Problem Child

[ledchick]

[color=#800000I am so torn today. Here is the story...
I have 3 kids as you all know. My 19 y/o son has a good job at Dollar General, he has been there for a year. He is 2 payments away from having his nice, yet older Camaro paid off and he NETS about $900 to $1000 a month. I have never asked him for a dime for rent or to pay towards any expenses here at home.
Recently, our bills have just been more than what we bring in...the electric company raised rates by 25% a few months back, the price of groceries justs keeps rising etc. So we are pretty financially strapped, spending almost every penny on bills, with almost no money left over after they are paid. It is quite frustrating, especially when I go into his room and he has left his cell charger plugged in , his fan on and lights left on after he leaves.
Well, I asked him for a mere $25.00 a week to help towards the things he does use. He really did not like that and commenced to tell me I am a bad mom and I should economize more ( I already pinch the beard off of Lincoln, clip coupons etc) and that he cannot afford that.
Well, last night he brought a friend home late and they made tons of noise kept me and my husband up playing his 3 new PS3 games and talking and was just soooo disrespectful. I told him this morning that he would either give me the $25.00 or he would move out. I am feeling so **** guilty...damnit! I know I shouldnt, but damnit I never thought I would be one of those parents that would shove their kid out of the house. But he is just seems to keep calling my bluff. He left and I am assuming he is moving out, we really did not establish a definite point on that, but he did not give me the money and I am not backing down.
Am I being fair? I gave him a full year of work to do whatever with his money before I requested any money from him. I am just so upset...damnit!
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[Nyktimos]

You're being perfectly fair! He is quite capable of making the decision of whether he is ready to move out (and he'll have a shock when he does have to look after himself and may come back with his tail between his legs). You have to make tough decisions as a parent. You always come across as a very caring and sympathetic individual, so it makes sense that you will feel ill at ease with making this ultimatum. But sometimes you need to put your foot down. Well done for knowing when to do that. He will have to decide what choice to make from here. You will always be there for him in the future whatever happens.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Sorry about that Ledchick

When my step son was 19 he bascailly did the samething.
The staying up late and craking up the TV loud until 3-4 A.M.

I had a hell of a time sleeping and was dragging my ass into work.
I asked him serveral times for weeks to trun the TV down..
and he actaully told me the movie didn't sound goo truned down...errr wtf ???

Then oneday he got smart with his mother and treated her like a honeysuckle...
That was the last straw...I kicked his ass out.

I've had never asked him to pay any bills...only that he be respectful to
us or at least treat US old farts with the same repect as he would treat his friends...
I kept asking him.."would you treat your friend like that?....of course not"
But he went way..way out of line.
He got ver angery at me and try to make me feel guilty...yes I put up with
that honeysuckle becuase I simply felt guilty or that boy just didn't know how to take care of himself.
But ..fresia it...he had to grow up sometimes....
He talks honeysuckle likes a man...let him grow up like a man.
i told him..if he stays i was going to spank his fucken ass...he's not beyound an ass whopping.

I got married at the age of 19...I had my own house and paid all of my bills...ffs
i drove a brand new TransAm and my wife had an SS.
We were never late on our bills and took care of our bussiness

Anyway...between relationships break up or seperations stage...I found myself
having to move back in with my parents...I paid rent and gave my parents
money and did shores too....like a $1000 p/month. It was still way cheaper
than to get my own place.

Even now...living with my parents again...I simply give my mother my paycheck
and told her she can take out whatever she wants and use it on whatever she wants.
I had over $7000 saved...if i wanted $500..my mom would give me $500 dallors
If she need $500 to go paid bills...it didn't bother me one bit.
Heck I didn't even know I had that much money saved...lmao
Now that I'm broke again...becuase I purchased a truck.
my mom is not being too strick on me...simply becuase i was cool
about it...and HELL NO..I don't make freaken noise in the house when my parents are home.

come on...that's just basic treating others as you want to be treated and being nice.
To treat your parents like that...is just way out of line.

Errr...$100 p/month. that barley covers the food he eats and tiolet paper he used to wipe his ass.ffs
You're being more than fair...You're getting walk all over.
You should be asking him $400-$500 p/months. (this way he has to negoiate down..lmao)
He'll be grateful if you ask him for $200...heck $200 is cheap...he's legally a man.

I walked all over my mother when I was hitting bottom too...I used her guilt against her.
Right before I got clean and sober..I would tell my mom I didn't have any money so she
would pay my rent and bills. She would even go buy goercies for me..
Errr...I had $5000 for parting money stashed.
**** kids...they think they're original or some crap...lmao

Don't back down...stand your grounds.
He find out real quick how expensive it is to live and all the extra bullshit he has
to deal with living with roomies his own age.

Now that my step son is more mature and had to grown up a little bit..
everytimes he came and visited ..he hugs me really, really tight.

fresia that camero..if I get treated like that. That son ***** going to the junk yard..lmao
Holy honeysuckle...man..My mom would tell me to fresia off...if i pulled number like that.
Btw..I still have my 97 park on the side of my parents house.
even my father offered to have it repaired for me....I'm spoil..but I'm being cool about it
errr...wtf.. I wash my daddy's truck and mommy's SUV every weeken to get brownie pionts...I aint that stupid.lmao

 

[wannabeXL]

I feel like it wasn't right that you gave him an ultimatum and he might have realized that you never requested any money from him until now if you actually told him that. Then again, he's 19. He likes to think he's an adult and he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I think you should let him live on his own if that's what he wants, but you have to give him a call and confirm his living situation. You're the parent, it's your responsibility to put up with all the crap that your child put you through.

 

[ledchick]

I feel like it wasn't right that you gave him an ultimatum and he might have realized that you never requested any money from him until now if you actually told him that. Then again, he's 19. He likes to think he's an adult and he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I think you should let him live on his own if that's what he wants, but you have to give him a call and confirm his living situation. You're the parent, it's your responsibility to put up with all the crap that your child put you through.

This did not start out as an ultimatum, and I dont see it as one. I told him weeks ago that our family was struggling and that I could not keep up the lifestyle that he was accustomed to without some help from people in the household that could help. He just kept on buying more new items....new 36" flat screen, new PS3 games, new clothes, new car stereo, etc. I also mentioned to him that his father, who works very long hard hours at a very HARD job that start very early in the morning, could not rest with 5 or 6 kids in the house making ungodly amounts of noise and why couldnt they go to one of the other kids house? He said that when he comes home he should be able to do whatever he wants! I am afraid that is not how it is in a home where you contribute absolutely nothing, he does not even pick up his ******* wet towel in the bathroom!
It is not like I just dropped a bomb on him out of nowhere. I gave him time to consider and do the right thing. He chose not to and to take the selfish road instead. So I decided to do the same thing. I have two other children I have to think about and their welfare, I cannot afford to allow him to take the food out of their mouths, whilst he buys more items that are in my mind needless, whenever I am struggling to keep a roof over our heads and food in our mouths.
It is obvious that young kids nowadays think they have an undeserved sense of entitlement without any idea of how to earn it. That is alot of what is wrong with them and why they end up wondering why they are getting what they deserve out of life....you actually have to EARN it!
I no longer am on a guilt trip, it is time to grow up son!

 

[Pasha Selim]

You felt guilty because you really want to be a good mother, you have the sense of duty and want to see your children happy. You are accustomed that you take care of others but others don't take care of you. You ask too much of yourself and therefore he does. Are you the mother that he wish to have? Maybe not, but you are definitely struggling to be.

You are fair with your son when ask to have his little share in the family effort but you are not fair with yourself because you feel obliged to carry all the burden. Be gentle with yourself and let him gradually stand up the idea that you don't have nothing personal with him but it is just a simple, beautiful and bearable rule: you must help the people that help you, especially when they are so close to you.

I think both you and your son are a little scared about this change in your life and in your relationship. But the most important thing is that the problem is solvable. Nobody dies of some financial strapping, what matters is that you don't lack nothing fundamental for decent living and you can enjoy the sunlight.

Some day he will give you very tight hugs (see lonesomecrow post).
I give you right now.

 

[Steel]

Ok, you were being far more than fair - he should be paying rent (and $25 is ridiculously low - more than this would be fair too).

I'm glad your position has hardened .. he's 19 after all, and it's time he started taking responsibility and contributing towards the expenses he incurs.

If he does leave home then he is in for SUCH a rude awakening about how much utilities, rent and food cost.

 

[ledchick]

I love you guys for giving me a shoulder to lean on, Pasha, Lonesome, Steel, Nyktimos and even Wannabe...lol ! It is so hard to be a parent in this day and age, we try to be all things all the time to our children and even little failures seem like large mountains at times. I just was feeling guilt because of the look on his face when I gave him a hard choice.
Thank you all for being here for me, like I said I love you all!
Pasha, an extra big hug for you my special friend, you will always turn my frown upside down.
and to Steel, are your children getting to this age yet?

 

[Naleena]

Serve him beans and rice for a week. Tell him he can't have the lights on past 11. Whatever you pay for that he does and his extras, cut back on it. When he complains tell him you were economizing. I think he will change his mind.

PS ASking for help doesn't make you a bad mom. Thats BS and he is trying to put a guilt trip on you because he KNOWS you want to be a good mom. Kids know where to hit you where it hurts. Remember, people do things because of rewards. What reward would he get for making you feel guilty? He should be ashamed of himself.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

hahahaha.....my mother almost loved me to death too.
"It's not that you don't love him..it's that you love him too much"

I'm what you call a boomerag kid...lmao

I was so bad in my early 20's..my mother had to dis_owned me..lol
It ripped her apart becuase in her eyes..she will always see me as her little boy..her only son.
I have a good relationship with my mom today. I had to make a lot of my amends to my mother.
Not just saying sorry..becuase my mom will always forgive me and let me slide.

It's very difficult for my mom to hold me accountible becuase of her emotional attachments she
have for me. Yet..to this day...she's is the only woman that's stood by my side through thick and thin.

Making amends to my mother plays a very, very important role in my recovery.
I put my mother through a living hell. I hurted her in ways I didn't comprehend.
I was a selffish , self center, self abasorbing punk..I couldn't see beyound my own *******.
I dragged my mom's emotionally through the mud. I manipulated her becuase it was all about me..me...me

As far as money was concern. I had an opportunity to pay my mother back.
It didn't compare to all the times she bailed my ass out of jail and the **** trouble I'd get myself into.
I gave my mother a large sum of money to make a trip back to Thailand.
I had to do that for me....I had to pay her back.

Getting clean and sober has a lot more than not just stopping the drinking and using dope.
It has a lot to do with living and mending the fences...making the wrongs right.
It's straight up out of recovery text books. I make it right or I die.
Nope...I can't always do whatever the fresia I want.

I had to learn how to hold myself accountiable....seperate myself from a boy and be a man.

And yeap....towls in the bathroom and scums in the tub is not smexy at all...lmao
Fcuk!!!...spending all my sundays at a luandry mate doing laundry totally sucked ass...
Luandry money cutted into my beer money. ffs...( those where hard chioces...lol)
$20 p/week easily

 

[Brian]

Led, you are being FAR BEYOND fair.

The second I had a job, I REFUSED to live with my parents WITHOUT paying rent. No real man leaches off his parents when he's gainfully employed. I gave them a very significant portion of each check, and even at 18 I economized. Let him move out...it'll be less expense on you, and a good lesson for him when he sees his electric bill and his rent payment, and realizes that the $25 was a hell of a bargain. If he's buying PS3s and all that nonsense, he does not have expenses.

What gets me here is that he's making more money than I ever did at my first job, doing work that's 20 times easier. I killed myself in the woods every day piling brush and thinning trees and kicked half of that money earned toward my parents each month because I knew they were hurting. What's he do, empty boxes? Punch buttons on a cash register? Not a bad job, but he'd certainly sacrifice less than I did to help you. Maybe it was just his pride that was hurt, feeling guilty for a free ticket all this time? That's the only explanation I can honestly think of.

I turn out every light I'm not using and recently got a free hand-out low-flow shower head to save hot water (they're actually pretty nice heads, btw...still good pressure, just less volume). I'm slowly replacing my light bulbs with those low-energy twisties. And when I leave for work, I UNPLUG my computer, monitor, coffee maker and a couple other things...people don't realize it, but even off, an appliance draws a little power. Last months power bill? $50. The guy who lived below me in a much better insulated appartment? $350, at his lowest. Everytime I walked downstairs he had lights and crap on, and a huge energy hog television.

If you want, show your kid this post so he can feel like the selfish, irresponsible little honeysuckle he's being. Don't feel bad at all. You had every right to get fed up a long time ago.

 

[Minus]

Yes you are being fair. He could expect to pay much more then you are asking. That is just a token amount. Even if he decides to stay and pay he still has no right to keep the household awake at night with his excessive noise. Common courtesy should still apply there.

 

[Spare]

Last months power bill? $50.

Oh yeah? MY last power bill was $36! So there! Actually, even I don't have a proper right to brag. My grandpa once came to town proud as a peacock about his $8 electric bill. He literally never turned anything on. And, as it turned out, he was also washing his dishes in cold water to save on power. This explained why I always became violently ill whenever I stayed at his place.

Anyway, back to the actual topic of the thread. Everybody's correct, ledchick, you're doing the right thing. Everyone needs some tough love at some point in their lives. This will prove to be a very valuable learning experience for your son.

 

[Steel]

I love you guys for giving me a shoulder to lean on, Pasha, Lonesome, Steel, Nyktimos and even Wannabe...lol ! It is so hard to be a parent in this day and age, we try to be all things all the time to our children and even little failures seem like large mountains at times. I just was feeling guilt because of the look on his face when I gave him a hard choice.
Thank you all for being here for me, like I said I love you all!
Pasha, an extra big hug for you my special friend, you will always turn my frown upside down.
and to Steel, are your children getting to this age yet?

Yes, getting close. My eldest had a well paid summer job last year, and while working she paid the equivalent of $50 a week rent. She grumbled a little at first, as most teenagers have no idea how much everything costs - but she still had plenty of money to spend on herself and to save in her bank account.

 

[ledchick]

Well I have made my stand! He has not returned home yet, however I have removed my home stereo system from his room and all my dvds and extras he has in the including the lightbulbs. The breakers are all off and there is a lock on the breaker box...lol. I have taken all the towels and shampoo etc out of the bath and also the laundry detergents etc. also the washer and dryer are turned off at the box. The computer is password locked, the food is little to none as I will shop as needed. I am taking my furniture out of his room tomorrow...which will leave little to none in his room, hell I am even taking the hangars out of the closet! I have gone absolute cold hearted *****, aint nothing in life free. I even found out his exact amount of pay and it is more than I actually thought. Momma is one serious ***** at this point. We will see if he can find a better deal than $25 measly dollars a week....I expect him to come home with tail between legs however I will require much more than just a 'gosh you were right' before there will be any moving back..... he has put me through much hell and I intend to return the favor....he has given me atleast a hundred gray hairs in the last day and a bad case of heartburn on top of making me a heinous ***** to live with recently!
Thank you all once again for listening to a frustrated mother and maybe I have discouraged some from rushing into parenthood and encouraged some to appreciate your parents and what you do have!
I love you all and well I love you all!!! )))))))huge Hugs((((((((( chick loves you all!!!!

 

[samba101]

Good on you, when I had a full time job I was paying my parents $100 a week, I offered that amount as I saw it as a fair price, all I have to do is cook dinner 3 nights a week and fold the laundry. When I was your son's age I was living with my grandmother and worked a part time job, I paid her $30 a week and when I went to live with my parents after that I offered to pay board but my father refused. I've always paid my own way.

Kids these days are ungrateful, it's not until he has kids of his own when he realises that he had it easy just paying $25 a week, and it's hard when you want things because at times you just have to wait until you can afford them.
I kind of think he'll think it's easy once he's moved out, you see he'll be able to do whatever he wants to do and as you didn't mention what he was earning it seems like he might be on a good wage.

And yeah I'm counting my pennies, just lost my job and it's gonna be a tough road finding another one. But aside from that I have food in my stomach, clothes on my back and a bed to sleep it's just that I don't have the nice things I would like to have.