Never First Choice

[Case]

I'm American (for the benefit of those here who are not,) and our NFL season starts in a few days. I am part of a fantasy football league with a couple of friends. One of them is a good friend of mine; a woman who, for weeks, mentioned how I could help her in her first fantasy football draft. I was more than happy to do so. In fact, I was really looking forward to doing so.

Yesterday was our draft, and she said she'd call me to discuss some questions she had.

Less than an hour before our online draft, she texts me saying that she didn't need to talk to me because she had talked to her cousin, and she did her own research.

I felt this sudden rush of disappointment hit me, which is odd because my expectations for my own happiness are so low that I am almost never disappointed. But I was really looking forward to showing her the ropes, so to speak. Now, I feel dismissed and mopey.

I responded to her text with these words, "Okay. Good luck." Despite the weighty feeling in my gut that I had been passed over by my friend, I chose not to express it to her. In fact, I think the best thing for me is to try and get over this disappointment without ever bringing it up to her.

I just don't understand why this meant so much to me. Was it so important for me to impart my "sage wisdom" about fantasy football to her?

The thing is, I don't normally feel this level of disappointment. It was so acute, though, that it was still here this morning, and as a result, I decided to take a month off of Facebook. Now I think to myself, "Why did I do that?" Did I find this disappointment so unbearably uncomfortable that I am now retreating from my friends again? (This would not be the first time.) Seems silly, but I guess that's why I have a social anxiety diagnosis.

I just wish this wasn't bothering me so much. It's not like we had a signed contract that she broke, but she did tell me she would call and she didn't. So, at the very least, she broke an informal social agreement. But these things happen all the time, right? Plans change, plans are cancelled, and those who can adapt do, and those who can't adapt ***** and moan. I don't know if it even makes any sense that I should feel this way.

Anyway, I started thinking about a larger issue. I feel like I'm ALWAYS second-best, an also-ran, a backup plan, a security net, anything but the first choice. I want to be someone's first choice. First choice for seeing a movie, first choice for having lunch, first choice for going on a road trip, etc. But I'm no one's first choice, and I guess this small, seemingly insignificant moment, triggered the feeling I have about myself that no one considers me first.

People always say, "Oh yeah. Don't forget about Case." I get last minute calls from people to do things, apologies that I was not included in something, and before now, I sucked it all up and moved on because (I thought) at least I was being considered at all.

Now, this fantasy football dismissal feels like a last straw, and I am more upset than I think I should be. It feels like my emotions do not match reality, and I don't know why. (Well, I think I know why, but I don't want to go down that rabbit hole.)

Anyway, that's my occasional rant. I'll live.

TL-DR : I was enthusiastic about helping out a friend, but she chose to get her help elsewhere, and I feel more disappointed than I think I should.

 

[LonelySutton]

Oh no, I actually just wrote about this on another board. I am never the person people like best. I am never the person people are most loyal too. It never really bothered me before a couple of years back. I had been up for a job and a co worker was set to retire. We even had a party for her to retire. Not only did I never even suspect she would want to keep working but she never told me she wanted to. Until I was up for a job. Fat dumb and happy I didn't think anything of it when she kept running down to the new boss to "help her" with things like mail. Long story short... she took my job. She could retire with a full pension and instead she snuck around behind my back. Never ever did I see this coming. Almost every single friend of mine that was shared with her... supported her! Their loyalty was to her. As it is today.

I was shocked at how people justified her behavior. They said the boss told her not to say anything. She would have had to take a pay cut if she retired... I could not believe how everyone supported her. I dropped all of them. I still have to be friendly with them but i just use them now.

Here is my theory. This particular co worker is very bossy. I knew from the first day I worked with her that if I didn't "pretend" to be friends with her I would probably have a miserable time. I feel like she kind of puts it out there that you had better support her. Kind of with just her body language. But I put it out there, support me or not, I will be fine. When push comes to shove people are going to choose people first that they feel they have to. Either not consulting these people is going to make a headache for them or they in general feel these people have stronger personalities. But those who hae the "no worries" persona are forgotten because in terms of prioritizing what must be done... those who are problems get first priority.

 

[Case]

Thanks for your story. That sucks. Especially since they all sided with her and seemed to approve the boss' actions.

If the squeaky wheel gets the grease, then I suppose I'll never get the grease. Maybe my friend knows that I am so freaking accommodating that she figured this would be yet another instance where I just brush it off. The thing is, this friend and I never argue. Probably because the first time we argued, she up and broke up our friendship over it. So, I am in a seemingly constant state of appeasement, and I don't know where the line is for when I should rightfully protest. Almost all the time, she goes out of her way to include me, so am I supposed to suck this up too and just deal with it?

I realize my social skills are not in sync with others and I do have a tendency to overthink everything, but this really bothered me.

 

[LonelySutton]

Maybe my friend knows that I am so freaking accommodating that she figured this would be yet another instance where I just brush it off. The thing is, this friend and I never argue. Probably because the first time we argued, she up and broke up our friendship over it. So, I am in a seemingly constant state of appeasement

Well, I am trying something.. it will of course require you be alone more (perhaps at first) just stop being accomodating. In small ways, every day. For instance... if she wants advice and you desperately want to give it, don't. Just keep quiet. If she asks for your help go.. yeh sure, give me a buzz and forget about it and if she calls... let it go to voice mail.. a few times.

People have to learn to value you. That means you can't be so accomodating. I have been trying this is small bits and so far.. it really has been working well. The seem to get even more interested in me and respectful the less I help them out / available I am. But still have a long way to go. It give me pleasue to give people ideas and help and it sucks that I have to be kind of "selfish" for lack of a better word. But interestingly the less available I am, the more they seem to fall into line.