NZguy
Member
Hi. I am posting this here aswell as in another section because it is relevant to relationships.
-a little background, I have real self esteem issues and no confidence, I lack any relationship experience. I have real personality issues. I have been having a good chat on PM with a member but though I would post my reply here too.
No my problems don't seem to come from anywhere, anyone or any one thing. As far as I can remember I have been self-conscious about everything. I am a nervous person. I like to be in control of myself so I don't drink alcohol in large quantities for the fear of losing control of what I do/say. Not that I am a violent person or anything, in fact I am quite placid. I only ever say things around strangers and friends that will make them happy. I never start or enter in arguments or say things to get them upset, I fear ridicule, anger and disappointment to me. I do not show my feelings for probably a combination of all three things you mention (1. You are totally comfortable with keeping your feelings to yourself. 2. You don't have someone to talk to. 3. You have people around you, but don't know how to/can't express yourself (due to fear)) but particularly because I feel my problems are not for someone else to worry or even care about. It's like why should anyone be concerned for what I feel. It is not important.... its only me after all- little old me who never changes and just trundles on, not unnoticed but no-one stops to give me a second thought.
My brother and his fiancé came for tea tonight and it was business as usual with my parents and them as couples enjoying themselves... here I am as normal by myself. I honestly don't feel like I will ever have someone care about me in a romantic way. Not for the fact I think I don’t deserve it but for the fact I can’t see anybody enjoying my company and valuing me enough in a relationship type capacity. I don’t know how to conduct myself around people in a romantic way. I could never kiss anybody in front of family because I hate attention and teasing. We (parents and brother+fiancé) are going out for tea at a restaurant tomorrow night and I am not looking forward to it. Again I will be in a room with all couples and sitting at a table like a third wheel. (or 5th wheel you could say). It is worse now I am older because all people will see is some early 20s loser hanging with his parents because he has no life. I am also making an effort to go out with 3 old school friends in a few days but they are all now flatting with their respective partners and I only pray they will not pry me for why I haven’t got a girlfriend.
I know the old saying rings true- “you cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t first love yourself”- but this is of little help to me. I do not love myself; I do not know how to love myself. I feel as if I have nothing to be loved for. Sure I am the cliché type man- honest and trustworthy and respectful but these do not balance the “bad” things out. I realise no one is perfect but I seem to be too far down the spectrum. So no I can’t say I am actively looking for a girlfriend because I don’t know how and don’t want to. I honestly can say that if I was told the perfect girl would knock at my door I would not be interested. I can’t offer her anything she would want or need- I know people will say “you don’t know what she wants” but this is partially untrue, even I know she would want someone to love her and care for her and be there for her but I can’t even offer her that. I will only ever be that friend, the guy who a girl could call her friend but never anything more. If a girl attempted to kiss me I would be so embarrassed and self-conscious I would just say sorry and move away. If she even went to hold my hand I would remove it and worry about who saw. I have nothing of substance to offer. And after all this Is assuming someone was interested in me, I am not attractive, I am not fit, I am not a standout personality and certainly NOT spontaneous. I have not and do not let anyone into my true self and its not as simple as just dropping my façade, it won’t happen.
I am so envious when watching people in movies or even in real life where a girlfriend/partner cares so much for them that they are genuinely upset by things they say or do. I feel my opinions or feelings could never be considered worthy of such emotion. I feel as if I could never be the person that someone cares for and thinks about above all else, I could never be that one special person. I am a nobody. I could never tell anybody about my feelings because a) I don’t have anybody to tell be it friend or partner and b) I could never speak so frankly to anyone. I can only say this here for knowing nobody knows me and because we don’t speak face to face.
-a little background, I have real self esteem issues and no confidence, I lack any relationship experience. I have real personality issues. I have been having a good chat on PM with a member but though I would post my reply here too.
No my problems don't seem to come from anywhere, anyone or any one thing. As far as I can remember I have been self-conscious about everything. I am a nervous person. I like to be in control of myself so I don't drink alcohol in large quantities for the fear of losing control of what I do/say. Not that I am a violent person or anything, in fact I am quite placid. I only ever say things around strangers and friends that will make them happy. I never start or enter in arguments or say things to get them upset, I fear ridicule, anger and disappointment to me. I do not show my feelings for probably a combination of all three things you mention (1. You are totally comfortable with keeping your feelings to yourself. 2. You don't have someone to talk to. 3. You have people around you, but don't know how to/can't express yourself (due to fear)) but particularly because I feel my problems are not for someone else to worry or even care about. It's like why should anyone be concerned for what I feel. It is not important.... its only me after all- little old me who never changes and just trundles on, not unnoticed but no-one stops to give me a second thought.
My brother and his fiancé came for tea tonight and it was business as usual with my parents and them as couples enjoying themselves... here I am as normal by myself. I honestly don't feel like I will ever have someone care about me in a romantic way. Not for the fact I think I don’t deserve it but for the fact I can’t see anybody enjoying my company and valuing me enough in a relationship type capacity. I don’t know how to conduct myself around people in a romantic way. I could never kiss anybody in front of family because I hate attention and teasing. We (parents and brother+fiancé) are going out for tea at a restaurant tomorrow night and I am not looking forward to it. Again I will be in a room with all couples and sitting at a table like a third wheel. (or 5th wheel you could say). It is worse now I am older because all people will see is some early 20s loser hanging with his parents because he has no life. I am also making an effort to go out with 3 old school friends in a few days but they are all now flatting with their respective partners and I only pray they will not pry me for why I haven’t got a girlfriend.
I know the old saying rings true- “you cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t first love yourself”- but this is of little help to me. I do not love myself; I do not know how to love myself. I feel as if I have nothing to be loved for. Sure I am the cliché type man- honest and trustworthy and respectful but these do not balance the “bad” things out. I realise no one is perfect but I seem to be too far down the spectrum. So no I can’t say I am actively looking for a girlfriend because I don’t know how and don’t want to. I honestly can say that if I was told the perfect girl would knock at my door I would not be interested. I can’t offer her anything she would want or need- I know people will say “you don’t know what she wants” but this is partially untrue, even I know she would want someone to love her and care for her and be there for her but I can’t even offer her that. I will only ever be that friend, the guy who a girl could call her friend but never anything more. If a girl attempted to kiss me I would be so embarrassed and self-conscious I would just say sorry and move away. If she even went to hold my hand I would remove it and worry about who saw. I have nothing of substance to offer. And after all this Is assuming someone was interested in me, I am not attractive, I am not fit, I am not a standout personality and certainly NOT spontaneous. I have not and do not let anyone into my true self and its not as simple as just dropping my façade, it won’t happen.
I am so envious when watching people in movies or even in real life where a girlfriend/partner cares so much for them that they are genuinely upset by things they say or do. I feel my opinions or feelings could never be considered worthy of such emotion. I feel as if I could never be the person that someone cares for and thinks about above all else, I could never be that one special person. I am a nobody. I could never tell anybody about my feelings because a) I don’t have anybody to tell be it friend or partner and b) I could never speak so frankly to anyone. I can only say this here for knowing nobody knows me and because we don’t speak face to face.