never had a girlfriend, fell in love with roommate

[jim108]

hi lonely life forum,

this is hard to explain. i'm in way over my head. i'm 22 years old, male.

i've never had a girlfriend, or had sex, or even kissed a girl. there were some chances but i never took them, i was too affraid. i once brought a girl home from a disco and she obviously wanted sex but i then sent her home. the first time shouldnt be that random. so my experience is very limited. even with flirting.

i live in an appartement with another guy and a girl. a while (a year...) ago, i fell in love with her, but she had a boyfriend. we've been living here for 3 years. now they seperated and she's having heartache. i'm trying my best to help her get over him. but is that the right thing to do?

we're very close. so close that we've run out of topics to talk about in our every-day-life. i'm affraid that because of that i'm too boring to her, nothing new, nothing exciting. she recently started smacking our other roommates ass from time to time. i hope they dont get together, that would be like living in hell. it doesnt seem that way otherwise tho

if we got togehter, that would be very emotional. and right now, she's emotionally caught with her ex-boyfriend.

what should i do? what can i do? i'm not the kind of guy to just tell her, and she isnt the kind of girl who would like that.

oh boy, i'm a mess

 

[revanushka]

Hello,im not the best at giving advice but ill tell my opinion.
I think that at the moment its risky to tell her.You could wait some time and during this time you should try and make it as easier for her as possible to get over her BF.Try to comfort her and take her out saying it'll do her good.
Well you could also tell her but if she rejects you,you will be very uncomfortable since she is your roommate.Still there's a chance she wont reject you.Its a risk.Are you able to take it?I wouldnt if i were in your shoes..
Yesterday i got rejected from a girl that lives in my dormitory,i told her i like her but she had a BF and had never said that she had one.I try to be relaxed when i see her but its hard and i feel embarassed..I risked and what's done is done..

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

You say you're really close, so if that' really true I think you should tell her your feelings as soon as you can.

Are you 100% sure she's for you though? If she's the sort of girl who breaks up with someone, then starts smacking someone's rear afterwards she might not be your cup of tea (seeing as you stated at the beginning that you don't believe sex should be really casual).

I'm not the best one for giving "asking out" advice (since I've never done it myself), but I think if you do think she's right for you, go ahead and tell her something along the lines of "Hey, I hope this doesn't affect our friendship, but I think really, really like you."

If you wait much longer she'll think you're just a good friend and have no romantic interest, then she'll get someone else and you'll be kicking yourself for ages.

I've had it happen so many times to me, don't get yourself into a cycle of regret. Even if she says no, at least then you know where you stand

If she's truly a nice person it won't ruin your friendship if she doesn't want a relationship - and if she does, that means you're in luck, right?

As for it being "too early", I think if she's slapping guys on the butt that means she's probably in need of some physical attention, or at least wants some kind of romantic thing with someone. If she was stricken with grief she wouldn't do that. So that's another reason I think you should act.

Good luck with whatever course of action you take.

 

[Code S.O.L]

It sounds like she's interested in the other room mate. Since that's the case, there is nothing you can do-or really should do.

Such are the responsibilities of lurking in the friendzone.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Whatever you do, tread carefully you don't want to end up being the rebound guy.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

It sounds like she's interested in the other room mate. Since that's the case, there is nothing you can do-or really should do.

Such are the responsibilities of lurking in the friendzone.

I disagree here. The OP has stated how shitty he would feel if he just let that go ahead, and I'm inclined to think he should voice those feelings rather than just sit back and "take it like a man".

If you have feelings for the girl, OP, go ahead and make her understand that. At least then you won't feel like you screwed up by just sitting back and watching a trainwreck if she suddenly starts shaking the floorboards with this other guy.

 

[Code S.O.L]

I disagree here. The OP has stated how shitty he would feel if he just let that go ahead, and I'm inclined to think he should voice those feelings rather than just sit back and "take it like a man".

If you have feelings for the girl, OP, go ahead and make her understand that. At least then you won't feel like you screwed up by just sitting back and watching a trainwreck if she suddenly starts shaking the floorboards with this other guy.

Would be easier if they could part ways should voicing his feelings go south, but in OP's case, he has to live with the rejection-something that's gonna make things really uncomfortable for both him, and the roomate(both of them, actually).

If she had even an inkling of romantic feelings for OP, then he'd be the one receiving ass smacks-not the other guy. The only way his feeling have a chance of requital, is if its made clear that the otherguy isn't interested.

In anycase, getting into a chest beating contest in a household situation is an incredibly bad idea.....

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Would be easier if they could part ways should voicing his feelings go south, but in OP's case, he has to live with the rejection-something that's gonna make things really uncomfortable for both him, and the roomate(both of them, actually).

If she had even an inkling of romantic feelings for OP, then he'd be the one receiving ass smacks-not the other guy. The only way his feeling have a chance of requital, is if its made clear that the otherguy isn't interested.

In anycase, getting into a chest beating contest in a household situation is an incredibly bad idea.....

To me though, the worst type of action is inaction here. I know what you're trying to say (and it raises valid points), but in that situation, I can't think of anything worse than just sitting there and not voicing my emotions.

Recently I was surprised when I suddenly found out the girl I fancied was apparently sleeping with some guy. That was really unpleasant, knowing that I hadn't asked her out when I really should have.

I wish now, regardless of the consequences, that I had asked her. It's actually awkward whenever I see her now, because she knows I like her, I know she liked me, yet we both know I did nothing.

I think this would be similar. What's worse: perhaps embarrassing yourself temporarily, but then knowing where you are with things...or having to watch the girl you've liked for years obliviously shag your roommate, having no idea that you're interested?

It could be that this girl sees the OP as such a friend that she hasn't contemplated his romantic affections, at which point she might be pleasantly surprised that he's interested and stop the flirting with this other guy.

Just because she isn't smacking his butt doesn't mean she's not interested - it could just mean the other guy is more forward, or even that she respects the OP more not to do that.

For me personally, the pain would be far greater if no action was taken here. There could be nothing worse than staying silent. I can't see that if it's all handled maturely there would be any friction caused in the household.

 

[Chasm]

ill make it simple>>
if it wouldnt b ez as hell 4 u 2 move?
LEAVE IT ALONE


chances r uv only falln 4 her bcuz shes around u a lot
uv already run out of things 2 tlk about
when ppl have thngs in common?
this doesnt happn
put pandora's box DOWN

 

[jim108]

thank you all for your interest and your help. i agree- i need to do something. but i dont think telling her is the way to go, i need something more subtle. but how?

i think you're right TheSolitaryMan, she sees me as a friend and i am not even on her love-radar. yesterday we went out dancing and had a good time, dancing together and having fun. but when we came home she very quickly rushed to her room, said "goodnight" and was gone. she does this quite often, we're sitting somewhere together and then she rushes to her room and closes the door, without looking back.

to the "ran out of things to talk about" - its not as bad as it seems. we do talk. but sometimes, we just sit there and nobody sais anything. i always feel awkward and try to think of something to say while she seems to not care about the silence.

about a year ago, we were very, very close. i'd even say we were close to getting together but then suddenly she had that boyfriend. this is what always happens to me - i fall in love, we get very close and then out of the sudden the girls get a boyfriend out of nowhere. of course we drifted apart a little because of this, it hurt quite a lot. i'd like things to be like they were tho. i'd really like that. even if we're no couple, but i'd like to be able to talk to her the way we talked before she got that boyfriend.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

thank you all for your interest and your help. i agree- i need to do something. but i dont think telling her is the way to go, i need something more subtle. but how?

I once had a girl berate me for being so stealthy with regards to my feelings for relationships, and she told me that "love is not subtle". This rings alarmingly true!

I've always been so subtle that girls don't even realise I'm passionately dying over them in my mind, this goes on for ages and then they go out with someone else and the cycle continues until I feel absolutely awful.

It's a trap that you need to avoid. If you're going to do something, the subtlety should be where and how you tell her, not finding some other way you can do it.

Tell her in private and tell her it's important to you. That way, things won't blow up if it's not a mutual feeling.

She'll respect you far more for just coming out and saying it instead of doing it in a cloak-and-dagger "how can I get around this?" fashion. You'll probably also make more of an impact and there's a greater chance she'll say yes.

Think of it like this - if you're ever going to kiss this girl or even make love to her...those are not subtle actions! When was the last time you saw a couple snogging subtlely? Did you ever hear of a girl going out with a guy because he never, ever said he liked her?

If you want to test the waters with proper "subtlety", be a bit more physical with her.

Sort of touch her gently when you talk to her on the arms or shoulder(s)? Enough to make it obvious that it's more contact than usual, but not sufficient cause for her to feel uncomfortable. Give her lots of eye-contact. If she's receptive to that (smiles, returns the contact), you're probably good to ask her.

If you don't think you can tell her full stop, then you'll just have to realise that clearly she isn't the right girl for you, since you don't feel comfortable enough around her to show your real feelings! A bitter thought that it's not good to settle on.

So I'd recommend just getting her on her own and saying it in a well-phrased manner. I've been many a time down the road of vocal subtlety, and it leads to a dark and lonely path.

You'll feel better in the long run whatever the outcome if you just talk to her about this, I guarantee it

Best of luck!

 

[Anonymous Rex]

thank you all for your interest and your help. i agree- i need to do something. but i dont think telling her is the way to go, i need something more subtle. but how?

i think you're right TheSolitaryMan, she sees me as a friend and i am not even on her love-radar. yesterday we went out dancing and had a good time, dancing together and having fun. but when we came home she very quickly rushed to her room, said "goodnight" and was gone. she does this quite often, we're sitting somewhere together and then she rushes to her room and closes the door, without looking back.

to the "ran out of things to talk about" - its not as bad as it seems. we do talk. but sometimes, we just sit there and nobody sais anything. i always feel awkward and try to think of something to say while she seems to not care about the silence.

about a year ago, we were very, very close. i'd even say we were close to getting together but then suddenly she had that boyfriend. this is what always happens to me - i fall in love, we get very close and then out of the sudden the girls get a boyfriend out of nowhere. of course we drifted apart a little because of this, it hurt quite a lot. i'd like things to be like they were tho. i'd really like that. even if we're no couple, but i'd like to be able to talk to her the way we talked before she got that boyfriend.

A lot of the replies to the first post were contradictary, but to me, the most important thing you can do, is do something.
I've never been good at pursuing the girls I'm attracted to, and I feel like I've let potential opportunities slip by as a result. In retrospect, I wish I'd taken more chances, and intend to tkae more the next time a big attraction comes into my life.

The really tough thing with giving advice is that all the evidence here is third hand - we're hearing your descriptions, but that's filtered through your hopes and doubts - hoping she feels the same, feeling like she probably won't.
The whole arse-smacking thing - that could be because she finds your roommate attractive, or it could be because she feels comfortable doing emotion-free flirtations with him, just having fun, but knows you're more emotional.
For all we know on the board, she could be racing to her room because she's annoyed you've not picked up on the hints she's been giving you to make a move!

You say

this is what always happens to me - i fall in love, we get very close and then out of the sudden the girls get a boyfriend out of nowhere

but does it come out of nowhere? If you put off taking advantage of an opportunity for long enough, eventually it'll go away. For now at least, you've got a window - it could be a couple of months, could be a few more days. Either way, you should have plenty of time to have a ten minute chat with her.

My advice on how to do it - I'd tell her how you feel, but try to put her in a 'no pressure' situation so she feels free to make the decision she wants to make.
I think the biggest mistake you could make (besides doing nothing) is to make her feel pressurised - you want to make her feel that a relationship with you would be a lot of fun.

Not sure if any of that is any use? :S

 

[zaney]

I agree with TheSolitaryMan definitely let her know. I would say just go for it tell her straight up how you feel, without sounding too desperate or infatuated with her. The worst that can happen is rejection which sucks but its only as bad as you make it out to be. Even if the feelings aren't mutual you will feel so relieved to get it off your chest, at least you know you can move on.

 

[revanushka]

I totaly agree with The SolitaryMan and zaney.You'll feel relieved and will move on,you cant-shouldnt love-like a woman for long if the feeling isnt mutual..

 

[jim108]

okay, thank you all for your help once again.

we'll go to the cinema soon, twilight 4, with 2 friends who are a couple. also, we'll go to a party on saturday (with our other roommate).
is it a good idea to take her hand or arm in the cinema? try and get to cuddle? we were watchin tv today and i had my hand on her arm but she didnt do anything, maybe moved back and forth a little, she didnt break the contact tho. for like an hour. is this a good or a bad sign?
how should i act at that party? see what she does with our roommate?
we've been to countless parties together, how can i make this party different? we usually dance together (she doesnt like dancing too close with anyone) - maybe talk to her on our way back? good or bad idea to do this a little drunk?

how should i go at it? something like "i feel i'm startin to fall in love with you.. is this good or shall i not go too far down that path?" ??

sorry, these seem to be stupid and obvious questions. i'm so very insecure when it comes to these things

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

okay, thank you all for your help once again.

we'll go to the cinema soon, twilight 4, with 2 friends who are a couple. also, we'll go to a party on saturday (with our other roommate).
is it a good idea to take her hand or arm in the cinema? try and get to cuddle? we were watchin tv today and i had my hand on her arm but she didnt do anything, maybe moved back and forth a little, she didnt break the contact tho. for like an hour. is this a good or a bad sign?
how should i act at that party? see what she does with our roommate?
we've been to countless parties together, how can i make this party different? we usually dance together (she doesnt like dancing too close with anyone) - maybe talk to her on our way back? good or bad idea to do this a little drunk?

how should i go at it? something like "i feel i'm startin to fall in love with you.. is this good or shall i not go too far down that path?" ??

sorry, these seem to be stupid and obvious questions. i'm so very insecure when it comes to these things

Umm, I wouldn't mention the L word to her. Stick to "like" or "really like" if you're going to explain your feelings. "Love" tends to freak a person out a bit if they're not already romantically involved.

It's not stupid to ask this stuff, it's nice we can help

How blatant was your hand on her arm? If it was quite obvious and she didn't move, that's a good thing. Might I suggest next time you sit with her you just move your leg (specifically your outer thigh) into contact with hers gently, then leave it there for a while?

Girls will definitely shift away slightly if they don't like that, and you can pass it off as accidental, so you won't be embarrassed if she doesn't want you to do that. However, if she likes you she may simply sit still or even press back against you slightly.

If she does react well to that, by all means go ahead and tell her how you feel - there is no better time to do it.

Don't go crazy with the physical contact or abruptly start trying to hug her, just proceed carefully and if she seems to like the attention continue with it

Good luck.

 

[kamya]

Indirect stuff like this might end up being weird or creepy in her mind. Just be direct and say it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Okay, I'm sorry but I'm going to be the bad pill here cause I really don't agree with some of the advice here.

i live in an appartement with another guy and a girl. a while (a year...) ago, i fell in love with her, but she had a boyfriend. we've been living here for 3 years. now they seperated and she's having heartache. i'm trying my best to help her get over him. but is that the right thing to do?

First of all, she was in a relationship for 3 years, that may not seem like a long time but it's enough time for someone to bond with another person. You said she's having heartache right now and you are trying to help her get over him. Does anyone not see the potential problem here? Seriously, she needs to get over this guy first. If you try to jump in then you end up being the rebound guy, like I mentioned. I wasn't joking. She needs to be over him before she moves on to the next guy, or else she could end up back with him. It could end up being a good thing or end horribly with you getting your heart stomped on. Trust me, I've been there before, and with someone who I have known for half my life and we had feelings for each other. We were close, we knew everything about each other and even shared things that happened between the times we lost contact.

we're very close. so close that we've run out of topics to talk about in our every-day-life. i'm affraid that because of that i'm too boring to her, nothing new, nothing exciting. she recently started smacking our other roommates ass from time to time. i hope they dont get together, that would be like living in hell. it doesnt seem that way otherwise tho

This shouldn't happen with someone you think you are close with. You be able to find things to talk about and when you don't you should feel comfortable in each others company. Not feel like you are boring her, I don't think you are quite as close as you feel you are. You have another male roommate around, not a good thing either. If she's doing this with him instead of you that cause for caution as well. You don't want to end up in a relationship and she's fooling around with him behind your back.

if we got togehter, that would be very emotional. and right now, she's emotionally caught with her ex-boyfriend.

Huge red flag here, like I was saying above.

what should i do? what can i do? i'm not the kind of guy to just tell her, and she isnt the kind of girl who would like that.

oh boy, i'm a mess

Should you tell her how you feel? Only you can answer that. Telling you to just go for it could go two ways, and how you approach it. Like some have suggested, use like or really like, some say just come out and say love and both sides have said saying the other could freak her out. That is exactly what could happen no matter how you approach it. This isn't "there's this girl I like" this is a "there's this girl I live with that I like who's recently gone through a break up and I'm helping her through it" kind of situation.

She is in a delicate state right now, women take break ups a lot harder then most men do. With my friend she swore she was committed to me, she made promises. I was up front telling her we shouldn't be involved until she had everything straightened around in her life. I would be there for her but until then we needed to becareful. I didn't want to get hurt, and I didn't want her to get hurt. She was a mess. When she left to fight for her kids she made a promise to me and she broke it, she walked up behind me and stabbed me in the heart, she used me as an emotional door mat and she knew exactly how I felt about her. I still got hurt.

Whatever you do YOU have to feel comfortable about doing. I'm not trying to scare you off but sometimes these situations don't end up so well. Be very, VERY careful at how you proceed with this. You don't want to end up missing out on something that could have potential and be something great, but you don't want to end up being the rebound guy and have her break you heart. Be sure this isn't just a crush since you live with her, be sure you do really truly care about her beyond friends.

 

[passage]

My advice will be harsh but honest. During outings with her, get more physical (dont grope her!), but more touching. When you feel a good moment (especially if you are dancing, but make sure no one else can see) go in for a kiss. If she rejects, act like nothing happened, and continue dancing and try and get over her. Realistically she sees you as a friend, nothing more (but of course I dont know every detail). Get over her, cause she probably doesn't feel the same way. It will hurt, but only because at the moment she is your only option. Forgot women for a while and do something to build your confidence (for me it was working out, regardless of your physcial improvements, its helps increase confidence). Believe me, there is a whole sea of women, many that are much better than her. If you don't want to be awkward around your roommate, dont even try. Rather, build some confidence, and use her as a "sling" to introduce you to other women. You already have some social circle, so going out isn't a problem for you.

 

[jim108]

we wanted to go to a bar today. i had classes late. so we texted
7.15, her: hey! i'm with the others already. we don't know yet if we'll go. text me if you wanna come.
8.15, me: hey! just got home, ill eat real quick. you already know if ur goin? if you do, ill join you!
8.16, her: we just left. you gotta know if you still wanna come.
9.00, me: i'll come, what bar are you at?
9.03, her: the one we're always at. we won't stay much longer. i dont think it'll be worth it.

our other roommate is at that bar today too, with his colleges. he wrote me:
9.26, him: you still coming?
me: kate said it wont be worth it theyll leave soon. did you meet them?
him: yea shes standing next to me, they dont know yet

shall all red warning flags be raised now? am i overanalysing or doesnt she want me to be there?

i hate this. one second im happy, the next second im depressed because she didnt formulate a text message kindly. one second im planning to tell her how i feel, the next i feel awfully stupid to even consider she could have feelings for me. noone ever did, why should the woman im living with for 3 years now suddenly start.

maybe ill ask her if she didnt want me to be there today. asking people if they dont like me seems to be easier than telling them i like them.

i feel so pathetic.