Frustrating Friendship

[okidoke]

So about 2 months I planned a camping trip away with my mate. The day before we were due to depart (and me having packed the camping trailer for two and readying firewood) he says he can't go because he had too many appointments for the week, which I found annoying since he would've known that by the Friday (a few days prior), so he asked if we could arrange to go the following week (being this coming week) so I agree and prepare again, and then he tells me yesterday that he can't now go this week either. WTF right? Especially when I was so itching to get away. In any case, I've decided to go on my own, which is what I would've done in the first place if I knew what was going to happen. The reason he can't go this week is because a friend of his (a guy I know that I used to work with) offered him a couple days moving office furniture for cash. (note that I didn't get such and offer, not even a referral from my mate. Again, WTF right? My mate is much more financially better off than I am (I could use a cash job!) and I would've prioritised going away with him than grabbing some cash work. And also, a few days ago we went for a drive to check out a nearby campsite and we chatted. He says he's really looking forward to getting away with me, that he NEEDS to get away. He also said (because he picked up I was a little depressed a week ago, triggered by several things and his actions as well) that I can talk to him about anything if I need to. Well, I said I can't talk him about what was troubling me. Of course I can't. He's one of the issues. But he's my only mate. I don't want to lose the one friend I have some fun with. Anyway, I'm all ready to go camping Monday, on my own. Hopefully where I end up will be pleasant.

 

[Walnut]

That sucks. I’ve also struggled finding friendships that aren’t ‘fair weather friends’. Your friend that committed to you should have honoured that agreement or at that very least tried to bring you along to help the other guy. Or been straight with you with about the distance he seems to maintain. I feel most people just aren’t equipped to support someone else’s depression. I’ve often felt that it really isn’t the activity that matters; its the companionship thats more important. I hope you enjoy your camping trip.

 

[user 150037]

If hes making you miserable by messing you about could you maybe tell him in a way that will make him think? Surely if he cares about you he'll hear you out?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Maybe put an ad out in the paper.

"Looking for camping mates. My good friend, buddy, and pal, is being a total dick, and it hurts me in the feelers a little bit; but, he's my friend. So, I need lots of mates to go camping with, so I can take pictures of us all having a totally great time (without him). And if some one has a couch they need to get rid of, I'll bring it with us. My friend likes furniture, it'll totally make him jealous. Free food, free ride, free beer, BYOT (Bring Your Own Tent, I don't know you that well; I'm not cruel, it's just, ya know, we'll be camping. We'll need some 'me time')."

Then post that good time all over the Instagrat.

(Trying to make you laugh. I may or may not have succeeded.)

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I wouldn't know how to resolve that situation, if it was me. I'm sure I've felt the same at times in my life. The only thing that comes to mind is, "If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed."

I'm sure I've expected more of others than is fair to. And I'm sure if I've expected from others more than I should have. And I've probably expected from folks, I shouldn't have been expecting anything at all from. And I'm sure I haven't lived up to others expectations...

 

[okidoke]

If hes making you miserable by messing you about could you maybe tell him in a way that will make him think? Surely if he cares about you he'll hear you out?

Not miserable, but disappointed. It compounds my depressive thoughts. I can't talk to him, he's too touchy and gets upset too easy. Same when he drinks too much, he's not pleasant, and always ends up apologising the next day. I just avoid touchy topics where I can. He doesn't like being criticised in any way. But don't get me wrong, he has a lot of good points and we share a lot of interests and viewpoints, and he's the only mate I have.

I wouldn't know how to resolve that situation, if it was me. I'm sure I've felt the same at times in my life. The only thing that comes to mind is, "If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed."

I'm sure I've expected more of others than is fair to. And I'm sure if I've expected from others more than I should have. And I've probably expected from folks, I shouldn't have been expecting anything at all from. And I'm sure I haven't lived up to others expectations...

Yes you made me laugh. You're right about expectations, The only option is too become selfish, less considerate, less compassionate - and I don't know if I can be that person. I treat people like I want to be treated, but I never seem to get treated that way.

 

[okidoke]

So my mate gave me a call to see how I was going on my camping trip, then tells me his office furniture cash job won’t be on until Thursday, maybe. And he was complaining that his lawn mower in the service shop is still not ready, and that he was asked to do an airport run today. I told him if he just went camping and told everyone he was already occupied then he would’ve avoided all his angst. He said I was right. He won’t change his ways though. I’m always his go to when he has nothing else going on. And I’m regularly getting annoyed with his lack of acknowledging my suffering. Anytime I tell him of some predicament I’m going thru or pitfall or the like, he never says things like “That must’ve been awful for you” or “I can understand how that would’ve been difficult for you” or any other variation on that theme. Instead he just says “Oh right.” And he expects me to talk to him about stuff that’s getting me down?? Really? Although when he faces anything that’s not even a fraction of what I faced, he makes it sound like a real dramatic ordeal.

Sorry, I got a bit venty then.

 

[user 150037]

So my mate gave me a call to see how I was going on my camping trip, then tells me his office furniture cash job won’t be on until Thursday, maybe. And he was complaining that his lawn mower in the service shop is still not ready, and that he was asked to do an airport run today. I told him if he just went camping and told everyone he was already occupied then he would’ve avoided all his angst. He said I was right. He won’t change his ways though. I’m always his go to when he has nothing else going on. And I’m regularly getting annoyed with his lack of acknowledging my suffering. Anytime I tell him of some predicament I’m going thru or pitfall or the like, he never says things like “That must’ve been awful for you” or “I can understand how that would’ve been difficult for you” or any other variation on that theme. Instead he just says “Oh right.” And he expects me to talk to him about stuff that’s getting me down?? Really? Although when he faces anything that’s not even a fraction of what I faced, he makes it sound like a real dramatic ordeal.

Sorry, I got a bit venty then.

I'm sorry to say he sounds like hes damaging to your emotional wellbeing. I cant say 'suck it up' or 'cut him loose' but if it were me i would consider other options.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I fear for the future of men in generations to come, I really do, because of things like this.
Men are losing their confidants, it's a very serious societal problem with very serious consequences.
It effects all men, everywhere. I've seen it happen to every man of every age group, every socio-economic status, every race and every orientation. Which is why those differences between men do not matter in regards to the problem. The fact of the matter is that men need confidants. It's a humanitarian concern, one that is greatly downplayed and brushed under the rug in modernity because it seems society has somehow forgotten what happens to men when we DON'T have confidants. NOBODY wants that back.

Occasionally you'll get the arrogant lucky bloke who thinks that he wants it back because it seems to be in his benefactor for the temporary moment as capital, but as soon as those legs are swept out he very quickly flips this tune. And all that is, is just a man who had to learn the hard way what the rest of society is also having to learn the hard way: That it is imperative that men are humanitarianly acknowledged by having confidants.

It's a bad model for social constructionism, because men without confidants and without humanitarian social validity is the double-whammy cocktail from Hell that breeds nothing but men being stripped sheer of any and all identity, which is an alarmingly bad recipe for youth culture and raising young men in an environment.

It's a bad environment for young men to be raised in because it's a bad environment for mature men to be stuck in. Which means, that the entirety of the approach is an unhealthy approach for a social model.

Men need confidants and humanitarian and social validity, period. Without it, all Hell will break loose. And nobody wants that, even when in the moment they think that they do.

 

[okidoke]

He called me again today. Inviting me to a trip next August in outback New South Wales, and also asked if should pass my name onto the office furniture guy if he needed more guys. He means well, he does. He's just oblivious sometimes.

I'm sorry to say he sounds like hes damaging to your emotional wellbeing. I cant say 'suck it up' or 'cut him loose' but if it were me i would consider other options.

What options? Either cope with him or have no other friends. So "suck it up" it is I guess.

 

[user 150037]

I'

He called me again today. Inviting me to a trip next August in outback New South Wales, and also asked if should pass my name onto the office furniture guy if he needed more guys. He means well, he does. He's just oblivious sometimes.


What options? Either cope with him or have no other friends. So "suck it up" it is I guess.

Wish i could do more for you x

 

[okidoke]

Wish i could do more for you x

All good mate. It's something I deal with it and just vent about occasionally. As my mate always says "see what happens".

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Most of my life, most of my friends, have had quite a bit of demons to go along with their angels. The kind of behavior you speak to, didn't often get me bent out of shape. At this stage in my life, though, I don't have the same... fortitude or resolve, unfortunately. Add on top of that, a certain desperation to go with a certain level of loneliness, that, I never really had to deal with before.

I can get resentful to various degrees. That's what I hate the most. I can see it, and I know it's not how I want to be, but, I struggle to not feel that resentment. It's like a bad rash in your brain, you just can't stop scratching, and every time you do, it often makes it slightly worse. *sigh* Best not to scratch maybe, and just accept it, unless there is some ointment available.

What can you do, when there is nothing you can do? heh? The past few days, I've been working with the notion of, trying to stop trying so hard. Trying not to try to not be in such pain. Trying not to try to be so... helpful, considerate, accommodating (not in a mean spirited way, just in the sense that, for a good bit of the good I could do, I often don't, and for the good I intend, and try to do, often it just ends up paving the road to hell a little bit, for all the effort anyhow). (not that I'm some saint, but, sometimes I can convince myself I'm a real swell fella, when often times I'm not. As in, forgetting I have my demons too, and thinking only of my angels).

There's a difference between flipping dick, and just, not expending excess effort, maybe?, to go the extra mile, so often.

I've barely an inkling about all of that though. I'm not so bright some times.

 

[okidoke]

...... Best not to scratch maybe, and just accept it, unless there is some ointment available.

Yep. We need that ointment.

 

[TheSkaFish]

When someone starts getting on my nerves, that's when I start putting distance between me and them, ultimately leading to me cutting them out.

The thing is though, I had other friends to talk to, so I was never in a position where I was discarding my only friendship. That's not to say I am or have ever been Mr. Popular - I just have a small group of friends that have stayed consistent over time, and even when we don't see each other in a while, we always seem to be able to pick up where we left off.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such difficulty with your friend, and with him being the only person you hang out with, adds even more complication to this issue. Clearly, it's frustrating with this back and forth stuff with the plans - and understandably so, since you have to take time to prepare, and you need the time to get away, and are looking forward to it, only to have the rug pulled out from under you.

Did you say already, that you tried to have an honest heart-to-heart talk about it, but it didn't work?

I guess in this scenario, I would keep allowing this friend to make plans, like the new camping trip plans you talked about, but I would take them with a grain of salt - "I'll believe it when I see it". I'd keep it as a backup, but I wouldn't put too much stock in it happening. Then I'd start looking for other friends in the meantime.

Either way, I wish you luck resolving this.

 

[okidoke]

Did you say already, that you tried to have an honest heart-to-heart talk about it, but it didn't work?

I’ve known him for over 20 years, and seen him get his back up when challenged or criticised in any way. And when he’s full of alcohol he’s impossible. He has a big ego and is very vain and narcissistic in some ways. I’ve learned to live with it. So no, an actual heart-to-heart is out of the question. Don’t get me wrong though, I do have fun with him and enjoy his company most of the time when we’re actually together. It’s just the getting together part that lets me down too often. For example, the camping trailer I have, we have, is a joint project, his idea, supposed to be a bonding project, but I’ve done the majority of the work because he couldn’t make it over to my place (where we store it, conveniently, as I have more room) so, so much for the bonding part. And yeah, the particular job needed doing at the time. I couldn’t wait until he was able to come over as the trailer wasn’t usable.

I guess in this scenario, I would keep allowing this friend to make plans, like the new camping trip plans you talked about, but I would take them with a grain of salt - "I'll believe it when I see it". I'd keep it as a backup, but I wouldn't put too much stock in it happening. Then I'd start looking for other friends in the meantime.

This is true. Making new friends at my age isn’t easy though. I’ve scoured groups online etc but nothing is grabbing me.

Thanks for your input Ska.

 

[okidoke]

I could write an epically long passage here, but to keep it as short as absolutely possible, I laid some cards on the table to my friend yesterday to make him more aware of what I'm dealing with. We was taken aback a bit. We caught up for a coffee today and, to be honest, it didn't really assuage my feelings, (his conversations with people we bumped into and on calls he took only made me feel more envious and disheartened about my own life) but as a result, I've taken him up on an offer to go with him to his paragliding practice tomorrow. I'm appealing more to his own interests, whereby he might want to involve me more in his other get togethers with his pals instead of overlooking me, plus it gives me more of a chance to get out of the house, and I'm taking my camera so I can keep myself busy while he's flying around up in the sky. The weather looks promising and we'll have opportunity to talk more while driving 90 mins to the location and then home later. See what happens, as he always says.

 

[okidoke]

Had a pleasant day watching my mate and others paragliding. He really appreciated me coming along with him.

 

[user 150037]

Had a pleasant day watching my mate and others paragliding. He really appreciated me coming along with him.

View attachment 8503

Woah!