Pedophilia

[Lonesome Crow]

It can be very touchy matter.
I approched it from drugs and alcohol abuse.
Tue thing of it is theres abused involved living in that inviornment.
This include sexual abuse. The dramma and turamma is
Thr sugar coat version...

As far as porn is connetn.....
Shes always gping to be my little girl no matter how old she is.

Whatever how people may make judgements about me.

Sexual abuse had effected my life and the ones i love.
Itd a very painful dubject matter for me.
Agsin...im frer to ignore this thread or not.

---

The thing of it is.....im an adult now.
Once i was a child.
Its a secret we keep.
No one cares and no one will listen anyway.
After all the past was the fucken past
And i should just get ovet that honeysuckle.
Im an aduilt now and i shoild grow the fresia up
And stop playig the victim.
PTSD OR FLASHBACKS are a pain in the ass.
How can you ever unstand me?
And why in the fresia should you?
Its painful miserable honeysuckle.
Bring me down party pooper negative honeysuckle.
You wouldnt beleve me now even if i tell you
The truth....
Im just messed up in the head...remember?

 

[SophiaGrace]

You're right LC, maybe I was a bit harsh with BC. If BC made a thread about his experiences as a child, i woud be supportive of him as well. I don't know how I can be supportive of two different people at the same time. It seems impossible. I want the original poster to succeed in what he wants to do which is abstaining, so there are no victims. I want to give him a safe area in which to talk and get feedback from people so he continues to abstain. I really do encourage him to go talk to a therapist about it, they might provide more help than I (or anyone else here) are able to (one that specializes in treat fetishes or sexual dysfunction).

I am sorry that BC was a victim, and that it has hurt him. The things which i have experienced have profoundly affected me as well, and how i behave around others. The effects of it really are long lasting. One of the effects has been loss of trust. I trust no one now because of what happened to me as a child. Like, there's always this little shred of doubt in the back of my mind that i keep there, in an effort to protect myself in case my trust is betrayed. I also get triggered and become enraged if someone or something reminds me of my abuse, so i guess i should've been more empathetic with BC. I also hope this paragraph shows anon how exploitation hurts children and has long-lasting effects. I've never suffered from feeling like I was trash because of my abuse like i've read some adult survivors have, it's mainly been triggering => immediate rage, or huge lack of trust with others.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I didnt disagree eith you SG.
I read the the OP post.
I petcieve it as his asking for help
And in his heart his dosnt want to
Hurt people and havnt phydically
Hutted anyone.

I m trying to stay neatrual in the matter.
I havnt mentioned about sexual abuse
In my life...

Never the less i can not judge or condem him
Based on what someone else did to me.
That's not fair either....

Its almost the same if some had a DWI..
cuased property, physical and sometimes
Even death....attend AA. If that person
Is seeking help to solve a problem..
Its not always cut and dry.
Recovery is not just about not the drinking
And using...its more about all these other
Isuuse that comes up that a person must
work through after they put down the drugs
And alcohol.
If i condem or make that person feels more
Guilty its non productive...cuase theyll feel
Bad then wanna check out and drink...then
Get more Dwi..cuase more wreackage.
And to say that i didn't hsve sometype
Of influence or effect in that person decision
Makimg is totally bullshit.

If the Op hasnt hurted anyone..but gets
condem anyways...theres alway a posibllity
He act out anyway...might as will if hes beimg
Condemn and judge anyway.....
People in recovery relasp or drink again because
Of this same reason.
I act out on my destructive behaviors for this
Sane reason...

---

Renae gets self deztructive and hurts herself
For the same reasons...

 

[Sci-Fi]

I just have to say that I'm really impressed with how most everyone have conducted themselves in this very touchy (to some very personal) topic. I say that as a member of the board not a mod. It shows there is hope for humanity, that we're not all turning into haters who condemn anything that goes against our own morals.

The OP came here looking for guidance and help and that has been given. Some have shared from their own personal experiences which hopefully helps the OP in some way. There are a lot of addictions out there and those who seek out help should not be shunned. Sometimes we have to put aside our differences to help those who want it. To help better humanity one person at a time.

 

[anon6156]

I live with my mother, moved in with her last year. I could go on some long winded diatribe about the economy but that's been done to death and is irrelevant. The point of me bringing this up is that we have family visiting from outside the country. My mother's cousin and her 11 year old daughter. They arrived last Tuesday and are staying for a month. This is the closest I can remember having been to a young girl since I was 11 years old myself. Now, in an earlier post NerdyGirl had an excellent theory:

I do think that using those innocent videos as a crutch is a bad idea. It sounds worse to me than watching pornography, because you're training yourself to see children as sexy no matter what they're doing or wearing.

(Bold added by me)

I've expanded what she originally argued against to include fantasizing. As luck would have it I'm already in the midst of an extremely difficult test of that resolution. She's a beautiful young girl and I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts. I'm doing my best to try and distract myself but the only things that seem to work are actual activities. Work, exercise, going out with people. I can't just read a book or watch TV it's too passive. I did well, for the most part, not thinking about her at work today because there's a lot of responsibilities to attend to and so I have to be laser focused. But as soon as I'm out of work she almost instantly popped into my head again. I'm staying with my brother this weekend to try and minimize my contact with her (he doesn't know about me, he's just always so glad to have me around he doesn't bother asking why I wanted to come by in the first place). Eventually, I have to go back home and I'll have to deal with her again though.

The hardest time so far has been when I'm trying to go to sleep. There's nothing to actually do but wait to fall asleep. There's nothing I can think about instead that's distracting enough. The other night I finally just had to force myself to stay awake until I was so exhausted I just fell asleep right away. But then I only got a few hours sleep and I was so dead in the morning I was late for work and my boss was not happy with me.

On a positive note, I'm proud to say that this has not caused me to break my behavior-free streak (short as it may be). It's been 32 days since I've looked at any sort of illegal material and 8 days since I looked at ANYthing, illegal or not. I'm embarrassed to admit how small these numbers are but it was this last relapse that caused me to come to this forum looking for more help. Thank you for the support thus far. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

 

[VideoVidiVisum]

Just remember to do things one day at a time, and if that seems too long try one hour at a time, or one minute at a time! It's the only way I got through quitting self injuring, and it's one time procrastination pays off. I have faith in you <3

 

[nerdygirl]

Soph, I don't think you were being especially hard on anybody. All of us have the ability to decide our own actions, and we all have moral compasses. The title of this thread is direct without being offensive in itself, and anybody who came in here had plenty of warning regarding the topic. If they opted to come in anyway, the first line read. "I am a pedophile." Anything after that can only be a revelation of the thoughts of a pedophile. I do not think it says anything positive about a person's character to press on, heedless of warnings, and to post hostility and accusations.

~~

anon, as you already know: stay busy! Do you like computer games? That would require more of your attention than reading or watching television. When I need to keep my brain busy, I turn to my favorite RTS. I find that playing at night, when I'm normally getting tired anyway, helps me get sleepy. The screen starts messing with my eyes. I also study, sometimes, but that's a hobby most people don't really share with me. You might want to ask your friend who knows what is going on if she could help you figure out distractions. Maybe you could talk on the phone until you fall asleep.

 

[VideoVidiVisum]

^^ Nerdygirl, you are a quality contributor.

 

[anon6156]

I love gaming. But I've been trying to stay away from games lately because I feel unproductive when I game and I don't like that. But you're right, it would make for a terrific distraction. Looks like it's time to pick up Minecraft again. :-D

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Anon, this is a very touchy subject, for me personally. Especially since I have 3 nieces who are still children, who I'm very close to, and if anybody touched them, I probably would put them in the hospital or go to jail myself!

That being said...

This is something you'll have to learn to deal with. Pedophilia in itself doesn't hurt others, as long as you don't act on it...but you already have. Child pornography always has a victim, and that victim is real.

My advice to you is to stop downloading child pornography, talk to a therapist about these issues, join a support group (I'm sure there has to be one in your area), and stop beating yourself up over this. The last thing is key. You can't control your attraction to children, to some extent. But you can control it, in the ways that other people have suggested: not being around children, not letting your thoughts drift to children, and trying your best to let the "adult women" side of your sexuality take hold over everything.

I hope this isn't offensive to the moderators, me stating this. It is pretty frank. But I think the OP needs honesty and openness about this issue.

I am a bit worried about the 11 year old staying with you. My suggestion is to avoid contact with her, as much as possible. That is a can of worms you don't need to open!

Good luck! I definitely do feel bad for people like you.

 

[nerdygirl]

Great, it sounds like gaming can be constructive for you now! Not everybody gets to have an excuse for that. Just make sure that it isn't something you do in front of the girl, as she might be into games, too. You don't want to encourage her to be close to you.

 

[anon6156]

LITM, you weren't offensive at all. From your post I sense a lot of tolerance and acceptance and I'm thankful for that. And you're right, openness and honesty are what I need. Being open about this makes me feel comfortable talking about it and that allows me to find support when I'm feeling tempted which is the best thing for helping me control myself.

I am a bit worried about the 11 year old staying with you. My suggestion is to avoid contact with her, as much as possible. That is a can of worms you don't need to open!

Regarding this, I'd just like to reassure you as much as I can that she's in absolutely no danger in any way. My problem isn't a temptation to harm children directly. It's temptation to look at child pornography which I'm doing very well at controlling right now. Which is due in large part to this thread and the people I've talked to in it. Because of all of you I'm feeling confident that I can continue doing as well as I have been.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

EDIT:

I'm glad you're avoiding the pornography. That is a really hard step to take, glad you're taking it.

 

[nerdygirl]

Erm. That is why anon is avoiding the pornography!

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Point taken.

Sorry, I read through this thread fast last night, and didn't articulate properly.

 

[nerdygirl]

*laughs* I should have quoted that post. Now it just looks like I've lost my mind.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I hope the OP is still around, and still avoiding the pornography.

 

[SophiaGrace]

*laughs* I should have quoted that post. Now it just looks like I've lost my mind.

I found your mind and am ransoming it.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I lost my mind years ago. I think I left it in the Bahamas.

 

[Badjedidude]

Porn's awesome.

Also:

*video removed*