Online Dating? -- also, could use some advice

[Merieth]

hello everyone, i just joined these forums today so i thought i would make a couple posts.

well, where do i start? i have tried online dating in the past, but it never seemed to work out. but, i am still hopeful that i will have some luck. if you don't like online dating, please dont tell me that i am stupid for believing in it =(

anyways, the people i have dated online in the past were not from dating websites, but from online games. so right there, we had something in common. i "dated" some of them for over 2 years, but nothing ever worked out. i can see clearly the mistakes i have made, but most of the guys were no good, and just looking to take advantage of me. (or so i felt)

i have been told that online dating is silly and never can work out, and as soon as i slightly start to believe that, i meet another person online that seems really nice; this is the situation i am in right now, so please give me some advice if you can, because i really have no idea what to think.

basically, about a month and a half ago, i met someone over this website called DeviantArt... i noticed that his avatar was of my favorite game character, so I started talking to him, and quickly we found that we have a lot in common and so we spent lots of time together talking every day.

he is always very kind to me and treats me nicely and makes me laugh, and he really listens to me when im talking and cares about what i am saying. we always have long and interesting conversations and play online games together often and it is very fun to see that our teamwork often leads us to victory

then, maybe a few weeks ago, i started developing a crush on him... because we have so much in common, and it's always so much fun talking to him -- we connect so well and always make each other happy and cheerful even if one of us is sad. i waited until recently to tell him, because he said he is the kind of person who "doesn't like to make the first move" -- he has never been in a relationship before, and when i told him how much he means to me and that i have a crush on him, he really didnt know what to say.

i asked how he felt, and he told me he didnt know. he said he couldnt answer me yet.

i know i shouldnt worry about whether or not he feels the same, but sometimes i find myself wondering about it, and since i dont have many friends, i have low self esteem about myself at times.

he spends lots of time with me and treats me very sweetly and always "*hugs*" me before going to sleep.

I am happy that he is my friend, but I can't help but have a crush on him just because of how much we have in common and how much of a great person he is.

anyway, I am open to advice and suggestions (please dont be harsh..im really sensitive) when it comes to what you think i should do.

i also have a couple questions for the guys out there-

is it true that some guys do not understand their feelings and cant make up their mind?

what is it that a guy values most in a girl? (i know guys dont like controlling girls and im not like that)

do you think that he may have some feelings for me? or should i just play it cool and not say anything again for a few more months?

what kinds of things should i look out for to get a better idea of how he feels?

thats all i can think of for now.

i am always myself around him, i never try to put on some fake act or whatever.. so i am always honest with how i feel (usually i am pretty upbeat, but lately i have been slightly stressing about some things in my life, but im not letting it get me down ^^)

thank you for reading, im sorry it was so long, i just wanted to get everything written down.

 

[Haz]

Online dating is a gamble and has its downsides, but if you put yourself out there it can work in your favour.

is it true that some guys do not understand their feelings and cant make up their mind?

Of course, just like some women do.

what is it that a guy values most in a girl? (i know guys dont like controlling girls and im not like that)

This is such a broad question, the depth of conflicting human needs and desires is immense.

Some submissive men desire a mistress actually, being controlling might not seem like a desirable trait on the surface but for some people it is what they want in a partner.

do you think that he may have some feelings for me? or should i just play it cool and not say anything again for a few more months?

what kinds of things should i look out for to get a better idea of how he feels?

Sure, it's possible. Sometimes i've had a heartache for a girl i've developed a friendship with online, but have been unable to express my feelings for her. I've gotten better with it as i've gotten older, but it can be hard to understand how I feel deep down in the first place let alone putting such feelings into words.

Don't press the issue, you seem to have probed him a little already and he seemed unsure how he wanted to respond. Give him time.

 

[Merieth]

wow Haz, thank you very much for your reply! you have made me feel a bit better about this whole thing. I absolutely agree, I need to give him time.

thank you so much!! i was stressing so much when i wrote this post but i feel a little more at ease now that i know i still have a chance

 

[trZ]

Have you met this guy in real life? Because if not, his insecurity might come from that fact alone. About your questions about if guys can be insecure and what they like in girls etc.. I think Haz is absolutely right. I am in no position to make that call.

If I where him, I would probably want you to try to be straight. From your perspective I think it would be easier on you to know right away, even if it ended up being nothing there. Do you see where I'm coming from here? It would be bad if you waited several months and then got rejected, getting your hopes up and whatnot.

And, just out of curiousity - What game are you guys playing?

 

[Code S.O.L]

Ah yes..... I've been in this situation before. There was only one person I encountered during my online dating attempts that wasn't stuck in Nigeria and needed my help. I think I can honestly relate to where this dude's coming from. Like him, I haven't been in a relationship, and am absolutely paranoid about making that proverbial first move. It wasn't too long before she lost interest in me....

I'd say that if you want this badly enough, then there should be nothing stopping you from making that move, but after reading your posts, it's obvious that you have about as much confidence and experience as he has.

Ugh.... The highschool theory rings true here aswell. Only, it's even worse between two people in similar situations. The thick wall of ice their combined insecurities make becomes practically unbreakable.

But of course, all of this is assuming he lives in the same area as you do. He does live in the same area, doesn't he?

 

[EveWasFramed]

Just my two cents....

Give him some time to come up with the right words. Whatever he is thinking or feeling, he may not be able to find the words to articulate that. Some men, usually the ones who cant find the proper words to convey what they feel/think, will often SHOW you how they feel. Keep that in mind...

 

[Merieth]

trz - we only know each other online, and I have told him how I feel about him. he said he doesnt know how to respond yet but he said he will eventually give me an answer (here's hoping it's a good one!)

Code - no, we live around 5 hours away. make what move, exactly? I already told him how I feel about him and it's no secret to him that I like him as more than a friend again, he just said that he doesnt know how to answer yet. he told me that he is not the kind of person to make the first move in anything, so i did. it is something i wanted him to know, and a feeling i wanted him to share, and so i told him. i have no regrets, i only hope that some day he will feel the same way about me. I am insecure at times, yeah, but I think a lot of people are.. however, I don't let those insecurities stop me from reaching out for something that I think will truly make me happy

Eve - thank you for your response! I only wonder how long he will need to think it over... I understand what you mean, I guess it's just a little harder to know because it is online. he spends a lot of his time with me though and likes to make me laugh and feel happy, but I'm trying not to make the assumption that he likes me the same way I like him.. it's really tough. I will definitely keep that in mind though, thank you for the advice!

 

[Badjedidude]

is it true that some guys do not understand their feelings and cant make up their mind?

No. Believe it or not, guys are people. And people are either decisive or not. It has very little to do with gender, but with personality.

what is it that a guy values most in a girl? (i know guys dont like controlling girls and im not like that)

Some guys DO like controlling women. Personally, I like women who are loyal, honest, intelligent, and humorous. And then if they're smokin' hot, it's a plus.

do you think that he may have some feelings for me? or should i just play it cool and not say anything again for a few more months?

That's not really something we can answer. It's hard for any of us to know YOUR personal situation (or his).

what kinds of things should i look out for to get a better idea of how he feels?

If he doesn't bring it up, he doesn't bring it up. Harping on it or pushing him won't buy you any points with him, so... be patient. Give it time. If he likes you, he'll let you know. If not... well, you'll figure it out eventually. So no worries, eh?

Good luck with things.

 

[Merieth]

I guess you're right, jedi. I haven't been "harping" on him though or pushing him. I am being patient, I'm just trying to learn to better understand the opposite gender.

I just don't want to be ignorant about how to go about these things, ya know? I want to learn as much as I can so that way I can avoid making these kind of mistakes (pushing him, bugging him about it, being a general pain in the ass, etc)

hopefully I'll figure it out someday lol, but yeah, it hasn't been very long so i am optimistic!

thank you for the good luck wishes

 

[neejau]

Well from my own experience:

I met someone over the internet who lived about 3/4hours away from me and we talked everyday. We switched cellphone numbers at some point and I was basically talking/texting/IM'ing with her all days long. Which went well for a couple of months and it felt pretty good. The thing where we went wrong was trust. It's hard to trust someone you never met. I mean...
Just imagine yourself talking with him for a while and all is well. But what if someone from "real-life" starts showing interests in you, and for some reason you like him as well. Than things REALLY start to get rough. Or visa versa - He meets someone he likes from real life!

Once again, just my experience, might come useful !
And I’m definitely NOT saying it will not work out. I've seen MANY, but really MANY internet relations work out perfectly fine. And I hope you will have a great success! Just thought I’d share my story here!
Good luck and keep us up to date !

 

[Merieth]

thank you for sharing your story! I doubt I will find someone who likes me in real life, mostly just because of the fact that I don't go out of the house much, except for college. I dunno really, his personality is spot-on with what I like ... I think it would just depend on who liked me *more* but I can see it being painful being on either side... even if I DID meet someone in real life, I think i would still put this guy first, but I would tell him what was up and that I still liked HIM better. at least then i would have more options, i guess.

he also doesnt really go anywhere much, and he said that no one has ever thought of him so highly except for his family. he goes to conventions sometimes, but he hasnt met anyone there (yet lol. it would be my luck for him to eventually meet someone wouldnt it?)

why didnt you trust her? i mean sure it was online and everything.. maybe i am just different, but i trust him.

also, just another question... how long did you know each other online?

thanks again for sharing the story and offering your advice =)

 

[trZ]

"I doubt I will find someone who likes me in real life"
- Bullshit

"I dunno really, his personality is spot-on with what I like"
- There are more men like him

When I'm reading your posts, Merieth, I am feeling that you are setting yourself up for some major pain. You have got to realize that this guy isn't the only one out there for you. That's just a fact. I know your feelings are running wild over him and attraction ain't logical, but just chill out. It will all be easier if you realize that you don't need him, and you realize that you have options.

 

[Merieth]

@trZ

I'm just being honest with how I feel, because I don't go out of the house enough to really *meet* people haha.

I'm sure you're right about there being more guys like him, I just don't know where to find them.

yeah, setting myself up for major pain... it has been the story of my life really, for about 5 years or so? I'm trying to NOT be like that but it's tough. I'd like to not experience the pain but it seems like that's what believing in someone causes sometimes. I am chilled out

I know I don't NEED him, and I know I will survive if he turns out to be a jerk or doesn't like me... I've been through this before, I know what's up, I know what to expect. I have all the logic sorted out in my head, it's just that the whole illogical thing gets in my way a lot of the time. it's tough, I know you are right though.

thanks for taking the time to reply to me, everything in your post is correct, but for me it is hard to stay 100% logical all the time and really think about the things you say. as for the "finding someone who likes me in real life" I really dont know about that, and I'm just stating how I honestly feel.. whether it's bullshit or not.

I have accepted the fact that i don't *need* man in my life to be happy... nah, I'm stronger than that, dont worry. but that doesn't mean I DONT really want one in my life -- I think everyone does. I probably come off as seeming needy and thinking that I can't survive without a guy in my life or whatever -- nah, deep down I don't feel that way. I used to think that way, when I was younger, but I learned. I know better now, and I know that no matter what happens I will always be me and that will never change. Life goes on through good or bad, so whatever will be will be.

I just can't help being really hopeful about it and really wanting him to be someone I can expect to have around for a long time, if not forever -- just reading that sentence, ya it's very illogical wanting to have him around "forever' and I can see the childishness of wanting that, but that's how i am. *shrug*

my family says the same thing, that I am setting myself up for pain, and I know it, because I do it all the time. I don't know how to stop it, honestly. I have been chilling out more lately though, like... I'm not thinking about it as much, if at all anymore. sometimes it's just a surprise to me to find someone I really like and have a lot in common with, then i ask myself: well what's so cool about me? I wonder what makes me a likable person? and I feel insecure, but then I realize.. there's no changing who I am and if he doesn't like me then whatever.

there's a lot going through my mind about it all, you know? I think too much in the fast forward sometimes, and I think that has been my major downfall for a lot of things. I'm working on it though, and I'm getting better at not being that way.

anywho, thanks again for your response!

 

[trZ]

I think its perfectly natural to want someone you get along with to be around for the rest of your life. In a perfect world I'd be having just that.

"thanks for taking the time to reply to me, everything in your post is correct, but for me it is hard to stay 100% logical all the time and really think about the things you say. as for the "finding someone who likes me in real life" I really dont know about that, and I'm just stating how I honestly feel.. whether it's bullshit or not."

Ok, this is what I would call low self-esteem - You have a very low self-esteem, and from my experiences it is illogical and simply put not justified. You are being too hard on yourself. That being said, there is nothing stopping you from being someone who you think would have great success with finding and keeping men around. I don't know how old you are, but we are always growing and evolving. Make sure it is in a positive direction. This goes for life in general.

I'm going to be completely honest here, Merieth...

Look, you can't invest heavy emotionally into this guy at this point. Its totally unfair on him and it will only make it hard for you. Fact is, you are talking online and you've developed a crush on him. That's cool. But you shouldn't be investing so much emotionally that it will break you if the feelings aren't mutual. As I said, there's loads of people out there, don't stress too much about *this* guy. He's just a guy, there's countless of other guys out there for you.

I don't know why you don't leave your house, but I suggest you do in any way possible. I think it's horrible that you sit inside thinking that you can't get a relationship in real life. I think you should put yourself out there and do an effort to find someone.

And you do come off to me as kind of desperate. No worries, you're not alone - But please come to the realization that you have so many options, you don't need him nor his approval.

 

[Merieth]

whoa, you're being a little bit harsh, but it's ok. I understand that you're trying to help me out.

however.. my self esteem is NOT "very low" and it's offensive to hear you say that about me. I have insecurities just like everyone else on this planet; I got problems just like everyone else. sure I have some self esteem issues here and there, and I'm pretty sure most people on this forum do.. but I don't have "very low" self esteem. I doubt my looks sometimes, sure.. I hear a lot of girls doubting themselves in one way or another -- it's part of growing up IMO. finding the good things about yourself and accepting who you are, and realizing that if someone doesn't accept who you are and what you look like, then they arent worth it. it is true that I am hard on myself sometimes, but I don't let that affect myself or my decisions.

it has nothing to do with me thinking I am not a good person, because I know what my good qualities are and I know what i deserve -- I said that because the people I have met thus far have been people I cannot relate to or connect with. I meet new people every day at college, and it's a blast getting to know them all, but they are just acquaintances. they are struggling through life just as I am, and most of them have busy lives.


I don't grow in a negative direction, I am always positive about the future and my goals in life. you make it sound like i am someone who just wants to give up on everything and call myself a failure every chance i get. no, it's not that way. I've been through some hardships just like everyone else... I've been hurt and scarred, but I don't have a negative outlook on life. it doesnt really matter if I may believe I might never find someone, that doesn't mean im going to stop looking. if i dont, hey, that's fine, I still can have fun by myself... if I do meet someone, great, I will be happy and pleasantly surprised.

I'm not investing heavily emotionally into him, I'm not sure why you think that. I have a crush on him, that's it. I like seeing him and being around him... I don't feel worthless when he's not around, nor do I sit around and wait for him all day. he is not my life, there is MUCH more to life than him. I have been meeting more people online and I don't just talk to him. he IS the person I get along with best, and that's what matters most. nothing is going to break me, I can't be broken.. I'm stronger than that

I'm not really stressing over him where I'm losing sleep or whatever... i just sometimes wonder about it. the thought will cross my mind. sure, he's *just* a guy, but he's special... to me. countless guys for me? I dunno... that's a nice thought, though. maybe there's some secret hideout for nice guys I haven't discovered yet!

I am happy being in my house, it's where I feel comfortable. I am going to college full-time and will soon be working part time, so I think im okay.

I see people around me "making efforts to find someone" all the time .. I've seen a lot of heart break, and I was very sad when my best friend got into several failed relationships that left her sad, lonely and unsure of herself. it's really not that I think I CANT find someone, it's more that I think i WONT find someone who will treat me as I want to be treated. if I see someone who seems interesting, I'll talk to them, but I'm not going to go to bars or clubs or whatever looking for a date, because THAT is desperate.

I don't think i need him or his approval to survive, but I would like it however, if he doesnt feel the same.. sure it will make me a little sad, but I'm not going to give up on life or relationships because of one little thing. nah, im not like that.

anyway, thank you for the well thought out response. I appreciate your concern, but don't worry... I'm not that bad

 

[trZ]

Look -- You don't know me, and I don't know you. I made a bold assumption about your self esteem based on my take on the posts you have made here on these boards. Just take such assumptions with a grain of salt. I'm sorry I offended you, but sometimes I have to make certain assumptions, if not I'd be needing to know your whole story. I agree on the fact that everyone have some insecurities one way or another.

I might be socially retarded, but reading your posts I read your situation as that you where investing too heavy emotionally, and I still think it is a sign of low self esteem beyond normal insecurities to think you can't have a relationship in the real world, but lets agree to disagree on that one.

But OK, based on your last post you're looking great. Crossed fingers that it works out for you!

 

[Merieth]

thanks

my fingers are crossed too!

 

[neejau]

thank you for sharing your story! I doubt I will find someone who likes me in real life, mostly just because of the fact that I don't go out of the house much, except for college. I dunno really, his personality is spot-on with what I like ... I think it would just depend on who liked me *more* but I can see it being painful being on either side... even if I DID meet someone in real life, I think i would still put this guy first, but I would tell him what was up and that I still liked HIM better. at least then i would have more options, i guess.

he also doesnt really go anywhere much, and he said that no one has ever thought of him so highly except for his family. he goes to conventions sometimes, but he hasnt met anyone there (yet lol. it would be my luck for him to eventually meet someone wouldnt it?)

why didnt you trust her? i mean sure it was online and everything.. maybe i am just different, but i trust him.

also, just another question... how long did you know each other online?

thanks again for sharing the story and offering your advice =)

Kinda long story but I actually did trust her, until she cancelled our "real-life-meeting", then ignored me for 1 week and after that week she was with her EX again. We stayed "friends" (although I hated it) and I kept supporting her. 2 months ago her ex left her, which I was kinda expecting but still, I'm not a bad guy and she had problems enough so I didn't play the told ya so! game.
And some time after that we decided to try again (even tho I still hated her for going back with her EX) and I actually did saw her in person. Last week to be exact. But the past 2 weeks she is been acting the same as she did back then... So I fear for the worst.
This evening I talked to her best friend and she said her feelings are just messed up and I shouldn't expect the worst. I'm doing so tho, did hurt way to much the last time. So I'm actually kinda living that it's already over... While I'm not sure if it is, but if she decides to cut it off then I wouldn't care much seeing how she is responding to me recently etc...
This all is in ehm, 7-8 months I think!

I do have to say.. When you meet someone online, talk to the person for ages and then actually meet each-other in real life. That is one hell of an experience! In a good way haha!

 

[Merieth]

oh wow, she got back with her ex huh? gosh... that definitely was a mistake on her part it sucks that she put you through that pain and also put herself through unnecessary suffering. I hate when they want to "stay friends" because it's just so painful for the person who DIDNT say that. i admire you for staying friends with her after that, you really seem nice.

wow! you saw her last week, that's awesome. I hope she will go back to normal again and be her regular self, she should be happy that she has you

yeah, i dont really know why she is acting that way. maybe she's scared too that things wont work out or maybe she feels guilty, i have no idea. I hope she realizes what a nice person you are and starts talking to you more often I wish you the best of luck!!

ohh 7-8 months... well, I guess I should be hopeful then, because it seems like he likes talking to me a lot (he stayed up really late talking to me tonight even though he was tired, but i told him he should get some rest because he seemed really sleepy). he also says that he doesnt like many people and so im hoping i have good chances if things keep going the way they are now though, i am hoping to meet him sometime next year ^^

yeah, it must be really great! i hope everything works out for the both of us

I really appreciate your posts! it's nice to talk to someone who can relate to me on the whole online dating thing

 

[neejau]

Him staying up extra late is always a good sign :d! I mean... Why would he stay up if he didn't like you ? Does he live far away from you ? Lot's of people told me once it was crazy to travel to the other side of the country! But it wasn't that bad after all. So I actually think distance ain't that bad of a problem. Especially if you're old enough to travel by your own!

But to keep you up-to-date and to also get rid of my story... The girl and me kinda "broke up" (14 hours ago). But as I said, she already was treating me like crap for over 1-2 weeks (!) so I didn't really care. I was kinda expecting this to happen but still... And she even was expecting me to be nice to her. Well I really am a nice person, but you have to draw the line somewhere right ?

And I know what you're talking about! I really needed someone too who has tried on-line dating before! Luckily I found someone, took me a while tho!

As you're writing your story I do have high hopes for you!