negativity evolved

[ucxb]

When I think I have majorly f**ked something up nervousness turns into negative thinking on steriods within a few minutes. I have struggled with thinking too much for a long time now, but it wasnt until this past spring that my negativity evolved into various thoughts occuring simultaneously that I cant keep up with and its a battle with my mind trying to eliminate each f**king thought one at a time, takes several hours or a whole 24 hours... sleep helps but when I am not tired its like I have put myself on a private negative rollercoaster in my head.... I doubt anyone can relate but just needed to vent or rant so apologies if this is just a blah blah read for you all

/sigh

 

[theglasscell]

I think I can relate to that.

What I just posted about self-harm relates to intense negative thoughts, they get out of control so within an hour getting turned down from a date turns into me thinking my best option is to just hang myself or jump off a bridge.

It goes back and forth sometimes.

And lots of bad thoughts feed off each other. I found the only thing that helped was listening to music or the radio, or texting my friend and telling him how horrible I felt.

And in my case actually physically hurting myself until I had blood all over me stopped it, but that's not a good way of dealing with it.

 

[Alienated]

I have done studies on cutters... And they believe it's the actual sight of their own blood, brings a sense of payment for self felt guilt... And that brings comfort .... Does that make any sense to you ?

I used to hit myself with hammers.... For me it was physical pain to over power the emotional pain.

 

[theglasscell]

It's both the pain and the blood for me. The site of my own blood is something I love, I don't really know why. I'm sure that sounds crazy.

It started when I was a kid because I was really into Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols and I wanted to cut myself like him, but then once I started I couldn't stop and it just became a lifelong habit.

I know drugs and alcohol made it worse, at least I've been able to control it somewhat since I've gotten sober.

 

[Alienated]

Well I got some information to explain why... and it isn't crazy at all !!

It's a brain chemical change.... And it is a self produced drug nerurotransmiter called dopamine... That's where we came up with the slang term DOPE http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine

It's related to the brains own reward system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reward_system

I hope this explains allot ..... I have witnessed it actually happen... some people like adrenaline rush like jumping out of a air plane... well for you it's Dopamine. And you are getting a fix of what brings you comfort.

For me it was alcohol too man... and fed my hunger too... and once I stopped drinking I can control it too.. So it isn't crazy at all !!

 

[theglasscell]

Thanks for the information.

It's probably the same reason why I love going to Six Flags more than anything else. I can't get enough of roller coasters.

When I was in family court my ex's lawyer used that cutting stuff a lot, he said it showed I was a dangerous person. It was messed up.

I can still remember sitting on the stand for over an hour having him grill me about that stuff.

 

[Alienated]

OH man I got some stories for you.... I got a list of injuries from crazy behavior that would make Josef Mengele say **** BOY !!

Hey man I can explain allot of things to you of why you do it... I really can.

 

[taste-the-rainbow]

I can definitely relate

My brain doesn't stop thinking I over thing so much it drives me crazy sometimes I really need help and it just stays bottles up , all my negative thoughts

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

I think I can relate, although I do not know about how it is with you..I may be drastically different.
When the marathon in my head starts, I usually just kinda run, and open a book, or start watching something. Based on the quality of that, it sometimes stops.
But going to sleep is that bad part for me, that is why I go to sleep just when I´m really tired, not to be awake up that long.
Do not know what to advice:/ Hope you feel better by time.

 

[ucxb]

My therapy has helped me a lot with mindfulness and rational responsiveness to negative thinking, but there are moments of said negativity that consumes me and I forget about healthy distractions / methods. It's not easy !