CyaReality
Member
This is my story, for anyone who cares. It seems like this would be the type of place where I should post it. This is going to be long and I'm going to do my best to stay organized throughout the entire thing. I'll try not to let my laziness, frustrations, and blank mind kill what I'm trying to accomplish by posting this.
I'm an 18 year old male (I'd like to keep my name private for now). For around the past 3 years, I have not had 1 real life friend. I have left the house only when absolutely necessary a majority of this period. I see the world through the eyes of a computer, and have dissociated more than I thought ever possible.
I'll talk now about how I ended up this way, and what has kept me this way for so long. Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 and anxiety makes us over analyze our past, through anxious eyes. I'm going to stay rational, and try not to let that effect me as a I explain this.
I did not have an abusive childhood. My parents are supportive and I grew up in a fairly normal suburban neighborhood, which I still live in currently. I guess I was an anxious kid which at this point makes me think I have some sort of predisposition to anxiety, but it doesn't really matter I guess. I think around 7th/8th grade is when things started to change drastically.
Haha it's getting hard for me to decide what's relevant and what's not, so I guess I'll just keep saying what's on my mind. In 8th grade I was introduced to weed. My group of friends began hanging out with this kid who was probably the first official stoner of the school as we knew (lol). I was scared to smoke. I was scared to get high/drunk on anything, because I was scared of losing control and not feeling reality.
That is kind of strange because I was 13 at the time and I really had no concept of that sorta honeysuckle anyways. (Admit it, you didn't know your ass from your elbow at 13 either
). The first time I got high, I had a horrible panic attack. I was dissociated. Things felt foreign. My heart was racing, my vision was strange. It was not pleasant. It was probably the scariest moment of my life up to that point. My friends were laughing and carrying on and I honestly believe it was this that triggered my existential thoughts.
I sobered up a few hours later chilling at my house with one of my buddies who I smoked with. Felt normal the next day. I promised myself I would not smoke again because I had this scary experience and just decided that it wasn't for me. Well, that promise lasted about 3-4 days as the next time I smoked the same thing happened. In fact, it happened about the next 4-5 times I smoked.
I continued for whatever reason and I begin to have enjoyable highs. There was nothing better at this point of my life than getting high with friends. I remember the summer after middle school graduation was the greatest period of my life.. and ok ok enough nostalgia lets get to where things get shitty. As high school started I felt like I drifted away a bit.
For some reason I just felt like I wasn't always "there" and I would even tell my friends about it. "Man... you ever feel a little different since we started smoking weed?" "Nah dude, we're good we're good." My friends and I expanded their social horizon a bit as most kids do when they hit HS, but I still was hanging out with them everyday most of the time.
This "off feeling" started to get worse and I started to have some very deep existential thoughts. One morning on the bus, on the way to school, I was thinking very deeply about the origin of the universe and I thought "well I'm an atheist but it doesn't make sense like.. either way something had to just "be there". Deep in thought, I had a panic attack. I thought I was drugged... I thought.. well I don't know, but I did my best to hide a pretty severe panic attack. When I arrived to school, I called my dad, told him I had a stomach ache, and went home. This was uncomfortable to say the least.
I was very very hesitant to smoke weed again , but I need anyways, and had the strangest episode of them all on march 2nd, 2010. (yes i still remember the date). This one did not involve the worst panic I've ever had, but it involved a very, very strange "trapped" sort of feeling. This was the one that I really could not imagine coming out of. This was the episode that COMPLETELY changed the course of my life. I forgot reality. I became paranoid. I became anxious 24/7. I became someone else. Needless to say, everything in my life went downhill.
It started to become a struggle to attend school. It was a slow process in a way, fast in other ways. I started to see friends less and less. I started to become withdrawn. I missed the last couple months of freshman year, but they still passed me. I would go to school here and there, leaving early some days, not going at all others, due to anxiety.
I eventually avoided my friends completely. I became incredibly isolated, and spent most of my time on the computer. I got worse.. I got way worse. This is where things went down fast. I had a couple traumatizing panic attacks, and I started to see different psychiatrists and take different medications. honeysuckle I'm in no good position now, but back then ohh man I'm thankful that I was able to get out of that sorta hole.
I was too young it felt like. Being 15-16 and going through that stuff in addition to the normal hard times of 15-16 year olds is just... insanity. I went through so many odd phases.
I ended up getting my learners permit last year, and hopefully moving onto my license in july of this year. I've learned to drive, and I received my GED which looks exactly like a diploma btw, so I should just call it that. I'm forever different though.
This whole thing is still a trip, and I still have not felt reality since that day. I struggle with lethargy and blank mind every day.. it's a struggle to get motivated. I still don't have any friends, and I've stopped taking care of myself. I gained weight ( i was always in good shape my whole life until now) and stopped caring about brushing my teeth showers etc. I sometimes feel like I'm too deep into strange thought patterns and bad habits.
I've been waiting for the magical day that everything comes back to normal but I know that that's wishful thinking. I have to try to make changes. My blank mind has pretty much taken over so.. thanks for reading and I hope to meet some cool people here
I'm an 18 year old male (I'd like to keep my name private for now). For around the past 3 years, I have not had 1 real life friend. I have left the house only when absolutely necessary a majority of this period. I see the world through the eyes of a computer, and have dissociated more than I thought ever possible.
I'll talk now about how I ended up this way, and what has kept me this way for so long. Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 and anxiety makes us over analyze our past, through anxious eyes. I'm going to stay rational, and try not to let that effect me as a I explain this.
I did not have an abusive childhood. My parents are supportive and I grew up in a fairly normal suburban neighborhood, which I still live in currently. I guess I was an anxious kid which at this point makes me think I have some sort of predisposition to anxiety, but it doesn't really matter I guess. I think around 7th/8th grade is when things started to change drastically.
Haha it's getting hard for me to decide what's relevant and what's not, so I guess I'll just keep saying what's on my mind. In 8th grade I was introduced to weed. My group of friends began hanging out with this kid who was probably the first official stoner of the school as we knew (lol). I was scared to smoke. I was scared to get high/drunk on anything, because I was scared of losing control and not feeling reality.
That is kind of strange because I was 13 at the time and I really had no concept of that sorta honeysuckle anyways. (Admit it, you didn't know your ass from your elbow at 13 either
). The first time I got high, I had a horrible panic attack. I was dissociated. Things felt foreign. My heart was racing, my vision was strange. It was not pleasant. It was probably the scariest moment of my life up to that point. My friends were laughing and carrying on and I honestly believe it was this that triggered my existential thoughts. I sobered up a few hours later chilling at my house with one of my buddies who I smoked with. Felt normal the next day. I promised myself I would not smoke again because I had this scary experience and just decided that it wasn't for me. Well, that promise lasted about 3-4 days as the next time I smoked the same thing happened. In fact, it happened about the next 4-5 times I smoked.
I continued for whatever reason and I begin to have enjoyable highs. There was nothing better at this point of my life than getting high with friends. I remember the summer after middle school graduation was the greatest period of my life.. and ok ok enough nostalgia lets get to where things get shitty. As high school started I felt like I drifted away a bit.
For some reason I just felt like I wasn't always "there" and I would even tell my friends about it. "Man... you ever feel a little different since we started smoking weed?" "Nah dude, we're good we're good." My friends and I expanded their social horizon a bit as most kids do when they hit HS, but I still was hanging out with them everyday most of the time.
This "off feeling" started to get worse and I started to have some very deep existential thoughts. One morning on the bus, on the way to school, I was thinking very deeply about the origin of the universe and I thought "well I'm an atheist but it doesn't make sense like.. either way something had to just "be there". Deep in thought, I had a panic attack. I thought I was drugged... I thought.. well I don't know, but I did my best to hide a pretty severe panic attack. When I arrived to school, I called my dad, told him I had a stomach ache, and went home. This was uncomfortable to say the least.
I was very very hesitant to smoke weed again , but I need anyways, and had the strangest episode of them all on march 2nd, 2010. (yes i still remember the date). This one did not involve the worst panic I've ever had, but it involved a very, very strange "trapped" sort of feeling. This was the one that I really could not imagine coming out of. This was the episode that COMPLETELY changed the course of my life. I forgot reality. I became paranoid. I became anxious 24/7. I became someone else. Needless to say, everything in my life went downhill.
It started to become a struggle to attend school. It was a slow process in a way, fast in other ways. I started to see friends less and less. I started to become withdrawn. I missed the last couple months of freshman year, but they still passed me. I would go to school here and there, leaving early some days, not going at all others, due to anxiety.
I eventually avoided my friends completely. I became incredibly isolated, and spent most of my time on the computer. I got worse.. I got way worse. This is where things went down fast. I had a couple traumatizing panic attacks, and I started to see different psychiatrists and take different medications. honeysuckle I'm in no good position now, but back then ohh man I'm thankful that I was able to get out of that sorta hole.
I was too young it felt like. Being 15-16 and going through that stuff in addition to the normal hard times of 15-16 year olds is just... insanity. I went through so many odd phases.
I ended up getting my learners permit last year, and hopefully moving onto my license in july of this year. I've learned to drive, and I received my GED which looks exactly like a diploma btw, so I should just call it that. I'm forever different though.
This whole thing is still a trip, and I still have not felt reality since that day. I struggle with lethargy and blank mind every day.. it's a struggle to get motivated. I still don't have any friends, and I've stopped taking care of myself. I gained weight ( i was always in good shape my whole life until now) and stopped caring about brushing my teeth showers etc. I sometimes feel like I'm too deep into strange thought patterns and bad habits.
I've been waiting for the magical day that everything comes back to normal but I know that that's wishful thinking. I have to try to make changes. My blank mind has pretty much taken over so.. thanks for reading and I hope to meet some cool people here
