My thoughts..

[wadokai]

Few days ago, at my work, I saw this gorgeous girl..

She wasn't EXTREMELY beautiful in the general term, but to me she was very very attractive. And what I liked most about her, was just her ...smile. Her smiling, vibrant, sunshine and lollipops look. Goodness gracious I was smitten, I couldn't stop looking. She didn't dress anything sexy or anything. She was just in a sweater and jeans and I guess average, but still.. she looked so... homely. Does that even make sense? Like.. someone you would want to come home to. Some one where you feel at home with, in terms of comfort, happiness, nurturing.

LoL this I felt all with just few glances at her. As silly as it sounds. But then this leads to my deep inner sadness, the fact that I can never be with anyone like that. I'm in a mess in terms of my personal life but even if all the issues were resolved, I don't think in any universe I'd be able to be with such a girl. 

Physical attributed short-comings aside, it's just my emotional/mental state. There are happy go lucky people, and then some are the soul-sucking hopeless always sad people, like "dementers" from Harry potter. I fall in the latter category. 

I'm just too needy, clingy, affectionate, loving, jealous, insecure of a person. I've craved love & intimacy my whole life, and I guess that need was never met in a satisfactory way. I've always been this overly passionate person about love and loving and affection and all that stupid crap. When I was with my very first gf (at age 23, and very very long distance), I was very happy because I could shower her with my affection and love and all that. But at the same time I felt so insecure, so clingy and needy. I pretty much ruined the relationship for myself. It was doomed to failure anyway but still, it was very hard for me. 

My second relationship was the same way, though it lasted longer. This time, however, I controlled my insecurities and the relationship lasted longer. It also ended, because well.. the girl just fell out of love. (this was agian, another stupid long distance one).

So there it is. I didn't have my first loving/intimate experience with a girl until I was 23. Til then it was just years of frustration and pining over crush's and people whom were already taken or would never even consider me. 

Sorry. Maybe I'm trying to justify my bad dark side (insecurity, soul sucking, happiness draining attributes). I don't mean to justify it.. but I guess just giving context. 

I'm at a point in my life where I really don't see things getting better for me. At all. Even if my current personal circumstances were to change... I still don't know if that would change anything afterwards. I would still be the insecure clingy loser guy that no one ever wants...or at least the way I've felt 99.9% of my life. 

I often hear people say "you have to love your self first" well... I do love myself. But I have this deep drilled fear/insecurity that no one loves me and ever will. Haha if I didn't love myself I wouldn't continue to exist.

I"m not sure why I'm writing all this. I don't know what to get out of this post. I'm just spewing out whats inside my heart. My deepest fears and deepest depths of hopeless ness.

I really don't know what to do. The past 3 years have been nothing but pain, stress, and anxiety. I don't know if there's anything to look forward to, for me at least. =/

 

[Gorbachov]

I can relate to being a "overly passionate person about love and loving and affection and all that stupid crap". Hopeless romantics often end up or remain alone because we want more and more. We shower people with affection but as soon as it doesn't go both ways - the insecurities come into play.

 

[wadokai]

Definitely agree with you.

In my second relationship, I tried to hold back and not expect anything in return. But deep in my heart I would obviously still expect some affection back for what I had put out. And thankfully, the girl shared that affection. At least while we were "together".

Now I'm as meaningless as what she would've had for lunch on a thursday 2 yrs ago. LoL


I don't know how to change how I am.. I don't know how to stop being passionate or a hopeless romantic. Well. At the moment I'm quite the opposite. But I don't like what I am right now, because it's not the real me. Just..the product of my circumstances. =/

 

[VanillaCreme]

That clingy, needy, insecurity... That's something you have to change if you see it as a problem. Personally, I don't get why people are like that. I can easily give people space or time apart and it doesn't bother me a bit. But when it starts determining how a relationship goes - for either side of the spectrum - there's definitely a red flag there.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I definitely relate to this a lot. I've been the same way. I'm a hopeless romantic too. The problem I have is that I almost never meet anyone I am attracted to. So when I meet a girl whose looks I like and who I find interesting and we can actually talk, I really want them. I become clingy and needy by default, because I have a preference. It's one of the things that frustrates me most about dating. It's like, of course I'm really excited about the person, they have what I'm looking for when that has been so hard to find. Being single for me has been like being stranded on an island, and when I find a girl I like it's like finally seeing a ship in the horizon that might rescue me. I'm not in a position of power, and I know it. But perhaps that's part of what makes me unattractive. It's ironic - we crave intimacy because we've never had it, or don't get a lot of it - but because we are starving for it, it turns others off and the singledom continues. The more you want romantic love and to give affection, the further it pushes women away.

On the other hand, when talking to someone I'm not attracted to, I have had some "success". But it's entirely without meaning to. I'm not trying to be "cool" with them, but rather, I'm not attracted and not concerned if they think I am cool or not, so I don't get messed up by the pressure. Even more irony.

I've also felt like there was just no way I could be with the girls I wanted, thinking of them as better than me from the start and psyching myself out. I haven't been a happy-go-lucky person either. I have a hard time convincing myself to be that way because I don't feel like being happy-go-lucky will change anything for me in terms of who I get. I feel like I'd still be alone, or at best, not with anyone I'd want. So I stay angry and gloomy.

I also feel like the needy, clingy, loser "me" is a product of my circumstances and not my real self. If I felt like an attractive guy with a lot to offer, then I would be secure. I just haven't quite figured out how to do that yet. And my past failures continue to discourage me, even though I know it's because I didn't know better. But I feel like I could act "correctly" and hold off on the insecurity if only I knew the right and wrong ways to act in the first place. It's not like I do the wrong thing on purpose or because I'm too stupid to understand it. I feel like it's like failing the final exam because I didn't get to take the course.

I think the important thing to remember is to keep your wits about you when you like someone. The attraction phase seems to be about being fun, interesting, flirting, and showing strength as a person. It seems like you have to save the feelings part until after you're already in the relationship.

Best of luck figuring this out man. I hope you can turn things around.