I'm sitting in the living room in the darkness(21.50 BST), staring at the glare of my open laptop.
I've done nothing today.
My house is a mess. I am very much alone. Part of me thinks deservedly so. I am socially awkward and painfully aware of my own inadequacies. I am overweight. No fat. I am out of shape. I do not want to speak to family. That would be admitting my failure. Nobody wants to admit that they have failed at life. Doing so is something I am doing now.
I am not living, but surviving.
Surviving.
Being painfully aware of my own deficiencies is an odd thing but it is something that is true. Writing normally is an escapist pursuit for me. Tonight I cannot get the thought of nothingness out of my mind.
That is the worst thing about loneliness, the unrelenting time to think. To think of yourself gives you a chance to assess yourself and what I see is ugly in spirit and soul.
This is not to say that I don't want to change, but how do you change the habits of a lifetime overnight?
I have tried CBT on myself but it is not lasting.
The fear is that this cannot be changed,
Did I mention that in typing this, I am also expressing an inner narcissist? Ha.
I will feel better tomorrow. That is for certain.
Today I feel worthless though. I have no specific reason, no rationale.
Thank you for the admin of this forum for allowing me to vent.
I've done nothing today.
My house is a mess. I am very much alone. Part of me thinks deservedly so. I am socially awkward and painfully aware of my own inadequacies. I am overweight. No fat. I am out of shape. I do not want to speak to family. That would be admitting my failure. Nobody wants to admit that they have failed at life. Doing so is something I am doing now.
I am not living, but surviving.
Surviving.
Being painfully aware of my own deficiencies is an odd thing but it is something that is true. Writing normally is an escapist pursuit for me. Tonight I cannot get the thought of nothingness out of my mind.
That is the worst thing about loneliness, the unrelenting time to think. To think of yourself gives you a chance to assess yourself and what I see is ugly in spirit and soul.
This is not to say that I don't want to change, but how do you change the habits of a lifetime overnight?
I have tried CBT on myself but it is not lasting.
The fear is that this cannot be changed,
Did I mention that in typing this, I am also expressing an inner narcissist? Ha.
I will feel better tomorrow. That is for certain.
Today I feel worthless though. I have no specific reason, no rationale.
Thank you for the admin of this forum for allowing me to vent.