I have often thought about this, but I cannot pinpoint any period of my life in which I was really happy.
I always was kind of sad and lonely, though there was one period where I felt loved, but it was an impossible love from a distance.
What I also remember is that my highs never seemed to be as high as other people's.
So, for instance, as a child I would see another kid get on a swing, their mom or dad would push them, and they would jeer and cheer of sheer pleasure.
It would make me feel that I must try that too.
When I got onto it, it just felt kind of 'nice', but I did not have that high feeling of extreme joy, so I wasn't screaming for joy, just content I did not fall off.
I still have like 100 old cassette tapes I recorded from CDs, most songs are sad songs, songs about failed relationships.
Somehow it always felt like I would not be able to successfully build a relationship, and this has not really changed.
At school, I was bullied a lot, and I do not know if this is due to my being different, radiating the unhappiness or if unhappiness actually stems from that.
Even at 10 or 11 I would worry if I was ever going to make enough friends, let alone have a good relationship.
So I wonder if I was actually born sad.
I also had this naïve idea that maybe elsewhere things would be different.
I had a talent for languages, so I learned a lot of them.
It also served as a way of fleeing my problems, and it seemed better than alcohol or drugs.
But of course, even though I can talk to people in various countries, there's one language I don't speak: the language of love and social interaction.
I would love to travel more, but after a couple of days, I always feel lonely, and when I am in a group, I keep getting the idea that I am boring others, and annoying them.
I find it really hard to let go of that idea.
I always was kind of sad and lonely, though there was one period where I felt loved, but it was an impossible love from a distance.
What I also remember is that my highs never seemed to be as high as other people's.
So, for instance, as a child I would see another kid get on a swing, their mom or dad would push them, and they would jeer and cheer of sheer pleasure.
It would make me feel that I must try that too.
When I got onto it, it just felt kind of 'nice', but I did not have that high feeling of extreme joy, so I wasn't screaming for joy, just content I did not fall off.
I still have like 100 old cassette tapes I recorded from CDs, most songs are sad songs, songs about failed relationships.
Somehow it always felt like I would not be able to successfully build a relationship, and this has not really changed.
At school, I was bullied a lot, and I do not know if this is due to my being different, radiating the unhappiness or if unhappiness actually stems from that.
Even at 10 or 11 I would worry if I was ever going to make enough friends, let alone have a good relationship.
So I wonder if I was actually born sad.
I also had this naïve idea that maybe elsewhere things would be different.
I had a talent for languages, so I learned a lot of them.
It also served as a way of fleeing my problems, and it seemed better than alcohol or drugs.
But of course, even though I can talk to people in various countries, there's one language I don't speak: the language of love and social interaction.
I would love to travel more, but after a couple of days, I always feel lonely, and when I am in a group, I keep getting the idea that I am boring others, and annoying them.
I find it really hard to let go of that idea.
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