That Empty Feeling

[sylvestris lybica]

So I started a busier schedule again. Semester started, decided to add the gym and therapy to my schedule, trying to sign up to volunteer on the weekends.

While I was walking from place to place, doing this and that, I realized that I had this stupid smile on my face the whole time. I was not happy, I was not amused, I was just smiling despite myself.

I just didn't give a ****. And so I smiled.

And it's just been that empty feeling, like I'm drunk and high on Novocaine or something, all day long. I've got the stupid smile at work, the stupid smile when I'm sitting in class supposed to be paying attention, the stupid smile when my mom is venting a serious concern to me and I just don't care about her and I have to hide my face in the pillow or I will burst out laughing.

Maybe it'll stick around, maybe it's a good thing. I don't feel lonely right now, nor do I feel worried or afraid. I feel nothing at all and it is the best, most meaningless moment of my life in five years. I could go another fifty years just floating like this, and I wonder if this is how all those other miserable people get by.

This is a longass post and I'm sure no one cares or knows what I'm talking about. But a switch went off in my brain this week and I wish I could properly describe it.

 

[flaneur]

I can sort of relate. I'm very apathetic these days. I just don't care.

Although I don't smile like that, I do have to keep myself from bursting into laughter when people try to argue with me, especially when they're my parents. It feels like they're taking it all way too seriously.

 

[bookworm1979]

Must be because the world is ending this year (again), LOL...

sylvestris lybica: I love the pondering dinosaur!!!

 

[beautifulsorrow]

I've sometimes been in states where I would feel like smiling at something that is very sad, depressing and it would make me think of myself as evil. But I think its because your brain is trying to keep you away from feeling anything after emotional trauma (does'nt have to be an incident). There's a way to get rid of it if thats what you want to do, it involves triggering emotions that caused the emotion overdose in the first place and letting them out by feeling them, maybe sharing them and it gradually works.

 

[Ox Blood]

I think it's admirable that you chose such constructive distractions (volunteering, gym, school) -- despite the empty feeling. Have you talked about this in therapy?

That void feeling brings on a lot of destructive tendencies in my case... Just to feel something, regardless of consequence. It's no way to live, really. The guilt and regrets are hardly worth it -- it's especially worse when others get sucked into the black holes you create.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Idk....it might be a good thing.

I use the sedona methdoe to let go of
my feelings. The instuctions say you
pretty much wanna be able to let go
to not give a fresia oneway or the other.

yeah..like giggling or smiling effortkessly.

Maybe you intuitively let go without knowing
you let go...

Do you feel any pains or discomfort?
If not....then thats not a bad thing.

my emotions are all messed up.
Sometimes i wish i can walk around
with a smile without all the stupid honeysuckle
in my head and messed up feelings.

---

we cant change how others feel or do no matter the curcunstanxe...
so why feel bad.

 

[sunshinemisa]

I've felt that way for some time now. I've always worried (high anxiety) about what other people would say or think about me and when you don't have that kind of anxiety, it's the best feeling in the world.

It's just like you mentioned, "like a switch went off in your brain", one day I just didn't give a **** about what other people were saying or thinking anymore.

What bothers me is seeing people treat other people not so well; putting people down, bullying people, etc. When I say something because no one else is standing up to these people, everyone else looks at me as if I'm the bad person. So, depending on the situation and the people involved I either say something and ignore everyone else or I just leave.

I guess, so long as you are not avoiding situations or issues that need to be dealt with and addressed then I say it's a good thing.