Where the thistles grow in my heart

[Dandelion Girl]

Hi... so I guess this is where I spit it all out?

...here we go.

Truth to be told, I'm not a super lonely person. I have good friends, a somewhat okay family, and a good community in which I live in. But I just feel a bit of distance from some people because I cannot spit out what really manifests inside... I create that distance also because I don't want to say anything about me deep inside to create bonds.

You see, I'm a Christian girl. I believed in G-d since I was about five.. was able to hear what angels and demons say to me... saw my deceased grandfather's spirit since I was six...? I wasn't from a Christian family back then, and no one ever told me about G-d or religion or anything like that. But I still believed.

I'm not crazy, or schizophrenic, that I know for sure. I get along with my friends just fine (but I feel like I'm writing this all down like a crazy person, lol).

Anyway, I have suffered from depression before. It went on about for six or seven years... took me a long time to recover. My family was dysfunctional (and still is somewhat). I was able to forgive my dad who abused me emotionally and sometimes physically, but I'm still somewhat distant from him. He annoys me at times, but I try my best to be in okay terms with him. It's still a little hard... It's not all sunshine and lollipops with my mom too, but I get along with her better than dad.

So through it all, my faith however, still isn't all that strong. I mean, sure, I do believe in G-d. I love G-d. But I'm not a strong follower. Ever since my depression, my whole spirit was left demolished, but I recovered around this year. I don't feel all too depressed like I used to. Before, I wanted to do nothing... just lie down all day on the floor, wishing to disappear, wanting to die. I tried to even suicide a couple of times. My grades slipped... I used to be a really bright child. Adults around me used to think that I would become a doctor, a lawyer, or some kind of a professor, but no, I'm none of those things right now. However, by listening to the positive Words from the Bible, by making friends who actually cared about me for the first time, and through the love of Jesus Christ from my community, I was able to recover significantly. Sometimes, I have my ups and downs... Sometimes, I'm strong in my faith and I cling to G-d... and right now, I'm pretty much down again. Well, not depressed at the moment, but I'm not praying too much like before... I guess this whole thing's kind of irrelevant.

Another reason why I'm feeling kind of distant from everyone is because... I kind of knew this before, but I think I like girls. Well, I do like guys for sure. I always liked guys, but since from a very young age, I kind of liked my best friend a little more than I should. I kissed her one day on the lips and I felt alright with it. But she pushed me away because it felt weird to her. Me, I just wanted to go on a bit more but pretended that it was gross only because she thought so, lol. I've also had a few crushes on girls before too... not much on guys. But it was only from my school, so... :/

I think girls are really pretty.. I mean, it sounds really horrid, but I do love everything about girls... they're beautiful. Well, I guess I'm just speaking from my fantasies...

I feel like I put on masks at times. At church I'm super happy because I am. I love my church and the people who go there. But I'm not really sweet and bubbly as everyone thinks I am. Usually I laugh and giggle a lot at church because we all tell funny jokes and stories, and it's a really great and loving environment to be at. But I'm also the kind of girl who likes to swear, drink, and listen to rock while driving around late at night. I'd rather be sort of 'messy' than squeaky clean and helpful all the time. But everyone usually thinks of me as this innocent, sweet girl, and I don't mind... but I know that's not me. I'm definitely not innocent.


For me, it sounds really selfish and greedy, but I wish that for once, I was the kind of girl who could do the things she want: Have a secret girlfriend that she could live with; be free and travel around anywhere; drive a motorcycle; not be restrained by expectations or the small portion of an image that people see in her; swear any time she wants; not be restrained by what she needs to do at this point; have sex...

I'm cringing as I write this. I've just ruined the image of Christianity from writing this... I've confessed this to G-d many times before, trust me. He knows for sure, but for a long time I was wishing for someone to listen to this small voice of mine, I guess. If I do open up to someone, they usually shrug me off or laugh, or do whatever they feel like... So I don't open up to anyone. I just laugh. I just put on my 'political face' and do what I can to manage my life and mold my image as this good girl.

And no, I don't really want to be away from G-d. Like I said, I love Him... And He was the reason why I was able to get out from my dark past. I guess I'm just too greedy, huh?

 

[IgnoredOne]

A valid question would be - why do you think that God wishes you to be anything than who you really are? So as long as you are not self-destructive and bring good to others and yourself, how does that offend Him?

There are answers to everything, of course. And often, more than one. Its how we reach them, and how valid they are to us that matter.

 

[Dandelion Girl]

A valid question would be - why do you think that God wishes you to be anything than who you really are? So as long as you are not self-destructive and bring good to others and yourself, how does that offend Him? Women are also appear to be biologically more prone to bisexuality(Diamond, 2004 study), so would that what be indicative of?

I've learned that sometimes, you have to go against your comfort zone to meet God. And sometimes, statistics, studies... they don't matter. It's where I stand that counts.

Yeah, it sounds weird. And from what I've wrote, I sound pretty selfish and confusing at this moment. Because yes, I do want to live in the moment and do what I want. But God also has better plans for me than just wallowing in my sexuality...

Like I said, weird, right? But I really just needed a place to share all this. Everyone has problems, and here's a bit of mine... a bit grey and mix of unresolved thoughts.


That doesn't mean that I'm not happy with who I am. Frankly told, I've been struggling with my attraction to girls for a while, and I still don't have anyone in person to share this with, but I'm actually... happy. Happy that I'm able to appreciate girls because they're beautiful. Happy that it's not a given rule for me to just marry a guy. I'm pretty sure that even if I do stay single forever (lol), I'll be happy still. There are still a lot of things to look for in this big, wide world. I can appreciate God in so many different forms. I've just grew to understand God a little more than before, so I'm happy. I don't have to question things in anger, but I can just think, 'Oh, yeah this can happen in this world.' I can ask God anytime, and He'll give me answers in various ways. I mean, I am still impatient in many ways (my post above indicates it), and I do want answers quickly, but it's the appreciation of the journey that counts. That makes my life more valuable.


God's been pretty good to me. The way He sees is quite different from what the world sees. Even though people may think that His ways are not so beneficial in their life, there's a lot of good things to look forward to with God. I want to be optimistic because that's what God wants me to be.

I guess this is how I chose my life. Or maybe it's the way God wants me to be. I honestly don't know everything for sure. But it's a fun journey along the way, and I know for sure that I can wait and don't have to be impatient in getting all the answers.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I've learned that sometimes, you have to go against your comfort zone to meet God. And sometimes, statistics, studies... they don't matter. It's where I stand that counts.

I like Science! because it gives me ray guns and robobrains.

You seem to have your answers already well emplaced in your convictions, in which case, I wish you ever happiness along your journey.

 

[Dandelion Girl]

I've learned that sometimes, you have to go against your comfort zone to meet God. And sometimes, statistics, studies... they don't matter. It's where I stand that counts.

I like Science! because it gives me ray guns and robobrains.

You seem to have your answers already well emplaced in your convictions, in which case, I wish you ever happiness along your journey.

Well I didn't say that I don't like science.... I just said that statistics and studies are not everything in life. But thank you for your kind words and consideration.

 

[Badjedidude]

I'll be honest. I'm into being direct and honest. So...

...why don't you cut to the quick here, Dandelion Girl?

What, exactly, is troubling you?

Your beliefs? Your possible interest in women?

Spell it out for me like I'm the slow kid in class.