Operation: To Ashes - Pheenix Embarasses Himself in Public

[Pheenix]

Edit: Can anyone see this? Clicking thread for me redirects me to the deleted duplicate. But clicking the last post in the sidebar takes me here. This is confuuusing... Although if it ends up working this way it's a handy way of having a sort of secret thread

I wouldn't put this in the Diary section because that doesn't allow multiple posts.

Emerging from a lengthy semi-depression, I have decided to make use of the (not very well-founded) tactic of "shame attacking", getting embarrassed in order to get used to the feeling. This is especially urgent because I am starting on a... boarding school? (one you live in and sleep at night) early January. After a lengthy bout of apathy, my acne has become quite significant, my hair is too long, and my teeth are a little damaged. This will add a bit to the rush. Also, this will be going on in Denmark. Denmark is a country that values socializing, but it is also a place where people stay with their own circles unless provoked. Banter between strangers is extremely rare.

Notes: I am 18. I probably wouldn't be able to avoid laughing and breaking face, even though it would be better to keep it up. On second thought, maybe breaking face makes it even more embarrassing. If someone I know sees this or it gets on the internet or something, so be it. I'm striving to completely nullify my sense of modesty. While I'd love to avoid it defining me as a person, it is a potential threat. Note that Denmark is such a small country that stuff like that gets around quickly.

Plan:

When: Today, some hours from now, or the next day with clear skies if it rains, which is somewhat likely. Note that I am holding myself up to this; not just "later" but the very next day where it isn't raining or we're experiencing storm, something we seem to be doing these days. Actually, doing it Saturday instead might not be a bad idea, what with more people out...

What:

Passive:

I think I'll sing to myself while moving. Not loud enough to be public disruption, just loud enough that close people can hear it. Oh, and it will be bad singing, but not so bad as to be an obvious parody. Maybe even sing death metal or some other silly form of song, but I just have to keep going with whatever goes in my head. Bad lyrics always welcome. Maybe repeat a chorus incessantly. Also weird gesturing.

Phase 1

I will enter a park, and move through it with extremely weird body movements to call attention to myself. Once in a while I will attempt to initiate conversation with passers-by, bonus point if these people are young and female or carry a look of disapproval. I will then ask them for directions for the exit. The key here is that I need to garner disapproval, so I will be speaking slowly and oddly, and try to keep them around for a short while after they think the conversation is done, by for example doubting their answers.

This will also happen in another park, one more frequented by people out exercising. I will stop them, try to ask for directions for something but then drop the conversation. This is hard because I am disrupting their running. I will do this one first, but it is the smallest.

Phase 2

I'll enter a record store near the second park. When I find someone shuffling, I will ask of they want my help in finding anything. It will be explicit that I don't work there. Bonus points if the store-owner walks up to me and berates me. Also bonus points if I get into a conversation on why I'm doing it. I won't tell the truth of course, that would be release for me. Then I will get in line, if there is one, which there rarely is, and when it's my turn, I will stare blankly and look confused for a few seconds, not responding to the cashier. Then I will excuse myself and leave, looking surprised.

Phase 3

Eh, enter a... what's the appropriate English word... kiosk? Corner store? Mini-store? And ask for some fictional product that doesn't exist. Will keep pushing for a bit. After that, I suppose I'll buy something real to chew on, but I'll shuffle around with the money a bit, give too little if I have money that makes that possible. If he doesn't count them, I will pretend I just realized, and give him the rest. Oh yeah! I'll buy ice cream or something, and make sure I smear a lot of it around my mouth and not clean it at any time.

Phase 4

Somewhere on the street after this, I will attempt to ask someone something, but simulate struggling with my Danish, and ultimately dropping it. Greasy-faced, that is. Doesn't matter if it seems authentic when I have the accent down, otherwise I will just sound like I'm struggling with talking. Hmm... I need to be careful I don't simulate being more embarrassed than I am, though. I think that would also be easier for me, curiously enough.

Phase 5

I will make myself into the center of shopping-district-copenhagen, and sit at the fountain there. I will put a theatrical expression on my face and just sit there and stare, not at any people mind you, that would be a bit scary for them xD This won't be as intensive as the others, but a nice cooldown. Possibly still with ice-cream on my chin.

Cooldown

After dinner at warm home here in the cold north, I'll hop unto Chatroulette with mic and webcam and have honest conversations, penis-spamming be damned. Did I mention that my acne is REALLY flaring right now? I can feel that it would be more embarrassing for me to be turned down in an honest conversation than one where I act weird. This will go on for as long as I have free time or as long as I have a visceral reaction to it, auto-reconnect turned on.

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As for repeating all this, I really don't know how much time I will be having. I will be busy these days. But the idea is basically to plug out individual phases and do them whenever I can, especially the first one. I'm not expecting the biggest results from this one day, but the school thing is coming up and I have to at least try to soften the blow of living only with other people my age.

Notes on the ethical side of things: Yeah... This... might be an overall unethical thing to do. I somehow feel it's justified but I don't really know... still, I don't think there is any stopping me now. Condemn me if you will.

Also, if I emerge here cursing the world and drowning in tears, I'd love some pats on the back :E

Wish me luck, and feel free to comment.


Scrapped Ideas
- The original hardcore: The first plan was to do phase 1 in the center of Copenhagen, but while it's more intensive, the threat of being video-cam'ed or seen by people I know is higher. While yes, I need to hold myself up to the threat of this, I'd prefer to avoid it, for reasons outside of pure embarrassment.
- Calling up my grade-school classmates and having awkward conversations with them: I might need to see them again. At reunions if nothing else.
- Simply hitting a normal, honest conversation up with a stranger: Danes don't do that, it would be canceled quickly.
- Pretending to be an evangelist of some sort of religion: I wouldn't be able to carry the lie far enough. This was one of my early plans though; spread the word of Altman in the streets.

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test post due to weird thread magic going on right now.

 

[dead]

good luck!!!
you know - i think that instead of getting used to shame - you can think of it as building up courage. sounds like you're on the right track

in any case - pats on back already for the courage to try and pull off some of these

 

[passage]

"Simply hitting a normal, honest conversation up with a stranger: Danes don't do that, it would be canceled quickly."

I would suggest this one. It seems your goal is to get over embarrassment, but I dont really see the benefit of your current plan. Talking to strangers will help you get over embarrassment, and maybe (small chance) actually meet some people. Even if a lot of people don't want to hold conversations, who cares they're clearly not interesting people then. Your current plan seems a bit more extreme ( I laughed several times reading it) than simlpy chatting with strangers. Also it can apply to your boarding school, whereas I can't really see public embarrassment with your current plan helping you in boarding school.

On a side note, for acne (I've never been to a doctor for it), but the only thing that worked for me was cream with benzoyl peroxide and a non clog pouring moisturizer. But I still get acne, just not as bad. And if i dont wash my face religously morning and night my acne gets worse, like right now.

 

[Pheenix]

Well, I'm not doing this to make friends, or get actual social skills training. As far as I can see, being a bit of a nuisance is a bigger embarrassment than chatting honestly with people. What I meant by the "normal conversations don't work" thing, is that because we never do this, the conversation-partner would either force the conversation to stop before it began, or be scared of me, in a stalker-type vein. I fear it's more invasive than simply being awkward. Starting conversations that would immediately stop won't be super embarrassing I don't think.

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Oh, and I'm doing it tomorrow. It sounds like procrastination, but just wait one day, and you can call me all the names you want. Saturday has a much more bustling city, and it has other advantages; I'm doing my chores today, which assures that I know how much time I have, and I also get to warm up by doing the chatroulette thing first.

 

[roguewave]

If you do complete some of these things up to your standard then you will be my hero and I will challenge myself to do something socially frightening and write about it on this board.