I think I was too isolated as a kid. Nobody was helping me become social, every time I'd make a friend they'd leave, and all my guidance came negatively in the form of what not to do. I used my imagination a lot, those ideas became reflective, I never had the "normal" or "abnormal" adolescent experiences. I didn't have all my options laid out, I didn't know how much I could do for myself, I didn't know how to find things that mirror who I am without them defining me. I'm good at talking to people, even if the same attributes that people respect when we talk end up turning them away from me, I just forget how to every now and then. So, I guess, I'm dependent on myself being alone because that's how its always been. Which is contradictory to everything I want and know I can achieve in my life. I taught myself how to initiate conversation, how to make small talk, how to express myself and be an individual.
This honeysuckle is so serious to me that I don't care about it anymore.
All I can do is leave it behind me but that's impossible if there's nobody here for me because on my own I'll never be whole. There are a couple 'friends' I've made, in short supply mind you, but no compatibility or attraction and there's no way I could ever talk to them about this stuff. It's easier to be alone too, I have drive on my good days, but I need someone to give and take. I can be fine on my own, good even, but I don't get to use aspects of me that make me feel truly happy and that contrast weighs me down. In a lot of ways only these past four or five years can be considered my life and that was me just getting to this point and becoming an individual. Everything before was just wasted time and I hardly think about it. Despite everything I can't imagine finding someone who's interested in me. It changed my life when I found one person who was amazing and those situations I helped make special and rememberable are already only fond memories. I'm afraid the likelihood of something new could be sparse or might never happen. I've been single since July 2011 and I haven't been on a date since. And I'm not super unattractive or unapproachable.