Single, lonely and in pain :(

Hi everyone,

Firstly, many thanks to those who run this website, for providing this space for people to get together and share their experiences and advice.

I'm a 27 year old single British guy. I've been single for 6 years now, and I'm feeling very very lonely without having a special girl to share my life with.

Maybe I'm slightly unusual, in that I don't really feel the need to have lots of friends. I have a few good friends, who I enjoy seeing from time to time, but I seem to have a much stronger desire for a girlfriend.

I find it quite easy to be friends with girls, and have normal everyday conversations with them. I'm physically attracted to many girls, but I very very rarely meet a girl with whom I feel that magic spark of chemistry. I don't know why this is the case, but in my opinion there's no point in asking a girl out if you don't feel that special spark.

To put it simply, I'm looking for a girl to be my romantic companion, someone to share my life with intimately, someone who understands me, someone to care for, to protect and to love. And vice versa: I'm looking for a girl who wants a romantic companion, who wants to share her life with someone intimately, who's looking for someone who understands her, someone she can care for, protect and love.

To be honest, I'm not particularly bothered about sex. I wouldn't mind at all if I had a girlfriend who wasn't especially interested in sex. Obviously physical intimacy is nice, but what matters to me most is the faithful companionship, the simple affection, the sweet romance, the mutual trust, the deep friendship.

Sometimes the loneliness gets so intense that it's actually painful, a horrible sickening pain in my chest and stomach. Today for some reason was particularly bad. I was sitting in the park having lunch, and there were several young couples sitting in the sun, holding hands, being all affectionate with each other. I'm very glad for them that they've found someone special, but watching them was like having a knife twisted in my stomach, a cruel reminder of how lonely I feel. I was in such pain that I couldn't eat my lunch, and I had to get up and leave the park, otherwise I probably would've started crying there sitting on the bench.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up on the whole search for a girlfriend, like these lyrics by The Carpenters:

So I've made my mind up, I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way, I guess I've always known

All the years of useless search have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

This line by Robbie Williams is so relevant to the way I feel:

I got so much love, running through my veins, going to waste

And of course these lyrics by Green Day:

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then, I walk alone

But I'll try to finish on an optimistic note, with my favourite quote from Cast Away starring Tom Hanks, possibly my all-time favourite film:

I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

I'm very glad that I've found this site, and I have a feeling that I'll be visiting quite regularly. I'm sorry that this first post has been a bit of a vent! I'll try to make my future posts less "ventful", and I also hope to be able to give support to others on this site who are suffering.

Hi, British guy, and welcome to the forum.

WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Hey, and welcome.

Hello

Hey QuietGuy, Just want you to know you sound exactly like me, all the way down to love of Cast Away. Like you implied, there really is nothing to say in the end except that we must never give up, no matter how hopeless it seems. If all you can do is keep breathing while the tears roll down your face, then do that. I know that's how it is for me sometimes. Maybe the point of posting anonymously on internet forums like this is just to give one more person somewhere in the world enough of a reason to keep going for just one more day.

hey and welcome. you sound a lot like me. ive been single my whole life and it would be nice to find a companion that gets me and shares my interests. hard to find someone else that doesnt go out a lot though.

Hello.

Many thanks for the warm welcome guys

EveWasFramed said:

WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

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Haha! I love Wilson! Everyone should have a Wilson to keep them company!

andrew732 said:

Like you implied, there really is nothing to say in the end except that we must never give up, no matter how hopeless it seems. If all you can do is keep breathing while the tears roll down your face, then do that. I know that's how it is for me sometimes. Maybe the point of posting anonymously on internet forums like this is just to give one more person somewhere in the world enough of a reason to keep going for just one more day.

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My thoughts exactly. Keeping that spark of hope alive is vital, and I think the key is to take things one day at a time. My hope is that each day is bringing me one day closer to meeting my special girl. BTW I see this is your first post too - welcome!

edgecrusher said:

hard to find someone else that doesnt go out a lot though.

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How true. I don't go out loads, mainly because my full-time job leaves me with little free time. But I think I would make an effort to go out and do much more stuff if I had someone special to share it with. It's nice to go for a walk alone, listening to nature, sitting on a bench watching the sunset, but I'd be infinitely happier sharing that experience with a special girl. I imagine a sunset would be much more wonderful with a sweet girl cuddling up next to you on the bench... *sigh*

Welcome, QuietGuy! I'm new 'round these parts as well. I think your self-description is eerily similar to the "perfect guy" description of a LOT of girls: sexy British accent, doesn't want to just roll in the hay all day, sexy accent, wants a companion more than arm candy, sexy accent, interested in a deep, meaningful bond, and... sexy accent.

Seriously, though, you sound like a wonderful person. People like you are so rare, and the girl who will one day have the privilege of loving and protecting you for life is truly fortunate.

Welcome to the forum and I wish you the best of luck in your life!

futurecatlady said:

Welcome, QuietGuy! I'm new 'round these parts as well. I think your self-description is eerily similar to the "perfect guy" description of a LOT of girls: sexy British accent, doesn't want to just roll in the hay all day, sexy accent, wants a companion more than arm candy, sexy accent, interested in a deep, meaningful bond, and... sexy accent.

Seriously, though, you sound like a wonderful person. People like you are so rare, and the girl who will one day have the privilege of loving and protecting you for life is truly fortunate.

Welcome to the forum and I wish you the best of luck in your life!

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Wait...how about a sexy accent to go along with that? lol

i read "single, lonely, and in pain" and i immediately thought of blue balls. sorry to mess up your thread, carry on...

futurecatlady said:

Welcome, QuietGuy! I'm new 'round these parts as well. I think your self-description is eerily similar to the "perfect guy" description of a LOT of girls: sexy British accent, doesn't want to just roll in the hay all day, sexy accent, wants a companion more than arm candy, sexy accent, interested in a deep, meaningful bond, and... sexy accent.

Seriously, though, you sound like a wonderful person. People like you are so rare, and the girl who will one day have the privilege of loving and protecting you for life is truly fortunate.

Welcome to the forum and I wish you the best of luck in your life!

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Wow, what a nice welcome

You should hear my accent - it's as sexy as... um... Austin Powers The problem is, in Britain, girls don't take any notice of British accents! But when I visited California, girls would ask me to "Say something British!", and I would say things like "aluMINium" and "tomARTO", and they loved it! Maybe I'd have more luck if I moved to the US!

I get the feeling though that girls tend to regard me just as a "nice guy", ie. just nice to have as a friend. I find it very difficult to flirt with a girl (unless she begins flirting with me first), and so I can never move beyond simple friendship. I think I'd sound completely ridiculous trying to say chat-up lines, and I feel that if I try to make too much eye contact with a girl, I'll come across as some creepy weirdo stalker. I just don't know how to flirt in a way that seems natural and relaxed, not awkward and creepy

futurecatlady said:

Welcome, QuietGuy! I'm new 'round these parts as well. I think your self-description is eerily similar to the "perfect guy" description of a LOT of girls: sexy British accent, doesn't want to just roll in the hay all day, sexy accent, wants a companion more than arm candy, sexy accent, interested in a deep, meaningful bond, and... sexy accent.

Seriously, though, you sound like a wonderful person. People like you are so rare, and the girl who will one day have the privilege of loving and protecting you for life is truly fortunate.

Welcome to the forum and I wish you the best of luck in your life!

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Not to sound bitter, but why do women always claim that but then put the nice guys in the friend zone and run off with the slick, playa, bad boy types? Is it just because us nice guys aren't aggressive enough, are too boring, what?

Here's my opinion, andrew, based on my (extremely limited) experience.

I think it all depends on whether someone is thinking short-term or long-term about their relationships.

In today's high-speed society, the need for instant gratification and satisfaction is very common (I feel it myself sometimes). If there's an album you want to buy, why make all the effort of going to a shop in the high street to buy the CD, when you can download it in seconds from iTunes? Why bother putting loads of effort into preparing a nice meal, when a microwave ready-meal only takes a couple of minutes to heat up?

A guy who fits into "the slick, playa, bad boy types" will attract a girl who's thinking short-term, looking for instant gratification and satisfaction in a relationship. Such a guy offers an immediate "high" to the girl. He's a wild, dangerous, risk-taking rebel, who'll whisk her off on an intense adventure from the first day. I can understand the appeal! And I think this applies the other way round too: a hot, dangerous, foxy chick will attract a guy who's thinking short-term.

A "nice guy" offers no instant gratification or quick fix, and thus is of no interest to a "short-term" girl. Instead, he offers gentle, steady, trustworthy, loyal companionship. I think that, deep deep down, this what everyone actually wants, but the excitement and intensity of a short-term relationship is too tempting for many people. The idea of a steady long-term relationship with a "nice guy" seems initially boring in comparison. And yet I think the world would be a happier place if people sought this kind of relationship.

Anyway, as they say in the US, that's just "my two cents worth" - please feel free to disagree with anything I've just said

andrew732 said:

futurecatlady said:

Welcome, QuietGuy! I'm new 'round these parts as well. I think your self-description is eerily similar to the "perfect guy" description of a LOT of girls: sexy British accent, doesn't want to just roll in the hay all day, sexy accent, wants a companion more than arm candy, sexy accent, interested in a deep, meaningful bond, and... sexy accent.

Seriously, though, you sound like a wonderful person. People like you are so rare, and the girl who will one day have the privilege of loving and protecting you for life is truly fortunate.

Welcome to the forum and I wish you the best of luck in your life!

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Not to sound bitter, but why do women always claim that but then put the nice guys in the friend zone and run off with the slick, playa, bad boy types? Is it just because us nice guys aren't aggressive enough, are too boring, what?

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I've never seen it happen myself, so I don't know =(. Maybe you are chasing the wrong kind of girl? But I guess therein lies the fallacy of my argument--I'm not exactly a prime cut of meat myself. My friends and I are the kind of girls who consider a cute guy asking to borrow a pencil the pinnacle of our love life. The thought of having a nice, decent guy following me around and actually liking me is laughable in itself, but failing to bubble over with love and happiness and running off to some "playa" instead? Absurd.

The girls I've known and communities I've grown up in tend to value loving, lasting relationships, and that is one arena that nice guys dominate, hands down. There are girls out there who will value what you have to offer. It may just require looking outside of the pack for that special, quirky someone like you =).

A "nice guy" offers no instant gratification or quick fix, and thus is of no interest to a "short-term" girl. Instead, he offers gentle, steady, trustworthy, loyal companionship. I think that, deep deep down, this what everyone actually wants, but the excitement and intensity of a short-term relationship is too tempting for many people. The idea of a steady long-term relationship with a "nice guy" seems initially boring in comparison. And yet I think the world would be a happier place if people sought this kind of relationship.

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That's an interesting way of thinking about it that hasn't occurred to me before. I always assumed the main issue was more that being a nice guy goes hand in hand with being much less likely to aggressively pursue women. My explanation does depend more on the existence (real or imagined) of the old-fashioned "dating rules" where the guy does the pursuing and the girl either accepts or rejects. I suppose the reality is some combination of both our theories.

The girls I've known and communities I've grown up in tend to value loving, lasting relationships, and that is one arena that nice guys dominate, hands down.

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Nice, and where might these communities be located? :shy:

andrew732 said:

I always assumed the main issue was more that being a nice guy goes hand in hand with being much less likely to aggressively pursue women.

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Yes, I think that's very often true. I would classify myself as a "nice guy", and I definitely don't "aggressively pursue women". Perhaps that's the problem! Seriously though, I wish I could just magically find myself suddenly in a lovely long-term relationship, without having to go through the whole dating/pursuit thing. But of course that's not how life works.

andrew732 said:

My explanation does depend more on the existence (real or imagined) of the old-fashioned "dating rules" where the guy does the pursuing and the girl either accepts or rejects.

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I think those rules still exist to a certain extent, but they're more relaxed than they used to be. At ballroom dances, I guess a girl would've always waited to be asked by a guy for a dance, but I've been to many student ballroom dances where a girl has asked me for a dance.

andrew732 said:

futurecatlady said:

The girls I've known and communities I've grown up in tend to value loving, lasting relationships, and that is one arena that nice guys dominate, hands down.

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Nice, and where might these communities be located? :shy:

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GREAT question!! Where are these magical communities full of nice girls looking for nice guys?? I'm moving there IMMEDIATELY!!

QuietGuy said:

GREAT question!! Where are these magical communities full of nice girls looking for nice guys?? I'm moving there IMMEDIATELY!!

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ummm... japan?

I can only speak from my own experience but, I know that I'm searching for exactly what you described: a gentle, stable, loving man who will appreciate the qualities I have to offer a partner, just as I would appreciate those qualities in him.

"Bad boy" types just don't do it for me at all. For example - last weekend went out with a few people I work with. A guy chatted me up and asked for my number, and then texted at 2:30am that morning asking me to come over to his house!! Absolutely NOT going to happen. There is nothing that guy could want at 2:30 in the morning that I'd be willing to give. But I think a lot of girls may have gone over - for excitement, or just because they thought that would make a guy like them. But a guy who asks you to his house at 2:30am the night you meet him is surely not the guy for me.

I know inside that I have good things about me that a nice man will value someday - I'm smart, I have a very good career, I'm attractive, I'm nice to people, I have a good sense of humor... and these are things that I hope someday someone will love about me.

I want to be with someone who respects me not only as a woman but as a person, as their partner, as I would respect them as a man and as my partner. I want to feel for and care for someone deeply and with love, as they would feel for and care for me. I want a relationship where we take care of each other and know that when life gets difficult that the other will always be there to help support them.

So nice guys everywhere - never feel inferior or threatened by your "bad boy" counterparts... good women don't want them, we want you.

I never understood why a man had to choose between "good boy" or "bad boy."

Why can't it be both?

There is ample opportunity for a dude to show his sweetly romantic, sensitive side and plenty of opportunity to be a complete jackass/bad boy. This is pretty much the road I follow.