They can sense it. They can see behind the mask.

[Dabnis_Brickey]

Since high school, I have tried to hide behind a mask. Masking my loneliness, awkwardness, self-hatred, social ineptness, etc. pretty effectively through lies, fake smiles and false confidence. Or so I thought.

Lately I am beginning to realize that they could see behind the mask all along. They knew all of these things. They could see through it easily. They felt pity for me. They look down on me.

And it hurts. It hurts when something you are trying so desperately to hide isn't so hidden after all. A persona that you have worked on for so long doesn't actually help your cause at all.

So being that I am already exposed, what am I supposed to do now? I am so lost.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What you are fearing is something that everyone fears. Everyone thinks there is a spotlight on them, and that everyone can see their flaws and that they aren't perfect. Even the popular people.

You aren't a unique snowflake. Everyone feels this. Just realize that it is part of being human, and that part of it is probably delusional. Nobody can see behind your mask, or whatever you present yourself as. Give yourself more credit than that.

 

[theglasscell]

Since high school, I have tried to hide behind a mask. Masking my loneliness, awkwardness, self-hatred, social ineptness, etc. pretty effectively through lies, fake smiles and false confidence. Or so I thought.

Lately I am beginning to realize that they could see behind the mask all along. They knew all of these things. They could see through it easily. They felt pity for me. They look down on me.

And it hurts. It hurts when something you are trying so desperately to hide isn't so hidden after all. A persona that you have worked on for so long doesn't actually help your cause at all.

So being that I am already exposed, what am I supposed to do now? I am so lost.

You feel that way, just like I have so many times. But it's not true. Don't let feelings become facts.

The truth is that most people are only thinking about themselves for the most part, somebody is walking around worrying whether their hair or outfit looks stupid, they look at you and aren't seeing behind the mask, they are just wondering if you see how stupid they think they look.

That's basically how it works for most people.

It is what it is, the other day I was on the subway to work and this guy stared right at the I Love Katy Perry button on my bookbag and mouthed the word "faggot".

Am I supposed to get upset about that? I guess I was exposed as a Katy Perry fan, I may have wanted to kick him in the teeth but I certainly didn't feel bad about myself.

So even if somebody does see something ridiculous about you, or something you want hidden, and they judge you, it really doesn't matter.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

People can judge you for stupid stuff.

I'm a mild Katy Perry fan, but a full blown stan of Christina Aguilera. I equate her up there with The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Genesis, and Rush.

This gets people's feathers ruffled a bit, because people usually expect Christina fans to be one way. They don't expect a sci-fi loving, computer programming, musician and writer. I've even got into arguments over this with other Christina fans, because they are all into boy bands, and I could care less...I try to get them into Rush, lol.

Ah, people are all different. You can't expect people to be rational. Even Einstein said that human beings are the most irrational beings on this planet. Even ants are more intelligent than us.

 

[Dabnis_Brickey]

I certainly don't believe I am a 'unique snowflake'. If I thought that, I wouldn't be here asking for advice given that said advice would be nearly null because of my supposed uniqueness.

And I would normally agree other statements made but certain instances lead me to believe it is a bit different than what you all are talking about.

The most common example for me is people telling me to 'be myself' or 'stop looking so depressed' or 'you look like a loner' or 'You seem really shy' or something similar. These are all things I work hard to hide.

I understand what you all are saying - people are generally too self-absorbed to pay attention to anyone else - but when someone actually says these things to you to your face, it is a bit different.

Essentially, this is how most of us live:

It seems as though I have a few holes in my human suit or something.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Wow, that is definitely not how I act. Unless you are describing coffee drinking as something to put a face on.

I don't believe most people are hiding themselves. That is a pretty shallow worldview. Not calling you shallow, but the viewpoint is, kind of. Most people are what they are, they show that to the world.

Maybe I'm optimistic, but I don't view things that way.

 

[Alienated]

That is WODERFUL to hear Dabnis for years I have been trying to tell people, that their masks are only self disillusionment.
If only we step back and see what others see when they look at us, instead of trying to see what we want.... But NOBODY wants the truth, it feels better in their tiny bubble world where they think they control their surroundings. But nothing could be farther from the truth, it's actually being out of control of their feelings, that are really controlling them.

CONGRATULATIONS !! You just hit a place of enlightenment !!! Reality came up and smacked you in the face !! Now the challenge is " WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT ?"

You have 2 choices.... 1 crawl back into your shell and pretend you know what you are doing still....

Or 2 Wake up and realize you have been lying to yourself, and start seeking the TRUTH.... And that is.....

Who are you really ??

Welcome to reality, and the first day of your new life !! You are in a Great place, admitting you are lost, means you can finally start looking for the right direction ! Instead of working your ass off to make others happy, by playing a role in a play.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm sorry. I'm still not seeing it.

 

[Alienated]

That's OK....

 

[Garbageman]

In general I think it is very difficult to hide being a loner, or shy, or loneliness. There are some people who are very good at it, but for most not so much.
Perhaps it is a good thing that you realized that people can see that in you despite your trying to hide it. It puts you in a position where it is even more difficult to hide from yourself. You need not be ashamed as it is a reality you face. There is not necessarily anything wrong with being a loner. And honestly I personally don't see a benefit to hiding such things. It really takes a lot of extra energy, and as you have found out it didn't seem to gain anything.

As far as what to do now, I would stop trying to hide yourself from others, it is one thing to protect yourself, but hiding your loneliness likely only adds to it and if there are things you don't like about yourself, focus your energy on changing the things you can change, and accepting those which you cannot.

Not sure if any of this helps, but thats all I got for now. Take care, and I hope you can find a way to have peace with yourself.

Oh, and that is a powerful cartoon,(thanks for posting it.) I do believe that to some degree most everyone wears some kind of mask at least in certain situations. But in reality wearing the mask is part of who the wearer is, I believe for most people that wearing masks is less about hiding yourself from others, and more about simply being uncomfortable in your own skin. Once again take care.

 

[Tiina63]

In one way I envy you if people can see the real you. Like you, I have put on a fake front for all my adult life and it is so effective that I am even lonelier inside. People are very surprised and even shocked when I say what I really think and feel.