Impossible to love

[darkwall]

REASONS

ONE - I don't like very many people in the real world. This includes most of my friends. I mean, I have a sense of loyalty for them, but at the same time I get bored around them quickly. For someone to interest me they have to be both intelligent and lovable, and this is a rare combination (one that I myself do not possess).

TWO - My experience of the world is messed. People go on about personality - and I guess I'll have to get to it at some point - but I tell you that EXPERIENCE is the main thing. We don't actually look for people with personalities in common with us, but rather EXPERIENCE - have they gone out to clubs, have they read history books, etc. I am psychologically a traveler, and so my experience of most things (e.g. girls) is like a country I have visited briefly and am a stranger in.

THREE - I have MASSIVE personal flaws, and they get worse as I get older. I'm becoming more deadened to things like banality or being immoral, and so I'm losing sense of who I am. I've spoken before of my arbitrary persona - "should I be a prick tonight or a nice guy?" and yet the truth is that all my dichotomies can be explained by that I am *a selfish person who longs to feel*. All of these things, the outsider who cannot be easily understood and shows little interest - make me strange, and impossible to love.

What do you do when your enemies understand you best? Worse - when you feel connected to them, because you can be yourself around them more than anyone else? I go online and play chess against people while verbally abusing them, and yet today I nearly cried when one started the "fishing" game - in which you get personal information to attack them with by saying "I bet you're a redneck" etc. because I felt closer to them than anyone else in my life. It is true that my attributes and perceptions are arranged in such a way to deal the most damage to others: but why this sliver of emotion within me that means I do the most hurt to myself?

 

[Depressedology]

man, i feel you a lot, that's almost me. f**k it, we should play chess online sometime, I'll beat you
- maybe I demand less in friendship (intelligent+lovable? too much, lol) i just him to be honest, humble, and giving.
you said you get bored from your friends. you know what's messed up for me, I'm bored from my own family, that's why I have not talked to any of them (including my parents) for nearly 7 months now
thanks for bringing this anyway + take it easy

 

[MountainTop]

you sound like you have the curse of intelligence my friend.
Its much easier to live a 'happy' life if you are perfectly average.
sad to say is, you loneliness will never truly end until you meet other inelligent people.
Keep in mind, intelligence is not the same as being smart.
you can work at learing to be 'smart' but an truly agile mind is hard to find

 

[sappy]

i can relate to you rather...my problem is , is that im lost.....i have days where I have no self-esteem and think that im horrendous...others i take the attitude of screw the world i dont care anymore about anything and just be me...im torn. sometimes i feel like i missing out on parties and whatnot yet whem I observe those that i perceive as "living the good life" i find most of them to be rather boring and mundane, trapped in their own little bubble oblivious of everything that doesnt matter in their own little world. most can hold an intelligent conversation on very few subjects (not saying im an einstein but i like to spice things up) and im left almost beside myself after each of these interactions bored, cynical and almost hopeless...idk though...maybe im just dumb

 

[SophiaGrace]

What do you do when your enemies understand you best? Worse - when you feel connected to them, because you can be yourself around them more than anyone else? I go online and play chess against people while verbally abusing them, and yet today I nearly cried when one started the "fishing" game - in which you get personal information to attack them with by saying "I bet you're a redneck" etc. because I felt closer to them than anyone else in my life. It is true that my attributes and perceptions are arranged in such a way to deal the most damage to others: but why this sliver of emotion within me that means I do the most hurt to myself?

If your enemies understand you best doesnt that mean that you agree with their negative view of you? That you agree with them that you are these horrible traits (whatever these traits might be) rather than posessing positive ones?

I hate to say this but it almost seems as though you see these people as treating you in a way you think you deserve to be treated. Could this be a form of self harm? A different way of applying a razor to your wrist? A self-put-down designed to numb your heart further?

I will be honest and say that I am reaching in the dark here with what i've said above. I'm trying to understand, to empathize. But i've never heard anyone say that they relate to their enemies more than their friends...

I would think that even the most horrible of people find others that agree with their outlook on the world. Maybe these "friends" will not be trustworthy because of their bent morality. And this...makes them your enemies?

So are the people you feel closest to people whom you can ultimately not trust because of their bent sense of morality? Their utter disregard for the feelings of others.

Let me ask you something. When you come across these people who you relate best to (your enemies), how do they make you feel? Do they make you feel numb, alive, angry, sad, happy?

If you feel a negative emotion, it probably means you dislike yourself or speaking to these people is just another form of self harm.

It is true that my attributes and perceptions are arranged in such a way to deal the most damage to others: but why this sliver of emotion within me that means I do the most hurt to myself?

Why do you think that no matter how hard you try to hurt others that you end up more hurt in the end?

Perhaps by harming others you end up alienating yourself from them. No one wants to be around someone that hurts them. Thus this perpetuates your own loneliness...

You self destruct your healthy relationships, and are only left with the people who hate you in the end.

In conclusion,

If you want to be loved, try showing some kindness to others. Extend a hand of friendship. Dont put people down and try not to hurt them (although hurt is inevitable in any relationship). Help others. Think of them. Once you think of others, they will, in return, think of you.

It is not a hopeless situation despite what you might think.

 

[darkwall]

@ SophiaGrace:

I believe that my enemies understand my weaknesses better than my friends do my strengths. I also think that I have much more in common with my enemies, especially in that I am much more likely to clash with them if we are alike. You asked me how they make me feel, and I guess they make me feel like giving in. So while there's pain in that, there's also relief as well.

With regard to your other question, the reason I hurt myself most is because I empathise with the people I hurt, even my enemies. I think you made a lot of assumptions in response ("you self destruct your healthy relationships") and the "be kind to others" is both an over-simplification that breezes past the issues discussed in the entry, as well as containing the inference that I am not kind to a lot of people.

Being kind does not bring love, just as friendship does not bring love. I have plenty of kindness and friendship in my life, but at the same time there is this distance between me and those around me. With regard to both your questions, the key thing is that I am not understood by my friends - some of whom might even think they love me - and that my nature is aligned like a Shakespeare villain, so that despite my good intentions I find it far easier to reduce someone to tears than laughter.

 

[PoisonFlowers]

TWO - My experience of the world is messed. People go on about personality - and I guess I'll have to get to it at some point - but I tell you that EXPERIENCE is the main thing. We don't actually look for people with personalities in common with us, but rather EXPERIENCE - have they gone out to clubs, have they read history books, etc. I am psychologically a traveler, and so my experience of most things (e.g. girls) is like a country I have visited briefly and am a stranger in.

I have to disagree with that. Although experience is important for making connections with people, if you can't relate to someone's outlook on the world or their feelings about certain things, then experience is where the connection ends. Sure, experience will give you something to talk about, but it won't necessarily make you like each other.
I hope I haven't misunderstood what you were trying to say there...

I don't think you're impossible to love. It's just that the love from your friends feels empty since, as you say, they do not really know you. Also, love is mutual, so it's a matter of finding the right people; people who do understand and love you and whom you can love back. Goodness, I'm awful at giving advice.

I've spoken before of my arbitrary persona - "should I be a prick tonight or a nice guy?" and yet the truth is that all my dichotomies can be explained by that I am *a selfish person who longs to feel*.

Sorry, but could you explain what you mean by that? What has longing to feel got to do with such dichotomy in your persona?

 

[cheaptrickfan]

TWO - My experience of the world is messed. People go on about personality - and I guess I'll have to get to it at some point - but I tell you that EXPERIENCE is the main thing. We don't actually look for people with personalities in common with us, but rather EXPERIENCE - have they gone out to clubs, have they read history books, etc. I am psychologically a traveler, and so my experience of most things (e.g. girls) is like a country I have visited briefly and am a stranger in.

I have to disagree with that. Although experience is important for making connections with people, if you can't relate to someone's outlook on the world or their feelings about certain things, then experience is where the connection ends. Sure, experience will give you something to talk about, but it won't necessarily make you like each other.
I hope I haven't misunderstood what you were trying to say there...

Actually, I think that both are pretty important.

I could meet a guy with similar life experiences, but if our personalities aren't compatible, I don't think that there's much chance. Likewise, I could run into a guy who's 20 years younger than me whose personality is a dead-on match with mine, but without some sort of shared life experience we can draw on, we aren't going to be able to relate to one another on anything more than a superficial level.

That may be fine for some people. Hell, some folks think that all they need is physical attraction to make it work. Good luck to 'em.


In a way, I wonder if this gets worse as we get older. Does a larger set of life experiences open to pool to a wider bunch of potential partners or does it limit more? Actually on a bit more thought, I think it can do either, but it depends on my mindset. It depends on whether I want to meet someone with just one or two things in common or ALL of them in common.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I've spoken before of my arbitrary persona - "should I be a prick tonight or a nice guy?" and yet the truth is that all my dichotomies can be explained by that I am *a selfish person who longs to feel*.

Sorry, but could you explain what you mean by that? What has longing to feel got to do with such dichotomy in your persona?

Some poeple are more left brain than right brain.
Left brain people are more logic orianted. Hence therefore
all the bragging about being more intelligent.

The right brain is more emotional or intution oriantated
Emotional intelligents, art, music , mathematics, creativities.

There's software or program to help a person achive a more balance
brain function so that the right and left brain works better in unison.

Women are more emotional intelligent than men becuase of thier brain.
However a male can learn to get in touch with thier emotions simply by
learning how to get in touch with their emotions without the guilt and
shame of society or childhood programing..
Such as boys don't cry...The sense of guilt and shame is deeply
ingrain from earily childhood developement stage. A person will
right out refuse to accept it or keep an openmind.

However there's also other part of the brain. The amfibiam part of the
brain. Phycologist use the term of ego or small brain. Our basic survival
instincts.

Some religion use the term 7 deadly sins...
Zen use the icon or figure of a bull.
A zen master simply implies a person had learn how to master or overcome the ego, small brain or monkey brain.
A zen master riding on the bull on his way home represent this.
Many stories in the Bible bascially say the samething.
In Buddahism..Taking the middle path simply implies dont let your ego get out of control.

Whatever terms..don't get hung up on the terms.

The general population do not take the time to try to understand how the human brain function.
Some dude said "KNOW THYSELF" aeons ago.

Some studies use terms such as; ego, subconcious, consious, superconsious, altraconsious.
JC, Budhad and many other teachers are/were operating at the level of altraconsiousness or awareness.

Control your brain or it'll control you.
Change your thinking change your life.
Teachings such as the Course in mirracle gose into details with a religion over tone..however don't get hung up on the terms
or a different path of obtaining the same goal.

"Nothing real can be threaten"
This simple statment simply imples...LOVE, YOU ARE LOVE.That's what real. Love can not be threaten.
Fears are just illusions the ego generate to retain control.
The ego brain will generate thousands forms of fears to retain control...cunning and baffling.
The first lessons in the Course in Mirracle simply states or gets you to practice.....
"Nothing I see is real". It's to help a person break the delusions or illusions the ego generates.
In the later chapter of the Course " The end of the world"...This simply implies the end of the world
that the ego had been generating. Or a person had made a break through into a higher level of awareness or consiousness.

All of our retrictions or limitations are self impose from programing, conditioning or belive systems.

Being impossible to love is simply a self impose imprisonment or self limitations mindset/lower consiousness
generated by the ego. It's an illusion...that's why it's an illusion...it looks real, smell real, taste real...never
the less it's still an illusion. The ego is cunning, baffling and powerful.

Other teachings such as the Sedona methdoe simply state your are WHOLE and COMPLETE already.
The truth...LOVE that's who we are.
The sedona methdoe simply teaches a person to let go of whatever the ego generate in order to achive
a higher level of awareness without religious over tone.
The Sedona methode makes it so simple...it dosn't wants a person to anylize or try to figure it out.lol
Becuase as soon as you try to figure it out...you're delusional already.lol
Simply just LET GO...

The 12 steps program basically dose the samething with more emphisis on spirituality with the freedom
of religion or lack of religion. " smashing the honeysuckle out of your ego" is a common term use in a 12 step program.

 

[SophiaGrace]

@ SophiaGrace:

I believe that my enemies understand my weaknesses better than my friends do my strengths. I also think that I have much more in common with my enemies, especially in that I am much more likely to clash with them if we are alike. You asked me how they make me feel, and I guess they make me feel like giving in. So while there's pain in that, there's also relief as well.

With regard to your other question, the reason I hurt myself most is because I empathise with the people I hurt, even my enemies. I think you made a lot of assumptions in response ("you self destruct your healthy relationships") and the "be kind to others" is both an over-simplification that breezes past the issues discussed in the entry, as well as containing the inference that I am not kind to a lot of people.

Being kind does not bring love, just as friendship does not bring love. I have plenty of kindness and friendship in my life, but at the same time there is this distance between me and those around me. With regard to both your questions, the key thing is that I am not understood by my friends - some of whom might even think they love me - and that my nature is aligned like a Shakespeare villain, so that despite my good intentions I find it far easier to reduce someone to tears than laughter.

I can more than accept that what i said might've been wrong. I was just trying to understand, not judge, and was trying to give you advice based on my understanding of what you wrote.

I dont have time right now but i'll return soon to add another response.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

What is our nature? It reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the frog, whereby the scorpion's nature brings about the death of both it and the frog - self destructive nature. It's interesting that you say that you find it easy to align yourself with the nature of a Shakespearian villain, which one? I am thinking back to his plays that I remember reading and I thought the fundamental theme of Shakespeare's plays was the 'flaws in character' of the protagonist that brings about his downfall within the context of his environment and relationships.

Maybe some of the character traits you know you have are not villainous in nature but are merely weaknesses you can choose to project, subvert or transmute? You are obviously intelligent and very self-reflective and with the strengths in your character come the balancing traits. As you say you find it easier to reduce someone to tears rather than make them laugh. So you have power to influence and effect others but how you choose to express that power will effect your character through the deep essence of your conscience as a human being.

"It's easy to laugh, it's easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind"

I am not saying that you are not kind or that you are self destructive, more than likely you have aspects of both those and other traits in your personality. I also take note that you say that you empathise with those you hurt which suggests to me that you are not lacking an emotional sense and do possess a conscience. So it begs the question then - Why do you hurt others and invariably yourself then? From what I have read there seems to be a sense of frustration that those that are close to you cannot see the 'whole' you, perhaps it stems from this connection that has fallen short?

Maybe you attack people and relate to your enemies more because it is a defensive mechanism stemming from the fear of being vulnerable?

You say you cried when you played chess and someone tried to 'fish' you. This doesn't sound to me like you are happy with the aspect of yourself that feels 'deadened to banality and immorality'. It sounds like there is something inside you that knows...

"I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does"

I understand what you mean about the feeling that your persona is 'arbitrary', it is the shield you protect yourself with. I have experienced something similar too, and to me it felt that the source was a disconnectedness with the self, more specifically - the heart. Even with no apparent sense of rightness or emotional benefit I would strongly urge you to continue to walk the path of empathy and compassion, behind the banality and the nothingness you know this to be true. The dark heart empties.

"Technically, I am made of steel"

 

[SophiaGrace]

I dont think I couldve made a better reply than P2TP. Well done P2TP n_n

 

[adisonpol]

hi there....

I mean here selfsuficient in a good way, like someone who buys herself flowers if she feels like, spends time with people only because she likes those people whitout any other ulterior reason Cause i am terrified to be thisway(and cannot be any other, only depressed)- because i think people will dislike me if i enjoy myself.
Duty and necessity are the only acceptable reasons to do something or talk to someone. This is the way i was raised.
But i cannot live like this!