I'm feeling really sad as I have been writing to someone from a dating site for 18 months and was hoping that maybe something would come of it, but suddenly and out of the blue he has begun dating someone else from the site. I know that it was unusual to be writing for so long without a meeting; this has never happened before, emailing someone for well over a year without a meeting. We live about 30 miles apart (in the UK this is a fair distance, but not too far) and I hoped he would suggest a meeting. I was the one who suggested using email after some months instead of writing to each other via the dating site so I didn't want to be the one to suggest a meeting as well as it would have felt that I was doing all the chasing or something. Now he expects me to be happy for him and to be honest I don't feel that way. I don't love him or anything as we haven't met, but we do have a fair bit in common as people and backgroundwise and I was hoping that maybe something would come of it. I'm left wondering now why he has been writing to me for so long. As I am going through something else really heavy in my life and am really sad and worried about that, this has come as another blow. I don't understand why he never suggested meeting me. I had put it down to incredible shyness and lack of confidence and hoped it was something he could overcome, but he clearly had the confidence to meet this other lady, so it can't have been that. And if it was that he thought it wouldn't work out, why did he bother writing to me every day?
Someone from a dating site.
- Thread starter Tiina63
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Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
Tiina63 said:
maybe he only saw you as an 'email friend' ?
Or because you never suggested meeting he thought you wasn't that bothered. 30 miles isn't far, you should have met up after a month of writing to each other especially since he was writing every day.
Oldyoung
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Sorry to hear your story, and I can understand that you feel you're treated unfairly. It's apparent there was some chemistry though, given the regularity of contact. I hope that was nice overall. But there's no shame in limiting that contact now, if that would make you more comfortable. (Or keep it up, if that's for the best)
Wish you better luck in the future.
Wish you better luck in the future.
I know you met on a dating site, but did you send any type of message to him that you want things to go further? Or did you wait for the guy to make the move?
Depending on the woman this is certainly something that comes into play. I think if a woman doesn't seem interested or happy how things are then it's something they never act on, and he may have thought this too - especially if you take into consideration the length of time you's wrote.
Depending on the woman this is certainly something that comes into play. I think if a woman doesn't seem interested or happy how things are then it's something they never act on, and he may have thought this too - especially if you take into consideration the length of time you's wrote.
S
SophiaGrace
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I'm so sorry Tiina. You deserve better. 
ladyforsaken
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Sorry to hear about this Tiina
I'm also wondering the same thing as 9006 though.
*hugs*
I'm also wondering the same thing as 9006 though.
*hugs*
R
Retrospective81
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duff said:
I am really sorry to hear this tiina. Sometimes people just do what seemingly is, the most 'unusual things'. Especially from our perspective. A lot of similar thins have happened to me and no doubt, it can leave you wondering. What you shouldn't try to do though, is blame yourself. People just have their own reasons and obligations and what I am learning is, its never really our fault. We just have our own way of doing thins, and if thins don't go our own way in regards to our expectations, it can be discouraging etc. Its a natural human reaction.
Try to see this as a learning experience or, stepping stone. Try to think of it a something that's set you in good stead for reaching out and meeting people. As hard as it is, I can see good thins have come out of this.
Be strong tiina and wish the guy well. Keep talkin to him/ be friends as you never know, you could still meet. One of the beauties about life is 'not knowing the surprises in store'
Peace and love.
Thank you everyone who has taken the time and trouble to reply to me.
Duff, you were right. I wrote to him this morning and said how I had been hoping to meet up and see if anything more would develop between us, and he replied and said that he saw me as an email friend. He has had a penfriend in London for thirty years and said he thinks of me in the same way as he does her. He doesn't want to lose our penfriendship, but as I was hoping for more and he has said that there won't be more, then all I can do is let him go.
9006, we wrote about relationships in general and about how much we both wanted one, and we were open about many things which had happened in our pasts etc. I didn't come straight out (before this morning) and say that I was wondering if we could move forward now as I lack confidence and because I wasn't getting any signals from him. POF had technical problems a while ago and that was when I first sent him my email add. He didn't use it but kept on emailing me from the site for several more months. It was only when I suggested using email instead that he agreed. I felt that as I had initiated our first contact (I replied to his profile) and had pressed the email issue, that I didn't want to press him about meeting as well incase I came across as grabby or pushy or something. I said in my very first message to him that I was on the site in the search for a serious relationship, so I assumed that he was open to the possibility with me. Now when I look at the situation, I can see that he let me do all the initiating. He also said that this new lady had contacted him first.
Spohia Grace, thank you for your kind sympathy. You have always been one of my favourite people on this site as you are so understanding.
Lady Forsaken thank you too for your kind words. Maybe I could have done more, but for the reasons above it was hard. It
took me a while to pluck up the courage even to suggest moving over to email instead of mailing at POF.
Retrospetive, ome good thing has come out of this which I won't go into here, but I will try to bear it in mind. There is part of me which is wondering 'wasn't I good enough for him?' and I want to work through this with my counsellor.
Edward W, I know what you mean about the distance. The new lady lives 60 miles from him so is even further away than I am. Our not meeting has been niggling at me for over a year, to be honest with you. I have dated online before and noone has just emailed for 18 months every day and yet never suggested meeting. Normally after a couple of weeks the subect of meeting comes up and, even if two people live far apart, usually a prospective meeting is talked about.
Duff, you were right. I wrote to him this morning and said how I had been hoping to meet up and see if anything more would develop between us, and he replied and said that he saw me as an email friend. He has had a penfriend in London for thirty years and said he thinks of me in the same way as he does her. He doesn't want to lose our penfriendship, but as I was hoping for more and he has said that there won't be more, then all I can do is let him go.
9006, we wrote about relationships in general and about how much we both wanted one, and we were open about many things which had happened in our pasts etc. I didn't come straight out (before this morning) and say that I was wondering if we could move forward now as I lack confidence and because I wasn't getting any signals from him. POF had technical problems a while ago and that was when I first sent him my email add. He didn't use it but kept on emailing me from the site for several more months. It was only when I suggested using email instead that he agreed. I felt that as I had initiated our first contact (I replied to his profile) and had pressed the email issue, that I didn't want to press him about meeting as well incase I came across as grabby or pushy or something. I said in my very first message to him that I was on the site in the search for a serious relationship, so I assumed that he was open to the possibility with me. Now when I look at the situation, I can see that he let me do all the initiating. He also said that this new lady had contacted him first.
Spohia Grace, thank you for your kind sympathy. You have always been one of my favourite people on this site as you are so understanding.
Lady Forsaken thank you too for your kind words. Maybe I could have done more, but for the reasons above it was hard. It
took me a while to pluck up the courage even to suggest moving over to email instead of mailing at POF.
Retrospetive, ome good thing has come out of this which I won't go into here, but I will try to bear it in mind. There is part of me which is wondering 'wasn't I good enough for him?' and I want to work through this with my counsellor.
Edward W, I know what you mean about the distance. The new lady lives 60 miles from him so is even further away than I am. Our not meeting has been niggling at me for over a year, to be honest with you. I have dated online before and noone has just emailed for 18 months every day and yet never suggested meeting. Normally after a couple of weeks the subect of meeting comes up and, even if two people live far apart, usually a prospective meeting is talked about.
ladyforsaken
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I'm sorry it didn't exactly turn out the way you would've wanted things to turn out. But I hope that with that, you both can continue being friends at least. *hugs*
Evil_Genius
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As frustrating as it is, I would say use this as a learning experience. The only thing you can do from such a poor experience is turn it to your advantage.
Next time you try this, (and of course I suggest you don't let one poor experience colour your whole experience and try this again) put your cards on the table more. If they say from day one, I'm looking for a penfriend then it's nice if something develops, but you're not surprised as you were above.
I would also be wary of how you phrase it. from experience, people who mention they want to get married in the first 3 sentences, may be willing to make it work, a little bit more then sanity should suggest is wise.
And in the UK a mere 30 miles can feel like the far side of the Atlantic some times.....
Next time you try this, (and of course I suggest you don't let one poor experience colour your whole experience and try this again) put your cards on the table more. If they say from day one, I'm looking for a penfriend then it's nice if something develops, but you're not surprised as you were above.
I would also be wary of how you phrase it. from experience, people who mention they want to get married in the first 3 sentences, may be willing to make it work, a little bit more then sanity should suggest is wise.
And in the UK a mere 30 miles can feel like the far side of the Atlantic some times.....
Tiina63 said:
one of my dad's favourite sayings - he who hesitates is lost !
in your case it's she who hesitates. I think you need to learn from this. If you meet (online) someone who you like then go for it, suggest meeting, write about your feelings. It's only words on a screen, shouldn't be that embarrassing. Go for it ! Be positive ! Go for what you want. If you fail then at least you have tried !
Good Luck !
Hi and thank you for your replies.
Evil_Genius I will take your advice to see this as a learning experience and will never fall into endless emailing again. I had thought that it was odd. We never even exchanged phone numbers.
Duff-I will suggest meeting if anything similiar happens again. I do feel really low about it and keep crying. It's left me feeling pretty worthless and awful. It would have been better to have met because then maybe I wouldn't have liked him enough either to want more than friendship, and I wouldn't have been left feeling like this. It has made me realise how bad it feels when someone says 'can we just be friends?'
Evil_Genius I will take your advice to see this as a learning experience and will never fall into endless emailing again. I had thought that it was odd. We never even exchanged phone numbers.
Duff-I will suggest meeting if anything similiar happens again. I do feel really low about it and keep crying. It's left me feeling pretty worthless and awful. It would have been better to have met because then maybe I wouldn't have liked him enough either to want more than friendship, and I wouldn't have been left feeling like this. It has made me realise how bad it feels when someone says 'can we just be friends?'
dear Tiina, I am sorry you feel worthless, because it isn't absolutely the case. Perhaps next time you will be more careful, and ask questions about what kind of relationship it is, so you don't waste your precious time? We all make mistakes and learn from them. If someone don't care for meeting you after max a month, then it's unlikely that there is a strong attraction, because we all want to be close to what we really like. Please invest your extremely precious time in thinking about things that are good for you, and not this loser who doesn't know what he wants. hugs
Thank you for your kind reply, Peaches. I think you are right-if a meeting isn't suggested after a month, then nothing is likely to come of it. Even if he had lived much further away, 18 months is a long time to just be emailing. I once wrote to a man overseas and we met after only five months. But in my own country then a meeting should be arranged quickly. In future I will ask more questions about what the other person hopes to find with me so as not to waste time. It does make me wonder-in some ways we were close, yet I was too nervous to suggest meeting.
