My dad

[BrokenInside]

I remember my dad being a great father until he took premature retirement. I was 15 then. He tried to set some business but failed which made him depressed and he got distant from us. I grew up watching my parents fighting (mostly my dad's fault) which created a negative image of him in my mind. He was mostly concerned about our results, never cared to ask what problems we had in our lives. Me and my bros wanted him to give us fatherly hugs and affection but he didn't understand that. We then learned to be without him. He was around us physically and that's it. Now, after many years, he is trying to come back in our lives. But we are unable to take him back. I sometimes try to be a good daughter but he then does something bad that takes me away from him again.
I feel bad after arguing with him. It worries me when he falls ill. I am afraid of losing him.
Despite of all this, i am unable to remove the distance between me and him.

 

[Oldyoung]

It does sound to me like you both want the contact between you to be better.

If that's the case, I'd guess the best thing is to hold your tongue just a slight bit more than you're comfortable with (not getting fired up), and that is enough to contribute positively..

It won't be fixed in one day. Let time help out..

Good luck.

(Note, I never have experienced a similar situation. These are just thoughts.)

 

[ladyforsaken]

*hugs* B.

Your dad.. sounds a lot like mine. And what you're feeling.. used to be what I was feeling.

It was the way it was.. I couldn't do anything about it.. he was the way he was.. I could only learn to embrace it. I hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[defenestrate]

This is what I do;

I try to find a discussion and meet in a public place. One month before the meeting we'll each read the same novel. Once we meet, we just try to simply relax, enjoy ourselves, and discuss the novel. You see, this is what our lives would be like if we didn't have poor past experiences... This is what our lives would be like if we just valued each others company...

I really enjoyed Oldyoung's message...
I hope the two of you can contribute to each other in a positive way.

 

[Regumika]

i am not quite understanding the OP

-you want to get close but you can't (because of his personality)
-you want to distance yourself but you can't (because he is your father)
-and youre unhappy that it's just hanging there in the middle

yes? so im not sure what you want, get close or gain distance.

i grew up with a single mom, so i dont know first hand.

 

[9006]

I had a slightly similar experience with my dad, my parents always used to fight, and he left when I was young, I think I was upset initially but it's something that doesn't bother me much anymore. As I got older I did meet up with him again, but he's one of those fathers who makes a big deal when you're there, but I don't see or hear from him otherwise, always trying the what are you doing with your life speech and giving me words of wisdom.

Although he's a sloppy father, I suppose I still love him in a father-son sort of way, and obviously I'd be sad if anything happened to him, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm just not close to him, it's been too long and it's all a bit late.

I'm not saying you should think the same thing, and some people deserve a second chance an all that, but it's something that takes effort, time, and I suppose commitment, and for most people (my dad included) they wouldn't be up to the job, so I prefer it how it is, more like a casual kind of relationship, almost like a friendship.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You know there are family therapists you could go to..

 

[Lostandallalone]

My dad and I were never close. There were reasons for that, but it's not important what they were. Towards the end of his life we were just beginning to communicate. Then he died, before we'd really become reconciled.

If you can talk to your dad about how you feel, do it. If you can't, is there a third party who could talk to him on your behalf?

As a result of my experience all I can say is do whatever it takes to close this gap. And don't wait to do it, no-one knows what tomorrow brings. If you don't make your peace with your dad, you run the risk of regretting it for the rest of your life after your dad has gone. And I can tell you it isn't a nice feeling.

 

[BrokenInside]

It won't be fixed in one day. Let time help out..

Good luck.

You are right. I think we both need time. Thanks

---

*hugs* B.

Thanks sweetie

---

This is what I do;

I try to find a discussion and meet in a public place. One month before the meeting we'll each read the same novel. Once we meet, we just try to simply relax, enjoy ourselves, and discuss the novel. You see, this is what our lives would be like if we didn't have poor past experiences... This is what our lives would be like if we just valued each others company...

Yeah we often have discussions on different issues. Thanks anyway

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yes? so im not sure what you want, get close or gain distance.

I want to get close.

---

I'm not saying you should think the same thing, and some people deserve a second chance an all that, but it's something that takes effort, time, and I suppose commitment, and for most people (my dad included) they wouldn't be up to the job, so I prefer it how it is, more like a casual kind of relationship, almost like a friendship.

You are right!

---

If you can talk to your dad about how you feel, do it. If you can't, is there a third party who could talk to him on your behalf?

As a result of my experience all I can say is do whatever it takes to close this gap. And don't wait to do it, no-one knows what tomorrow brings. If you don't make your peace with your dad, you run the risk of regretting it for the rest of your life after your dad has gone. And I can tell you it isn't a nice feeling.

Sorry to hear about your dad. Thats what really scares me. I really dont want to lose him without letting him know that i still love him.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Or you could just go to family counseling instead of just hoping things will work out on their own? :l

 

[ladyforsaken]

I had a slightly similar experience with my dad, my parents always used to fight, and he left when I was young, I think I was upset initially but it's something that doesn't bother me much anymore. As I got older I did meet up with him again, but he's one of those fathers who makes a big deal when you're there, but I don't see or hear from him otherwise, always trying the what are you doing with your life speech and giving me words of wisdom.

Although he's a sloppy father, I suppose I still love him in a father-son sort of way, and obviously I'd be sad if anything happened to him, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm just not close to him, it's been too long and it's all a bit late.

I'm not saying you should think the same thing, and some people deserve a second chance an all that, but it's something that takes effort, time, and I suppose commitment, and for most people (my dad included) they wouldn't be up to the job, so I prefer it how it is, more like a casual kind of relationship, almost like a friendship.

Aww *hugs* I respect you for this, Mike.

 

[BrokenInside]

Or you could just go to family counseling instead of just hoping things will work out on their own? :l

We don't have family counseling facility over here, unfortunately!