Single with Friends

[edamame721]

I'm single and I have friends that are single. Sometimes, I feel lonely but I usually look forward to seeing my friends. It makes me feel unappreciated when we get together and they complain about being lonely.

Maybe it's because I have family members that are ill, but I try not to take anyone for granted -- whatever the relationship we have. But when they talk about feeling alone, that feeling also opens up in me and makes me depressed.

What can I do?

 

[Tiina63]

They are talking about being emotionally lonely-no partner, rather than being socially lonely-no friends or social life. So you don't need to feel unappreciated. It is no reflection on you or on the friendship you are offering.
If you find that talk of loneliness upsets you, could you look for some new friends who are not emotionally lonely, either because they have a significant other or because they are happy being single?

 

[edamame721]

They are talking about being emotionally lonely-no partner, rather than being socially lonely-no friends or social life. So you don't need to feel unappreciated. It is no reflection on you or on the friendship you are offering.
If you find that talk of loneliness upsets you, could you look for some new friends who are not emotionally lonely, either because they have a significant other or because they are happy being single?

You're right. I'm not going to try to take it personally. I suppose I was getting annoyed because I was being complained to whenever I did something nice for my family and friends. I understand they might be emotionally lonely, but I don't understand taking it out on someone who tries to be supportive. I guess I wasn't smart enough to leave them alone. It just feels like too much, when I let them know I'm dealing with say, a relative in the hospital. It's been a long time since anyone reached out and did something nice for me.

I did try to reach out to some people, but they've been notoriously flighty. Perhaps I just need to focus on myself.

 

[Tiina63]

I wouldn't say that they are taking it out on you, but rather that they see you as someone they can turn to and trust with how they are feeling about being single. It is a compliment to you that they are open with you about their deepest longings rather than putting on a front and pretending that their lives are happy and fulfilled.
It is hard when we need support ourselves to listen to and take on board other people's problems, especially if we are not getting support from them. Have been in this situation many times and it never gets easier.

 

[edamame721]

I wouldn't say that they are taking it out on you, but rather that they see you as someone they can turn to and trust with how they are feeling about being single. It is a compliment to you that they are open with you about their deepest longings rather than putting on a front and pretending that their lives are happy and fulfilled.
It is hard when we need support ourselves to listen to and take on board other people's problems, especially if we are not getting support from them. Have been in this situation many times and it never gets easier.

I'll try to remember this. I've called out people before when they were taking advantage of my kindness and pointed out the lack of reciprocal effort they've given to me. That usually leads them to distance themselves from me and wait until I decide to forgive and make another effort for them. I'm going to be harder about that.

With the last, most recent situation via text, I told the person they should be grateful for who they have today especially when I have a relative in the hospital. They can (make the effort to) meet me in person and talk then, if they want.

 

[Tiina63]

I have often found that people have seen me as the one they go to with their problems and when I try to talk about my own problems, they back away. It is very hard to be seen as the 'strong one' all the time.
The problem with telling someone that they ought to be grateful may make them feel worse, because it can seem that their problems and feelings are being dismissed and/or overlooked. To them, their problems are as important and as big as your having a sick relative in hospital.

 

[edamame721]

I have often found that people have seen me as the one they go to with their problems and when I try to talk about my own problems, they back away. It is very hard to be seen as the 'strong one' all the time.
The problem with telling someone that they ought to be grateful may make them feel worse, because it can seem that their problems and feelings are being dismissed and/or overlooked. To them, their problems are as important and as big as your having a sick relative in hospital.

I'm single, of course I understand the loneliness that comes with that. I tried to re-frame their thinking to make them less lonely (focus on gratefulness), then I said I was willing to meet and talk, and recently, after being ignored, I let them know that other people felt lonely too and their silence was making me feel lonely.

I've done the best I can. Especially with people who have backed away from me before when I wanted to talk. I'm done feeling guilty. I've been understanding and sensitive enough.