Waiting to Die?

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Case

Case

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Joined
May 22, 2013
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Southern California
I feel like I am waiting to die.

I feel like I look at the calendar and wonder how much closer I am to the end, wondering why I haven't seemed to matter to anyone, at least in any lasting way.

My life is a drudgery of meaningless tasks that leads me back to the same spot every Monday morning. My weekdays start with waking up, then going to work, coming home, eating, and finally, sleeping. I do that five times a week, and then the weekend arrives where I receive no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no party invites, no contact with the outside world aside from the anonymous online world.

I have a bunch of what I call 'Facebook friends." They are the kind who love to click "Like" on a picture or a status update I post, but will say "No, thanks" to drinks or a get-together. I have two real friends in my life, and I fear I'd drive them away if I contacted them too much. I don't know how I'd feel if I lost them. Worse than I do now, certainly.

I have no close family members, and even one who is close in distance to me chooses to shut me out of his life for reasons too complex to mention here.

So, I sit here on a Sunday blazing through selections on NetFlix hoping to distract myself from my loneliness. It is a good distraction because I can either learn something, be thrilled by something, or even feel an emotion about something. Then, that NetFlix selection ends and I am back in the real world again, waiting to die.

I have little motivation to go outside unless it's a routine errand. Therefore, I tend to remain indoors while others all around are having barbeques, parties, and other social gatherings. I would text one of my real friends and try to set up a meeting, but occasionally they would talk of having to attend some big family function. You know, the kind that I can never have. Honestly, I am understanding, but I retreat that much further into my cave.

This thread should not be seen as an outcry of "Oh, woe is me." The reality of my life is clear to me. I do okay financially, I have my health, and I'm not going to starve or go into debt. Also, I understand that I am not suffering like others have, so it's really not as bad as it could be.

But I realize that life is passing me by and I seem to have little energy to grab it by the tail before it leaves me for good.

I've tried dating sites to meet people, and it usually lasts for a short while before fizzling out. So, I've stopped thinking of that dating rubbish even though the idea of a close relationship is about as intoxicating to me as anything I can imagine. I've looked at Meetup.com for ideas, so if I joined platonic groups of people with like-minds, I might be able to find a fuller social life.

I simply don't want to stay in this pattern. I want to be like the friends I had who seem so fulfilled, or at least, so busy. In contrast, I feel like someone hit the pause button on my life while the lives of others are moving past me at a rapid rate.

If you stuck through to the end of this thread's beginning, I thank you for reading this. I know longer messages are often ignored on forums, so I truly appreciate you getting to this point. If you wish to make a comment or offer a solution that you have tried, feel free to let me know.

Thanks again!
 
I don't have a solution. I can only say that my life is pretty similar, except I have a child. If it wasn't for my daughter, our lives would be almost identical. I haven't done the dating site thing and just don't want to involve myself in that situation.
So, I don't have a solution, but I can at least offer a bit of understanding if nothing else. *hug*
 
Since this sounds so much like my situation (Netflix is on pause right now), I'll tell you some of the things I've been thinking of doing:

On the suggestion of a fellow forum member, I started volunteering once a week. Its okay so far. I haven't made a friend or anything, but It does feel good to help. Makes me feel a little less worthless.

I've been looking into community events that I might go to or get involved in.

Thinking of taking some adult education classes. Never too late to learn something, and I might meet people with similar interests. I'm personally looking into acting, writing and painting classes. Maybe you'll think of something that interests you.

Getting a part time job somewhere where I'll meet lots of people.

Writing some really dark, bad poetry and reading it aloud during open mike night at some pretentious coffee bar. (Not a real suggestion, I just wanna see if my self-esteem can handle being booed off the stage someday :)

Well, that's all I've got so far. I don't know about you, but my biggest obstacle is myself, because actually doing all of that stuff sounds terrifying to me, but waiting to die while watching Star Trek reruns is worse. And your post wasn't too long at all. :)
 
Case said:
In contrast, I feel like someone hit the pause button on my life while the lives of others are moving past me at a rapid rate.
Click to expand...

I can definitely identify. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a movie theater waiting for the good parts of a really crappy film.

Wish I had some magic words to help but like Eve said, all I can do is tell you that I understand.
 
I feel like I hit the pause button as well.

It seems like I lived a pretty normal life, up to the age of 23. I didn't date, but socially I was on top of every single other developmental phase. Then I had a complete mental breakdown, attempted suicide, and ended up in the mental hospital with depression and anxiety. My social anxiety developed out of that, from light shyness to severe panic disorder. I couldn't leave the house, and from the age of 23-26, I basically...did nothing except mess around with music, and hibernate at home, while constantly crying and feeling like I was worthless.

At the age of 26, I managed to move out of my Grandma's house, go back to college and kickstart that, and start building a social life again. Very few of my friends know about the dark period of my life before. I almost got a girlfriend, too...it ended up with us being "just friends", but to pretend that it didn't start off as mutual attraction on both ends would be a mistake. She was the only girl who, as an adult, I've ever let in that close.

Then I moved back to my Grandma's house when she got severely ill and started declining from cancer. My social life started going downhill again. She passed away, and I grieved immensely. Then my sister and her kids moved in, I cut ties with a good portion of my family (due to bitterness over my Grandma's will), and started what is now my current phase of my life.

I am stuck in a situation where I have a good relationship with my sister, but not a good relationship with her children anymore. I think it is damaged beyond repair, and probably wouldn't have been if they hadn't moved in here. My mom is stressed out and snapping at me, and I'm currently suffering from depression. And the kids are disobeying my authority and treating me like I'm a wad of gum stuck to their shoe. I have no car, so I can't even travel to get away from the drama at home; I took the metro all the time when I lived in the city, but there is nothing like that here. I'm in a neighborhood full of families and not a lot of social interaction, if you're not a father yourself.

So...thus is my life. I want to unpause my life by the age of 31 or 32. I am set to inherit this house, but I don't even want it anymore; I want to graduate college, get a good job, get another apartment, and start putting aside money to buy my own house, preferably in a part of the city where singles live. Maybe sign away the house to my mom permanently, and give her my portion of that part of the will. I don't want to be surrounded by families, since I have no kids or wife of my own. I stick out here like a sore thumb, I want to be somewhere where I can be "the cool single musician" again, instead of the "eccentric loner with no family."

If you have read all this, god bless you. I am sharing a lot of stuff that I haven't shared here.
 
Same here - monday to friday - get up - take my daughter to college - go to work - come home - feed my daughter - take my daughter to the tanning bed or a friends house - pick my daughter up - work around the home - get online every once in awhile - go to bed - wash, rinse, & repeat - and on Friday night, go grocery shopping, check fluids in the vehicle, & fill up gas tank - on saturday either meet with my family for lunch (there are only five of us) or stack wood in the winter time for my grandmother and aunt - and on sunday, mow grass, do loundry, and watch tv at night - yep, that is my whole life - boring.
 
Don't wait to die unless you you've done something meaningful...you need to GET OUT there i believe...If there are some part time courses or volunteer work then GO ahead! I don't see why would anybody would not want to hang out with you once you ask them...Then maybe you just need newer people and the only way you could meet them is being more active in your society..Honestly,it's a little difficult (well for me) to take up something like that in the fear of rejection or ending up looking like a fool.But we only have one life...Have a some sort of an adventure..AT LEAST you tried :)
And don't think like that,you should make a difference in someone's life in a positive manner first..I hope that you have many more fruitful years to live!
 
Case said:
I feel like I am waiting to die.

I feel like I look at the calendar and wonder how much closer I am to the end, wondering why I haven't seemed to matter to anyone, at least in any lasting way.

My life is a drudgery of meaningless tasks that leads me back to the same spot every Monday morning. My weekdays start with waking up, then going to work, coming home, eating, and finally, sleeping. I do that five times a week, and then the weekend arrives where I receive no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no party invites, no contact with the outside world aside from the anonymous online world.

I have a bunch of what I call 'Facebook friends." They are the kind who love to click "Like" on a picture or a status update I post, but will say "No, thanks" to drinks or a get-together. I have two real friends in my life, and I fear I'd drive them away if I contacted them too much. I don't know how I'd feel if I lost them. Worse than I do now, certainly.

I have no close family members, and even one who is close in distance to me chooses to shut me out of his life for reasons too complex to mention here.

So, I sit here on a Sunday blazing through selections on NetFlix hoping to distract myself from my loneliness. It is a good distraction because I can either learn something, be thrilled by something, or even feel an emotion about something. Then, that NetFlix selection ends and I am back in the real world again, waiting to die.

I have little motivation to go outside unless it's a routine errand. Therefore, I tend to remain indoors while others all around are having barbeques, parties, and other social gatherings. I would text one of my real friends and try to set up a meeting, but occasionally they would talk of having to attend some big family function. You know, the kind that I can never have. Honestly, I am understanding, but I retreat that much further into my cave.

This thread should not be seen as an outcry of "Oh, woe is me." The reality of my life is clear to me. I do okay financially, I have my health, and I'm not going to starve or go into debt. Also, I understand that I am not suffering like others have, so it's really not as bad as it could be.

But I realize that life is passing me by and I seem to have little energy to grab it by the tail before it leaves me for good.

I've tried dating sites to meet people, and it usually lasts for a short while before fizzling out. So, I've stopped thinking of that dating rubbish even though the idea of a close relationship is about as intoxicating to me as anything I can imagine. I've looked at Meetup.com for ideas, so if I joined platonic groups of people with like-minds, I might be able to find a fuller social life.

I simply don't want to stay in this pattern. I want to be like the friends I had who seem so fulfilled, or at least, so busy. In contrast, I feel like someone hit the pause button on my life while the lives of others are moving past me at a rapid rate.

If you stuck through to the end of this thread's beginning, I thank you for reading this. I know longer messages are often ignored on forums, so I truly appreciate you getting to this point. If you wish to make a comment or offer a solution that you have tried, feel free to let me know.

Thanks again!
Click to expand...

you need something at the weekend to look forward to.

You work all week and that takes up most of your time. What are you interested in ? Your next free day when your not working, you should go and do something. Don't even think about inviting someone else, they will probably let you down or spoil it. If you work then I presume you have some money. I have a few things that occupy me on my days off. I play golf. During football season, I go to watch my local team. On my weeks off work I travel somewhere and take photographs. You need to do something like that. Get your heart racing and your interest up. And forget about other people because it sounds like they don't care that much about you !
 
Case said:
I feel like I am waiting to die.

I feel like I look at the calendar and wonder how much closer I am to the end, wondering why I haven't seemed to matter to anyone, at least in any lasting way.

My life is a drudgery of meaningless tasks that leads me back to the same spot every Monday morning. My weekdays start with waking up, then going to work, coming home, eating, and finally, sleeping. I do that five times a week, and then the weekend arrives where I receive no phone calls, no texts, no emails, no party invites, no contact with the outside world aside from the anonymous online world.

I have no close family members, and even one who is close in distance to me chooses to shut me out of his life for reasons too complex to mention here.

So, I sit here on a Sunday blazing through selections on NetFlix hoping to distract myself from my loneliness. It is a good distraction because I can either learn something, be thrilled by something, or even feel an emotion about something. Then, that NetFlix selection ends and I am back in the real world again, waiting to die.

But I realize that life is passing me by and I seem to have little energy to grab it by the tail before it leaves me for good.

I simply don't want to stay in this pattern. I want to be like the friends I had who seem so fulfilled, or at least, so busy. In contrast, I feel like someone hit the pause button on my life while the lives of others are moving past me at a rapid rate.

Thanks again!
Click to expand...

I hear every word. No solutions to offer just in the same boat sailing into oblivion.
 
Pretty much feel the same way and about to start another week of the same torture. We should start a club, make t-shirts and stuff. Just gotta make it through each day to see another until something gives.
 
I feel the same way about my own life. I'm not working for health reasons and I do push myself to go out and meet people, but there is this constant feeling of loneliness and feeling I don't matter. I am sending you a hug and hope that you can find a more fulfilling life for yourself, and that we all can.
 
In the 80 years or so we're alive we have one biological purpose to reproduce, unless you're religious and view yourself as having a higher purpose. We're under no obligation to do so of course, its up to the individual to decide if they want kids but that's one trait we share with all animals either intelligent and self aware of single celled, its encoded in all living things.

Beyond that, all human experience is simply just killing time it has to be, finding new and exciting ways to stimulate our 5 basic senses and induce emotions which we find favourable. Some people want to travel around the world and see it as a life well lived. I can see the appeal but wherever you go you're just looking to experience rehashed forms of those same basic feelings and emotions be it laughter in a theatre in Moscow, a sense of awe at the Grand Canyon, upset at child poverty in India, adrenaline from the Bungee Jump in South Africa they're all 'feelings' you've felt before really. I don;t advocate not bothering to experience all of this, what else are you going to do? Just don't prescribe too much importance to it and don't beat yourself up if you aren't doing these things, the Grand Canyon will be there regardless of whether you see it or not and is no more important a piece of rock than the carpark at the back of your house... you can gain as much laughter and joy from meeting up with an old friend in the next town and sharing some memories as you could in that theatre in Moscow. When you're dead everything experienced is lost, it simply holds no real value and all thats left behind is the impact you've left on others and that may in itself be off importance to you as a legacy but it wont be of importance to you when the time comes, you will be dust and time will continue and one day even that will end and the universe will just dissolve into dispersed energy.

I guess that sounds nihilistic or liberating depending on your view point or maybe just stating the obvious to most. The laws around entropy and thermodynamic just dictates everything dies and expires and decays and human form or life in general is just a way of holding back the inevitable and even the energy that must be spent to achieve this 'life' means that eventually life will fail and everything must end.

So yeah its all pretty pointless. :)
 
EveWasFramed said:
So, I don't have a solution, but I can at least offer a bit of understanding if nothing else. *hug*
Click to expand...

I appreciate that, Eve. Thanks.

Locke said:
Getting a part time job somewhere where I'll meet lots of people.
Click to expand...

I loved your suggestions, Locke, but this one made me want to comment. I used to work at a bookstore a while back, and I was feeling lonely last holiday period so I took a part-time job, not for the money, but for the friendships. I missed working there because I gained so many good friends there. Then, people go their separate ways, but I wanted to re-connect. People thought I was nuts, but I loved it.

MissGuided said:
I can definitely identify. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a movie theater waiting for the good parts of a really crappy film.
Click to expand...

Then you know exactly how I feel, sometimes. :)

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
If you have read all this, god bless you. I am sharing a lot of stuff that I haven't shared here.
Click to expand...

I read through all of it, Muse, and while our circumstances are different, I think we are on the same page about the pause button. I'm mashing mine in the hope that it gets unstuck.

UGLYDUCKLING said:
I hope that you have many more fruitful years to live!
Click to expand...

Well, I'm certainly not trying to speed up the death process. lol - But I know that going out and doing it, as the NIKE billboards used to say, is how I start. The problem is that I get in a rut where I want to do nothing beyond what is required of me. Of course, I only have myself to blame for that. It's all up to me.

duff said:
Your next free day when your not working, you should go and do something.
Click to expand...

I agree. But I'd need to start small. Local things first. I enjoy writing, so much of my free time is spent in front of a keyboard, but that's a solitary pursuit, and one of my problems is that I feel like I am too solitary.

Broken_n_Lost said:
I hear every word. No solutions to offer just in the same boat sailing into oblivion.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Broken. Right there with ya hoisting up the main-sail. :)

Sci-Fi said:
We should start a club, make t-shirts and stuff. Just gotta make it through each day to see another until something gives.
Click to expand...
I love the club idea. Maybe the t-shirt would say "Death Can Wait. I'm Busy."

Tiina63 said:
I am sending you a hug and hope that you can find a more fulfilling life for yourself, and that we all can.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Tiina. That is a hope I have for everyone here.

Lippy_Kid said:
In the 80 years or so we're alive we have one biological purpose to reproduce, unless you're religious and view yourself as having a higher purpose.
Click to expand...

Well, I have no desire to have kids. Humans are one of the species on this planet who can choose to not have offspring. For most other animals, it's an unconscious instinct. Also, I don't have the POV that since everything ends, why bother? I just don't seem to have the energy to do anything at the moment to change my monotonous life to a less-monotonous one.
 
get out there and volunteer!! Helping others is the quickest way to find meaning in your own life.
 
Case said:
Lippy_Kid said:
In the 80 years or so we're alive we have one biological purpose to reproduce, unless you're religious and view yourself as having a higher purpose.
Click to expand...

Well, I have no desire to have kids. Humans are one of the species on this planet who can choose to not have offspring. For most other animals, it's an unconscious instinct. Also, I don't have the POV that since everything ends, why bother? I just don't seem to have the energy to do anything at the moment to change my monotonous life to a less-monotonous one.
Click to expand...


Yes and as I said below we have the choice whether we should have kids but thats the only real biological purpose all living things serve.

Lippy_Kid said:
We're under no obligation to do so of course, its up to the individual to decide if they want kids
Click to expand...

Regards the view everything ends so why bother, that wasn't the point I was making and I stated that..

Lippy_Kid said:
"I don't advocate not bothering to experience all of this"
Click to expand...

The point that I was making really was yes enjoy and make the most of your life but don't see it as a life wasted if you're not tightrope walking between skyscrapers or watching the sunset from the dusty plains of Mars (actually that would be pretty cool). Theres no real importance in any of this, its just stuff to do to kill time while you're waiting to die, it doesn't really make your life any more valid or less valid than the next guy as really its all pretty insignificant really.

I think people worry they're not doing anything very exciting with your life, look at it this way, maybe not compared to some people but compared to those that came before you, all those billions of lives that never used a phone or computer or flew in a plane, to spend 5 minutes in the world that we live in now would just blow their mind but to us its just the norm, we lose interest so quickly, I mean the ability to fly or talk to someone 1000's of miles away or see anything anywhere around the world in real time...its just stuff we take for granted, so what? In this sense nothing will really ever make us feel fulfilled if you are striving for importance in your life. Everything is hum-drum its all been done before and we've already seen it before we've done it for ourselves.

I often get frustrated that I'm never really going to see much of the universe or encounter alien intelligence or know the answers to the real fundamental questions of the universe or travel to work on a hoverboard whatever... but then I think, when it does happen.. these real history defining events, the world will stop, pause go "wow, thats pretty cool"...and then just move on with the day to day, getting annoyed with themselves for forgetting to buy milk or something.

I see reading your OP that it was more about loneliness, which I appreciate can be a killer. I guess I was just answering the topic title so sorry I just wanted to clarify my viewpoint.

I'd take the positive line out of what you wrote though "I've tried dating sites to meet people, and it usually lasts for a short while before fizzling out." if thats the case you're getting further down the line to meet people than some, who struggle to even engage someone on a dating site to arrange a date. If you're having some success but haven't met that right person yet maybe you've just given up too quickly, maybe thats the issue here... how hard are you fighting to do something about your loneliness the tone of your post seems to indicate you're at the point of "ah well, to hell with it". Its do or die really, personally I'd recommend if you haven't had success on the dating sites yet, then get back online and just try harder, what else are you going to do?
 
Lippy_Kid said:
I think people worry they're not doing anything very exciting with your life
Click to expand...
I am the last person to seek excitement in life. For any pursuit I could choose, someone has done it better, faster, or more impressively than I could ever do it. So, I don't worry about that. I don't stop my writing because I could never write like Dickens or Stephen King. I write because it pleases me. If I end up selling something, great. If not, at least I have something that pleases me. What I worry about most is having no energy to do anything, not improving my psyche, and not having anyone to share my experiences with.

Lippy_Kid said:
I see reading your OP that it was more about loneliness, which I appreciate can be a killer. I guess I was just answering the topic title so sorry I just wanted to clarify my viewpoint.
Click to expand...
Yes. The "waiting to die" subject line was intended to be a negative remark. It connotes that I have nothing to do, and so I navel-gaze, check my watch, mark the calendar, and walk through my life in a zombie-like state instead of actually enjoying life, enjoying the people around me, and being a better person. I feel like I'm merely marking time while others are "seizing the day" or mastering a skill, or building a legacy. I'm just taking up space, not contributing anything that I would call "meaningful." So, "waiting to die," simply means I feel that I'm contributing nothing to this world at the moment and that I am as meaningful as the carton of milk in the refrigerator with the expiration date on it. Literally speaking, the milk has no meaning, but its purpose is to enter someone's digestive tract. Which means, in my mind, the milk has a greater purpose in life than I do at this moment in time.

Lippy_Kid said:
personally I'd recommend if you haven't had success on the dating sites yet, then get back online and just try harder, what else are you going to do?
Click to expand...
What else can I do? Easy. Not try. Devalue "dating" in my mind so that I can live without the constant barrage in my head that I need to have a mate. I believe obsessive thinking is damaging to me. So, I'll be friendly, but I will cease the fruitless pursuits of romance and attempt goals that I can achieve. Gaining more friends. Increasing social activities. Getting out more. Stop putting pressure on myself to succeed and just do what I enjoy. In the meantime, I'm here... Which I hope is a good thing.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
I hope I clarified that I don't want to die. just saying.
Click to expand...

I'm certainly with you on that one. I just see death as the inevitable end. Without touching upon any belief structures, death is something the body must face. All things end, and so must we.

And on that happy note, I think I'll go outside today and think about the beauty of life. :)
 

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