The Silence That Binds

[SophiaGrace]

It sucks a lot when you cant tell people how you really feel inside. Like, when you are hurting, but you just cant bring yourself to say it. I can't tell the people around me offline how I feel, tell them what i've been through these past two years.



I have to keep it all inside and it sucks. It sucks a lot.

I'm just in a sad mood today and I dont know why. I think it's because I have felt unloved these past few days now that I lost a friend that I used to talk to every night for years. And now they are gone, and I just feel so empty and lonely inside.

I keep trying to tell myself this mood will pass, but somehow I feel like I will never be rid of my depression, that I will never overcome it. That maybe people will know I am sad by the expression on my face but that I'll never be able to tell them how sad I feel inside.

:l

I wish I had someone to talk to, someone I loved and who loved me back. It's so stupid, but I just want to feel loved. When I am at school I dont really talk to my mom much, I just..i keep to myself. I mean this semester my grades are better and I'm happy about that . That is so good.

I just wish I had someone who loved me. I wish I didnt feel so disconnected from everyone. I wish I didnt feel..so...seperate.

 

[Badjedidude]

I love you, Lurker!

----Steve

 

[SophiaGrace]

I love you, Lurker!

----Steve

*hug*

 

[Badjedidude]

^_^ Heeeeeeeee lol PM me sometime if you wanna chat a bit, Lurker.

----Steve

 

[Solace]

I often feel... separate, too.

Let me tell you... the depression lifts, sometimes, even against your own will. Sometimes it stays against your will. It is a force of it's own, sometimes. But there are things you can do to encourage it to stay or to go.

My depression lightened a good deal while on medication. I don't know if numbness replaced it. I can't remember. It was a long time ago. And it's also lightened a good deal (against my will both times) off medication. *shrugs*

Now I can't possibly understand where I'd WANT the depression to stay. Well, I do understand. I thought I deserved it. But now i know that's ridiculous.

---

P.S I've not had long episodes of depression for over a year. I've had some that lasted days or weeks but not months. And i've had episodes of despair that lasted hours or days.

 

[Badjedidude]

Lol Lurker, you squirrely little fiend.

Loves ya. *hugs*

----Steve

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...I attend 12 steps support groups for reasons.
Abusing drugs and alcohol wasn't too healthy for me. It just fed into my depression , disconnect even more.
Anyways, I havn't gotten high in almost 19 years. The last I got drunk was almost 6 years ago. It didn't solved
any of my problems...I was in a lot of pains but all alcohol is for me was gave me a different type of pains
after a night of numbness. Nothing bad happened....heck even my ex-gf used to come over every night
and had sex with me while we were separated. She used to just come home after work..but had to leave at 4 a.m. to go to her place
becuase we were separated...hahahaaaaa. Who in the hell can understand that???lmao And what was the piont of us separating?
well...I kicked her ass out. I thought i have had enough...evidently I didn't. She didn't even move any of her belongings such as her blow dryer and make up.hahahaaa
Anyway...at the end I got really depressed as fresia.

Okay..enough with the drinking problems...I don't have a drinking problem. I have a living problem.lol

I havn't gotton high or drunk in so all...how can I be an addict or alcoholic...you may ask???
Dose it matter? I'm just trying to live a healthy and positive life.

I attend these support groups because I need to just let the honeysuckle I was carry out. Talk to someone.
Eventaully i met poeple the really cares and love me. Poeple that actaully listen to and hear me without judging me.
Whatever problems or troubles I'm going through...I can call someone...I have network of people I can call for whatever
reasons. Though none of those people are going to solve my problems or fix me...but it helps to talk to people that understands.

Plus I learned a lot of living tools and copping skills from these people.

And where were my family and freinds?..They were actaully mad at me becuase I kept letting my ex-gf back into my life...after
many, many attemps of trying to make it work. After all the dramma, chaos and wreackage my ex-gf cuased us.
I felt no one understood me.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I often feel... separate, too.

*hug*

I'm sorry i'm in a hugging mood.

---

Lol Lurker, you squirrely little fiend.

I be YOUR squirrley little fiend, and dont you forget it!