Why do you think it's difficult to make friends?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Because everyone is different, and I suppose people have a hard time falling into friendships with one another?

Aside from stating the obvious, some people just have a hard time opening up. And it's not guaranteed that if someone is your friend, that they will remain your friend. Some people just fall out of friendship.

 

[Revengineer]

For me, I've grown up accustomed to spending time by myself so letting others into my life can be a mental challenge. We all have our comfort zone, and for some of us loneliness is that comfort.

 

[Mike413]

Here's my theory. This mainly applies to those over the age of 25 though.

When you are older most people are settled with their friends. They are also settled with other areas of their life such as work, family, marriage and friends.

Once they are out of college they don't really have time to make new friends and they certainly don't want to put the effort into it therefore they just fall back on who they were friends with in high school and college. By the time they are in college even most people just hang out with the same group of friends they had in high school and for the most part this trend continues for the rest of their life(for example my brother's best friend is a guy he knew from high school and he doesn't have many close friends other than him). People are either just too busy, too self absorbed or don't want to put in the investment(and risk involved)of making new friends. Once people get to a certain age they just don't want to go out of their way to make new friends and who can blame them(especially if they already have a clique or core group they already hang out with). This is my theory anyway and I think it explains a lot.

 

[breadbasket]

Because to me, you gotta shoot' em in the head.

 

[Jéssica Soares]

I don't have problems to make friends... in fact, I make friends with reasonable ease.
(So you probably don't get why I'm in this forum... well, I have another kind of problem xD)
So, if you want my personal opinion based on my experience, the secret resides in your (good) vibes.
You can call me nuts, but I'm very (very) linked to personal energy, if you know what I mean. The lack of self-esteem and associated problems, it transmits bad energy through all your pores no matter how you are a good person or how big is your heart, how good are you're intentions. So you have to love yourself to be loved by others and this is the irrevocable fact that everyone choose to ignore. You have to look into a mirror and you have to like what you see (and I'm not talking only about the physical because, believe me, I'm not that pretty and still I love myself).
If you do this, no matter how difficult may be, you'll notice the difference. Don't expect to be a social beast, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about having friends because that's what this topic is all about, I guess. Don't expect to be loved by everyone because even those who seem like they are loved by everyone... guess what, they don't.
I know how it sounds cliche, but it's the truth. You know I like to make friends and I don't like to discriminate, but sometimes... some people don't give me a chance because they don't give a chance to themselves. You see, everyone likes people with self-love, with sense of humor (genuine sense of humor), people who transmit safety... and you only can be like that if you love yourself. You know, it's like... you can't be a good listener if all you want is to be heard.
Maybe this is a bit confused but I hope you guys understand what I mean
Sometimes is difficult for me to explain my point of view in english, I talk way too much xD

 

[Masque]

For me, I've grown up accustomed to spending time by myself so letting others into my life can be a mental challenge. We all have our comfort zone, and for some of us loneliness is that comfort.

I'm not always sure if it's me or the fact that our social needs are too different, but this may be a part of it, too.

 

[Case]

Things that make it harder to make friends:

1. Fear
2. Fear
3. Fear
4. Fear
5. Fear
6 thru 100. Fear

Fear of being "the new guy," fear of being harmed, fear of a new environment, fear of a different culture, fear of not being accepted, fear of past failures translating into constant failures, etc.

Those who are able to overcome their fears find it easier to make long-lasting friends.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

I run away from people, even if they want to be friends with me. I'm afraid of being suffocated. I'm afraid of being dominated.

 

[OddlyUnique]

I'm somewhat along the lines of Sarah. Except for I just happen to run because I've always expected people to come and go out of my life. So I would get scared of the attachment and caring too much. I'm good with making short term friends though. Real good

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I believe people are just scared of being betrayed or getting too close to people. Everyone has different reasons. It's especially hard to try to trust people even, cause you never know what their intentions are.

Most of my friends I've known for quite awhile or grew up with them. I try to find new friends, but sometimes it can be hard cause I feel like people don't seem to understand me or I'm scared of being hurt by them.

 

[Oldyoung]

I'm just afraid I'd be too boring. No interesting skills (for social settings anyway), plus lacking in life experience (not having much to tell). And if people get close to me, they will realize it and lose respect for me. But after all, I'd rather stay 'alone' but respected, opposed to having friends and being picked on all the time. I end up pushing people away, or at least make myself very inaccessible.

Maybe the root of the problem is that I'm too sensitive.

 

[Peaches]

I get so nervous that I start saying the worst things, like the other day I said to someone I just met who is going through a depression that his avatar was really negative (in fact it was an icon of something completely unrelated, although black and gothic). I am still "doh!-ing" about it.

 

[QuietForte]

Well hey guys, this is my first post outside of the "new members" section, so here goes nothing!

I'm just afraid I'd be too boring. No interesting skills (for social settings anyway), plus lacking in life experience (not having much to tell). And if people get close to me, they will realize it and lose respect for me. But after all, I'd rather stay 'alone' but respected, opposed to having friends and being picked on all the time. I end up pushing people away, or at least make myself very inaccessible.

Maybe the root of the problem is that I'm too sensitive.

I know that feeling very well. I oftentimes see myself as an extraordinarily boring person. I don't go outside much, I just sit in my house and play video games and watch anime and read. A lot of times I just think that no one could possibly find any reason to talk to me, and when people do, I always think it's just because they feel sorry for me and want to be nice. I think that most people feel that way to some degree, some more so than others.

I think that we feel we have "no interesting skills" as you said because we ourselves do not innately find ourselves interesting. I think we need to try to think about how we think about other people. I know often times I will genuinely be intrigued by a skill or a hobby someone has, and when I tell them such, they'll instantly come back with an "Oh, it's nothing" or "It's actually pretty boring," but I don't think so at all! So maybe we need to try to look at ourselves as we look at other people, in a way. I hope that made sense.

I get so nervous that I start saying the worst things, like the other day I said to someone I just met who is going through a depression that his avatar was really negative (in fact it was an icon of something completely unrelated, although black and gothic). I am still "doh!-ing" about it.

I also feel you with this. I often times get panic attacks in social situations, especially when I'm trying to talk to someone about something more serious, such as, well, like you said, depression. From my experience, though, most people don't even realize the faux pas that you think you made, so I try (try is the key word, I still do) not to worry about stuff like that too much. Even on the off chance you did make a faux pas, most people are extremely forgiving with stuff like that, because I think people can generally realize that your intentions were in the right place, and I think that's what matters the most.

 

[Waffle]

The most common problem I have is having nothing in common with people that I get in contact with. As soon as a person starts talking about how last night she went out and got drunk I zone out, as soon as a person starts talking about cutting hair and dying it into purple I zone out, as soon as a person starts talking about babies I zone out, as soon as a person starts talking about 67 games he finished in last two months I zone out.

The common interests is honestly my biggest issue as I don't feel its fair to bother them with my interests that they don't understand or care for and at the same time I feel no passion to be excited about theirs.

I have stumbled on few very rare cases in my life and hold those few people very close. The kind of person who seems to be just genuinely interested in you no matter what you do and if they don't understand they ask for you to explain to them so they can be more a part of your world. It is a wonderful virtue that I don't have. I greatly admire those who do (my best friend is one of those people).

 

[Cucuboth]

I think everyone has different reasons as to why they find it difficult to make friends. I'm very shy, and while this sometimes comes across as being arrogant, and even that I don't trust people, actually, I feel that I trust people too easily. I get my hopes up, and invariably get hurt. But I also feel like I'm intruding on people's lives. Even if we have similar, or the same, interests, it's the different life experiences that feel like they form a huge gulf. Most people are in relationships, or at least, they have friends. So they talk about where they have gone with their friends or their partner. Where they went to dinner, what movie they went to see, where they are going for their next holiday or weekend away. In fact, listening to people, it seems a lot of time is spent bitching about friends or partners! And being 37, most people around my age are married, or in long-term relationships, and they have children, bills to pay, maybe even a mortgage. I don't have any of that (except the bills). If they want new friends, they want friends who are in similar situations to them. With the same stresses, the same amount of free time, the same life experiences. They don't want to be friends with a friendless late 30's single virgin.

 

[QuietForte]

The most common problem I have is having nothing in common with people that I get in contact with. As soon as a person starts talking about how last night she went out and got drunk I zone out, as soon as a person starts talking about cutting hair and dying it into purple I zone out, as soon as a person starts talking about babies I zone out, as soon as a person starts talking about 67 games he finished in last two months I zone out.

The common interests is honestly my biggest issue as I don't feel its fair to bother them with my interests that they don't understand or care for and at the same time I feel no passion to be excited about theirs.

I have stumbled on few very rare cases in my life and hold those few people very close. The kind of person who seems to be just genuinely interested in you no matter what you do and if they don't understand they ask for you to explain to them so they can be more a part of your world. It is a wonderful virtue that I don't have. I greatly admire those who do (my best friend is one of those people).

I definitely understand where you're coming from with that. I mean, I feel bad for not being more open minded about other peoples' interests, but it's really hard for me to get interested in most things, and if someone is trying to tell me about something and I'm obviously not interested, most people get kind of offended. I don't mean to be offensive, I guess it just comes across that way. Maybe I just need to learn how to act, hahaha.

Cucuboth:
I also understand entirely where you are coming from with this. Hey, we can both chill out in the singles clubhouse together, man, haha. When I meet new friends I get extremely, extremely attached to them. Now, sometimes this works out - I've made some of my closest friends in this manner. However, many people drift away from me or are creeped out by how...clingy? I get and disappear, and it leaves me wanting to withdraw from everything for quite some time. Will I ever change? Probably not, because I have met a lot of great people, and it's just an aspect of my personality. It's extremely hard when it doesn't work out the way I intended it to though, and I feel as if I speed on the thing I'm trying to prevent through the act of trying to prevent it.

 

[Locke]

Lately I feel like I'm different from other people. Actually I've felt like that for a few years, but now that I'm making an effort to get to know others, I feel that difference even more. I don't feel accepted. A few people today outright ignored me. I'm not sure people like those who are different. I'm trying to find a way to fit in, but I can't, not even a little.

Others tell me to just be patient, sooner or later I'll meet someone who likes me for who I am. I've even given that same sad advice lately. I guess it'll be later, because it sure as hell isn't happening now.

Don't mind me, I'm just ranting. I've even said this same thing before in another thread. I should probably just shut up about it. Just consider it another reason why I find it difficult to make friends.

 

[Calabi-Yau]

I’ve learned that body language, voice pitch and eye contact are really important to make friends. Some brain areas (superior temporal sulcus, medial prefrontal cortex, midline cortical structures) are related to how people you talk to react. Voice pitch is important because it shows how much you are interested in the conversation. Eye contact is essential because it confirms your attention and self-confidence. Not everybody is gifted with great social skills; it depends on how your brain has developed. Another example: the temporal pole and amygdala are involved in emotions and judgments. Emotions are important because it gives a more human contact with the other person. Also, judgments allow us to be more careful on what we say and how we say it. But it is still possible to improve our social skills. Beside body language, it is important to find a topic that will interest the other person and it is easier to meet people with similar hobbies... Sorry if I sound boring.

 

[blackdot]

For me it's:
1.) I'm shy.
2.) I don't drink alcohol.
3.) I don't understand the methods people communicate these days.

 

[rayeo]

Me too! ^^^ I'm shy which is one reason why most people don't want to talk to me.

But mainly I don't put effort, lol. Some days I feel crummy about it. I get tired of people very easily or so I believe and then I never talk to them for a month until I am lonely again but then they give up on me. Which is fault. I wish I could change this but I don't know why I do it.

Or it could be my appearance or that I'm boring.