darkwall
Well-known member
REASONS
ONE - I don't like very many people in the real world. This includes most of my friends. I mean, I have a sense of loyalty for them, but at the same time I get bored around them quickly. For someone to interest me they have to be both intelligent and lovable, and this is a rare combination (one that I myself do not possess).
TWO - My experience of the world is messed. People go on about personality - and I guess I'll have to get to it at some point - but I tell you that EXPERIENCE is the main thing. We don't actually look for people with personalities in common with us, but rather EXPERIENCE - have they gone out to clubs, have they read history books, etc. I am psychologically a traveler, and so my experience of most things (e.g. girls) is like a country I have visited briefly and am a stranger in.
THREE - I have MASSIVE personal flaws, and they get worse as I get older. I'm becoming more deadened to things like banality or being immoral, and so I'm losing sense of who I am. I've spoken before of my arbitrary persona - "should I be a prick tonight or a nice guy?" and yet the truth is that all my dichotomies can be explained by that I am *a selfish person who longs to feel*. All of these things, the outsider who cannot be easily understood and shows little interest - make me strange, and impossible to love.
What do you do when your enemies understand you best? Worse - when you feel connected to them, because you can be yourself around them more than anyone else? I go online and play chess against people while verbally abusing them, and yet today I nearly cried when one started the "fishing" game - in which you get personal information to attack them with by saying "I bet you're a redneck" etc. because I felt closer to them than anyone else in my life. It is true that my attributes and perceptions are arranged in such a way to deal the most damage to others: but why this sliver of emotion within me that means I do the most hurt to myself?
ONE - I don't like very many people in the real world. This includes most of my friends. I mean, I have a sense of loyalty for them, but at the same time I get bored around them quickly. For someone to interest me they have to be both intelligent and lovable, and this is a rare combination (one that I myself do not possess).
TWO - My experience of the world is messed. People go on about personality - and I guess I'll have to get to it at some point - but I tell you that EXPERIENCE is the main thing. We don't actually look for people with personalities in common with us, but rather EXPERIENCE - have they gone out to clubs, have they read history books, etc. I am psychologically a traveler, and so my experience of most things (e.g. girls) is like a country I have visited briefly and am a stranger in.
THREE - I have MASSIVE personal flaws, and they get worse as I get older. I'm becoming more deadened to things like banality or being immoral, and so I'm losing sense of who I am. I've spoken before of my arbitrary persona - "should I be a prick tonight or a nice guy?" and yet the truth is that all my dichotomies can be explained by that I am *a selfish person who longs to feel*. All of these things, the outsider who cannot be easily understood and shows little interest - make me strange, and impossible to love.
What do you do when your enemies understand you best? Worse - when you feel connected to them, because you can be yourself around them more than anyone else? I go online and play chess against people while verbally abusing them, and yet today I nearly cried when one started the "fishing" game - in which you get personal information to attack them with by saying "I bet you're a redneck" etc. because I felt closer to them than anyone else in my life. It is true that my attributes and perceptions are arranged in such a way to deal the most damage to others: but why this sliver of emotion within me that means I do the most hurt to myself?