Unhelpful phrases said by people to try and make us feel better.

[CAS]

If I hear one of these god-awful phrases again I'm liable to break something.


"Wait until you meet the right person before you lose your virginity. I wish I had"

"The right one will come along when you least expect it"

"You're better off not having had any 'teenage relationships' as you're free from the pain that most people go through"

"You're not missing out on much not being in a relationship"


All of these phrases stink of hypocrisy and are said by people who are content with their lives to people like me in order to makes themselves feel as if they're doing me some sort of favour.

Uusally the people who say this kind of thing are smug, self-righteous and not in the least bit genuine.

 

[Coverage]

I know what your saying. I've heard those types of phrases hundreds of times. They are generic and not much help, but I dont hold anything against the people who use them. Even I'm guilty of using those comments towards other people.

I think that people who use those phrases are being genuine for the most part. They want to help and let you know they care, but they really aren't sure what to say so they pick something from the generic pool of "relationship advice".

What do you want these people to say? Its a two way street. People dont like to hear these same phrases over and over again, but those same people tend to get upset if no advice is given. I personally get very tired of the "Just be patient and you will find someone who likes you for who you are" line, but I dont get mad when people tell me this because I know that they dont know what else to say and thats understandable.

 

[Minus]

All of these phrases stink of hypocrasy and are said by people who are content with their lives to people like me in order to makes themselves feel as if they're doing me some sort of favour.

Uusally the people who say this kind of thing are smug, self-righteous and not in the least bit genuine.

I can't really agree with that. While it is of no help, i do believe that one of those paraphrases is accurate.

I would agree that it is people trying to offer encouragement when there is nothing more concrete to say. While it may get old, i don't see it as self serving hypocrisy. I know it is not always said by people who are content with their lives because i have used one of them. I had no illusion about it being any kind of favor.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

The following phrases are platitudes about dealing with rough times, not relationships, but I thought them worthy of mention:

"It's all a part of God's plan." - The subtext to this is that your wishes are meaningless and you ought to STFU about your troubles and accept it.

"God never gives us more than we can handle." - Also chastises us for our natural & perfectly healthy feelings of grief or frustrations when dealing with tough times.

I heard this a lot after my son died and if I hadn't been so shell-shocked with grief, I'd have said, "So does this mean that if I were a weaker person, unable to handle this loss, that my son would be alive? Because let me tell you, I'd much rather be a weaker person with a living son, than the strongest woman alive who has to visit her son in a graveyard."

 

[Coverage]

"God never gives us more than we can handle." - Also chastises us for our natural & perfectly healthy feelings of grief or frustrations when dealing with tough times.

I heard this a lot after my son died and if I hadn't been so shell-shocked with grief, I'd have said, "So does this mean that if I were a weaker person, unable to handle this loss, that my son would be alive? Because let me tell you, I'd much rather be a weaker person with a living son, than the strongest woman alive who has to visit her son in a graveyard."

I think the actual context of that phrase is concerning the fact that God will never allow a person to become tempted by sin beyond what is possible for that person to overcome.

In your situation its not meant to say that you should not grieve, but its offered as encouragment that a person can overcome and move on from whatever hardship they are facing. Even if you dont agree with the message its not meant to be a form of chastisement.

 

[Steel]

I don't agree that people who say such things are smug, self-righteous and not genuine. Ok, so perhaps they didn't think properly before opening their mouths, but they are TRYING. (Some would say very...lol)

It's part of the human condition that we want to be able to say a few words and take someone's hurt away. Of course, if it's something that we are undergoing genuine pain over, it won't work - but the motive, I believe, is genuine.

 

[Twitchy]

When I'm depressed, many of the things people say to me sound like bullshit. That doesn't mean they are.

I only have a finite selection of things to say to people when trying to cheer them up. If I talk long enough, I just end up repeating myself.

But what else can we do? Keeping your mouth shut or saying "Yeah, your life sucks ass." isn't very helpful either. :/

 

[SophiaGrace]

ok cas. no more advice. I get it. *shrug*

Go ahead and bristle at other people's attempts to try and allieviate your pain.

---

The following phrases are platitudes about dealing with rough times, not relationships, but I thought them worthy of mention:

"It's all a part of God's plan." - The subtext to this is that your wishes are meaningless and you ought to STFU about your troubles and accept it.

no. It doesnt mean that. Let me rephrase it for you. If I were to say that to you i'd mean "you can get through this."

Not that your wishes are meaningless and that you ought to shut up. Its the way some people try to make sense out of senseless things. Chaos into some sort of order.

 

[Spare]

If I hear one of these god-awful phrases again I'm liable to break something.


"Wait until you meet the right person before you lose your virginity. I wish I had"

"The right one will come along when you least expect it"

"You're better off not having had any 'teenage relationships' as you're free from the pain that most people go through"

"You're not missing out on much not being in a relationship"

It can be safely said that all of these phrases fall under the "cliche" category.

The thing about cliches is, they are often true. Or at the very least they are rooted in the truth.

In the future, when someone utters such phrases to you, instead of breaking something, I would recommend thinking long and hard about what they said. Maybe ask them (POLITELY) what their basis for making such a statement is. You may be surprised to find that they base such statements not on the fact that they are cliches, but on their own past experiences, experiences that have proven such cliches true, at least in their minds. Two of the above quotes I have learned to be absolutely true through first-hand experiences of my own; The right one really CAN come along when you least expect it, and losing your virginity to the right person really DOES make it worth the wait.

It took me twenty-eight years to discover these TRUTHS, and now that I have, I wouldn't change a single thing about how my life has thus far played out. Hopefully someday you will have similar revelations, and learn not to begrudge people who are just trying to help.

Good luck!

 

[Minus]

I heard this a lot after my son died and if I hadn't been so shell-shocked with grief, I'd have said, "So does this mean that if I were a weaker person, unable to handle this loss, that my son would be alive?

Would you have? The one i had the hardest time with was when i was told "The bible says you are suppose to mourn a birth and celebrate a death".

Oh, my mistake. I am suppose to be happy about it.
Still i realized that their intent was good, if not the act.

For anyone who may be keeping track, i too doubt that it actually says that. Still it was what i was told.

 

[CAS]

Whether it's said with good intentions or not, I still find it very hard to take those kind of cliches seriously.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

"God never gives us more than we can handle." - Also chastises us for our natural & perfectly healthy feelings of grief or frustrations when dealing with tough times.

I heard this a lot after my son died and if I hadn't been so shell-shocked with grief, I'd have said, "So does this mean that if I were a weaker person, unable to handle this loss, that my son would be alive? Because let me tell you, I'd much rather be a weaker person with a living son, than the strongest woman alive who has to visit her son in a graveyard."

I think the actual context of that phrase is concerning the fact that God will never allow a person to become tempted by sin beyond what is possible for that person to overcome.

In your situation its not meant to say that you should not grieve, but its offered as encouragment that a person can overcome and move on from whatever hardship they are facing. Even if you dont agree with the message its not meant to be a form of chastisement.

No, trust me. People said it to me to let me know that I should not waste my time with grieving; rather, I should GIVE THANKS TO GOD for challenging me.

---

ok cas. no more advice. I get it. *shrug*

Go ahead and bristle at other people's attempts to try and allieviate your pain.

---

The following phrases are platitudes about dealing with rough times, not relationships, but I thought them worthy of mention:

"It's all a part of God's plan." - The subtext to this is that your wishes are meaningless and you ought to STFU about your troubles and accept it.

no. It doesnt mean that. Let me rephrase it for you. If I were to say that to you i'd mean "you can get through this."

Not that your wishes are meaningless and that you ought to shut up. Its the way some people try to make sense out of senseless things. Chaos into some sort of order.

---

Perhaps, but there are some things which are so senseless, that there is no making order of them.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you know someone who has suffered a terribly, unfathomable loss, don't just assume that religious platitudes like that are going to be accepted as comfort.

---

Would you have? The one i had the hardest time with was when i was told "The bible says you are suppose to mourn a birth and celebrate a death".

I have said it recently, but I get very angry when I hear people spout off religious nonsense to console people - strangers, even - without knowing their beliefs, and I really don't give a **** if their intentions ARE good. You can sweep a lot of offensive honeysuckle under the carpet under the aegis of "good intentions."

Note: I am not yelling at you, but this issue gets me upset. You wouldn't believe the things people said to me in the guise of consolation. Honestly, people need to stick to "I am so sorry for your loss." and leave it at that.

 

[CAS]

I agree with Cheaptrickfan. Trying to justify any death by spouting religious bullshit is beyond despicable. Especially when said to a grieving relative.

 

[Badjedidude]

In my experience, God has very little to do with death. It's not God who takes away a loved one and it's not God who saves a loved one. honeysuckle happens, it's as simple as that. This is a world of billions of organisms all striving against each other to live in the same space...and sometimes certain organisms get trampled, killed, forgotten, maimed, etc.

Do you really think that God is up there, watching us all, continually putting obstacles in our way and causing pain to test us and make us stronger? I don't think so...it seems too cold-hearted, because more often than not, people end up being crushed by those obstacles. Would God put harm in someone's life if He even suspected that the person would be destroyed by it?....That just doesn't sound like a loving, Christian God to me, even if it is done for possible character building purposes. The gain just doesn't seem worth the risk and trouble of it all.

In the Bible story of Job--yeah, he is tested and passes, and ends up with more wealth and crap in the end, but....that doesn't magically heal the wounds caused by his kids and servants dying, and everything tragic happening to him, does it? To me the extra gain just doesn't seem worth the pain he suffered in the story.

I think death is just something that happens due to circumstance and accident, depending upon the situation. I don't think God causes death/pain or plans for it to be in anyone's life. All that we can do, religious or not, is understand that everyone dies...and learn to square with it in our own time and in our own way.

ALRIGHT: Here's another useless phrase that I've heard a time or two: "Just be patient. Give it time." Haha, right...just be patient. It's sooooooo easy, huh?

----Steve

 

[Silvernight]

Ok, my personal favourite (sarcasm): 'Others have it worse than you do'.

I don't understand why say something like that at all, it does absolutely nothing to make a person feel better, instead sending one on a guilt trip. While I believe that some of the other cliche phrases are often said because people want to say something comforting but can't come up with anything new and more helpful, this one is just outright mean. Even the logical reasoning here is totally screwed: how the hell is it supposed to make me feel better thinking that someone else has it worse? I mean, basically, I should compare myself to those other people and suddenly become happy that someone feels worse. WTF.

'There is someone for everyone'. This one isn't so bad and normally said with good intentions, just a bit pointless. While this is technically true, and with six billion people in the world it's bound to be, we only meet a minuscule fraction of those people during our life, and the chances of meeting the right person are not always so bright for some people, in particular, those who are more or less socially challenged.

'God never gives us more than we can handle'. Right, so this one is total bullcrap right there, not to mention really insensitive. Saying something like that to someone who's just lost their loved one or, e.g. is seriously disabled, just makes you wanna strangle this oh so helpful quasireligious dude. Anyway, it's very easy to disprove. What's that with the inordinate amount of suicides and depressions all over the world if we really don't get more that we can handle? For that matter, I don't believe God really gets out of his way to make us miserable, there is another explanation for this.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

What's that with the inordinate amount of suicides and depressions all over the world if we really don't get more that we can handle?

When I put just that issue before the person who gave me the whole "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" line, she retorted that those who "give up" by resorting to suicide have given in to despair, a great offense against God, and also -get this - arrogance in thinking that their will was stronger than God's. She topped that off with the observation that for all of these reasons, it was right for suicides to go to Hell.

Not an ounce of that famous Christian compassion for people who were obviously in emotional torment.

I fully admit that I'm bitter. Losing my son killed off any religious faith I had ever had. I don't begrudge people their beliefs, but I damned-sure don't want them forced upon me.

 

[Silvernight]

What's that with the inordinate amount of suicides and depressions all over the world if we really don't get more that we can handle?

When I put just that issue before the person who gave me the whole "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" line, she retorted that those who "give up" by resorting to suicide have given into despair, a great offense against God, and also -get this - arrogance in thinking that their will was stronger than God's. She topped that off with the observation that for all of these reasons, it was right for suicides to go to Hell.

Not an ounce of that famous Christian compassion for people who were obviously in emotional torment.

Uh-huh. That is called religious hypocrisy. I'm so happy I have not had any acquaintances like that. This blind self-righteousness is just sick. Bad stuff happens, I just don't really think that this is specifically God's doing. It would serve no positive loving purpose to cripple someone emotionally and/or physically so that recovery is near impossible. Although it certainly does make you want to blame some higher power for what happened to you.
Oh, yeah, there's another one which ties into this theme very well: 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger'. It's somewhat ambiguous, true in some cases but not in others. I reckon only what does not leave lasting negative consequences can make us stronger.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Although it certainly does make you want to blame some higher power for what happened to you.

It does, because the alternative is accepting the fact that things happen to us chaotically and for no good reason. That is much scarier than having the idea of some omnipotent deity holding the cards or even some vast karmic wheel turning and keeping things balanced out.

The truth is that sometimes good people suffer through no fault of their own, and bad people prosper.

Oh, yeah, there's another one which ties into this theme very well: 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger'. It's somewhat ambiguous, true in some cases but not in others. I reckon only what does not leave lasting negative consequences can make us stronger.

I'd give anything not to be this strong if it meant I got a second chance at having my child.

People don't really realize how the things they spout off sound to people who've gone through these things. I don't think that a single person who tried to comfort me meant harm. Not at all. Nevertheless, the casual words do hurt.

 

[Twitchy]

I'd give anything not to be this strong if it meant I got a second chance at having my child.

((cheaptrickfan))

 

[Minus]

... I don't begrudge people their beliefs, but I damned-sure don't want them forced upon me.

It seems that you ran across a different breed then i did. The ones i dealt with had no real faith or beliefs but resorted to such comment apparently out of a lack of anything else to say. Yes it still hurt when you are told that you are suppose to be rejoicing.