negativity evolved

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ucxb

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When I think I have majorly f**ked something up nervousness turns into negative thinking on steriods within a few minutes. I have struggled with thinking too much for a long time now, but it wasnt until this past spring that my negativity evolved into various thoughts occuring simultaneously that I cant keep up with and its a battle with my mind trying to eliminate each f**king thought one at a time, takes several hours or a whole 24 hours... sleep helps but when I am not tired its like I have put myself on a private negative rollercoaster in my head.... I doubt anyone can relate but just needed to vent or rant so apologies if this is just a blah blah read for you all

/sigh
 
I think I can relate to that.

What I just posted about self-harm relates to intense negative thoughts, they get out of control so within an hour getting turned down from a date turns into me thinking my best option is to just hang myself or jump off a bridge.

It goes back and forth sometimes.

And lots of bad thoughts feed off each other. I found the only thing that helped was listening to music or the radio, or texting my friend and telling him how horrible I felt.

And in my case actually physically hurting myself until I had blood all over me stopped it, but that's not a good way of dealing with it.
 
I have done studies on cutters... And they believe it's the actual sight of their own blood, brings a sense of payment for self felt guilt... And that brings comfort .... Does that make any sense to you ?

I used to hit myself with hammers.... For me it was physical pain to over power the emotional pain.
 
It's both the pain and the blood for me. The site of my own blood is something I love, I don't really know why. I'm sure that sounds crazy.

It started when I was a kid because I was really into Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols and I wanted to cut myself like him, but then once I started I couldn't stop and it just became a lifelong habit.

I know drugs and alcohol made it worse, at least I've been able to control it somewhat since I've gotten sober.
 
Well I got some information to explain why... and it isn't crazy at all !!

It's a brain chemical change.... And it is a self produced drug nerurotransmiter called dopamine... That's where we came up with the slang term DOPE http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine

It's related to the brains own reward system http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reward_system

I hope this explains allot ..... I have witnessed it actually happen... some people like adrenaline rush like jumping out of a air plane... well for you it's Dopamine. And you are getting a fix of what brings you comfort.

For me it was alcohol too man... and fed my hunger too... and once I stopped drinking I can control it too.. So it isn't crazy at all !!
 
Thanks for the information.

It's probably the same reason why I love going to Six Flags more than anything else. I can't get enough of roller coasters.

When I was in family court my ex's lawyer used that cutting stuff a lot, he said it showed I was a dangerous person. It was messed up.

I can still remember sitting on the stand for over an hour having him grill me about that stuff.
 
OH man I got some stories for you.... I got a list of injuries from crazy behavior that would make Josef Mengele say **** BOY !!

Hey man I can explain allot of things to you of why you do it... I really can.
 
I can definitely relate

My brain doesn't stop thinking I over thing so much it drives me crazy sometimes I really need help and it just stays bottles up , all my negative thoughts
 
I think I can relate, although I do not know about how it is with you..I may be drastically different.
When the marathon in my head starts, I usually just kinda run, and open a book, or start watching something. Based on the quality of that, it sometimes stops.
But going to sleep is that bad part for me, that is why I go to sleep just when I´m really tired, not to be awake up that long.
Do not know what to advice:/ Hope you feel better by time.
 
My therapy has helped me a lot with mindfulness and rational responsiveness to negative thinking, but there are moments of said negativity that consumes me and I forget about healthy distractions / methods. It's not easy !
 

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