Will my scars hold me back?

[stumble]

I know this is a sensitive issue and I hope its ok to post this and talk about these things.

It really worries me though.

I was a pretty heavy self harmer in my teens and early twenties and as a result I have been left with a lot of scars. They completely cover both my forearms and I also have some on my shoulders and a large one on my thigh. They cannot be explained away by any other reason than they are self inflicted. There are just too many and some are faint words.

I have lived with them for so long now that I hardly notice them, thats just how I'm used to looking. My family know and so I make very little effort to cover them. I think I forget that to a lot of people they must look quite horrific and shocking. I almost like to be reminded of that fact once in a while because it brings it home just what I did to myself. I have to live with what I did and I can. I by no means wear them with pride but I also do not wear them with shame.

I guess my question is will they disgust or put off possible boyfriends? Or attract the wrong sort?

I've had people tell me they are sexy, which is weird to me but I'd also hate someone to hate them. I guess what I hope for the most is just someone who could just except them as part of me without attaching some fetish to them.

I never worried about this as much until a few months ago. I met a guy online. Not a dating site but online. We spoke for months, we got on well. I thought. He knew about my self harm and had seen pictures of me. When we met he did seem a little bothered by them "in the flesh". I was worried. Sure enough after only a week of "real life" contact things went sour and he mentioned my self harm as a reason as to why things weren't going to work out. We don't speak now. Personally I think he was just a idiot and used it as an excuse but it got me thinking.

Is it always going to be a problem?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No....it wont....

Someone I love very much has lot
of scars all over her body from cutting.
It look likes her arm had been slashed by barb wires....

The scars itself dosnt bother me...its when she gose burzark and wanna cut
herself again..That freaks me out
more than anything.

Sometimes all just kiss her scars.
Theres certain scars she has or she cutted herself becuase its has something to with me....
I dont mention them...only if she wants to talk about it.
Just lots of emotional pains between us.

Ive never got into that.
I do understand a little bit...sometimes
I get into self mutilations or self sabatage behaviors...I just go about
it in a different way.

 

[stumble]

I think if anything that was the issue with the guy I mentioned. He'd had an ex that had used her self harm against him and tried to manipulate him with it. I think he just assumed I'd do the same. Which isn't fair. As I hadn't cut for some years and never once even mentioned wanting to. Plus if he had such an issue with it he could have just stayed away from me as he'd have seen my scars before we even started talking.

To be honest though I don't know what happened with him and whether the stories of the ex's are even true its just what got me thinking really.

Its a difficult balance. Because if you self harm sometimes it going to be over how someone makes you feel. I tend not to tell the person but in anger I may have done this in the past which I'm ashamed about.

Most people will take "I want to cut" to be a threat or power or manipulation but sometimes it can just be because you want help and someone to understand. I know thats not really healthy in a relationship though.

As I said I'm a lapsed self harmer (I'd never say ex because its always there somewhere) so really the issue here though is with my scars and not someone having to deal with me cutting.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Even though I dont cut physically...
For me perosnally...Ill go into self destructive mode.
Not so much becuase I want attention..
Its more of a numbing out or a destraction mixed with lots of unresolve
amger, pains, guilt..etc A feeling of I dont have control over anything or my life. So when I go into self destructive mode..as unhealthy as it is...I feel Im in control of it...I hope that makes sense.

My gf..ex...finace.( whatever status she is)... say its kind of like the samething for her. The phsycical pains she feels from cutting mask the emotional pains she feels...Lots of guilt...becuase she loves me very much and donst really want to hurt me. But she dose things
to sabatage our relationship..cuase shes still kind of angery at me.
Thats what she tells me...she dosnt want to do that anymore to hurt me or cut herself anymore.
Then a couple of weeks later. She kinda messed up..so she went crazy and fell back into her old behaviors..and wanting to cut her really bad. I stopped her from doing that

---

Then 15 mins later...she went crazy on me.. Like very combative. She started hitting me really bad..gave me a black eye..leting whatevre anger she had towards me out.

I hurted her really bad in the past.
I left her high and dried. She scream
N cied her heart out N beg me not to leave becuase she love me very much.

But before that...adults in our lives
sepaerated us too...She snapped..
I snapped. No matter how much
we love each other..we didnt have a say so....NO CONTROL

Even though I dont have phusical scars..
I have a reputation of living a very on the dege of dystructions life style.

Yeah sometimes people look at me with that look..like Im totally nutz or out of control..

---

Im actually going through alot of this at the moment...
Theres alot that happenied recently and the things that are happening how.
I feel no matter how much I try to make things work or set things right...its still all messed up. I dont everything that had been asked of me ..of what a normal regular person would do...
I can take the exact same actions..but itll still turn out messed up for me...

I feel my life is so...so out of my control.
All those messed up feeling...I feel todau and have been feeling for a while.

I try not to react to those feelings.. But I feel like crawing out of fucken skin...on edge..or I just wanna go fresia honeysuckle up.

The actaul. I dont give a fresia..font give a fresia anymore...

 

[SophiaGrace]

I have a lot of scars too. Some self inflicted, some not.

I have a lot of scars on my forehead because I pick at it so much. That's self inflicted, but not because I want to self harm. I have scars on my upper arms and back from that as well.

I also have numerous surgical scars. One spans the front of my neck horizontally and vertically from a tracheotomy surgery and a revision of my trache site. Two under my breasts from a reconstructive surgery to my jaw in which they harvested ribs for. A scar on my stomache from a double hernia surgery. One on my sternum from a back surgery. A scar. On my back from a major back surgery which starts at the base of my neck and goes down to my hips. Two below my earlobes from the reconstructive surgery.

Sorry if that was tmi. I was just trying to say that scars don't bother me since I have so many myself.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I've got a big scar horizontally right across my stomach area. Not particularly attractive for a male I'm guessing. At least that's what I assume, no woman has seen it to comment!

I got it from an operation I had to have done as a kid.

Anyway, I'd say no, it won't hold you back. Any man worth having about isn't going to care about some scarring. If I were a potential partner, I'd be more worried that you'd got past inflicting those kinds of wounds, more out of concern than anything.

I have this friend who worries constantly about stretch marks on her legs. I honestly have no idea why - as I put it to her in rather risque but forthright fashion, no man is going to give a dime about some skin markings when a girl is less-than-clothed or cuddling up nearby

 

[Drama]

I don't think it would be a problem to someone who'd trully love you. In fact, they may even show you if that person cares about you or not. If a guy shows you that he is grieved because your delicate flesh was harmed, then he cares about you. If he uses it as an excuse to harm you, then he's a jerk and you should never talk to him again.

 

[Peter Lorre]

To me it wouldn't be a problem, but I guess it depends from person to person. Someone who truly loves you will definetly have no problem accepting them though

Basically: what Liley said.

 

[PieBeNice]

I worry about mine too, but noone will ever see so its k. That guy seems like a bit of a tit.

 

[lovelace]

Someone who truly loves you will definetly have no problem accepting them though

I agree completely. I wouldn't worry about your scars.

 

[Mazda13bRotary]

There are guys out there who would accept it. Personally, I'm the type who would accept something like that, just as long as it's in the past and remains in the past for good.

 

[paulo]

its verry painfull to care about some one that is hurting themself and not being able to do much about it.
so i can see someone backing of if they cant handle that.

if the physical scars are a problem to anyone your better off without em.

 

[Jilted John]

Scars from your past wouldn't bother me,as long as I knew it was the past,and not an on going thing.I couldn't live with someone that I cared about,worrying that they might do it again.

 

[Equinox]

I'm one of those people who think scars are sexy, and I know I'm not the only one. They tell a story, and they say something about our past experiences. I doubt your scars will hold you back. One day you'll meet a great guy who loves everything about you, including your scars.

 

[paulo]

I'm one of those people who think scars are sexy, and I know I'm not the only one. They tell a story, and they say something about our past experiences.

i find it hard to think of it as sexy.
it makes me think of how much pain there must have been behind them.
i dont find it unatractive at all, more interesting because of the story they tell.
but because it reminds me of so much pain i find it hard to see it as sexy.

 

[nietzsche's lover]

I agree with others. The scars won't be a problem for someone who loves you. They belong to your past a bit like old pictures of you.

Even if the cuts were recent, they shouldn't stop one from loving you. It may only take more time for someone to accept the way you are, and to be reassured about your feelings towards them.

Personally, I'd like to know as much as possible about my partner's or friends' scars, whether they are physical or emotional. They convey a message on what I can do to make someone feel a bit safer with me.

 

[nerdygirl]

As long as the person isn't self-mutilating in the present, I could deal with scars being there. I do have to give another vote for scars being sexy. The texture of some scars is pretty cool to touch.