Just me typing out loud.

[blackdot]

This is not a rant. It's more of just me sitting at work trying to get my mind off not having a social life.



There are things that having been picking at me for many many years.

First off, I always hated when I would see someone say, "you're still young. You have plenty of time left." It's as if they are saying "don't worry, everything will happen at some point." What they seem to leave out is that things may never work out.

People use that as a statement for anything when people say they have never done something. Whatever it may be. Instead of having a solution, they just say that everything will happen one day and to stop worrying about it.

For example, I frequently see people here say that they haven't dated anyone and it's bothering them. I didn't start getting hit by it until my late-20's when I started to realize I was getting close to being ready to start dating.
It seems that things go sort of like this.

Person: "I'm 15 and I don't know how to find someone to date!"
Repliers: "You are too young to be worrying about relationships. You can worry about that when you are older."

Person: "I'm 20 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "You are still very young. Don't worry about it. You have plenty of time. Enjoy your life."

Person: "I'm 25 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "You are still young. You still have plenty of time to figure it all out. Don't worry. It will all happen in due time."

Person: "I'm 30 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "Oh, you shouldn't be worrying about figuring that out. Some people just find someone later in life. Just keep going out there and searching. You will find someone."

Person: "I'm 35 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "There's plenty of people out there your age that would find you are great person. Just get out there and find that special someone. You aren't old yet."

Person: "I'm 40 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "Ok, you are getting old. Have you thought about giving up and just being happy with being alone?"



Another thing that nags me is that people think feeling lonely and being depressed are the same thing. I have finally gotten my mom to agree that there is a difference even if she still disagrees.

Since I never have figured out how people find others to communicate with, I frequently feel very lonely and left out. People tell me I just need to go to a doctor and get medication so I can be happy. So far no one has been able to tell me what a doctor or medication has to do with finding people to hang out with. I'm quite sure we haven't gotten to the point in medicine that a pill can magically create another individual. I'm guessing if they gave just the right meds I could get split personalities and then I could spend my time talking to all the different personalities.
I'm thinking that from now on whenever someone says that they are unhappy about something, I will tell them to go see a doctor. I'll see if their own "medicine" works on them.

It's just as bad when it comes to trying to find someone to date. Right now it's the only thing I'm looking for. I have everything else. People keep telling me to just enjoy life and not worry about dating. Unfortunately I won't enjoy life until I can find someone to date. They then tell me to go to a doctor. I ask them, "do you know one that is single, my age, and looking to date?" So far, no one has come back with a response to that one.

Basically people are telling me that I will never figure out how to date so I just need to go get medication so I can be forced "happy" about my life. Unfortunately "forced" happiness is not real happiness.



Even worse is that the extremely autistic guy at work gets a kick out of the fact that I can't find a date. He loves to shout to the floor that I need to find someone to date. Almost as bad as the guy I worked with that one day started dragging woman after woman over to my desk and then telling them that I don't know how to date and I'm a virgin and that they need to give me advise on how to date. Every one of them gave me terrible advise. Then I found out every one of them had been divorced at least once and hated men.

 

[Edward W]

I get your point, fair point to make.

Have you tried dating sites? Not saying it's the answer, but if you haven't it's worth a shot.

 

[ucxb]

I feel you blackdot, one must be prepared to talk about their status with others and bare all sorts of questions as well as advice on curing their worry...

 

[duff]

This is not a rant. It's more of just me sitting at work trying to get my mind off not having a social life.



There are things that having been picking at me for many many years.

First off, I always hated when I would see someone say, "you're still young. You have plenty of time left." It's as if they are saying "don't worry, everything will happen at some point." What they seem to leave out is that things may never work out.

People use that as a statement for anything when people say they have never done something. Whatever it may be. Instead of having a solution, they just say that everything will happen one day and to stop worrying about it.

For example, I frequently see people here say that they haven't dated anyone and it's bothering them. I didn't start getting hit by it until my late-20's when I started to realize I was getting close to being ready to start dating.
It seems that things go sort of like this.

Person: "I'm 15 and I don't know how to find someone to date!"
Repliers: "You are too young to be worrying about relationships. You can worry about that when you are older."

Person: "I'm 20 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "You are still very young. Don't worry about it. You have plenty of time. Enjoy your life."

Person: "I'm 25 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "You are still young. You still have plenty of time to figure it all out. Don't worry. It will all happen in due time."

Person: "I'm 30 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "Oh, you shouldn't be worrying about figuring that out. Some people just find someone later in life. Just keep going out there and searching. You will find someone."

Person: "I'm 35 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "There's plenty of people out there your age that would find you are great person. Just get out there and find that special someone. You aren't old yet."

Person: "I'm 40 and I don't know how to find someone date!"
Repliers: "Ok, you are getting old. Have you thought about giving up and just being happy with being alone?"



Another thing that nags me is that people think feeling lonely and being depressed are the same thing. I have finally gotten my mom to agree that there is a difference even if she still disagrees.

Since I never have figured out how people find others to communicate with, I frequently feel very lonely and left out. People tell me I just need to go to a doctor and get medication so I can be happy. So far no one has been able to tell me what a doctor or medication has to do with finding people to hang out with. I'm quite sure we haven't gotten to the point in medicine that a pill can magically create another individual. I'm guessing if they gave just the right meds I could get split personalities and then I could spend my time talking to all the different personalities.
I'm thinking that from now on whenever someone says that they are unhappy about something, I will tell them to go see a doctor. I'll see if their own "medicine" works on them.

It's just as bad when it comes to trying to find someone to date. Right now it's the only thing I'm looking for. I have everything else. People keep telling me to just enjoy life and not worry about dating. Unfortunately I won't enjoy life until I can find someone to date. They then tell me to go to a doctor. I ask them, "do you know one that is single, my age, and looking to date?" So far, no one has come back with a response to that one.

Basically people are telling me that I will never figure out how to date so I just need to go get medication so I can be forced "happy" about my life. Unfortunately "forced" happiness is not real happiness.



Even worse is that the extremely autistic guy at work gets a kick out of the fact that I can't find a date. He loves to shout to the floor that I need to find someone to date. Almost as bad as the guy I worked with that one day started dragging woman after woman over to my desk and then telling them that I don't know how to date and I'm a virgin and that they need to give me advise on how to date. Every one of them gave me terrible advise. Then I found out every one of them had been divorced at least once and hated men.

it sounds like a rant

 

[perfanoff]

"Even worse is that the extremely autistic guy at work gets a kick out of the fact that I can't find a date. He loves to shout to the floor that I need to find someone to date. Almost as bad as the guy I worked with that one day started dragging woman after woman over to my desk and then telling them that I don't know how to date and I'm a virgin and that they need to give me advise on how to date. Every one of them gave me terrible advise. Then I found out every one of them had been divorced at least once and hated men."

Haha, who does that..

Anyway, the only unsolicited advice on dating I would be receptive to would be by the person I am dating at the time.

 

[Tuppence]

I think you're never too old to date, but being told that doesn't really change the way you're feeling right now.

I think it's possible anti-depressants or maybe anti-anxiety medication might have an indirect effect.

If your mood/confidence is lifted, you might find it easier to talk to other people. Obviously, this doesn't always work. It didn't for me. But it does work for other people, and maybe it's worth trying.

I haven't heard of social groups for lonely people, but there are social groups for people with depression and other mental health problems. You might find someone there.

Even if it doesn't work, you'll have proved it doesn't work to all the people who are insiting it will. It can seem like a stupid waste of time to do something you don't think will work, but it might shut them up if you try it.

The guy at work sounds embarrassing. He might think he's being really helpful, but it must be awful.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm sorry you're surrounded by such people blackdot. *hugs*

You're right though, there is nothing much that can be said to make one feel better about their non-existent dating life. And as one gets older, it gets harder and harder to even believe it can happen. I guess the key thing is to not give up. Yeah, you never know what will happen, will you find the one or not.. will it ever happen or not. But because no one really knows, why don't you take chances.. rather than give up on it?

Although, there are people who decide to really give up and let it go. That's their own choice to make.

 

[Veruca]

Hey blackdot

I really can relate to this. People used to tell me the same thing, and now that I'm older they say other things like, "Its okay, at least you can work on your career" or "Having your freedom is not the worst thing"

Lately, I've been struggling too with having to accept that I may end up alone and for awhile I felt bitter and depressed. But I'm trying to shift my focus to other things in my life that I've always loved and wanted to do. By no means is that the same, I think its safe to say a part of me will always feel alone and sad, but I don't want that to take over my whole life.

And I try to remind myself that its better late than never. If I meet someone wonderful much, much later in life then that's okay too.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it sucks so bad, you can still try to enjoy the other great things about life you know?

 

[Limlim]

I thought happiness was just a chemical triggered in your brain by stimuli you find pleasant. If a pill can give you that same reaction wouldn't that be real happiness? Or more importantly, if you think you're happy from a pill you could argue you wouldn't be unhappy because then it would be a physical impossibility.

Though on a further serious note, part of the point of the pill might be that the artificial happiness might help break down other metal barriers that are hindering you socially in finding said real happiness. At which point once found, you could cease the medication.

 

[perfanoff]

Good point Limlim.
The emotion of happiness is irrelevant by itself. This is a mistake many young people make.

 

[Smokey]

I hear you man,

But you know, there is a lot to be said for being single and happy. For me, loneliness mainly falls into 2 categories....1 an inability to connect or express yourself to others... or 2, too strong a desire to be accepted or loved...both can be major blockages in just being '' you ''

I gave up trying to impress people a long time ago and with it, my desire or need to find someone to settle down with... if it happens it happens if it doesnt it doesn't either way, i still got me, I am still here and I can do whatever i want to do whenever i want to do it....there are pro's and cons in everything, i just ry to stick with the pro's more.

 

[duff]

I hear you man,

But you know, there is a lot to be said for being single and happy. For me, loneliness mainly falls into 2 categories....1 an inability to connect or express yourself to others... or 2, too strong a desire to be accepted or loved...both can be major blockages in just being '' you ''

I gave up trying to impress people a long time ago and with it, my desire or need to find someone to settle down with... if it happens it happens if it doesnt it doesn't either way, i still got me, I am still here and I can do whatever i want to do whenever i want to do it....there are pro's and cons in everything, i just ry to stick with the pro's more.

well said. I'm single and happy !
I like my freedom !

 

[blackdot]

coming back to this thread after a short hiatus from the board.

I don't have a problem with interacting with people (well unless they are attractive females at which point I lock up and hide). People actually enjoy having me around because I can always make everyone laugh. A pill won't solve meeting people because it's not unhappiness that keeps me from meeting people. It's that I can't find a date that keeps me from finding people.

Until I can date, I can't do things like go out on trips or go to stores and stuff like that. All I see are people who have someone else. And since single women don't date, I'm sort of stuck.

I do force myself to go volunteer and community service events but I'm not going to make friends that way. Most of the people spend the entire time chatting on their phones with other people they already know. You have to literally place your hand over their phone to get them to realize you are standing a foot from their face.

I'm finding that on dating websites, unless you were out dating in your teens-20's, you are out of luck. The women left on those sites in their 30's don't have any interest in dating. If they did they would already be married. They just want to e-mail sort messages to people very rarely but not have actual conversations. And getting them to meet in person is insanely hard to do. Most are "too busy" which unfortunately is why they go to dating websites in the first place.

I used to be happy being single but once I got into my 30's, I was tired of it. Freedom is great until you get tired of having the freedom to just sit around playing Solitaire.

 

[theraab]

coming back to this thread after a short hiatus from the board.

I don't have a problem with interacting with people (well unless they are attractive females at which point I lock up and hide). People actually enjoy having me around because I can always make everyone laugh. A pill won't solve meeting people because it's not unhappiness that keeps me from meeting people. It's that I can't find a date that keeps me from finding people.

Until I can date, I can't do things like go out on trips or go to stores and stuff like that. All I see are people who have someone else. And since single women don't date, I'm sort of stuck.

I do force myself to go volunteer and community service events but I'm not going to make friends that way. Most of the people spend the entire time chatting on their phones with other people they already know. You have to literally place your hand over their phone to get them to realize you are standing a foot from their face.

I'm finding that on dating websites, unless you were out dating in your teens-20's, you are out of luck. The women left on those sites in their 30's don't have any interest in dating. If they did they would already be married. They just want to e-mail sort messages to people very rarely but not have actual conversations. And getting them to meet in person is insanely hard to do. Most are "too busy" which unfortunately is why they go to dating websites in the first place.

I used to be happy being single but once I got into my 30's, I was tired of it. Freedom is great until you get tired of having the freedom to just sit around playing Solitaire.

Freedom to do what you want and having no one to share it with is pretty much what loneliness is.

I'm kind of surprised that you find women in their 30s on dating sites unwilling to date - maybe it is the sites that you are on. You might try eharmony - women on there seem more serious and tend to be looking to settle down.

 

[blackdot]

I'm kind of surprised that you find women in their 30s on dating sites unwilling to date - maybe it is the sites that you are on. You might try eharmony - women on there seem more serious and tend to be looking to settle down.

The sites I have used:

Chemistry: This site is a piece of junk.

eHarmony: The site has improved a lot recently, the women on the other hand just do not send messages or replies. I think they site is nothing but fake accounts. Some are just there for brief periods when eHarmony offers a free weekend. I know one person on Match that would do that. She would go on eHarmony for the free weekends and then not go back on there once it went pay again.

Match: I love this site but I have now let my account time out. Women will contact me on this one and they will reply to my messages. But most have no interest in dating and the few that are are too busy looking for "the one".

POF: I'm currently still on this site. I can get women to e-mail but most have no interest in meeting people in person. I can get them to talk a lot but as soon as you mention meeting in person they freak out. That's when they drop the info that they have no interest in dating people.

 

[RB46]

My experience with dating sites is that they make you feel worse. If I was feeling cynical I would point out that the dating website owner makes more money, the more people feel more lonely. If I owned a dating website I would be tempted to have it designed in a way to encourage those feelings.

 

[blackdot]

I just had a rhyming moment while at work and let things spew out onto notepad for about 5 minutes. Figured I would just paste it here in my own thread.


I'm sorry that I'm lonely.
I'm sorry that I'm sad.
I'm sorry for missing
what I've never had.

I wish I could be happy
with being all alone.
But every time I wake up
it's the same pain I've always known.

It's torture knowing that
there's no one there to talk.
There no one there to laugh
there no one there with to walk.

You'd think in all my years
I would have found some easy way
to find a few good friends
to talk to in some way.

But all I seem to find
are busy people with no time.
Or at least that's what they tell me
as if talking is some crime.

I'm by myself in the day.
I'm alone at night in bed.
What really is the difference
of what's now and when I'm one day dead?

I'm sure if there's a God somewhere
he'll laugh when I finally meet my doom.
He'll lock me away from everyone
alone in some dark basement room.

This silence goes on and on.
How long will it continue to go?
The answer seems to elude me
as no one seems to know.