The Closed Door...

[theSmokingRabbit]

I like to think we all have a metaphorical door. Using this analogy it becomes easier to express states of extroversion, introversion and the overall way you are choosing to ‘let in’ the world. While you read what is sure to be a heavy block of text ask yourself how you have your door positioned. Is it open? Closed? Locked even?



I clash on some critical level with nearly everyone I meet. Whether I’m being too harsh or un-compassionate (as I’ve been described) I don’t have more than one or two close friends. Even my friends and I clash often. On occasion I do meet someone who has an opposite philosophy towards a certain subject or even towards their existential view of it all. We should be tearing at each other’s throats debating God or what have you but we don’t…

Sometimes I wish I could deal with people who disagree with me all day, if only they were all so civil. From these experiences I learn and tend to feel some sort of cynical optimism towards society.

Afterwards I analyzed how the contact was initiated. Almost always I am distracted and unable to sabotage myself like normal. Even my posture presents itself as ‘open’. My arms aren’t crossed, my shoulders are relaxed and overall I am at ease. I am perceived as being open. Usually I’m dressed out of my norm for some reason. Normally I’m wearing a hat low, a hoodie during the colder months with my hands in my pockets and my head down. I just tend to float around observing my environment apathetically. Without my hat or hoodie people see my face and are definitely more open to it. I seem to get friendly smiles or chatted up, even though I'm not looking for such things.

I try to keep my door cracked now (slightly ajar if you will). I attempt to be more open to social situations. I’m not looking for any but I’m also trying not to scare any off. That’s how I am.

How are you? Do you present yourself in a closed nature? Have you locked yourself away so that even those rare and minuscule social events are denied?

Understanding how you are seen can help you on the right path to overcoming loneliness. Try smiling more next time you’re out. Hold your head up high and don’t cross limbs as much. Smile even.

This is just an observation from a intentionally reclusive hermit... so take it as you will.

In the mean time :: shuts door ::

 

[JamaisVu]

I clash on some critical level with nearly everyone I meet. Whether I’m being too harsh or un-compassionate (as I’ve been described) I don’t have more than one or two close friends. Even my friends and I clash often. On occasion I do meet someone who has an opposite philosophy towards a certain subject or even towards their existential view of it all. We should be tearing at each other’s throats debating God or what have you but we don’t…

That's really why I maintain a "closed door," if I met more like-minded people then I'd be much more willing to socialize. I just can't have serious discussions with most people, my views and lifestyle will offend them, and I'm not interested in smalltalk and acquaintances. My appearance is approachable, but it does me no good to attract just anyone when I seek genuine friendship (which requires a certain level of compatibility).

 

[Ak5]

When I was overweight, I closed my door. Now that I'm in good shape, I'm open.

Excellent analogy

 

[jjam]

If you are interested in smiling more while out but struggle to find those genuine smiles, perhaps you could try listening to comedy while you're out and about. Smiling for the sake of extracting a positive response from someone, such as a smile in return, leaves the potential for discouraging results. We all have our moments to do the things we do. Not everyone will be prepared in your moment of smiling (or greeting) to return the gesture. However, if you instead let an external source drive you to smile, then you will not be susceptible to disappointment when you find someone or others just don't have it in them to rise to your happy occasion. This may seem selfish, but smile because you want to smile. Smile because you want to feel good. Practice feeling good. Then it will become easier to feel it and show it genuinely.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

That's really why I maintain a "closed door," if I met more like-minded people then I'd be much more willing to socialize. I just can't have serious discussions with most people, my views and lifestyle will offend them, and I'm not interested in smalltalk and acquaintances. My appearance is approachable, but it does me no good to attract just anyone when I seek genuine friendship (which requires a certain level of compatibility).

I don't small-talk too much either. It is a shame that so many people are closed off to the ideas of others or even just talking about them. But I do have this to ask since you say it does no good to attract 'just anyone' when you're looking for a genuine friendship (like the rest of us). How do you know that that 'just anyone' isn't a potential friend in the works? It sucks having to deal with the nine jackasses for one decent conversation but it is a method.

When I was overweight, I closed my door. Now that I'm in good shape, I'm open.

Excellent analogy

Glad to hear this Ak5. Confidence goes a long way.

If you are interested in smiling more while out but struggle to find those genuine smiles, perhaps you could try listening to comedy while you're out and about. Smiling for the sake of extracting a positive response from someone, such as a smile in return, leaves the potential for discouraging results. We all have our moments to do the things we do. Not everyone will be prepared in your moment of smiling (or greeting) to return the gesture. However, if you instead let an external source drive you to smile, then you will not be susceptible to disappointment when you find someone or others just don't have it in them to rise to your happy occasion. This may seem selfish, but smile because you want to smile. Smile because you want to feel good. Practice feeling good. Then it will become easier to feel it and show it genuinely.

I really like what you've said here.

To make myself more open in situations where I find it necessary I hum or sing a song to myself. Sometimes I look offbeat but most of the times I'm just a guy having a good time. Otherwise I'll start to break-down and analyze everything, becoming far too critical to do any good.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Bondaries not walls....

Some people use the gatekeeper mataphor.

Some pople use the Filter mataphore.

Some people dont know what the hell bonbaries are.
I meet poeple like that from time to time...They just butt into a converstation
of having with someone...etc..etc.

I know it's about as simple as ....salemans knocking at my door trying to sell me whatever.

Kindda like I gotta clean out all the **** junk e mails i get everyday. We get bombared with a lot Bullshit today.

Poeple are the sameway...knocking at my gate trying to sell me thier ideas, opinions, believes
or whatever.
I have a chioce...I dont need to buy any of it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I do small talk. I do it all the time. Big talk is my issue. In fact I just told a guy he looked nice tonight in his suit. I asked another guy with a green lantern t shirt whether or not he was a green lantern fan. small things, they make my day.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

I do small talk. I do it all the time. Big talk is my issue. In fact I just told a guy he looked nice tonight in his suit. I asked another guy with a green lantern t shirt whether or not he was a green lantern fan. small things, they make my day.

I admittedly don't do well when girls try to small-talk with me.

Being the opposite (big-talk > small-talk). Social interactions are always interesting...

I have an Army of Darkness shirt that no one ever seems to recognize. The couple of times someone noticed it I froze and was like "Yeah... thanks?"

 

[SophiaGrace]

I do small talk. I do it all the time. Big talk is my issue. In fact I just told a guy he looked nice tonight in his suit. I asked another guy with a green lantern t shirt whether or not he was a green lantern fan. small things, they make my day.

I admittedly don't do well when girls try to small-talk with me.

Being the opposite (big-talk > small-talk). Social interactions are always interesting...

I have an Army of Darkness shirt that no one ever seems to recognize. The couple of times someone noticed it I froze and was like "Yeah... thanks?"

When I feel bad I don't do small talk at all. I just keep my head down and probably look ashamed.

When I feel good I do small talk.

 

[VideoVidiVisum]

Some people dont know what the hell bonbaries are.

please, enlighten me, I've never heard of bonbaries xD

and I'd like to think of my door as slightly cracked... you can't immediately see through but if you nudge things will be clearer.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

When I feel good I do small talk.

Then it's a good sign you were small-talking today.

 

[JamaisVu]

I don't small-talk too much either. It is a shame that so many people are closed off to the ideas of others or even just talking about them. But I do have this to ask since you say it does no good to attract 'just anyone' when you're looking for a genuine friendship (like the rest of us). How do you know that that 'just anyone' isn't a potential friend in the works? It sucks having to deal with the nine jackasses for one decent conversation but it is a method.

I don't, but I'm wary of talking to just anyone because of so many bad experiences. I don't mind talking to people who have different opinions, I'm open-minded and tolerant, but it's all I ever do and we never click well enough to form a deeper bond. I'm in situations like that now, and it just hasn't gone that well to be honest. It's stressful and depressing at times.

One person just sort of likes me anyway despite our vast differences of opinion and I genuinely care about him, but I know we'll always avoid deeper topics because of previous arguments. I don't care to walk on eggshells around friends, and I'm not sure he's open-minded enough to just accept me as I am because at first he couldn't and we upset one another very much. We're talking again but I'm not optimistic.

Another person shares my life philosophy and we have some common interests. He basically lacks empathy though, and in some ways he strikes me as narrow-minded. For example he doesn't believe in mental illness and thinks people should just "get over it." This makes him a terrible friend for someone like me who has essentially messed up her life after years and years of untreated mental illness that is almost certainly due to faulty brain chemistry. There's no emotional connection or deep understanding, and I don't feel comfortable discussing my life with him if it's a non-frivolous issue. He chalks up my marital problems to my husband being a psycho (he isn't) and says I should become a stripper to gain more independence (I'm in my late 20's and an A cup and I'd fall off the stage in 4" heels). He means well but he trivializes problems that are important to me.

Another person is highly compatible in a fundamental way but we have few shared interests and in some ways our personalities clash.

I'm friendly and agreeable because it makes the social interaction go smoothly and I don't care to argue or make enemies, but the result is that people find me likeable without really knowing me. Part of the reason I don't socialize much in real life is because I get too much male attention from men who don't notice the rings or just don't care and it's yet another uncomfortable situation, especially if they're persistent.

One of the main reasons I socialize online is because it allows me to find the people who are at least somewhat compatible (and filter out those who aren't) more easily. Most people are open about their views/lifestyle so I'll know soon enough if we'll click. If we don't, I can quietly drift off early on in the relationship without causing a big argument or hurt feelings.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

I can understand how being a like-able person could make it hard to develop actual relationships.

One of my only male friends is like the second one you described. There are very few things we have in common but we are still very good friends, have been for over a decade. We've been clashing for the better parts of our lives but it still works, and in a constructive way too.

The internet is a great barrier for a lot of the bullshit we would normally have to deal with. It's also nice to see it used for civil socializing and not... other things.


How often would you say you tone down your 'charm' and are real with people?

 

[Sprint]

Another person shares my life philosophy and we have some common interests. He basically lacks empathy though, and in some ways he strikes me as narrow-minded. For example he doesn't believe in mental illness and thinks people should just "get over it." This makes him a terrible friend for someone like me who has essentially messed up her life after years and years of untreated mental illness that is almost certainly due to faulty brain chemistry. There's no emotional connection or deep understanding, and I don't feel comfortable discussing my life with him if it's a non-frivolous issue. He chalks up my marital problems to my husband being a psycho (he isn't) and says I should become a stripper to gain more independence (I'm in my late 20's and an A cup and I'd fall off the stage in 4" heels). He means well but he trivializes problems that are important to me.

This is some of the worst advice I've ever seen lol.

One of the main reasons I socialize online is because it allows me to find the people who are at least somewhat compatible (and filter out those who aren't) more easily. Most people are open about their views/lifestyle so I'll know soon enough if we'll click. If we don't, I can quietly drift off early on in the relationship without causing a big argument or hurt feelings.

I completely relate to this

 

[IgnoredOne]

How are you? Do you present yourself in a closed nature? Have you locked yourself away so that even those rare and minuscule social events are denied?

Understanding how you are seen can help you on the right path to overcoming loneliness. Try smiling more next time you’re out. Hold your head up high and don’t cross limbs as much. Smile even.

I find that the more comfortable you appear to be when you interact with others, the more comfortable they will be with you as well. Definitely be self-aware - being too uncomfortable and awkward will unfortunately set the other person on edge, for better or worse. I find that if that's the case, it really can help just to be honest and admit that you're shy; a lot of people will become more indulgent rather than if you tried to vaguely maybe hide your nature.

You mentioned body posture in it - and yes, that matters. Straight straight, breath deeply, and generally try to appear relaxed, but ultimately its better to be /actually/ relaxed and comfortable. But until you can make it, faking it can work and acting does indeed become reality with any degree of persistence.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

It's a fine analogy, and I'd have to say my door used to locked tight, but lately it's just open to nearly anyone. As a matter of fact, it's been so open lately, it made me realize that the problem doesn't lie with my door, it's with people not wanting to come in, or having to step over the threshold.