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user 139760

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I actually hesitated for a little while between posting this in loneliness, depression or suicide. But it doesn't quite fit in all of it yet kind of includes all of it. I don't know, maybe I finally went over the edge and went insane. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. I mean, I don't FEEL insane, in fact I too often for my taste think everyone else is, but does the insane man think about being insane or does he even realize it? I'm sure there's some undercover narcissism in there somewhere.
This is probably going to be a doozy, be forwarned. I haven't spoken to anyone about any of this in a long time. If ever.
So, basically, at age 38, my life is over. My life has been over for quite some time now. I don't really "live" life in the normal sense of the term. I "ghost" through life maybe, or I survive life. The last time I was actually happy and not giving everyone what they wanted by "showing them how happy I was", I can't even remember it anymore. Probably when my second daughter was born. She's 8, almost 9 now. That's a long time not to have something to be happy with.

Okay, first things first, I'm a genius. Now now, before I get called arrogant (which, ironically, I'm usually the opposite off lol), it's not me; I was told I was, a long time ago, when I was in 2nd year of school. Kindergarden and the first year of school was really bad for me, and my dad took it upon himself, knowing how good I really was yet how utterly intellectually lazy I was, to whup me up like a drill sergent so I excelled. Which I did. Until college, I passed classes sleeping, barely studying yet getting scores everywhere. This led to a test I barely remember, back when I was in 3rd grade, an intelligence test, which my province used to do. I supposedly scored 165, which would make me genius-level intellect. Which I never really ascribed to that much, considering I always thought those tests only shows you how intelligent you are according to THOSE tests, not as a whole, but moving on. They were at least correct enough in that I was always the best at everything I did and never had to work hard for it. I just "had it". Life was peachy.

When I got to college, though, things began to get harder. Puberty kicked in and I was spending more time at the gym and chasing girls than I was studying. Got into roleplaying games, Dungeons and Dragons, beer nights and dark theatres in no time. Enough so that I decided, 3 courses from finishing my college degree, to take a temporary hiatus. That's pretty much when things started going downhill. I was maybe 19 years of age.

I was working at the time at a local shop, where I met this girl. It wasn't that we were in love, I know she was, but she kind of got to me through insistance; we were together for 3 years. The first one was good, but the last two degenerated in to what could only be qualified as a love/hate relationship; it was us taking turns at driving the other one man. I eventually left her because I couldn't tolerate some very disturbing character flaws, but not until we had a daughter. A sweet, beautiful, divine, intelligent daughter.

However, in order to see my daughter, I had to pay child support. I don't know elsewhere how much it costs, but here, costs a bundle. Can easily go almost half your salary. If you're on minimal wage, it's actually more than half. For one, though, it wasn't that much. It was suddenly a lot harder to pay rent, but I got by. I lived in a small 3 room appartment that was decent enough, by myself. Had a few relationships after that, most notable one that was incredibly abusive (and believe it or not, I was the abused, who ended up getting so distraught I slugged her, then spent over 1 year single wondering if I was an abuser or not), one dating the best angel on the planet and me hurting her so bad I can never forgive myself for it, and dating my best friend, that was a very big mistake on my part, who ended up cheating on me and leaving me, something I've never recovered from. It's made me emotionally detached, although that was already underway well into my teens, for reasons unknown to me.

During that time, I had a second daughter, with my ex, the mother of my first. It was written I guess, because we both used protection and when mine didn't work, I was told "don't worry, nothing is going to happen". Then boom. Of course, me being not a big fan of abortion, we had a second daughter and I started paying a second child support amount. That's when crap really started hitting the fan.
During the intervening 8 years, I had to move to an appartment I've hated since day 1, the only one I can afford, that's literally a roach-infested dump where I had all the problems in the world you can have in a house, compacted into one (ceiling caving in, birds in dryer exhaust, aforementionned cockroaches, squirrels, ants, you name it) which I all had to pay for despite not actually having money for it, because the landlord didn't give a flying broomstick. I had the displeasure of having my ex go on welfare, which upped my child support up to the point where I no longer make enough to pay the regular bills AND eat, so I'm doing the same thing as in college, eating Mac & Cheese a lot. Crying. In the kitchen. With all the lights on, in case I get eaten by tiny little critters...
I spend my life, maybe 5 years a shot, in different companies working mostly as admin support. Right now I'm working for lawyers. Somedays, I don't even know what I'm doing here, I wanted to get away from a desk and enter security, or even manual labour, but the money's not as good and if I win less, I'll have to declare bankrupcy (which ironically, doesn't stop child support from demanding money from you, with interests). I'm so burned out by the financial aspects of it, not to mention the fact that my ex just declared my youngest daughter, whom I feel she thoroghly botched her education and I wasn't able to recuperate it, as being ADHD when the kid isn't, at roughly the same time her son she had with ANOTHER dude got declared autistic. Which, lo and behold, gives her access to more ressources and money from welfare. I don't know her to be that way, but people have suggested she did it intentionally just to get more. I don't know anymore.

As for me, well...since I'm only paying basic amenities anymore, in the last decade I've pretty much let myself go, becaue I can't afford anything else. My teeth are a mess from not going to the dentist in a decade and I had already problem with them before because of an accident way younger. Gone is the once proud physique I was building because I had hopes of doing pro-wrestling just for kicks, but couldn't afford the gym any longer. I started smoking around the time my first daughter was born, which is the only thing I feel I still have control over my life, but don't want to quit, because I feel I'll go insane and try to kill someone if I don't have control over ONE thing in my life. Also, considering everyone badgers me to quit, it's the last thing I want to do. Since I do little exercise and now only eat once a day to save money, I've lost quite some weight, but not the right, healthy way and certain parts of my body have started hurting me on a regular basis. Considering the living conditions too, I've developed regular allergy symptoms that can only be quelled with reactine now, which I take regularly yet never did when I still was training.
I can barely afford clothes and buy most on sale at dollar stores and the like, occasionally Wallmarts when it's cheap. Most of it is blank. Don't own a cellphone, don't have the internet, don't have cable tv.

As for meeting new people, or girls....I'm condensing much of the above, but do you have any idea how bitter, and horrid, and depressed, and mean, and just unenjoyable the above makes me? I mean, hell of a genius, huh? Apparently enough to be a good actor and hide this from practically everyone I know, about how I think about putting a bullet through my brain roughly everyday for at least the last 6 years, but I can't, for 2 major reason; one, I promised my mother never to inflict that of losing a child to her and I never break a promise, secundo being it'll probably hurt like hell and I don't think there's anywhere we actually do when it's over. So I'm not in a hurry. But discards those two little things and I would have done it a long, long time ago, just to end this unending battle just to eat properly and stay sane, which I profoundly feel like I've been steadily losing.

So meeting someone? Someone who isn't superficial, who'll see all that and care instead of being thoroughly repulsed by everything she sees, not just the physical but ,most importantly, the psychological side of who I am? Most of the girls who's eyes I meet get a look of horror so terryfying it it makes me blink sometimes. I carefully try to avoid mirrors not to see whatever it is they see. It's left me very bitter and very alone. Often enough, I hoped and tried different measures to make things change, but I have come to the realisation that money does indeed run the world and without it, I don't amount to anything. Every time I tell that to someone they tell me I'm wrong of course, but then, each and everyone of them then leaves for a restaurant at 80 dollars a cover, or go see a movie, or a play, or take a trip, while I go back home eating a frozen pizza or mac & cheese while paranoying about roaches.....so I'm kind of numbed to the counter-arguments. Life is devoid of any type of pleasure anymore and filled with an entirety of pain. Other things are happening, but if I start now I'll write 12 pages, if I'm not at that already.

And why am I telling all this? Just because I need to get it out. I don't know why. It's not like I'm going to go do anything stupid, even though I've thought about it once every hour or so, it's not like I'm actually going to get help, a roomate who decides to split costs with me and we move into his or her appartment out of nowhere, or a girl who shows up to pick back up whatever shambles of broken rock now remain of where once stood my heart. It's not like I'm going to win at the lottery, inherit a house, have a freebie done by a dentist, have a chiropractor treat me, have someone give me a free year in a gym. There's nothing really left to do but with till my heart just stops. I don't know what will get it first. But it still feels good writing it and sharing it with the annonimity of the internet.

When I used to be involved in gang problems (other chapter, different life), I used to keep a journal, hoping for a better tomorrow. So how come it went from bad to worse? Fighting dudes for moronic reasons had at least the advantage of being easy. Life is....really evil. That's the only word I can find. She's really, REALLY evil. Or he, let's not discriminate.

Alright, so enough. You who still is here right now, I salute you. You're either at the same place I am in life, or you're really bored. I hope for your sake it's the latter, because the former isn't something I'd wish on my worst ennemy. And I used to have a lot of ennemies.
 
Did you ever have a paternity test done for your second kid?

Im sorry you got involved with what sounds like a deadbeat mother. She ruined your life. Your story will help many.

You can claw your way out. Child support isn't forever. You can get a better income. Make it not hit you as hard. You just need to see a path out and set it as a goal and figure out how to get there.

In the mean time have you considered getting a vasectomy? Or at least not ******* your ex anymore?
 
kamya said:
That happened ONCE in the last 10 years. Not on a regular basis. Suffice it to say, I've not "messed" anyone since that time. Just someone brushing up against me now makes me uncomfortable and shy away.
Oh, I'll claw my way out alright. If I'm lucky, I'll be 48 when in stops. If I'm not, I'll be around 54. With no retirement fund, no nothing. So I'll probably work until I die and I'll have lost the best years in my life. So, all in all, this judgement, and I blame the governement and their money making, welfare-paying schemes much more than I blame my ex actually, was more or less a death sentence. Or at least a misery one.

I'm not getting a vasectomy. No need for it when you don't use it. I was already big on not using it before. All of this simply shed the problem in a different light.
Oh and no need for a paternity test. When you see me next to my kids, there's no doubt. Also, paternity tests costs 1000 dollars here. I don't have that kind of money.
 
Sorry to hear about how hard things are for you right now, Richard. I'm very lucky in my situation right now despite the fact that I am unemployed although there are some downsides I don't have the worries that you do. It sounds like you just get involved with the wrong sort of girls. Right now I am trying to find a job in a law firm too, due to my background, but I have had a lot of time to reflect on that statement that you made that "money is what really matters in the world" or something to that effect. The idea of somehow getting out of debt is daunting to me, let alone successful. Like kamya said, you need to claw your way out of it.
I lost my last job due to health reasons, and while I thought many times of opening a gofundme account or something to help pay for the bills, I have refrained, and luckily I found out that my two remaining bills they billed the wrong insurance and luckily now they are billing the correct insurance and I might get some money back. I do some work now for my father, but I don't get paid much, and I don't have a lot of money for food usually, so I eat basically the same thing every day. It's hard when you don't have any money to enjoy the simple things that others take for granted in life. Hopefully you can work yourself to a better position so that you can make enough in order to pay for child support and more. Wishing you luck...
 
Your life is not over, unless you let it be. You can overcome what you are going through, if you want it bad enough and work hard enough.

The paragraph about you being a genius sounds a lot like my son, so while I don't know how it is to be a genius, I understand the struggles. I also agree with you about the testing. He also didn't do well in the first year, but that was because of the school he was going to. Apparently, the teachers didn't like it much when a 5 year old corrected you. lol I didn't have to drill him to be better, I just changed his school and he started to excel. That's where he got his test. Anyway, enough about me me me....this is about you, you, you. :p

Where I live, child support goes by how much you make and the circumstances of the other parent. I get a pretty good chunk of change from my ex, but that's because he makes a lot. However, he still makes more in one week than I get in child support for a month. They also can't take more than half of your check. When he's on unemployment, I do get half of his check, but that's only because he owes me back child support.
What are the basics of child support where you are? Does it work the way it does here or is there some kind of set amount that HAS to be paid regardless?
It's not hard at all to believe you were abused. Men get it, probably nearly as much as women do. There's a difference between being an abuser and defending yourself. Everyone makes a mistake and hitting one person, regardless of their gender, doesn't make you an abuser.

Is there no other field you can get into that would give you more money? Maybe find some grants or something and go back to college while working. Night classes or online classes?

You don't need a gym to exercise, you just need to be creative. Use cans or water jugs as weights if you don't have any. Run in place instead of using a treadmill. Or make a game of it and run around your apartment seeing how many creepy crawlies you can kill in one lap.

Is there any way you can find a roommate and get a better place? You would be living with someone, but splitting the bills would probably allow you to have a better place. It kind of seems like where you are living, the conditions of it are a lot of your problems. Like you're ashamed of it and yourself. So I think if you are able to find a way out of there, you would be more motivated to get back on track, feel less depressed and all that.
I don't think the women you mentioned are looking at you in horror, maybe on of your many....pets...hitched a ride?

I don't think you're insane, just stuck. You need to find a way out of your rut. You need to start exercising and training again. You need a better place to live and a better job. What I got out of all of what you wrote is that you are ashamed of yourself. There's always a way out, you just have to look in places you haven't looked before. Find something you haven't found yet. Please don't tell me you've looked everywhere and there's nothing, because I know that's not true. No one has looked everywhere, no one has tried everything, it just feels that way to them. You can get out of the situation you are in. Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. Switch it up, take control.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Your life is not over, unless you let it be.  You can overcome what you are going through, if you want it bad enough and work hard enough.  Oh, I don't believe in that anymore, I wish I still did. I worked hard and long to get here and it's still not enough and while seeing plenty of undeserving people who were basically jerks go far ahead in life, I can't bring myself to get back there. I try, but it's not working. I'm just really tired now.

The paragraph about you being a genius sounds a lot like my son, so while I don't know how it is to be a genius, I understand the struggles.  I also agree with you about the testing.  He also didn't do well in the first year, but that was because of the school he was going to.  Apparently, the teachers didn't like it much when a 5 year old corrected you. lol  I didn't have to drill him to be better, I just changed his school and he started to excel.  That's where he got his test.  Anyway, enough about me me me....this is about you, you, you.  ::p LOL Honestly, it helps me when things are about others rather than me. See, I suffer from the Superman syndrome; I keep trying to save the world. Sadly, that means there's no one around to save me. I started off bad at school, because my teachers didn't understand at the time that to get to five, I didn't need 2 3 and 4, just 1. But by the time I got to 3rd grade, I had ajusted and was the only one in the history of the school to score 100% on everything for an entire year. Thus the test. My dad was told I should skip 4th and 5th, because I'd get bored, but after being told just one year before that I should take 2nd grade again, my dad figured the public school system was full of idiots, flipped them all off and I went through normal curriculum lol. Although, I'm getting older and lazy and forgetful, so it's starting to show.

Where I live, child support goes by how much you make and the circumstances of the other parent.  I get a pretty good chunk of change from my ex, but that's because he makes a lot.  However, he still makes more in one week than I get in child support for a month.  They also can't take more than half of your check.  When he's on unemployment, I do get half of his check, but that's only because he owes me back child support.  
What are the basics of child support where you are?  Does it work the way it does here or is there some kind of set amount that HAS to be paid regardless?
It's not hard at all to believe you were abused.  Men get it, probably nearly as much as women do.  There's a difference between being an abuser and defending yourself.  Everyone makes a mistake and hitting one person, regardless of their gender, doesn't make you an abuser.  In theory it's roughly the same here. In practice however, since my ex is on welfare I pay more because it's assumed she has zero revenu and I am responsible 100. That's not counting the cost of life, either. On one paycheck, two per month, I make roughly 650 dollars CAD with child support taken off. Rent is 600, hydro, my two credit cards, phone and hot water tank 400 total. I have the rest to go by, which is about 300 a month. That's about 75 a week. So I eat lean, make very inexpensive gifts to my kids which are the only source of happiness I got left. And I'm trying to continue smoking. Because, like I said, control lol. But I can sometimes go by a week without.

Is there no other field you can get into that would give you more money?  Maybe find some grants or something and go back to college while working. Night classes or online classes?  I'm working on saving money to pay security classes. Hopefully that pans out, I could keep this job and work weekends elsewhere than the store I'm working at 1 weekend out of two.

You don't need a gym to exercise, you just need to be creative.  Use cans or water jugs as weights if you don't have any.  Run in place instead of using a treadmill.  Or make a game of it and run around your apartment seeing how many creepy crawlies you can kill in one lap. I know, but I do. One of the benefits of being alone for a decade is a lot of time to ponder who you are. One of my biggest flaws is laziness. I have an xbox at home. When I look at my weighs, then the box, who do you think wins? ;-) I exercise maybe 15-20 minutes in the morning. Far from enough.

Is there any way you can find a roommate and get a better place?  You would be living with someone, but splitting the bills would probably allow you to have a better place.  It kind of seems like where you are living, the conditions of it are a lot of your problems.  Like you're ashamed of it and yourself.  So I think if you are able to find a way out of there, you would be more motivated to get back on track, feel less depressed and all that.  
I don't think the women you mentioned are looking at you in horror, maybe on of your many....pets...hitched a ride? LOL God no. It's a recent problem, it's just the one that made the gasket blow, on top of the rest. The thing is, these last few years have started really showing in my eyes. People don't look at them long. I don't either. I always felt eyes are the portal to people's souls. If I have one, it must look pretty tortured and banged up. I think people see that when I get really serious instead of clowning around. So I clown around and don't show them who I really am.

I don't think you're insane, just stuck.  You need to find a way out of your rut.  You need to start exercising and training again.  You need a better place to live and a better job.  What I got out of all of what you wrote is that you are ashamed of yourself.  There's always a way out, you just have to look in places you haven't looked before.  Find something you haven't found yet.  Please don't tell me you've looked everywhere and there's nothing, because I know that's not true.  No one has looked everywhere, no one has tried everything, it just feels that way to them.   You can get out of the situation you are in.  Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  Switch it up, take control.
Thank you for all your words. I'm working on it, thing is, I been working on it for 15 years. Always something happens, sometimes it's an error on my part, often it's accidental, unavoidable happen stance. My mom is actually pretty sad for me and helps me a lot, she think I'm cursed or something LOL. Good ole mom. She's pretty much the only close friend I talk to on a regular basis, besides my daughters. But the not having anyone is starting to get heavy. Even though I can hardly envision getting back "on the market" again. It's just so...superficial.

Thank you all for your time. Much obliged ;-)
Nota bene, the day I stop paying child support and live in a FREAKING Loft with a talking ******* fridge and a huge HD tV, you're all invited and we'll drink until we don't knw what **** planet we're on ;-)
 
Richard_39 said:
TheRealCallie said:
Your life is not over, unless you let it be.  You can overcome what you are going through, if you want it bad enough and work hard enough.  Oh, I don't believe in that anymore, I wish I still did. I worked hard and long to get here and it's still not enough and while seeing plenty of undeserving people who were basically jerks go far ahead in life, I can't bring myself to get back there. I try, but it's not working. I'm just really tired now.

The paragraph about you being a genius sounds a lot like my son, so while I don't know how it is to be a genius, I understand the struggles.  I also agree with you about the testing.  He also didn't do well in the first year, but that was because of the school he was going to.  Apparently, the teachers didn't like it much when a 5 year old corrected you. lol  I didn't have to drill him to be better, I just changed his school and he started to excel.  That's where he got his test.  Anyway, enough about me me me....this is about you, you, you.  ::p LOL Honestly, it helps me when things are about others rather than me. See, I suffer from the Superman syndrome; I keep trying to save the world. Sadly, that means there's no one around to save me. I started off bad at school, because my teachers didn't understand at the time that to get to five, I didn't need 2 3 and 4, just 1. But by the time I got to 3rd grade, I had ajusted and was the only one in the history of the school to score 100% on everything for an entire year. Thus the test. My dad was told I should skip 4th and 5th, because I'd get bored, but after being told just one year before that I should take 2nd grade again, my dad figured the public school system was full of idiots, flipped them all off and I went through normal curriculum lol. Although, I'm getting older and lazy and forgetful, so it's starting to show.

Where I live, child support goes by how much you make and the circumstances of the other parent.  I get a pretty good chunk of change from my ex, but that's because he makes a lot.  However, he still makes more in one week than I get in child support for a month.  They also can't take more than half of your check.  When he's on unemployment, I do get half of his check, but that's only because he owes me back child support.  
What are the basics of child support where you are?  Does it work the way it does here or is there some kind of set amount that HAS to be paid regardless?
It's not hard at all to believe you were abused.  Men get it, probably nearly as much as women do.  There's a difference between being an abuser and defending yourself.  Everyone makes a mistake and hitting one person, regardless of their gender, doesn't make you an abuser.  In theory it's roughly the same here. In practice however, since my ex is on welfare I pay more because it's assumed she has zero revenu and I am responsible 100. That's not counting the cost of life, either. On one paycheck, two per month, I make roughly 650 dollars CAD with child support taken off. Rent is 600, hydro, my two credit cards, phone and hot water tank 400 total. I have the rest to go by, which is about 300 a month. That's about 75 a week. So I eat lean, make very inexpensive gifts to my kids which are the only source of happiness I got left. And I'm trying to continue smoking. Because, like I said, control lol. But I can sometimes go by a week without.

Is there no other field you can get into that would give you more money?  Maybe find some grants or something and go back to college while working. Night classes or online classes?  I'm working on saving money to pay security classes. Hopefully that pans out, I could keep this job and work weekends elsewhere than the store I'm working at 1 weekend out of two.

You don't need a gym to exercise, you just need to be creative.  Use cans or water jugs as weights if you don't have any.  Run in place instead of using a treadmill.  Or make a game of it and run around your apartment seeing how many creepy crawlies you can kill in one lap. I know, but I do. One of the benefits of being alone for a decade is a lot of time to ponder who you are. One of my biggest flaws is laziness. I have an xbox at home. When I look at my weighs, then the box, who do you think wins? ;-) I exercise maybe 15-20 minutes in the morning. Far from enough.

Is there any way you can find a roommate and get a better place?  You would be living with someone, but splitting the bills would probably allow you to have a better place.  It kind of seems like where you are living, the conditions of it are a lot of your problems.  Like you're ashamed of it and yourself.  So I think if you are able to find a way out of there, you would be more motivated to get back on track, feel less depressed and all that.  
I don't think the women you mentioned are looking at you in horror, maybe on of your many....pets...hitched a ride? LOL God no. It's a recent problem, it's just the one that made the gasket blow, on top of the rest. The thing is, these last few years have started really showing in my eyes. People don't look at them long. I don't either. I always felt eyes are the portal to people's souls. If I have one, it must look pretty tortured and banged up. I think people see that when I get really serious instead of clowning around. So I clown around and don't show them who I really am.

I don't think you're insane, just stuck.  You need to find a way out of your rut.  You need to start exercising and training again.  You need a better place to live and a better job.  What I got out of all of what you wrote is that you are ashamed of yourself.  There's always a way out, you just have to look in places you haven't looked before.  Find something you haven't found yet.  Please don't tell me you've looked everywhere and there's nothing, because I know that's not true.  No one has looked everywhere, no one has tried everything, it just feels that way to them.   You can get out of the situation you are in.  Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  Switch it up, take control.
Thank you for all your words. I'm working on it, thing is, I been working on it for 15 years. Always something happens, sometimes it's an error on my part, often it's accidental, unavoidable happen stance. My mom is actually pretty sad for me and helps me a lot, she think I'm cursed or something LOL. Good ole mom. She's pretty much the only close friend I talk to on a regular basis, besides my daughters. But the not having anyone is starting to get heavy. Even though I can hardly envision getting back "on the market" again. It's just so...superficial.

Thank you all for your time. Much obliged ;-)
Nota bene, the day I stop paying child support and live in a FREAKING Loft with a talking ******* fridge and a huge HD tV, you're all invited and we'll drink until we don't knw what **** planet we're on ;-)

Hi Richard39,
As you know we've talked off the forums and shared some thoughts about this.  I am one who was making 6 figures as a pharmacist and paying a hefty chunk of change to my ex husband.  Now in April of this year I lost that job.  I am now trying to wing it as a psychic but when I attempted to increase my prices I got slapped in the face by my clients.  The good news is I recently got accepted to a network that is very selective in their hiring process and has a higher minimum rate so I should be making twice as much per minute.  But....starting any new network takes a lot of time and work and building up a clientele base.  Having just been ill with a severe illness last year and having $70,000 USD in debt to boot from both a very expensive divorce AND the medical debt, makes my own situation seem daunting.

The thing that hurts the most is there are hardly any other moms in my situation.  I've tried joining a FB group, 'Moms who pay child support' but I am not kidding you no one and I mean NO ONE replies to it.  I feel very very alone sometimes.  Around other females in general, especially I've always felt like nobody has ever understood me, I've faced a swarm of jealousy by most females, as if my life has been some sort of an 'easy street'....like WTF?  And yes, I'm in near-genius territory myself.  If it were just my Working Memory Index on the WAIS-IV  (Most commonly administered IQ test today) it would get me into MENSA for sure.  But I can relate to your situation at least, Richard.  In some ways I am much better off, I own a very modest, but still my own condo and it is fortunately not infested.  I've chosen to focus on having my ex take my kids as much as possible while I continue to recuperate from my terrible illness last year.  The best thing I can do is find men out there to gain some empathy for these things, because the women are literally nonexistent.  My children are going to be 14 and 8 in a few weeks.  Like Richard says, the days are numbered, we will not have to pay support forever.

After ranting out my hopelessness yesterday I realize I have some things to look forward to, the new network like I said as well as the fact that our local youth hockey team called me last year and I confirmed my lead with them recently so I can come out and promote myself during their games.  I've realized having a foothold on any one psychic website is rather dangerous and it's better to spread out your eggs to multiple baskets, lest your loyalty and laziness gets you screwed.
 
I did read all of it. Some thoughts... Why not being that big on abortion? It obviously messed stuff up a bit.
It's not too late until it really is too late, and you aren't there yet. If you care about the children, which you should since you brought them into this world of suffering etc, then try to get back on your feet in order to both make them proud and to statuate an example for them. Also, unless you are "ported" from them, try to hang out with them before it's too late. Be there for them, etc. Seems you beat my IQ by 19. Even if it's not anything that matters, it's likely to mean you can put patterns together, which in turn means you can think out a good way to escape this. It might take time, it might be tough, but even stall is better than backlashes. Give it a try, if you decide to do so, good luck!
 
You'll get a lot of 'bootstrap' advice from people who's living circumstances are much more comfortable than your own.

Get out of that place, tt's having a large impact on your mental state. Flat with people or find a *clean* one bedroom apartment somewhere if at all possible. Your sanity should be your first priority IMO. I have to concur with the people telling you to stop smoking though; it's money down the drain, making life that much harder.

Your ex... what can you say. The social safety net benefits her, while you are literally working to starve. *She* is setting the bad example here for her kids...
 
ardour said:
You'll get a lot of 'bootstrap' advice from people who's living circumstances are much more comfortable than your own.

Get out of that place, tt's  having a large impact on your mental state. Flat with people or find a *clean* one bedroom apartment somewhere if at all possible. Your sanity should be your first priority IMO.  I have to concur with the people telling you to stop smoking though; it's money down the drain, making life that much harder.

Your ex... what can you say. The social safety net benefits her, while you are literally working to starve.  *She* is setting the bad example here for her  kids...

I know. Ironically, the kids are starting to figure it out as well.

I'm working on it. Right now it'll take a backburner to other things, but I'm working on it. I'll have help now, too.
 
Long description, but sounds like a tough life, Richard. In ways tougher than mine.

I don't know, what to say. Of course some life decisions we make have very-very long-term consequences. Like you have to pay child support for eternity. I don't know if moving to a different country with different laws helps?

Same thing with taking loans (which thankfully I have currently none) - you could keep paying them back for decades, even during the hardest of times.

The saddest part perhaps is your admission that you don't remember, when was the last time, when you were happy.

Personally I have found that to create "the feeling of happiness", I need to reduce the levels of commitments. Because if there are too many things that need to be done, it is like a heavy weight on my shoulders, which doesn't let to be happy, as I need to do this and that, be busy, and can't relax.

What can be done though (in your case), is a different matter altogether obviously.

Oh, and you mentioned you don't have Internet. Where are you writing all this? At work? :p
 
SilentLife said:
Long description, but sounds like a tough life, Richard. In ways tougher than mine.

I don't know, what to say. Of course some life decisions we make have very-very long-term consequences. Like you have to pay child support for eternity. I don't know if moving to a different country with different laws helps?

Same thing with taking loans (which thankfully I have currently none) - you could keep paying them back for decades, even during the hardest of times.

The saddest part perhaps is your admission that you don't remember, when was the last time, when you were happy.

Personally I have found that to create "the feeling of happiness", I need to reduce the levels of commitments. Because if there are too many things that need to be done, it is like a heavy weight on my shoulders, which doesn't let to be happy, as I need to do this and that, be busy, and can't relax.

What can be done though (in your case), is a different matter altogether obviously.

Oh, and you mentioned you don't have Internet. Where are you writing all this? At work? :p

You want the truth?
I find this all incredibly easy, tedious and irrelevant in the light of my last post. I feel like I've been complaining about all this for absolutely no reason in light of those recent developments. Doesn't really matter much to me now anyway anymore, does it?
Gives you a new spin on life, it does. Not necessarily in good ways, though.
Yup. I spend my time here on company time, so I'd appreciate you all keeping it to your lonesomes, lest I get in trouble ;-)
You want to know the truth? I don't think I'll be happy. Not anymore. Content, at the limit, someday, maybe. But happy? I got a burning scar in my mind that'll remind me someone took away happiness, if not forever at least for a very very long time. I'm not a masochist, I won't try to dwell on it, but as long as I have these dark thoughts don't get satisfaction, I don't see how I'll be able to sleep easy. Couple of centuries ago this would already be a done deal, I'd have a posse and would be smiling watching a man swinging on a rope, but that's supposedly a "bad" thing. I guess it depends who you are, really.
Anyhow, thanks for the pep talk lol. Appreciated. I don't think I have it that hard. Not anymore.
 
I am so sorry you've had such a rough life, Richard. I haven't any wise words or even experiences to relate, but I do hope things improve for you. You sound like someone who has a lot of inner strength, and even if you say that you've become bitter, which frankly, only a monk or saint would be able to avoid becoming given what you've been through, you still have a great sense of humour and give great, positive advice here on the forum. 

I know it's easy for someone else to say hang in there, but after all the challenges and difficulties and poor choices you've dealth with, at least you've progressed and learnt to not go down those paths again. And if you somehow keep going and slowly are able to fix your situation, it would be really great for your daughters to have a positive role model in their lives. They'll know that they too can get through the crap because hey, their dad's been through worse and he must really love them to overcome all those hurdles.
 
Look, another great post by Amelia! :)
And Richard... I doubt there is anything at all I could possibly say that could help, but if I'd have one day of happiness left instead of just "content", I'd hand it over. It's your turn. You have written many posts, all full of good life insights (and a bit of humor), though sadly learnt the hard way. Well fought.
 

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