Seeking love in the 'burbs

[ladysigh]

I've spent a good ten years on just about every online dating site there is, with zero luck. These past few days I've spent a lot of my vacation watching HGTV about home renovation, finding homes/rentals, etc. And what struck me is that all the couples on these shows do NOT want to live in the suburbs, they are always looking for something in the city. There was one particular scene I recall where this couple were walking with their new baby down their subdivision complaining "this place is so lifeless." This has made me wonder, if its my location that was working against me all these years.

I moved here from the midwest 22 years ago, and the first thing that struck me was the mentality that "if its more than ten minutes away, its too far." Contrast that to where I'm from, you have to drive an hour to get anywhere. When I'm walking around the city on my lunch break I see lots of nice looking men...and I always ask why don't they ever show up on these dating sites? Is it because these men are not willing to travel more than ten minutes to find their mate?

Unfortunately I can't just move to the city for numerous reasons. I'm just wondering if I'm onto something here...

Thoughts?

 

[Tiina63]

I had thought that I was the only one who had spent so many years on dating sites and getting nowhere. Others seem to be on them for a short while till they either meet someone or give up, which has often made me feel even worse about being on the sites in the first place, as it feels as if I am hitting my head on a wall. Whether location has a great deal to do with our lack of success or not is hard to say. I have often contacted people from other areas and although occasionally they will quote the distance as a reason for not wanting to take it any further, generally if someone is that interested, they will pursue it irrespective of location.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sadly dating sites tend to contain the people who are... well the bottom of the barrel. "High Quality" mates are on there to take advantage of the more desperate masses. However, just like any kind of dating you have to be willing to take a chance.

Anyway, living in the suburbs is difficult on single people. Often times people retreat to the suburbs to rais families. This often times means they already have a mate. So having excitment and stuff to do is the least of their concerns. You have to make your life interesting when out in the suburbs. One good way is to find a resturant to frequent. Maybe some place to go once or twice a week. Learn the names of the waiters and hostesses. Get familiar with everyone. Who knows who will come through there. I would also recommend finding a rec center. These places have tons of adult leauges. They are always looking for help, whether that be teammates, managers, coaches or people to do administrative work. I would also look for clubs. Meetup.com is a good place to find clubs. Google is another good place to find clubs. You have to get out and look though.

Distance will always be a problem. In my case, if I am traveling for more than 35 minutes it is a hassle. It is one thing if I am visiting a friend, however, it is another if I am going on dates. If I have to travel 30+ minutes to get to the date travel another 20 to 40+ minutes to arrive at wherever the date is going to take place and then drive another 30+ minutes home... well that time adds up. You always have to remember that. A mate who requires little effort to see will always have a higher value than one that I have to trek to see.

As for these men in the city. Why do they need to go on dating sites? They have plenty of options in real life. Why do you believe they pass you by? Do you look inviting? Do you look happy? Do you look like someone I would want to be around? The way you write your post tells me that no you do not. Another question to wonder is how quickly are you willing to meet men from dating sites? If I want a long drawn out online relationship I come to forums or go to MMOs. If I go to a dating site. I expect a meeting to happen quickly. If I am talking with a woman for more than two or so weeks and she refuses to meet me why bother? The whole point of a dating site is to have another means to meet someone.

Anyway, enough rambling, you need to make a choice. My suggestion is to move closer to a populated area. You do not have to leave the city where you are employed. However you should seek out an area that is more populated or closer to a heavily populated area. 20 minutes one way is not that bad. Most people spend more time driving to work. You need to be around people. You also need to be open to the game. Probably the most terrifying thing of all you have to be will to take a chance at just being used. As they say nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

[ladysigh]

Why do you believe they pass you by?  Do you look inviting?  Do you look happy?  Do you look like someone I would want to be around?  The way you write your post tells me that no you do not.

Wow, way to make me feel good. All I said regarding my situation was that I don't live in the city, and you sum me up as a loser based on that?

Another question to wonder is how quickly are you willing to meet men from dating sites?  If I want a long drawn out online relationship I come to forums or go to MMOs.  If I go to a dating site.  I expect a meeting to happen quickly.

Again, you know nothing about what I've gone thru with online dating, which often involved me inviting the guy to meet, followed by the guy not showing up...thats happened at least 15 times, are you saying it was my fault the men never showed up?

Anyway, enough rambling, you need to make a choice.  My suggestion is to move closer to a populated area.  You do not have to leave the city where you are employed.  However you should seek out an area that is more populated or closer to a heavily populated area.  20 minutes one way is not that bad.  Most people spend more time driving to work.  You need to be around people.  You also need to be open to the game.  Probably the most terrifying thing of all you have to be will to take a chance at just being used.  As they say nothing ventured nothing gained.

No, I do not need to make a choice; I am not moving. I didn't create this topic to poll people on whether I should move -- this wasn't supposed to be about me at all.  I merely posted this question because I hadn't seen this theory  brought up before and it might have made some interesting conversation.

 

[Chasm]

Sadly dating sites tend to contain the people who are... well the bottom of the barrel. "High Quality" mates are on there to take advantage of the more desperate masses. However, just like any kind of dating you have to be willing to take a chance.

Anyway, living in the suburbs is difficult on single people. Often times people retreat to the suburbs to rais families. This often times means they already have a mate. So having excitment and stuff to do is the least of their concerns. You have to make your life interesting when out in the suburbs. One good way is to find a resturant to frequent. Maybe some place to go once or twice a week. Learn the names of the waiters and hostesses. Get familiar with everyone. Who knows who will come through there. I would also recommend finding a rec center. These places have tons of adult leauges. They are always looking for help, whether that be teammates, managers, coaches or people to do administrative work. I would also look for clubs. Meetup.com is a good place to find clubs. Google is another good place to find clubs. You have to get out and look though.

Distance will always be a problem. In my case, if I am traveling for more than 35 minutes it is a hassle. It is one thing if I am visiting a friend, however, it is another if I am going on dates. If I have to travel 30+ minutes to get to the date travel another 20 to 40+ minutes to arrive at wherever the date is going to take place and then drive another 30+ minutes home... well that time adds up. You always have to remember that. A mate who requires little effort to see will always have a higher value than one that I have to trek to see.

As for these men in the city. Why do they need to go on dating sites? They have plenty of options in real life. Why do you believe they pass you by? Do you look inviting? Do you look happy? Do you look like someone I would want to be around? The way you write your post tells me that no you do not. Another question to wonder is how quickly are you willing to meet men from dating sites? If I want a long drawn out online relationship I come to forums or go to MMOs. If I go to a dating site. I expect a meeting to happen quickly. If I am talking with a woman for more than two or so weeks and she refuses to meet me why bother? The whole point of a dating site is to have another means to meet someone.

Anyway, enough rambling, you need to make a choice. My suggestion is to move closer to a populated area. You do not have to leave the city where you are employed. However you should seek out an area that is more populated or closer to a heavily populated area. 20 minutes one way is not that bad. Most people spend more time driving to work. You need to be around people. You also need to be open to the game. Probably the most terrifying thing of all you have to be will to take a chance at just being used. As they say nothing ventured nothing gained.

most yep

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Wow, way to make me feel good. All I said regarding my situation was that I don't live in the city, and you sum me up as a loser based on that?

>_>.... the tone of your post says you appear to be depressed. If you look depressed and sad these guys will not like you. You do not have to look happy. However, you cannot look depressed.

Again, you know nothing about what I've gone thru with online dating, which often involved me inviting the guy to meet, followed by the guy not showing up...thats happened at least 15 times, are you saying it was my fault the men never showed up?

Nope, you left out those details. Sorry hun, I can be left to make assumptions based on the kind of people who come to this forum. Well at least the women that I encounter.

No, I do not need to make a choice; I am not moving. I didn't create this topic to poll people on whether I should move -- this wasn't supposed to be about me at all. I merely posted this question because I hadn't seen this theory brought up before and it might have made some interesting conversation.

I answered your question and gave you my opinion. To be honets I do not see how this thread could not be all about you. You are asking what you are doing wrong.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I’ve never been a big fan of online dating websites. The idea of advertising yourself in 200 words or less, complete with bad photograph, seems to be impossible for people. I mean we’re all worth more than 200 words, we all have our own experiences, quirks, thoughts and goals, to force them into a small paragraph with the hope that someone, somewhere, will notice and approve is rather demeaning. Of course this isn’t an attack at you ladysigh, I mean nothing of the sort, but for me personally I dislike the concept of basing attraction on what hobbies people likes or what angle they used to take their photograph because I think we’re all worth far more than that.

Now as for finding love in the suburbs, I’m on the other side of the pond but stuck in a similar situation. I’m surrounded by families or elderly couples (not quite my thing) and the vast majority of singles are younger folks who forge relationships out of a drunken fumbles in the dark depths of a nightclub one weekend where they stick together out of routine more than anything else. Again that’s not my thing, I like the romance, I like the dating but it seems that along with my age (early thirties) I also have the factor of location throwing a spanner in the works. Despite being lonely I feel like the last living person in the morgue if that makes any sense.

The cities seem to be where its all at but I dislike the lifestyle there, give me my walks in the forest and lazy Sunday mornings and I’m comfortable, but the idea of having to leave that comfort zone just to meet someone (especially if that someone fails to turn up) is a frustrating task. Maybe I ‘retired’ too early, maybe I should still be competing in the big city rat race where I could meet likeminded competitors but like you, I see a lot of attractive women in the streets and wonder where on earth do they go to meet people? Is there some hidden club I haven’t discovered?

Either way I agree with you, dating in the city is nothing compared to the challenge of dating in the suburbs!

 

[ladysigh]

This "Relationships" category has one thread after another from lonely souls who cannot find someone. I merely started this thread as an observation that the solution might be as simple as changing their zip code. For me, finding someone is simply no longer a priority as I'm happy with my life here in the "boonies". I have two pool teams I play on twice a week, I volunteer at a nature preserve, I own my own home...

I've posted my own dating horror stories here so I didn't want to repeat them but feel free to go back and read this one...and this one...and this one.

I still don't see what in my post makes me come across as "depressed" (is it because I watch home renovation shows?) but whatever...I think I'm gonna walk away from this site for awhile.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I still don't see what in my post makes me come across as "depressed" (is it because I watch home renovation shows?) but whatever...I think I'm gonna walk away from this site for awhile.

Not sure where you got that impression from, you posted and I responded, I don’t think I made any accusations in there but taking a break is always a good thing.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

I live in a rural like area, near some suburbs. There's a drug store around the corner near my house that I would stop in occasionally, and this girl works there. I always admired her when I'd go in to buy stuff, I thought she was absolutely gorgeous in every way possible. I never talked to her though, we'd occasionally make eye contact, but she'd always look away as soon as we did. I decided to ask her out on a date, it took me a week to get up the courage to do it....but I did it.

We are now engaged to be married.

So to answer your concern....love could literally be "Right around the corner".

 

[AFrozenSoul]

This "Relationships" category has one thread after another from lonely souls who cannot find someone. I merely started this thread as an observation that the solution might be as simple as changing their zip code. For me, finding someone is simply no longer a priority as I'm happy with my life here in the "boonies". I have two pool teams I play on twice a week, I volunteer at a nature preserve, I own my own home...

I've posted my own dating horror stories here so I didn't want to repeat them but feel free to go back and read this one...and this one...and this one.

I still don't see what in my post makes me come across as "depressed" (is it because I watch home renovation shows?) but whatever...I think I'm gonna walk away from this site for awhile.

Sorry hun, I do not read every thread that comes through here. So I missed those, you are going to have to forgive me.

True enough your post was fairly neutral until you mentioned the good looking men. That is where I get my main impression that your apperance is not inviting. You asked where are they. I could also see a why don't they want me, but you held back.

As for the question about changing your zip code. I have answered that question for you. It is as simple as changing your zip code hun. If you are more easily accessible. More people will want to be around you. This means being closer to a higher population. If more people live around you then there is a higher chance you will be able to get someone to meet up. We are a society of convinence. If it is too difficult it is not worth our time. That is the kind of society we live in. Sad but true.

You also need to keep things in perspective as well. I would say that the vast majority of people suck at entertaining themselves. So they rely on otherst to entertain them. Being entertained is as simple as going out and interacting with other people. If it is hard to get to a place where you can socialize then it is boring.