Insane Karmic Lovelife

[Phaedron]

Let the tales of tragedy begin!

1. As a child of 12 I said I pretended to like someone for a whole year. Then I wondered why I didn't feel anything real, and by 13 I had moved to a new school and felt something real.

2. My father killed himself when I was 15, it happened in a manner that caused me to blame myself.

3. I met a woman who also had a tragic past, in the sense that her father abused her, and who was rather suicidal herself.

4. The woman betrays me in a severe and savage manner, to the point of years of anguish, suicidal desires, financial ruin, lost hopes, etc.

5. Psychic and spiritual research is done. I am told this woman killed herself in a past life because she couldn't have me. I was skeptical for a while, but I have been made to feel guilty for a suicide, and to crave my own, and to be betrayed and left for dead.

6. Could I really have been such a terrible person? I came into this world feeling with all my heart that a person who betrays someone in love, after the love is well and mutually established, is the most detestable of all.

7. I thought that I too would kill myself, as I was told that she had done, and this situation would reverse and in my next life I would betray her and she'd kill herself again and it would continue on forever. On the other hand I'll probably end up dying anyway, as obamacare law states all americans must be microchipped by no latter then march 2013. I believe in the book of revelation so I expect to die because of that.

8. The situation has changed me. I'm done with love, permanently. Yet I have this feeling I will wind up with a close female friend who falls in love with me, but I won't be able to go there. Then she will kill herself.

9. I'm actually starting to get some kind of sick thrill out of rejecting a woemans advances or rejecting her outright (BEFORE it goes anywhere of course) and so the likeliness of my previous point stands. Moreover my resolve must be tested, to see if I really can deny the next menacing woeman set in my path to completely destroy me.

And so it seems I am not only doomed to be forever alone in matters of love, but to lose all knowledge of my eternal plight and to forever dwell in a neverending loop of karma sorrow and tragedy. Forced Amnesia undoes the convictions of the past leading to repeating the same mistakes, and an upbringing without learning the subtleties of reincarnation is like a noose.

 

[whispers]

I have spent most of my adult life, fixing myself. Going to the root of the problem...past life and genealogy. It is reversable, i have been using visualization to do it. Soul to soul communication is possible,and most of the time you are the one holding on to the karma. So making peace is essential. I find the more i clear my karma i become a better person,i have less fear, hummm i shoul do one for money issues lol, got to be something there. Well if you want more info,let me know.

 

[Phaedron]

haven't had any luck with visualization / attraction, but soul to soul communication is something I seem to be doing. It's hard to explain, but I feel as though I can sort of bounce my entirety off of someone and in the process learn something. I also get the impression it doesn't affect them unless they are spiritually aware. More info is good.

With attraction, it must be that things either grow or decay, he that has will get more, he that doesn't loses even what he has. It's why we become rusty and such. So when there is a seed of something It will grow. It must keep growing for it to manifest physically just as physical illness is a manifestation of something not right on a deeper level. Nevertheless I have a strong sense of what can and cannot work for me, and have found no practical application for this other then increasing the spiritual growth of the qualities which I DO posess.

 

[Ox Blood]

Phaedron, I tell you this as someone who has been through very similar things. It's almost eerie.

You have to let go of that guilt. You can't continue life thinking that if you are in a relationship your partner will end themselves or betray you. That is ultimately a choice that only one sole individual can make, and that responsibility belongs to the one who chooses to end their life. No one else can make that choice. Your father made that choice. And given the age you were at the time, you carry no responsibility in that decision he solely made.


In regard to your former relationship; do you think it's possible that you subconsciously sought someone that was in a depressed state of mind -- similar to your father's? In an attempt to "save" that woman -- much like you would with your father? I only ask because I think I am guilty of doing this... A subconscious way of "undoing" my past and trying to find peace with the guilt I feel-- if that makes sense.

Happiness and balance is within reach, but it does take work of undoing the guilt and destructive patterns that have simply become habits.
If you change those habits, and free yourself from the constraints you confine yourself in... Forgiving others from your past, and most importantly -- Forgiving yourself.
You'll find yourself in a much better place. It won't come easy, and it will take time to break down those barriers. But, it's possible -- only if you open yourself to it and strive for it.

You have the power to stop this cycle -- but you have to be the one to break it.
If choose not to, then yes... In your own words, you will be doomed to be forever alone. And that will be because you dictated your life in that direction.

 

[Phaedron]

I dont think so. Its eeriely synchronistic when I met this person. It was put into my heart to desire love at that point in my life, it was also when I was first learning about reincarnation. So doublely eerie there. What are the odds I would randomly start talking to someone halfway across the country and wind up spending over a year with her? Theres a lot you don't know, and it's too much to try and explainhere.

As for my guilt concerning my father; imagine how you would feel if you woke up right before he killed himself, and he was sitting naked in prayer with the door open, and you thought nothing of it and went back to sleep? Then I wake up the next day to find him dead and suddenly his words the night before "We (or was it you) can clean out my room later tonight." And that he changed his mind and decided to go home on his way to the hospital and was himself unable to speak much due to being dehydrated and mixing alchohol (he was an alchoholic) and nyquil, and having the flue. Also note that it was me who brought home the flue to begin with and my grandmother also died as a result.

So theres no denying it, I became the instrument through which half my family died. I really should have seen it coming. Somehow I felt some fear about approaching him, so I went back to sleep. My father was the kind of man you pretty much left alone and expected to have all the answers and be able to do anything, and that he had sometimes had a mean streak because of the alchoholism. Even so, it's pretty hard to deny such an obvious set up. The more I piece it together, the more I see that the events of my life were heavily planned in the spirit world to set me up for these things.

My father was a to mega therion, and I'm told wanted to get rid of me when I was much younger. Though he became a great friend to me, he named me after the song steven, a very dark song indeed. He was calling down the moon and talking to spirits from when I was 13 and on since moving back in with us. Thats when I became deeper and changed to some extent. It also featured my first strong vision of love after hearing les apocalypse with the blue light on, incense burning, a table full of gaming figures, candles, and learning about things my father was studying such as qabalah, tarot, and the tree of life.

There is a fixed aspect to our lives, and there is peace in knowing ones purpose and ones place; what one is appointed to do and not do. Jesus is a good example; he knew exactly what he had to do every step of the way and firmly understood what he could and could not have. It was not his place to start a family either... If you seek after things which aren't meant for you, it will only lead to error, just as in Eden. Thats what I've learned.

 

[Ox Blood]

Well, Phaedron -- You're right, I don't know your entire life story.
I still don't think you carry responsibility for any of it. You were young.
I find it heart-breaking that you are putting yourself through future torment by clinging to that guilt.
However, you seem very set in your beliefs, so I won't debate with you.

I truly hope that one day you're able to reach some state of peace with the things that have happened in your life.
My heart goes out to you that you had to suffer through them at all.

 

[Phaedron]

I think we're both right, because theres always two sides, and both will be true no matter how you try to slice it. You take the good and the bad. The universe is best at being something different then itself: change. It is always two things, but we always want to see one thing. We want it to be one way, and so we argue on behalf of that way, but it's like arguing over which side of a coin is the true side, all the while the coin is going to keep getting tossed.

 

[whispers]

I also beleive we have a set path, but i think that is our challenge. For our souls to evolve we need to find a way to get past the challanges of our lives , and we will relive it until we find the way to do it.
So you dont have to take this situation as set in stone, you do have the option to change it, if you choose too.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Phaedron, I think you're being too harsh on yourself here, judging yourself as a bad person and so on.

You've clearly been exposed to a lot of highly unpleasant events in life, and they're bound to have an effect on you. However, that's no reason to think that there's any correlation to you as a person.

I think perhaps those issues are too complex to address here though - have you ever talked to someone professional about them?

Also, it's really nice to read something about you as opposed to something you've read!

 

[crowtching tiger]

You're blaming your self way to much bro. Your just on the roller coaster and are along for the ride. All you need to do is sit back, have a couple brews, smoke a cigar or two, and listen to some Biggie Smalls.