user 139760
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I actually hesitated for a little while between posting this in loneliness, depression or suicide. But it doesn't quite fit in all of it yet kind of includes all of it. I don't know, maybe I finally went over the edge and went insane. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. I mean, I don't FEEL insane, in fact I too often for my taste think everyone else is, but does the insane man think about being insane or does he even realize it? I'm sure there's some undercover narcissism in there somewhere.
This is probably going to be a doozy, be forwarned. I haven't spoken to anyone about any of this in a long time. If ever.
So, basically, at age 38, my life is over. My life has been over for quite some time now. I don't really "live" life in the normal sense of the term. I "ghost" through life maybe, or I survive life. The last time I was actually happy and not giving everyone what they wanted by "showing them how happy I was", I can't even remember it anymore. Probably when my second daughter was born. She's 8, almost 9 now. That's a long time not to have something to be happy with.
Okay, first things first, I'm a genius. Now now, before I get called arrogant (which, ironically, I'm usually the opposite off lol), it's not me; I was told I was, a long time ago, when I was in 2nd year of school. Kindergarden and the first year of school was really bad for me, and my dad took it upon himself, knowing how good I really was yet how utterly intellectually lazy I was, to whup me up like a drill sergent so I excelled. Which I did. Until college, I passed classes sleeping, barely studying yet getting scores everywhere. This led to a test I barely remember, back when I was in 3rd grade, an intelligence test, which my province used to do. I supposedly scored 165, which would make me genius-level intellect. Which I never really ascribed to that much, considering I always thought those tests only shows you how intelligent you are according to THOSE tests, not as a whole, but moving on. They were at least correct enough in that I was always the best at everything I did and never had to work hard for it. I just "had it". Life was peachy.
When I got to college, though, things began to get harder. Puberty kicked in and I was spending more time at the gym and chasing girls than I was studying. Got into roleplaying games, Dungeons and Dragons, beer nights and dark theatres in no time. Enough so that I decided, 3 courses from finishing my college degree, to take a temporary hiatus. That's pretty much when things started going downhill. I was maybe 19 years of age.
I was working at the time at a local shop, where I met this girl. It wasn't that we were in love, I know she was, but she kind of got to me through insistance; we were together for 3 years. The first one was good, but the last two degenerated in to what could only be qualified as a love/hate relationship; it was us taking turns at driving the other one man. I eventually left her because I couldn't tolerate some very disturbing character flaws, but not until we had a daughter. A sweet, beautiful, divine, intelligent daughter.
However, in order to see my daughter, I had to pay child support. I don't know elsewhere how much it costs, but here, costs a bundle. Can easily go almost half your salary. If you're on minimal wage, it's actually more than half. For one, though, it wasn't that much. It was suddenly a lot harder to pay rent, but I got by. I lived in a small 3 room appartment that was decent enough, by myself. Had a few relationships after that, most notable one that was incredibly abusive (and believe it or not, I was the abused, who ended up getting so distraught I slugged her, then spent over 1 year single wondering if I was an abuser or not), one dating the best angel on the planet and me hurting her so bad I can never forgive myself for it, and dating my best friend, that was a very big mistake on my part, who ended up cheating on me and leaving me, something I've never recovered from. It's made me emotionally detached, although that was already underway well into my teens, for reasons unknown to me.
During that time, I had a second daughter, with my ex, the mother of my first. It was written I guess, because we both used protection and when mine didn't work, I was told "don't worry, nothing is going to happen". Then boom. Of course, me being not a big fan of abortion, we had a second daughter and I started paying a second child support amount. That's when crap really started hitting the fan.
During the intervening 8 years, I had to move to an appartment I've hated since day 1, the only one I can afford, that's literally a roach-infested dump where I had all the problems in the world you can have in a house, compacted into one (ceiling caving in, birds in dryer exhaust, aforementionned cockroaches, squirrels, ants, you name it) which I all had to pay for despite not actually having money for it, because the landlord didn't give a flying broomstick. I had the displeasure of having my ex go on welfare, which upped my child support up to the point where I no longer make enough to pay the regular bills AND eat, so I'm doing the same thing as in college, eating Mac & Cheese a lot. Crying. In the kitchen. With all the lights on, in case I get eaten by tiny little critters...
I spend my life, maybe 5 years a shot, in different companies working mostly as admin support. Right now I'm working for lawyers. Somedays, I don't even know what I'm doing here, I wanted to get away from a desk and enter security, or even manual labour, but the money's not as good and if I win less, I'll have to declare bankrupcy (which ironically, doesn't stop child support from demanding money from you, with interests). I'm so burned out by the financial aspects of it, not to mention the fact that my ex just declared my youngest daughter, whom I feel she thoroghly botched her education and I wasn't able to recuperate it, as being ADHD when the kid isn't, at roughly the same time her son she had with ANOTHER dude got declared autistic. Which, lo and behold, gives her access to more ressources and money from welfare. I don't know her to be that way, but people have suggested she did it intentionally just to get more. I don't know anymore.
As for me, well...since I'm only paying basic amenities anymore, in the last decade I've pretty much let myself go, becaue I can't afford anything else. My teeth are a mess from not going to the dentist in a decade and I had already problem with them before because of an accident way younger. Gone is the once proud physique I was building because I had hopes of doing pro-wrestling just for kicks, but couldn't afford the gym any longer. I started smoking around the time my first daughter was born, which is the only thing I feel I still have control over my life, but don't want to quit, because I feel I'll go insane and try to kill someone if I don't have control over ONE thing in my life. Also, considering everyone badgers me to quit, it's the last thing I want to do. Since I do little exercise and now only eat once a day to save money, I've lost quite some weight, but not the right, healthy way and certain parts of my body have started hurting me on a regular basis. Considering the living conditions too, I've developed regular allergy symptoms that can only be quelled with reactine now, which I take regularly yet never did when I still was training.
I can barely afford clothes and buy most on sale at dollar stores and the like, occasionally Wallmarts when it's cheap. Most of it is blank. Don't own a cellphone, don't have the internet, don't have cable tv.
As for meeting new people, or girls....I'm condensing much of the above, but do you have any idea how bitter, and horrid, and depressed, and mean, and just unenjoyable the above makes me? I mean, hell of a genius, huh? Apparently enough to be a good actor and hide this from practically everyone I know, about how I think about putting a bullet through my brain roughly everyday for at least the last 6 years, but I can't, for 2 major reason; one, I promised my mother never to inflict that of losing a child to her and I never break a promise, secundo being it'll probably hurt like hell and I don't think there's anywhere we actually do when it's over. So I'm not in a hurry. But discards those two little things and I would have done it a long, long time ago, just to end this unending battle just to eat properly and stay sane, which I profoundly feel like I've been steadily losing.
So meeting someone? Someone who isn't superficial, who'll see all that and care instead of being thoroughly repulsed by everything she sees, not just the physical but ,most importantly, the psychological side of who I am? Most of the girls who's eyes I meet get a look of horror so terryfying it it makes me blink sometimes. I carefully try to avoid mirrors not to see whatever it is they see. It's left me very bitter and very alone. Often enough, I hoped and tried different measures to make things change, but I have come to the realisation that money does indeed run the world and without it, I don't amount to anything. Every time I tell that to someone they tell me I'm wrong of course, but then, each and everyone of them then leaves for a restaurant at 80 dollars a cover, or go see a movie, or a play, or take a trip, while I go back home eating a frozen pizza or mac & cheese while paranoying about roaches.....so I'm kind of numbed to the counter-arguments. Life is devoid of any type of pleasure anymore and filled with an entirety of pain. Other things are happening, but if I start now I'll write 12 pages, if I'm not at that already.
And why am I telling all this? Just because I need to get it out. I don't know why. It's not like I'm going to go do anything stupid, even though I've thought about it once every hour or so, it's not like I'm actually going to get help, a roomate who decides to split costs with me and we move into his or her appartment out of nowhere, or a girl who shows up to pick back up whatever shambles of broken rock now remain of where once stood my heart. It's not like I'm going to win at the lottery, inherit a house, have a freebie done by a dentist, have a chiropractor treat me, have someone give me a free year in a gym. There's nothing really left to do but with till my heart just stops. I don't know what will get it first. But it still feels good writing it and sharing it with the annonimity of the internet.
When I used to be involved in gang problems (other chapter, different life), I used to keep a journal, hoping for a better tomorrow. So how come it went from bad to worse? Fighting dudes for moronic reasons had at least the advantage of being easy. Life is....really evil. That's the only word I can find. She's really, REALLY evil. Or he, let's not discriminate.
Alright, so enough. You who still is here right now, I salute you. You're either at the same place I am in life, or you're really bored. I hope for your sake it's the latter, because the former isn't something I'd wish on my worst ennemy. And I used to have a lot of ennemies.
This is probably going to be a doozy, be forwarned. I haven't spoken to anyone about any of this in a long time. If ever.
So, basically, at age 38, my life is over. My life has been over for quite some time now. I don't really "live" life in the normal sense of the term. I "ghost" through life maybe, or I survive life. The last time I was actually happy and not giving everyone what they wanted by "showing them how happy I was", I can't even remember it anymore. Probably when my second daughter was born. She's 8, almost 9 now. That's a long time not to have something to be happy with.
Okay, first things first, I'm a genius. Now now, before I get called arrogant (which, ironically, I'm usually the opposite off lol), it's not me; I was told I was, a long time ago, when I was in 2nd year of school. Kindergarden and the first year of school was really bad for me, and my dad took it upon himself, knowing how good I really was yet how utterly intellectually lazy I was, to whup me up like a drill sergent so I excelled. Which I did. Until college, I passed classes sleeping, barely studying yet getting scores everywhere. This led to a test I barely remember, back when I was in 3rd grade, an intelligence test, which my province used to do. I supposedly scored 165, which would make me genius-level intellect. Which I never really ascribed to that much, considering I always thought those tests only shows you how intelligent you are according to THOSE tests, not as a whole, but moving on. They were at least correct enough in that I was always the best at everything I did and never had to work hard for it. I just "had it". Life was peachy.
When I got to college, though, things began to get harder. Puberty kicked in and I was spending more time at the gym and chasing girls than I was studying. Got into roleplaying games, Dungeons and Dragons, beer nights and dark theatres in no time. Enough so that I decided, 3 courses from finishing my college degree, to take a temporary hiatus. That's pretty much when things started going downhill. I was maybe 19 years of age.
I was working at the time at a local shop, where I met this girl. It wasn't that we were in love, I know she was, but she kind of got to me through insistance; we were together for 3 years. The first one was good, but the last two degenerated in to what could only be qualified as a love/hate relationship; it was us taking turns at driving the other one man. I eventually left her because I couldn't tolerate some very disturbing character flaws, but not until we had a daughter. A sweet, beautiful, divine, intelligent daughter.
However, in order to see my daughter, I had to pay child support. I don't know elsewhere how much it costs, but here, costs a bundle. Can easily go almost half your salary. If you're on minimal wage, it's actually more than half. For one, though, it wasn't that much. It was suddenly a lot harder to pay rent, but I got by. I lived in a small 3 room appartment that was decent enough, by myself. Had a few relationships after that, most notable one that was incredibly abusive (and believe it or not, I was the abused, who ended up getting so distraught I slugged her, then spent over 1 year single wondering if I was an abuser or not), one dating the best angel on the planet and me hurting her so bad I can never forgive myself for it, and dating my best friend, that was a very big mistake on my part, who ended up cheating on me and leaving me, something I've never recovered from. It's made me emotionally detached, although that was already underway well into my teens, for reasons unknown to me.
During that time, I had a second daughter, with my ex, the mother of my first. It was written I guess, because we both used protection and when mine didn't work, I was told "don't worry, nothing is going to happen". Then boom. Of course, me being not a big fan of abortion, we had a second daughter and I started paying a second child support amount. That's when crap really started hitting the fan.
During the intervening 8 years, I had to move to an appartment I've hated since day 1, the only one I can afford, that's literally a roach-infested dump where I had all the problems in the world you can have in a house, compacted into one (ceiling caving in, birds in dryer exhaust, aforementionned cockroaches, squirrels, ants, you name it) which I all had to pay for despite not actually having money for it, because the landlord didn't give a flying broomstick. I had the displeasure of having my ex go on welfare, which upped my child support up to the point where I no longer make enough to pay the regular bills AND eat, so I'm doing the same thing as in college, eating Mac & Cheese a lot. Crying. In the kitchen. With all the lights on, in case I get eaten by tiny little critters...
I spend my life, maybe 5 years a shot, in different companies working mostly as admin support. Right now I'm working for lawyers. Somedays, I don't even know what I'm doing here, I wanted to get away from a desk and enter security, or even manual labour, but the money's not as good and if I win less, I'll have to declare bankrupcy (which ironically, doesn't stop child support from demanding money from you, with interests). I'm so burned out by the financial aspects of it, not to mention the fact that my ex just declared my youngest daughter, whom I feel she thoroghly botched her education and I wasn't able to recuperate it, as being ADHD when the kid isn't, at roughly the same time her son she had with ANOTHER dude got declared autistic. Which, lo and behold, gives her access to more ressources and money from welfare. I don't know her to be that way, but people have suggested she did it intentionally just to get more. I don't know anymore.
As for me, well...since I'm only paying basic amenities anymore, in the last decade I've pretty much let myself go, becaue I can't afford anything else. My teeth are a mess from not going to the dentist in a decade and I had already problem with them before because of an accident way younger. Gone is the once proud physique I was building because I had hopes of doing pro-wrestling just for kicks, but couldn't afford the gym any longer. I started smoking around the time my first daughter was born, which is the only thing I feel I still have control over my life, but don't want to quit, because I feel I'll go insane and try to kill someone if I don't have control over ONE thing in my life. Also, considering everyone badgers me to quit, it's the last thing I want to do. Since I do little exercise and now only eat once a day to save money, I've lost quite some weight, but not the right, healthy way and certain parts of my body have started hurting me on a regular basis. Considering the living conditions too, I've developed regular allergy symptoms that can only be quelled with reactine now, which I take regularly yet never did when I still was training.
I can barely afford clothes and buy most on sale at dollar stores and the like, occasionally Wallmarts when it's cheap. Most of it is blank. Don't own a cellphone, don't have the internet, don't have cable tv.
As for meeting new people, or girls....I'm condensing much of the above, but do you have any idea how bitter, and horrid, and depressed, and mean, and just unenjoyable the above makes me? I mean, hell of a genius, huh? Apparently enough to be a good actor and hide this from practically everyone I know, about how I think about putting a bullet through my brain roughly everyday for at least the last 6 years, but I can't, for 2 major reason; one, I promised my mother never to inflict that of losing a child to her and I never break a promise, secundo being it'll probably hurt like hell and I don't think there's anywhere we actually do when it's over. So I'm not in a hurry. But discards those two little things and I would have done it a long, long time ago, just to end this unending battle just to eat properly and stay sane, which I profoundly feel like I've been steadily losing.
So meeting someone? Someone who isn't superficial, who'll see all that and care instead of being thoroughly repulsed by everything she sees, not just the physical but ,most importantly, the psychological side of who I am? Most of the girls who's eyes I meet get a look of horror so terryfying it it makes me blink sometimes. I carefully try to avoid mirrors not to see whatever it is they see. It's left me very bitter and very alone. Often enough, I hoped and tried different measures to make things change, but I have come to the realisation that money does indeed run the world and without it, I don't amount to anything. Every time I tell that to someone they tell me I'm wrong of course, but then, each and everyone of them then leaves for a restaurant at 80 dollars a cover, or go see a movie, or a play, or take a trip, while I go back home eating a frozen pizza or mac & cheese while paranoying about roaches.....so I'm kind of numbed to the counter-arguments. Life is devoid of any type of pleasure anymore and filled with an entirety of pain. Other things are happening, but if I start now I'll write 12 pages, if I'm not at that already.
And why am I telling all this? Just because I need to get it out. I don't know why. It's not like I'm going to go do anything stupid, even though I've thought about it once every hour or so, it's not like I'm actually going to get help, a roomate who decides to split costs with me and we move into his or her appartment out of nowhere, or a girl who shows up to pick back up whatever shambles of broken rock now remain of where once stood my heart. It's not like I'm going to win at the lottery, inherit a house, have a freebie done by a dentist, have a chiropractor treat me, have someone give me a free year in a gym. There's nothing really left to do but with till my heart just stops. I don't know what will get it first. But it still feels good writing it and sharing it with the annonimity of the internet.
When I used to be involved in gang problems (other chapter, different life), I used to keep a journal, hoping for a better tomorrow. So how come it went from bad to worse? Fighting dudes for moronic reasons had at least the advantage of being easy. Life is....really evil. That's the only word I can find. She's really, REALLY evil. Or he, let's not discriminate.
Alright, so enough. You who still is here right now, I salute you. You're either at the same place I am in life, or you're really bored. I hope for your sake it's the latter, because the former isn't something I'd wish on my worst ennemy. And I used to have a lot of ennemies.