was the point she was making. You have a friend, you do something for that friend... Do you automatically assume you'll get a kissing date out of it? That was probably the point of Callie's comment. When you're friends with someone, most of the time, it's probably not assumed a date will arise out of it.

Some people want to put blame on the girl - why didn't she tell him she wasn't single... why didn't she just ask her own boyfriend - or what confuses me more is they want to say something about the boyfriend... Those thoughts are irrelevant to the fact that he assumed he might get a date. This is why you don't assume things. Because often, things aren't what they seem.

She probably asked him because she knew he'd be better off looking at it over anyone else. That doesn't mean she was being a tramp about it. That means she asked someone she trusted.

I would agree if they would have been friends for years and know each other very well. In this case, they were barely getting to know each other, the guy didn't even know she had a bf. Then, why would someone ask for a favour to me in exchange of doing me another favour (invite me out to dinner)? At least I would have thought it was a more friendly thing if he could have asked me to pay for dinner or do any other favour for him but inviting me to dinner? Sorry, I respect people's opinions but no matter how you put it, I can't believe everything was so innocent.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I would agree if they would have been friends for years and know each other very well. In this case, they were barely getting to know each other, the guy didn't even know she had a bf. Then, why would someone ask for a favour to me in exchange of doing me another favour (invite me out to dinner)? At least I would have thought it was a more friendly thing if he could have asked me to pay for dinner or do any other favour for him but inviting me to dinner? Sorry, I respect people's opinions but no matter how you put it, I can't believe everything was so innocent.

He didn't know she had a boyfriend... But that's no one's fault. She could have told him. He could have asked. Having a partner doesn't mean you'll involve them in everything. What is she supposed to, shake everyone's hand, "Hi, I have a boyfriend." No, she doesn't have to do that. He didn't have to fix her car, and he didn't have to go out to eat with her either. He made those decisions to do that.

I'm not saying that the girl did or did not have ulterior motives. But it was his decision to help her at all. Whether or not she had other intentions by asking, being cute so she could get what she wanted, or whatever else has nothing to do with the fact that it was his decision to help.

I could try to act cute too to get something - that doesn't mean I'll get it.

 

[mintymint]

I have been in similar situations. I respect the opinion of everyone here, however, I do think she knew what she was doing. If a guy asks me out for dinner in exchange of a favour it is VERY obvious that he is interested in me. She would have to be very naive or very stupid to think it was only a friendly dinner. I am sorry if this hurts you, however I must say that you are right and I completely understand the way you feel. I don't know for sure if she did actually flirt with you. However, accepting dinner in return of your favour and then taking her boyfriend was a terrible thing to do. In a way I feel bad for the boyfriend, I wonder if he knows the kind of woman he has with him. These type of situations help you "open your eyes" and see that she wasn't that special, hence you won't have to waste more time with that b*tch. Learn from this. I suggest never again ask a girl on a date in exchange of something. Some women out there are very cruel and will take advantage of you if you let them. I am a woman myself, so I know what some individuals of my gender are capable of doing. Take care of your heart, nobody else will do it for you.

I guess part of me is inclined to see it that way. Then again, what if this woman was really in dire straits? She was facing a $1500+ problem that she couldn't afford to fix. She'd be risking her safety driving in the car as it was, and having her car break down could present many challenges to her daily life, perhaps even adversely affecting her livelihood in a significant way. Is it good to take advantage of her little crisis and use it to secure a date? If you throw a rope to someone drowning, they're likely to grab it, regardless of the fine print.

You've got a point there. However, I picture myself in the situation. I would have tried other resources. Why didn't she ask for help to her bf? If the bf had no idea how to repair a car, then why didn't she asked to borrow some money? Or at least, why not ask for rides to her bf, family or friends until she saved enough money to fix her car? Or use public transportation? I don't know, I could think of many options that could have helped her stay safe and not be dishonest. Yet, she chose the easiest and most convenient for her in exchange of a date, she hid important information (that she had a bf) and was only honest until she got what she wanted. Still not valid for me.

Those are definitely the kind of expectations you'd want to have of a person. But if you always relied on others to be decent and considerate, you'd probably end up in bad shape. I'm not trying to defend this woman's innocence or her character. But I do believe that he should have gone about things differently. What she did was hurtful and dishonest, but not atypical. There's a lot of users out there, so don't go offering yourself up on a silver platter to them. Be wary of how your intentions color your actions, and don't do people "favors" if you're only doing them in expectation of some reward.

 

[lmph8885]

I would agree if they would have been friends for years and know each other very well. In this case, they were barely getting to know each other, the guy didn't even know she had a bf. Then, why would someone ask for a favour to me in exchange of doing me another favour (invite me out to dinner)? At least I would have thought it was a more friendly thing if he could have asked me to pay for dinner or do any other favour for him but inviting me to dinner? Sorry, I respect people's opinions but no matter how you put it, I can't believe everything was so innocent.

He didn't know she had a boyfriend... But that's no one's fault. She could have told him. He could have asked. Having a partner doesn't mean you'll involve them in everything. What is she supposed to, shake everyone's hand, "Hi, I have a boyfriend." No, she doesn't have to do that. He didn't have to fix her car, and he didn't have to go out to eat with her either. He made those decisions to do that.

I'm not saying that the girl did or did not have ulterior motives. But it was his decision to help her at all. Whether or not she had other intentions by asking, being cute so she could get what she wanted, or whatever else has nothing to do with the fact that it was his decision to help.

I could try to act cute too to get something - that doesn't mean I'll get it.

Hahahahahahahahaha of course not, it is so absurd to go shaking everyone's hand and ask if they have a bf. You obviously didn't get my point. I was just trying to make it clear that they didn't know each other well enough to know more about their lives, about something so important as to have a bf. When you get to know people, it is very gradual but accepting such a big help from someone I barely know in exchange for dinner? And also, I NEVER said it was only the girl's fault. If you take some time and read my previous post, I told the guy that he should never do a favour in exchange of a date if he doesn't want to get exposed to this type of situations again. Regarding being cute to get something, I have never done it and I find women who do it a shame for my gender. I admire a woman that uses other resources such as her strength and intelligence to solve her problems. I'm not saying I am perfect but that doesn't mean I am incapable of being impartial and identifying when people do things they are not suppose to. In summary, both made mistakes in my opinion and I don't think it is right to justify a person when evidence and reason tells us she didn't act properly.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Those are definitely the kind of expectations you'd want to have of a person. But if you always relied on others to be decent and considerate, you'd probably end up in bad shape. I'm not trying to defend this woman's innocence or her character. But I do believe that he should have gone about things differently. What she did was hurtful and dishonest, but not atypical. There's a lot of users out there, so don't go offering yourself up on a silver platter to them. Be wary of how your intentions color your actions, and don't do people "favors" if you're only doing them in expectation of some reward.

Exactly.

And also, I NEVER said it was only the girl's fault. If you take some time and read my previous post, I told the guy that he should never do a favour in exchange of a date if he doesn't want to get exposed to this type of situations again.

I didn't say that you said it was anyone's fault. I did read your posts, and if you had read mine properly, you'd see that I simply said it was no one's fault; Not that you said it was anyone's fault.

 

[TheRealCallie]

This whole thread is turning into something ridiculous. You are all speculating on the reasons behind what the GIRL did, very few of you are looking at the reasons behind what the OP did.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not getting on the OP for what he did. He said he would have done it anyway, so regardless of the intentions or whatever for what the girl did, HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY! The OP said that he hasn't talked to her yet, but that he was going to.

Now, let's go back to the whole argument in this thread. You only know what the OP said, you know nothing of the girl, you know nothing of her side. If she really was in dire straights, as Mintymint pointed out, then she likely wasn't even paying attention to what the OP said to her on the conditions of him fixing the brakes. She could have discussed it with her boyfriend later and realized what he actually meant, hence the boyfriend coming with her. She was in NO WAY obligated to tell him she had a boyfriend before this point. I repeat, you do not know the girl, so you have no right to judge her based on what the OP said. He had/has a crush on her, so he used her situation to get what HE wanted. So, her intentions good or not, he used her....

 

[Xpendable]

He had/has a crush on her, so he used her situation to get what HE wanted. So, her intentions good or not, he used her....

We even got dinner after work a few times, not really a date, just hungry after work and decided to hang out. I still took it as a good sign.

Had opportunities to mention boyfriend.

ok enough car talk, its really bad, an expensive fix and very unsafe to drive, I'm amazed she's still alive. I explain things to her and she starts crying, she doesn't have the money, whats she going to do, going on and on.

Manipulation 101

Well since I like the girl I offer to fix it for the parts cost, if she'll go out to dinner with me, she gets a huge grin on her face, hops up and down, kisses me on the cheek and says "yes". Awesome!

Again, he offered dinner to her and we have to believe she still doesn't know what's going on?
OP spends his own time, money and good will with out any sings of what was going to happen, and your conclusion is that he used her?
Yeah, he may have seen that as an opportunity to get some reciprocation. But I think is pretty obvious who's got the upper hand. I bet if OP didn't know how to fix cars she wouldn't even dedicated a thought on him.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You know, it's funny how you choose to target ME for saying that, when I'm not the first one to say it.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO DISCLOSE THAT SHE HAS A ******* BOYFRIEND!

He goes on and on about how he likes to fix cars, so one day, she tells him that she has a major problem and HE offers to fix it. He did not HAVE to fix it for her, that was HIS choice (to which he has already said HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY!)
Who the hell wouldn't start crying when they have been forced to see that there's nothing she can do? Of course she goes on and on about it, **** near ANYONE would. That's not manipulation, that's real life.

Again, they've been to dinner before, so not really a game changer here and not really anything to second guess, considering they've been to dinner before. Also, again, when one is overjoyed because they can SAFELY drive a vehicle without having to get a loan or drive said unsafe vehicle until she can afford it, one may miss clues as to tell her that it's a date, hence later thinking and/or discussing it with boyfriend (who she did NOT have to mention), realize what he really meant.

HE DID NOT SPEND HIS OWN MONEY!!! SHE PAID FOR THE ******* PARTS! But yes, he did spend his time, WHICH HE SAID HE WOULD DO ANYWAY! And who says there's not any signs that she will later return the favor? HE hasn't talked to her since, HE hasn't given her a chance. Again, I'll repeat, NONE of you know this girl, only the OP does and not all that well. You can't judge her based on ONE interaction when it could have easily turned into a life or death situation, given that if you drive with messed up brakes, they could very well fail and cause an accident....

He may not have used HER, but he definitely used her situation.

I'm not saying OP is a bad guy, a lot of people do that, but if you are going to nit-pick what SHE supposedly did, without knowing her, then it's only fair to nit-pick BOTH sides of it....

 

[Rainbows]

And since when is doing something only to get them to go on a date with you not manipulation? It might not be subtle manipulation, but it certainly is.

This forum is good at pointing fingers at someone. I don't go around telling everyone I have a boyfriend. He doesn't define me. I've had many people help me out with things and they've done things for me. Did they ask me for a date? No. It's called being friends.

Wtf man, if you can't even ask your friend to help you out anymore, what has this world gone to?
Send help please. They say the youth is broken.

 

[Xpendable]

Ok, I correct myself, but you have to admit that saving someone $1500 is useful as handing it. Not to mention that he probably saved her life (and her boyfriend's life). I still think OP was used, doesn't mean the girl is bad; some people are just like that.