If you can´t get love, would you rely on sex?

[TheSkaFish]

I don't know. The way things are, love is no longer on the table for me. So the only choice left is between just sex or nothing. I would only consider it with someone I found exceptionally physically attractive, and of course, clean and healthy. Otherwise it's not worth the risk.

But at the same time, I don't know that I would even want that. It would basically be masturbation, which I don't like because I find it to be very miserable. It would be so empty. It would just be numbing me to the problem instead of actually fixing it, like getting drunk to feel nothing because nothing is better than anger or despair. I don't want my life to be a series of throwaway encounters and compromises because I wasn't good enough to compete for and win the real experience. I want things to be meaningful and special. But I can't get that anymore.

But it's not even worth thinking about because there's not even anyone that attractive around. I've never even had an opportunity to casually hook up with someone, and I doubt that it will change. It doesn't matter anyway.

 

[TheRealCallie]

 

[Yamira]

I don't know. The way things are, love is no longer on the table for me. So the only choice left is between just sex or nothing. I would only consider it with someone I found exceptionally physically attractive, and of course, clean and healthy. Otherwise it's not worth the risk.

But at the same time, I don't know that I would even want that. It would basically be masturbation, which I don't like because I find it to be very miserable. It would be so empty. It would just be numbing me to the problem instead of actually fixing it, like getting drunk to feel nothing because nothing is better than anger or despair. I don't want my life to be a series of throwaway encounters and compromises because I wasn't good enough to compete for and win the real experience. I want things to be meaningful and special. But I can't get that anymore.

But it's not even worth thinking about because there's not even anyone that attractive around. I've never even had an opportunity to casually hook up with someone, and I doubt that it will change. It doesn't matter anyway.

Puh ok I just have to ask questions if I get you right:
You gave up on love why?
Worth the risk? What risk? Feeling anger and despair or a health risk?
You dont like masturbation and sex right? But that doesn't matter because nobody would fit your high expectations?

You don't even leave 1% hope for yourself, how come?

 

[TheSkaFish]

Puh ok I just have to ask questions if I get you right:
You gave up on love why?

Because all the girls that I've ever met that had everything I wanted in a girl, are all taken now. Probably for good, too. So there's no one left I'd want a relationship with.

Worth the risk? What risk? Feeling anger and despair or a health risk?

Mostly health risks, pregnancy risks, things like that. And also the despair. The feeling of, if I can sleep with whoever it is, why couldn't I have had the right stuff when the ones I wanted were around? Why didn't I have it when it counted? I'd risk being overcome with regret.

You dont like masturbation and sex right? But that doesn't matter because nobody would fit your high expectations?

Well, I've never had sex so I don't know if I would like it or not. But I know I don't like masturbation. It's like, it just magnifies my loneliness and the fact that I'm not with who I want. And it makes me feel like crap, physically. It's not a good feeling for me.

My expectations are high, yes. But they are also unique. I know I could get along with these girls, I know we could have fun because I know we have stuff in common. I know we could have a meaningful conversation, because we have had them. And I also know that, like, why COULDN'T I have been with them, you know? Somebody can. I know I could have done it. And now that I've met girls who actually had all of what i wanted, i know they are real. I couldn't enjoy someone that i feel is just okay, anymore. They'd always only ever be second best and I'd always wish I could have just had the right stuff at the right time.

You don't even leave 1% hope for yourself, how come?

Well, one has a baby now so she's out for good. Another just got engaged, but I'm crossing my fingers that it will dissolve because she hasn't known the person long, he is very unstable, and she is young and immature. And the other is also taken, lives far away, and is very well established where she is in terms of friends.

So unless these girls break up with who they're with AND we reconnect, I have no hope to experience romantic love. It's probably a less than 1% chance.

 

[Outcast]

^ There's more than 2 or 3 girls in the world my friend, that's no reason to give up.

Anyway, as for the OP. Sure if you both knew what it meant. If one of you has feelings though it gets messy, so no. Not to mention sex is no replacement for love.

 

[TheSkaFish]

^ There's more than 2 or 3 girls in the world my friend, that's no reason to give up.

I know. But most don't have any of the traits I'm looking for. Then there are some of them who have a few of the things I like but not all. But there are very few who have a lot of what I am looking for. And now that I have actually known girls who have the full deal, now that I know that they actually exist, it would be very hard for me to get interested in someone who doesn't. In all the thousands of people I've met over the course of my life, I've only met 3 that I'd actually find attractive and want to date. And now they're all gone. So yea, I give up. The big hurdle I have is physical attraction. Most girls don't do it for me. It's not that they are ugly, I just find them unremarkable. And then again, even among those I find physically attractive, there's a lot that fall into types. I only get to go through life once, so I want someone who is pretty and doesn't look like anyone else. But even then, they have to have a personality that I find fascinating and fun. A balance of depth and playfulness. And I want them to inspire me to get new ideas and keep going for what I want. And I want to connect conversationally. I don't want to talk about TV or the weather. I don't find a lot of people very interesting or inspiring.

I guess I'll keep trying to become interesting on the off-chance they'll be back again. I don't want to repeat the mistake I made before, when I gave up on life due to the recession, and now I'm much worse off than I would have been if I just kept trying. So I guess it never hurts to be prepared. But it's a very slim hope that they'll be free again.

 

[PieBeNice]

^ There's more than 2 or 3 girls in the world my friend, that's no reason to give up.

I know. But most don't have any of the traits I'm looking for. Then there are some of them who have a few of the things I like but not all. But there are very few who have a lot of what I am looking for. And now that I have actually known girls who have the full deal, now that I know that they actually exist, it would be very hard for me to get interested in someone who doesn't. In all the thousands of people I've met over the course of my life, I've only met 3 that I'd actually find attractive and want to date. And now they're all gone. So yea, I give up. The big hurdle I have is physical attraction. Most girls don't do it for me. It's not that they are ugly, I just find them unremarkable. And then again, even among those I find physically attractive, there's a lot that fall into types. I only get to go through life once, so I want someone who is pretty and doesn't look like anyone else. But even then, they have to have a personality that I find fascinating and fun. A balance of depth and playfulness. And I want them to inspire me to get new ideas and keep going for what I want. And I want to connect conversationally. I don't want to talk about TV or the weather. I don't find a lot of people very interesting or inspiring.

I guess I'll keep trying to become interesting on the off-chance they'll be back again. I don't want to repeat the mistake I made before, when I gave up on life due to the recession, and now I'm much worse off than I would have been if I just kept trying. So I guess it never hurts to be prepared. But it's a very slim hope that they'll be free again.

You haven't met everyone yet.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You haven't met everyone yet.

I know. But three out of however many hundreds or thousands of women I've met in my life, every class and every school, every job, every party or other social gathering, every time I've gone out to events....it gets discouraging. I look on the dating sites, and I see page after page of girls with the same physical features (not necessarily ugly but not eye-catching or unique, the kind of girls you'd pass on the sidewalk and forget - just faces in the crowd) and the same interests (their job, watching sports, comedy, misc tv shows, food, going to the bar, country music - I've got it memorized now).

Sometimes I think I should just throw my preferences to the wind. I clearly am not the kind of guy who can attract anyone he chooses. Sometimes I think I should just make a profile on one of those sites, and just pretend to be okay with the first girl who messages me. It's not that I think no one would ever like me, just no one I'd think is special. Just give up on looking for someone to make moments with staring at the stars talking about life and the universe and shrink my expectations down to watching sports or their favorite TV show while drinking beers on the couch.

I know I'm frustrating. So for what it's worth, thanks for being nicer this time. I mean it.

 

[PieBeNice]

You haven't met everyone yet.

I know. But three out of however many hundreds or thousands of women I've met in my life, every class and every school, every job, every party or other social gathering, every time I've gone out to events....it gets discouraging. I look on the dating sites, and I see page after page of girls with the same physical features (not necessarily ugly but not eye-catching or unique, the kind of girls you'd pass on the sidewalk and forget - just faces in the crowd) and the same interests (their job, watching sports, comedy, misc tv shows, food, going to the bar, country music - I've got it memorized now).

Sometimes I think I should just throw my preferences to the wind. I clearly am not the kind of guy who can attract anyone he chooses. Sometimes I think I should just make a profile on one of those sites, and just pretend to be okay with the first girl who messages me. It's not that I think no one would ever like me, just no one I'd think is special. Just give up on looking for someone to make moments with staring at the stars talking about life and the universe and shrink my expectations down to watching sports or their favorite TV show while drinking beers on the couch.

I know I'm frustrating. So for what it's worth, thanks for being nicer this time. I mean it.

Pie Be Nice. It's in the name.

When you say that you are not attracted to these people are you not saying this based on first impressions? Has the possibility been considered that a greater amount of attraction could eventually be developed? Is there any flaw in approaching the situations you have described in this manner?

 

[Batman55]

I have a feeling I've seen a conversation like this before

And I really DON'T mean to be rude.. it's just I had to say this... don't mind me Ska... I'm mentioning this also for your benefit, because things turned out badly recently when you brought this topic up.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Pie Be Nice. It's in the name.

When you say that you are not attracted to these people are you not saying this based on first impressions? Has the possibility been considered that a greater amount of attraction could eventually be developed? Is there any flaw in approaching the situations you have described in this manner?

Haha, so it is. Maybe we got off on the wrong foot after all.

Mm, I guess you could say it's based on first impressions. Certainly on the physical side. I know this is going to sound terrible, but I don't know how else to put it - for example, when you think of paper and pencil rpg's, you usually don't think of attractive women. And yet, one of these girls I met not only played them and was into the same stuff I liked, but she was also one of the most attractive women I have ever seen in my life. That includes both women I've met in person and women I've only seen in pictures, movies, or TV. But unfortunately she is taken for good, and unfortunately, she and the other girls I met are also like, the benchmark by which I look at potential mates. And those benchmarks are pretty tough to beat.

I realize that makes me sound like a big jerk but I don't know how to talk about what I want in someone without coming off as mean. All I can say in my defense is that I sound meaner than I really am.

Could a greater amount of attraction be developed? Eh, without actually trying to date someone I can't really tell. I need a certain level of physical and intellectual/personality attraction to begin with, and health/weight/nonsmoker, but I suppose stranger things have happened.

Is there any flaw in approaching situations in this manner? Well, I guess I think that if I were to try and date someone, the whole time I'd just be thinking, if I can attract someone now, why couldn't I have done it when it counted, like i said. I'd probably feel like I was just going through the motions, the whole time wishing I were with the girls I wanted instead, not really enjoying who I am with but pining away in quiet desperation. I'd feel only lukewarm for the one I'm with, and a lot of regret and wishing things could've been different.

But on the other hand, I guess there really isn't any flaw in it, since it's not like I have anything else to do. I could just casually date other girls while I'm waiting for the possibility that the girls I truly like will break up with or divorce who they're with. And that could happen too. It wouldn't hurt to be prepared, just in case - like I said, the last time I thought to give up on life, it was the wrong choice and I realize I should have prepared for the best instead. I'd get some experience while I bide my time, and it's not like I'd have to make these casual dates into serious commitments, or that I'd have to make these other girls any promises or that I'd even have to keep them if I did. So I guess there isn't much of a flaw in it. Might as well keep busy I guess.

---

I have a feeling I've seen a conversation like this before

And I really DON'T mean to be rude.. it's just I had to say this... don't mind me Ska... I'm mentioning this also for your benefit, because things turned out badly recently when you brought this topic up.

I don't mind you. It's okay. I understand your concern. Thanks for thinking of my benefit, anyway.

 

[Yamira]

So then what are you physical attracted to if its that extraordinary that only 3 girls ever met your standard?

I for myself can confirm, that a personality can change the way I´m attracted to him. Both ways. But you´re building your own walls when you compare every girl to your 3 perfect girls before you even talk to them. You can have your standards, thats no problem. But you have to be prepared to be alone for longer if they are that high and if you´re not allowing to get to know someone better who´s probably not perfect. And not to forget: You get born with a certain face/ certain body. It´s nothing that we can influence that.

 

[VanillaCreme]

VanillaCreme: But aren´t you falling more if you don´t have any physical contact at all? I need physical contact and that is nothing that a hug from a friend can replace...

I suppose that if someone can keep those physical feelings separate from emotional ones, it would be ideal. Personally, I don't think I could - not for very long anyway. Which is why I said I'd certainly step away if I even thought for a second I would fall for someone who made it clear to me nothing would ever happen. I don't want to be dragged in the mud like a puppy, so I won't act like a muddy puppy... if that makes any sense.

 

[ardour]

I have the unpopular opinion that sex shouldn't be separated from emotions; that it's a an ugly thing to use another person that way, even with a mutual understanding. Once you're "done" with each other you're likely to feel worse than ever.

So no. But then casual sex wouldn't be an option available to me anyway.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Well, I just wanna say that if you can't find love, or lost your love more than once, it really doesn't mean it is the end and that it would never happen again. There is always that possibility of it coming along again. Of course it won't ever be the same, it will be different, but it's still better than nothing, in my opinion. Besides, each person is different, no two relationships can ever be the same because of this.

Unless you're sick and tired of "being in love" and want to cut it out and just go for sex. Then go ahead - just be careful, use protection and make sure you don't fall in love in the process of it.

I suppose that if someone can keep those physical feelings separate from emotional ones, it would be ideal. Personally, I don't think I could - not for very long anyway. Which is why I said I'd certainly step away if I even thought for a second I would fall for someone who made it clear to me nothing would ever happen. I don't want to be dragged in the mud like a puppy, so I won't act like a muddy puppy... if that makes any sense.

This is where I stand as well on this topic.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I have the unpopular opinion that sex shouldn't be separated from emotions; that it's a an ugly thing to use another person that way, even with a mutual understanding. Once you're "done" with each other you're likely to feel worse than ever.

So no. But then casual sex wouldn't be an option available to me anyway.

I wouldn't say it's unpopular. On a personal level, I believe the same. Not because I think it shouldn't be... but because I know I don't think I could separate them. If I'm involved with anyone, on any level, for any reason, it's because I have feelings for them.

 

[Ymir]

I have the unpopular opinion that sex shouldn't be separated from emotions; that it's a an ugly thing to use another person that way, even with a mutual understanding. Once you're "done" with each other you're likely to feel worse than ever.

So no. But then casual sex wouldn't be an option available to me anyway.

I wouldn't say it's unpopular. On a personal level, I believe the same. Not because I think it shouldn't be... but because I know I don't think I could separate them. If I'm involved with anyone, on any level, for any reason, it's because I have feelings for them.

A better wording to ardour's opinion would be "I can't separate sex from emotions", hahaha. It is entirely subjective: not everyone is going to feel worse after having casual sex, and it's not "using" another person if they both agree to it and are fully capable of not mixing things up.

It's not fair to expand your judgement to situations you made no part of ("sex shouldn't be separated from emotions" as in even the sex you are not having) when you have only your biased point of views to back up your opinion.

 

[Rainbows]

Thanks for bringing this thread back on the rails.

For me the answer to this question is no, since I'm a graysexual. Haha.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I don't want sex without love. If I was o.k. with this then I would be accepting one of the numerous offers I have on OK Cupid. I know from experience that this kind of sex only gives me emotional pain. Even if I don't get emotionally attached to the person then I would be breaking my own heart by allowing myself to be degraded and devalued by another person. It would simply hurt me just knowing that this is how much value I have to another person, to be used for sex, just a wet hole for a man's hot dog. I would have to have some pretty low self-esteem to be o.k. with this for me. In fact I think I'm entitled to make it mandatory that a guy must love me before he can have sexual access to me. It's my body and my emotions after all. This is not to judge anyone else, this is just how strongly I feel about it for me.

So if the only sex available to me is sex without love then I have to choose celibacy and settle for platonic love through friends and family. And if anyone wants to use me for my personality and friendship, even if it means I am sexually unappealing to another I'm more than willing to give. Because this would not shatter my self-esteem or make me feel degraded or devalued in any way. At least I can walk away feeling good about myself.

I will tell any guy who wants sex from me without a relationship that we can have a platonic relationship, and if necessary explain to him that platonic comes from a relationship between 2 men, Socrates wanted to be with Plato but Plato wouldn't let him inside. So they had the same kind of relationship that 2 heterosexual people of the same gender had, no hanky panky. I think it would be so funny to watch each one of these guys walk away from such a boring no sex arrangement. But hey, we all look out for ourselves right? And me personally, I want everything or nothing when it comes to sex and everything means a loving relationship that includes sex.

So if celibacy is my only option (if I can't have sex without love) I can get physical pleasure and touch through massage therapy. I'll make plenty of appointments.

 

[Sun35]

Firstly I have always been single, never had a relationship of any sort.However I can still reply to this

If you meet someone, who clearly tells you, that he/ she will never fall in love with you (whatever reason) but they would like to have sex with you - would you do it?

No. Never ever.

I have already given up on love. Hence I know now that I will never have love in my lifetime and I am prepared for to live that way as well.

I do get attracted and I do experience but it is of different kind, for me it is "Aesthetic attraction". This attraction is purely of aesthetic type and nothing more than that. That's the only attraction I experience.

As far as sex is concerned, I am not asexual but then I don't believe in sex,any kind of sex(casual, serious or whatever) and also I have absolutely no(zero) desire for something like sex and I don't want that ever in my life.

Maybe even have a long-term affair?

Affair?

No way, never. Never will I do that till I live.

But I need to be touched or to be loved (even if its only physical) and isn´t it better to have at least that than just nothing? Is the pain afterwards worth the happy and fun hours before?

I can understand that, honestly even I also have a desire, a small desire perhaps, to feel touched ,loved by someone. Of course I will feel great if I know that someone can also love me, a person like me but then I know it will never happen and I am equally capable of living without love in my life. It's fine if I never get it.

You mean to say something is better than nothing right?

That's a good thing but that doesn't work that way for me, in this case as I told you I have already given up love and I don't believe in sex and I don't want it because I am not like that, not that kind of person, I have my own high standards and I live by it.

Hence, now I know and I am fully aware I am not going to get anything in my life. I am very happy and completely fine with not having anything in my life.

Well, I just wanna say that if you can't find love, or lost your love more than once, it really doesn't mean it is the end and that it would never happen again. There is always that possibility of it coming along again. Of course it won't ever be the same, it will be different, but it's still better than nothing, in my opinion. Besides, each person is different, no two relationships can ever be the same because of this.

Not sure if it works that way, not for all people but still I can see your point and yes it's a possibility.