No longer feel welcomed

[WallflowerGirl83]

My parents are always getting on me about my life. Asking me about marriage when it's the last thing on my mind. My mother never liked any of my friends. Step Father is disrespectful to my own mother, I find myself actuallly disgusted with him. My two brothers have always been mean to me growing up. My older brother bullied me and my younger brother growing up, than my younger brother turned against me as well. Now my mother brushes everything under the rug. Anytime she talks to me I can't help but become sarcastic with her cause she never even pays no attention to me until I start to leave the house. Than all the sudden she wants to know about my life, who I talk too and what are my plans. The more I get asked, the more annoyed I get. Anytime I speak my mind on how I feel I get ignored, if I have different views about anything I get looked at like there's something wrong with me. To be honest I cuss sometimes, It may not be attractive to some but anytime I do my step father tells me to act like a young lady. I'm not old fashion at all and I speak freely, maybe that upsets them which I can understand. Been bullied my whole life and now that I'm finally expressing myself, they act as if I'm nuts. Why? Cause I finally have a voice? Because I'm not allowing them to always have the last word? My mom is nosey and gossips... so much is frustrating me right now. Than I get asked about college. Yeah sure I'd like to take classes if I wasn't so depressed all the time. "Just deal with it and be happy." my mother tells me. The more and more I type this out the more I realize why I can't stand my family anymore. Can't say much about my brothers except for the fact that both of them ignore me too. Not much is left of my family, I wouldn't be surprised if one day I stopped talking to them....

 

[dreamsurfer]

I notice things like this that all the time. When people can't step on you anymore they start looking at you like you're the bad guy. They get all suprised and tounge tied when they realize you won't take their crap anymore. Oh and then the passive-aggressive stuff starts. Anyway at least you're not bothered anymore. It sounds like your family uses peer pressure to try and sway opinions. Mine uses guilt tripping but that's another story.

I'll say this about family: you don't have to like them but you have to love them. They are the only family you have and regardless of how annoying your parents get you still have to show them some respect. When you do express yourelf try not to go overboard. I know you probably have a lot of erm... opinions... but you have to be careful that you don't hurt anyone. You don't want to be "unwelcoming" yourself y'know? Just try not to let the negative things get to you and try to feel better. I think as long as you stand up for yourself you'll be fine.

 

[Misanthrope23]

do you have the means of leaving your family? maybe it's best to set some distance from them for a while so that you can cope better. it may be hard taking classes if your depressed but in my opinion the college atmosphere is very friendly, and there are many chances where there are people that can relate to you. i always feel better when i'm at college then at home. it's like a huge weight has been temporarily lifted. i'm not the best at making friends, and could do better than the way i am, and it's hard since i'm a defeatist. but i'm at least a little bit better than before. though having the money for classes it is another thing, and i have the eventual paying if loans to worry about =\

 

[perfanoff]

Are you nuts? How can she leave her family and expect that ANYONE out there will care more about her than her own mother.

Just because you can express yourself, Wall, that doesn't mean you are wise, or know and accept the way to happiness. And yes, it involves going to college, and yes, it involves listening to your parents, and yes, it involves getting married. If your mother is not good at comforting you (I know all about it with mine) that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that doesn't mean her advice is bad. That advice she gave is the single answer to life, "Just deal with it and be happy". But it's ultimately up to you to find the strength in yourself to go down this road.

 

[bodafuko]

Wallflower Girl,

Your post could have been written by me. I can totally empathize with what it feels like to watch your family dissolve and discard (neglect/abuse) you in the process. Mine has been going through this for at least a decade now. I have no relationship with my father and haven't for 20 years now. The two people closest to me in my life growing up (my mom and grandmother) have both betrayed me in the last five years. I never thought I would see the day, but they showed egregious and reckless disregard for me as a person. The worst part is they are completely unapologetic and act as though they could care less if I dropped off the face of the planet. I have done a lot for these people. For the last four years, I have really stepped away from my family. They are toxic and abusive and sick. The last twelve months I know longer contact them. Essentially, speaking when spoken to. I do return calls. My brothers and sisters have all abandoned me too. The more I try to improve my life by being a stronger person or taking control of myself or educating myself, the more they all act distant from me and try to bring me down. I now have no use for anyone in my family. This is sad as I used to be the most caring and loyal person that I knew of. All of my loyalty was for naught. I still believe blood is thicker than water from a basic human conduct point-of-view but beyond that I have no use for any of them any more. My parents clearly care more for my brothers and sisters that mooch off of them and are dependent upon them. They resent my independence and the fact that I demand respect from people. If a comet strikes, I hope it lands near them all.

 

[Misanthrope23]

Are you nuts? How can she leave her family and expect that ANYONE out there will care more about her than her own mother.

Just because you can express yourself, Wall, that doesn't mean you are wise, or know and accept the way to happiness. And yes, it involves going to college, and yes, it involves listening to your parents, and yes, it involves getting married. If your mother is not good at comforting you (I know all about it with mine) that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that doesn't mean her advice is bad. That advice she gave is the single answer to life, "Just deal with it and be happy". But it's ultimately up to you to find the strength in yourself to go down this road.

"just deal with life and be happy" i can't stand people that say this bull crap because having a good or bad life is subjective. you don't know the true situation that she's in. and if it was that easy to "just deal with life and be happy" than there wouldn't be so many people on this forum trying to cope with their problems now would they? and no not all parents are good. im sure all the blacks that had their fathers leave them can agree to that. most parents are only good at making slaves out of their children and any time the children think on their own they're scolded. so please stop spreading optimistic b.s. like "just deal with life and be happy."

 

[dreamsurfer]

Are you nuts? How can she leave her family and expect that ANYONE out there will care more about her than her own mother.

Just because you can express yourself, Wall, that doesn't mean you are wise, or know and accept the way to happiness. And yes, it involves going to college, and yes, it involves listening to your parents, and yes, it involves getting married. If your mother is not good at comforting you (I know all about it with mine) that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that doesn't mean her advice is bad. That advice she gave is the single answer to life, "Just deal with it and be happy". But it's ultimately up to you to find the strength in yourself to go down this road.

"just deal with life and be happy" i can't stand people that say this bull crap because having a good or bad life is subjective. you don't know the true situation that she's in. and if it was that easy to "just deal with life and be happy" than there wouldn't be so many people on this forum trying to cope with their problems now would they? and no not all parents are good. im sure all the blacks that had their fathers leave them can agree to that. most parents are only good at making slaves out of their children and any time the children think on their own they're scolded. so please stop spreading optimistic b.s. like "just deal with life and be happy."

Seriously?

 

[perfanoff]

Are you nuts? How can she leave her family and expect that ANYONE out there will care more about her than her own mother.

Just because you can express yourself, Wall, that doesn't mean you are wise, or know and accept the way to happiness. And yes, it involves going to college, and yes, it involves listening to your parents, and yes, it involves getting married. If your mother is not good at comforting you (I know all about it with mine) that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that doesn't mean her advice is bad. That advice she gave is the single answer to life, "Just deal with it and be happy". But it's ultimately up to you to find the strength in yourself to go down this road.

"just deal with life and be happy" i can't stand people that say this bull crap because having a good or bad life is subjective. you don't know the true situation that she's in. and if it was that easy to "just deal with life and be happy" than there wouldn't be so many people on this forum trying to cope with their problems now would they? and no not all parents are good. im sure all the blacks that had their fathers leave them can agree to that. most parents are only good at making slaves out of their children and any time the children think on their own they're scolded. so please stop spreading optimistic b.s. like "just deal with life and be happy."

Boy are you a piece of work. I had a pretty long post for you, but I'll spare the forum of it. Suffice it to say, having a good or a bad life is OBJECTIVE, and your PERCEPTION of your life is subjective. That's what her mom's advice says: improve your life and improve your perception of your own life.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

My mother has been saying that phrase all my life. She expects me to brush things under the rug. My mother currently is married to my step father and they fight all the time. Anytime she's upset she expects people to rush over to her and ask her what's wrong. I know my mother, I've been living all my life being ignored by my family. When I was in an abusive relationship and started fading away from them. None of them asked me what was up and I never spoke up clearly cause I thought I wasn't cared about. I posted this cause I was upset. I respect the ones that gave me a clear response. Any person who suffers from depression knows when people are telling you to just deal with it and be happy isn't the right thing to say. Especially to their own child, my mom brushes things under the rug and expects me to do the same. My step father always tells her to "shut up" "stop you f-ing mouth right now" once my mother was on the phone with a guy on the phone asking why the net wasn't working. And my step father yelled, "If you make me look like fool infront of this man, I swear I'll throw this mug at you!" Who says that to someone they love? Clearly an abusive man. My mother takes up for him and denies they even fight. My mother takes his side and she even betrayed me whenever I told her anything. She comes to me for information, so she can go to work and gossip at Wal-Mart. If I stand up for myself ever, she talks to me as if I'm lower than her. Trust me I know what I see and am not blind. This isn't written to anyone specifically but I just needed to get this out. Maybe that's why I fell in love with abusive men before cause that's what I saw in my house hold but now I want control of my life. I deserve happiness and freedom. They may be my family but my friends know me better than my own family does cause they ask me how I'm doing. On the other hand my mother askes me if anything is going on in my life but I know she only wants information. Yesterday my step father mentioned something personal I told my mother, and than yelled at me in the process. She simply betrayed me, and it hurts me so much. I care for my mother I do but all her actions say something else about her. Now I feel like I can't tell her anything, simply cause of the fact that everything I tell her, she tells her co-workers about it. And I'm a very private person, shy, quiet and hate gossip with the passion cause gossip only hurts others in the end. I'm open on the other hand, if I need to say something I'll say it. That doesn't mean I'm a cruel person but why hide feelings? It only hurts yourself in the end to bottle things in, and I learned that over time. Now I'm always open and honest with my feelings and I feel as it frustrates them cause they know I'm not gonna sit there and take that treatment. Nobody should.

 

[dreamsurfer]

Quite honestly it sounds like your mom is wrapped up in her abusive relationship and will do anything to deny how disfunctional it is - even if that means treating you like a kid... Taking your opinions in account would mean taking in account that her marrage is horrible and that would probably cause her to shut down. That's probably why she is so content with the "just be happy" motto. However it does not sound like she's happy at all.

Regardless it looks like all the crap from that relationship is coming down on you which isn't really fair. And your opinions are going to be discredited because they would rather live in denial. But now you can see first hand how an abusive relationship can hurt you and everyone around you. You should set some boundaries. You need to let your mother know that conversations between the two of you are private - between mother and daughter - and that if she can't handle that then you can no longer trust her with your feelings. If your mom is as deep in denial as she sounds subtle suggestions will not register. Tough love is necessary.

Try to spend time doing things you love. Feeling like your own home is a warzone is trying on anyone and you don't want to get wrapped in that.

 

[bodafuko]

Sounds like your family is trash, dump 'em.

 

[Misanthrope23]

im sure all the blacks that had their fathers leave them can agree to that.

yeah you didn't know? most African-Americans in America are without a father who takes care of them especially in urban areas. go to Brooklyn, Newark, or Detroit and ask them what they think about their father compared to their mother, and you'll get a quick response.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Wow that's horrible. There's so many horrible things I've been noticing. It's like I'm waking up from a coma, and seeing how things really are all around me. One thing I noticed is how I help people out with their problems and put my feelings last. I've been trying so hard to please other people but worry less about my own. Since the beginning of the year I noticed a big change come over me, it's not all that bad but different. I find myself enjoying things more on my own and less with people. I've been betrayed so much in my life that I find a hard trying to trust others around me. There's ones who I do personally trust, but I'm weary of other people. Not trying to shut anyone out but there's days where I need to be alone so I can get back my energy that others take from me. I'm a very caring person and I actually enjoy helping others but sometimes it wears me out to the bone. Recently I did pick up some meditation books and hopefully they'll help out my stress. Headaches and backaches are not fun. I'm so tired of all this stress, it's really wearing me down.

 

[Misanthrope23]

Wow that's horrible. There's so many horrible things I've been noticing. It's like I'm waking up from a coma, and seeing how things really are all around me. One thing I noticed is how I help people out with their problems and put my feelings last. I've been trying so hard to please other people but worry less about my own. Since the beginning of the year I noticed a big change come over me, it's not all that bad but different. I find myself enjoying things more on my own and less with people. I've been betrayed so much in my life that I find a hard trying to trust others around me. There's ones who I do personally trust, but I'm weary of other people. Not trying to shut anyone out but there's days where I need to be alone so I can get back my energy that others take from me. I'm a very caring person and I actually enjoy helping others but sometimes it wears me out to the bone. Recently I did pick up some meditation books and hopefully they'll help out my stress. Headaches and backaches are not fun. I'm so tired of all this stress, it's really wearing me down.

i'm sorry to hear that wallflowergirl

 

[SophiaGrace]

Are you nuts? How can she leave her family and expect that ANYONE out there will care more about her than her own mother.

Just because you can express yourself, Wall, that doesn't mean you are wise, or know and accept the way to happiness. And yes, it involves going to college, and yes, it involves listening to your parents, and yes, it involves getting married. If your mother is not good at comforting you (I know all about it with mine) that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, that doesn't mean her advice is bad. That advice she gave is the single answer to life, "Just deal with it and be happy". But it's ultimately up to you to find the strength in yourself to go down this road.

I like how you automatically assume her mother actually loves her.

 

[perfanoff]

You're right Sophia. It isn't necessarily so.

 

[dreamsurfer]

All I can tell you is to be sure not to lose yourself. It is my greatest fear that I would lose myself in a world of fear and hate and become my greatest enemy.

Trust is not something that everyone deserves.

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

Whether you are religious or not this has been proven time and time again. You may have much to give but be sure that the people you give it to deserve it.

This is not to say that you should never be kind - only that you cannot give yourself to someone who is not willing to do the same for you.

 

[el Jay]

Wow that's horrible. There's so many horrible things I've been noticing. It's like I'm waking up from a coma, and seeing how things really are all around me. One thing I noticed is how I help people out with their problems and put my feelings last. I've been trying so hard to please other people but worry less about my own. Since the beginning of the year I noticed a big change come over me, it's not all that bad but different. I find myself enjoying things more on my own and less with people. I've been betrayed so much in my life that I find a hard trying to trust others around me. There's ones who I do personally trust, but I'm weary of other people. Not trying to shut anyone out but there's days where I need to be alone so I can get back my energy that others take from me. I'm a very caring person and I actually enjoy helping others but sometimes it wears me out to the bone. Recently I did pick up some meditation books and hopefully they'll help out my stress. Headaches and backaches are not fun. I'm so tired of all this stress, it's really wearing me down.

Ugh, I know the feeling. People who are selfish and don't really care about you, only what you can do for them. That's one reason I'm so much of a loner, despite enjoying socializing.

I hope you can find a way to continue being nice to the people that deserve your kindness and can shut out the rude, selfish people that would just abuse that kindness. My only solution has been to let my anxiety end up shutting me off from people, which prevents me from helping people I would otherwise be helping.

I don't really know what I can say, except good luck with things. Happiness seems to be a difficult thing to find, especially for people who've been hurt before.

 

[SophiaGrace]

What is happiness? Feeling right with the world?

I would advise the OP to go give college a shot despite her depression. I've been depressed in college to the point of contemplating suicide daily, but I should be graduating in december of 2013 if I play my cards right. I'm close, you can do it too. Just hold on and keep pushing forward. Seek support amongst your peers. Things got so much better for me once I found lovely friends at college. One of these frends has major issues with major depressive disorder and she is pushing through college anyways. I'm proud of her.