Thank you all very much for answering. it means a lot to me.
Sigma, it is so hard not to give up. i know you're right when you say sitting in front of a screen wont help, but i've already tried to connect and meet with people but it doesnt really help because i need to be able to open up, talk about what i think and feel but nobody really cares, why should they? so... i can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. and i dont know how to demolish the walls i've built around myself during the years. anyway, thank you for your support.
Painter's Radio, i've been distracting myself from my loneliness with movies, serie tv, books, sport, working, writing, internet and music for many years, without worrying about having a social life. i've also been coping throuhg food and self harm but they are all just distractions and now i feel they are not enough anymore. i dont feel i have any specific interest that makes me feel better. not anymore.
ASnowyCanadian, i know we can never know what future may hold but the present is horrible and im so tired of it. and i dont feel theres anything that can make me happy or that i enjoy doing. actually im playing volleyball once a week, i like it but the moment i finish playing i fall in my big dark hole again. you're right saying i am the only one responsible for my own happiness but i dont know how to make it.
Bulmabriefs144, but i DO need people to be happy. i know i shouldnt, but myself is not enough for me anymore. what is the worth of such a lonely life? what is the meaning? the purpose? i cant find any in my life at the moment. i've succeeded in being alone without being lonely for years. now im sick of it. is it so wrong to wish to have a boyfriend? to build a family one day? im 31 already. already 31 and i am and have been so alone all my life.
Foreverrray,
i've been seeing a therapist for 6 years but it doesnt help me anymore. what could he - or anyone - do to help? i hope it will help you though.
Duff, number 2 is definately my problem, but also numer 1 in a certain way. i do see people during the day but i dont talk with them really... only superficial stuff, while i would need to talk with someone who KNOWS me. someone who would like to listen to me and talk with me about deeper stuff. a friend but also a boyfriend...and i feel like i never really had both.
Thank you all for your support. talking here has helped.
best wishes.